Thursday, June 27, 2013

We Are Hiring!

My submission for questions to ask the prospective new employees:

Do you drink?
Do you enjoy cheese? (We eat a lot of cheese here and bitching about it is unacceptable.)
When you are on the phone do you feel the need to scream everything? (Proceed with practice test.)
Do you require a lot of hand holding?
Do you wear shoes?
Do you get really nervous doing simple tasks?
Do you shower regularly?
Do you wash your clothes regularly?
Does your laugh make others uncomfortable?
Will stories of your love life entertain us?
Do you understand the concept of cleaning up after yourself?
Can you type?
Can you identify the ring of a phone and then answer?
Are you willing to supply us with a list of your fears?
When watching sports at your desk instead of doing your job, are you able to keep your shouts to a minimum?

If only someone had thought to ask these questions before.  Then again, we would have no employees.  

Friday, June 21, 2013

30 Years and Other Things That Happened

I haven’t been here since April? Holy crap, where does the time go?
Let’s see…..

Well, I don’t remember much about May. I must have been sleeping.  I did go to Chicago to hang out with my mother and celebrate. We had amazing food and shopped a bit. My mom is pretty f’ing awesome. Everyone says so. Then we went back to my hometown and partied. It rained the whole time so we did more eating and sleeping.  It sounds sort of boring without the I will give details.

Okay, in Chicago at dinner our waiter (Magnus) brought out a scoop of ice cream with a candle in it and had the staff “sing” (the song is a series of grunts) to me for my birthday. Then he told my mother and me to go to the bar across the street and he would meet us for shots of Jameson as he was getting off work soon. We did not do this but I like to imagine he still had a good time without us.

In the hometown my grandmother set me up to have a reading by a man at her spiritual “church” she has started attending. He was an incredibly nice guy that was beaten up as a child, which caused severe damage to his brain and limbs leaving him with disfigurement throughout his body as well as epilepsy. He touched on a lot of things in my life but in the end it felt like more of a therapy session. I mentioned to him that I felt odd, like we were sharing energy and then I thought he was going to cry. We discussed dealing with epilepsy. He kept describing picturing a tree to help soothe me. A few days ago I went home to find a delivery at my apartment door. Turns out, after the reading he went home and saw a gift from his mother that he felt I needed to have. He gave it to my grandmother and asked her to get it to me. I think it’s captivating.

Then I turned 30.

I’ve been 30 for close to a month now. I feel so different. It’s like adulthood overtook me and now I have to do things like contribute a higher percentage to my retirement fund and invest in a more professional (less skin showing) wardrobe.  Okay, I’m lying. I’ve felt 30 for the last five years so pretty much nothing has changed. I still show excessive amounts of leg.