Friday, January 4, 2013

"Missed Opportunities"

Going through old photos and belongings while you're feeling a little down on yourself is pretty much a horrible idea. Somehow, every time I start trying to clean out a drawer or something it turns into a huge project that ends up pulling out old memories and things that never came to fruition. It's a painful process. I should learn to just toss everything into a fire so it can't haunt me ever again.

That being said, I did go through all my old business cards and found some "missed opportunities" that seem particularly amusing almost a decade later.

I have some very vague memories of how I received the three modeling cards from scouts in Manhattan. I don't think I ever pursued them at all. I must have assumed they weren't legit at the time. Maybe they weren't. I had a bad experience with what seemed to be a scheme in my hometown so I've always been cautious about scouts in general.

The blue card is my favorite. That moment I remember well. I was on tour in L.A. and we had only been there long enough for me to check into my hotel and walk to a fast food place for lunch. Some guy followed me back to my hotel room and walked right in my door. Granted, I left the door open because it was the middle of the day and my cast mates were in the pool right outside. The guy said he thought I would be perfect for his "company" and that he hoped I would get in contact with him. Then he handed me this waterproof (sex juice proof) card with a phone and pager number on it. I'm just glad he didn't kill me.

Talking to Myself

I'm sitting here in the dark, as often people do, thinking about everything I'm doing wrong. I'm not living up to , well, anything to be honest. I don't think it's the whole New Year resolution shit because I've had this feeling growing for awhile. It has been slowly creeping in on me and causing that wild range of emotions that finally hits total depression and then feeds on it for awhile. It's familiar.

I ended up here to write in an attempt to release some of the pressure from my mind. I suppose, I'm feeling very alone right now. I'm surrounded by people but nobody I can talk to. Perhaps I could talk to them. Yes, that's probably true. I suppose I do have people in my life that I could reach out to just to talk things through but I can't do that. Everyone has their load to bare, their life to live, and this is the time of year when things always seem to fall apart for everyone. I want to be a supporter, not a victim.

It's more than that though. I don't reach out because I'm aware I don't really want life advice or pity. I just want to be able to vocalize my worries without judgment or suggestions of what I should be doing to change things. I realize that is selfish. That is what a therapist is for. I should be paying someone for that. Well, I can't afford that luxury. I will just have to talk to myself for now.

I have decided to post this because it occurred to me that perhaps other people have felt this way as well. If that's true, you aren't alone.