Thursday, January 31, 2008

My Imaginary Friend

When I was a little tiny thing, small enough to fit in the kitchen sink, I had an imaginary friend. I don't know where this friend came from, how long he was around, or what he and I did together but according to my family I spoke of him often. I wonder if this made my little brother jealous. Knowing my brother, probably not. The only thing I do remember is one day when my grandmother was washing my hair she asked where Sobo was. Yep, my friend's name was Sobo. I'm very creative. Anyway, I recall looking around and not seeing him so I said "He's gone." That's it. My entire memory consists of that brief moment of looking around for an imaginary friend that looks just like my brother and not seeing him so he must be gone. To this day my grandmother believes that imaginary friend is my spirit guide and still with me every step through life. A spirit guide is sort of a guardian angel. The more I think about the situation I think maybe I was looking for my brother and Sobo was my nickname for him. Maybe I never had an imaginary friend. I just talked to my brother whether or not he was there. OR maybe it's the Demon (see labels) I spoke of in previous posts! Whoa, I think I might be on to something. Maybe I've just been a loon since birth.

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

A whole lotta Poo.

The gift of poo. Within fifteen minutes of viewing this website I came up with about twelve people I need to send this to. I probably won't, but it sure would be fun. The only missing element is the possibility you would miss the moment. I need to see the reaction to spend that kind of cash on actual feces. If you are into this kind of disturbing stuff you might enjoy this monkey.

What was a hit the day you were born?

This is mine.


Man, that is horrible!

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Face Lift

For the blog that is. Just a tweak. No surgery for me my friend. You don't pin up your skin when you are only 24. Then you wouldn't have anything to look forward to. Kidding, I'm kidding. Don't freak out on me. Actually the only surgery I think about saving up for is to stop the hyperhidrosis. That's right, I have a gland problem. My hands and feet are pretty much always clammy and it's been like that for as long as I can remember. It does make you very self conscious especially when you frequently meet new people in a business setting. I know my clients assume I'm nervous when I have cold, moist, hands but that isn't the case. I can't help it. Even if I carry around a towel it won't make a difference. I've dealt with it pretty well so far, no breakdowns or anything, but I can't help thinking about what it would be like if I were normal. I occasionally reconsider the surgery. Maybe once a year I start reading about it again. Honestly, it scares me. What they do in a nutshell: they put you under, enter through your armpit, collapse your lung, and cut or burn a nerve. This has a lot of possible side effects. My uncle had the surgery (by the way this is one of those lovely genetic things) several years ago. He said that the sweating just moved from hands and feet alone to a brand new awkward area. Yeah, um, no thanks. It can also make me sick since that is how my body currently gets rid of toxins. They wouldn't know where to go for awhile. I guess I'll just have to live with moist socks and gloves. *Wipes hands on pants.*

Thursday, January 24, 2008

They're Baaaaacccck.

I have no idea why my blog has turned into a religious cult information page but I can't pass up sharing this information. Apparently the Westboro Baptist Church has declared that they intend to protest outside of the Heath Ledger funeral. Some might ask why. Well, because he once played a gay man in a movie of course. That makes him a gay enabler. Well as this guy said in his video. If they show up at my funeral, I know I did something right.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Playing God, or Playing Tom

Not tired of Tom Cruise yet? Of course you are! That doesn't make this parody any less funny though.


By they way, if you are not yet familiar with FunnyorDie.com, get familiar. They have some entertaining stuff up there. The interesting part about the site is that you get to vote which videos are funny and which deserve to die. I love playing God! The site was created by Will Ferrell, Adam McKay, and Chris Henchy so it HAS to be good. Anyone remember Pearl the Landlord? Oh yeah, created just for this site.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Shooting Excursions


Have you ever thought it would be fun to take the company out for firearms training? I have! Who knew such an opportunity was only a google search away? But how do I convince HR that this is a good team bonding experience?

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Cruise for Prez! Chant with me now...


I wanted to post this yesterday but just didn't find the time. If you didn't hear yet, video of Tom Cruise talking about his wacky adventures in Scientology is posted on Gawker and they say they are not taking it down. Obviously this video traveled through the web fast but it has quickly been forced off of shared video sites like google video and youtube. (Supposedly because of the Church of Scientology copyright infringement notice.)
Personally, I enjoy watching it. He says some craaaazy shiznet. "Have you met an SP? *WILD CACKLE*" "Wow,SP's, we'll just read about those in the history books!"
Man, I wish I could go on vacation too.. but I can't. Because, I know. Tom knows. Don't you Tom?

To be honest I might be overexposed to odd people because I didn't think this video was all that strange. He sounds like a religious politician to me. Let's put him on the ballot.

Monday, January 14, 2008

Hug Fear

I have yet to find anybody (excluding my own brother) that can remember The Hugga Bunch movie. It is a horrible/delightful movie from 1984 that I watched a few million times as a child. Today I found a fantastic review that I think might explain why I'm not a fan of hugging people. Not at all. Seriously, read the review. It's hilarious.

The main reason why you should show this movie to your children is the life lesson dialog.

Bridget : What's goin' on?
Andrew : Boy, are you thick. It's Gramma.
Bridget : What about 'er?
Andrew : They're putting her out to pasture.
Bridget : I don't understand.
Andrew : Like a horse who's too old for anything. So... They just put 'em in a field, let 'em eat and enjoy their life, until they grow old and die.

The main reason you should not ever show this to any child is because they might turn out like this:



What did I get out of this movie? A fear of hugging and aging. Important traits for any toddler.

Friday, January 11, 2008

Step Up to Get Your Rep Up Dude

Did anybody watch that weird show on VH1 called The Pickup Artist?
The main dude "Mystery" who was obviously a huge geek back in the day has now joined team douchebag and teaches eight other geeks to become douchebags by trying to pick up women. It was a sad, sad show. Today I found this spoof.


Paul Rudd is always hilarious. I met him once while I was out with friends finding the only pub open at 4am. He was in the back playing Texas Holdum with some other blokes so we went back to observe the game. As one of the guys attempted to hit on me I realized Mr. Rudd was the blatantly stoned player at the end of the booth pulling a large bag of chips from the seat and shoving handfuls into his mouth. He then would wipe said hand now covered in chip grease on his dirty T-shirt. Classy. I thought it was funny anyway. I did speak with him a bit and he seemed like a lovely person. That's a sexy man that is.

Friday, January 4, 2008

Anybody need a calendar?

Now that the holidays are over I find myself getting all the gifts in order and locating their proper place in my apartment. Okay, yes, I should have done this weeks ago. Nevertheless, I have just one thing left that is of no use to me. I appreciate the thought grandma but I really have no idea where to put a desk calender. Some of you might say, "Why not take it to work?" Well, No. You see, this specific calendar is "The Secret" themed and I fear if I read this self affirmation crap every day I might go crazy.

The first day reads something along the lines of:
Think happy thoughts every night before you go to bed and when you wake up every morning. Be thankful for your day whether it was good or bad. Eventually you will see improvement.

Eventually I will become a zombie that talks to myself and whistles constantly. I've got a secret for you.. this isn't a freakin' secret. Why do people always fall for that? Yes, having a positive attitude and gaining confidence improves your life or at least your outlook on it. Thanks for the $30 enjoy the DVD. Don't forget to buy the book!

Thursday, January 3, 2008

Happy 2008 Y'all



Does anyone find the end of another year as depressing as I do? I never worry about getting older but when everybody stands staring at a clock talking about resolutions I start getting a little down on myself. It wasn't always this way but at this point in my life I'm wondering what I should attempt to accomplish this year. I don't think I did much last year and I'm feeling kind of useless. I don't much believe in resolutions so I'm making a list of goals for the year. I figure now is as good a time as any. In no particular order here goes:
1) Find a way to spend my working hours doing something that benefits society rather than something that drains it.
2) Go to Europe. (I'm keeping this vague.)
3) Get my physical and mental health in order. (I've been working on this one for awhile.)
4) Find my creative outlet(s).
5) Do something that makes me proud of me.
6) Find more friends like the ones I have because they are pretty f'n amazing.

I'm going to have to stop here. Don't get me wrong, I am very thankful for many things in my life. I am a blessed person with a wonderful support system. I guess I'm just disappointed in myself lately. It's most definitely time for change. A big change. I might as well start right now instead of blogging, huh?