Knight Ramblings

FIVE YEARS

2012-02-16T14:15:00.000-05:00

I can't believe I've been writing this thing for FIVE YEARS already. Sure it has been off and on. Blog friends have come and gone. I have to say though, it's been one hell of a ride! Sometimes I think the people that know me best are the people that read my blog. Hell, it's FIVE YEARS of my life documented. So to all of you reading, thank you. You are keeping me ever so slightly on the inside of the sanity line.

xoxo
-Knight

Hello My Loves

2012-02-15T17:14:00.000-05:00

VD Has come and gone. It’s the Day of Valentine’s and Venereal Disease. I hope you enjoyed yours!

Mine was perfectly lovely for the most part.

Negative Points of Evil Corporate Love Day:

I had a seizure in the morning. The first one Mike was ever witness to. It seems it was very mild.

I was late to work and in pain most of the day.

My ex was writing shit that pertained to me on Facebook and generally it seems he feels very sorry for himself which affects me negatively because I can’t stop reaching out.

A friend’s mother is very close to passing away.

Positive Points of Evil Corporate Love Day:

Mom sent me Egyptian cotton bedding and new pillows!

I had a date Monday night with Mike at Fatty Crab and we ripped apart a sea creature together.

I was asked to buy flowers and candy for the office so we had a hideous bouquet and red velvet cupcakes.

I sent out little messages to at least a dozen friends.

The first Lodge Meeting in months was held at 5:30. It was beautiful.

My gorgeous friends Mojo and Lisa invited me over to their fest of bubbly, chocolate, and cheese spread. We drank and laughed while talking over a fundraiser coming up soon.

I got home at 1am.

The good outweighs the bad.

Not such a terrible holiday this time around and it’s all thanks to my many bitchin’ friends!

Happy hump holiday to you.

- Knight

Art & Familial Pride

2012-02-06T12:46:00.000-05:00

I’m fairly certain that I am looking at a self-portrait of my brother’s girlfriend’s vagina.

Now you are too.

Don’t worry, it is art. You see, my brother’s girlfriend is an extremely talented artist in Chicago. Apparently she just had an opening at some gallery and several of her amazing pieces are on display. Since her pieces are beautiful paintings of vaginas, technically her naughty bits are on display. You wouldn’t assume that is what you are looking at but I get the inside scoop from my brother. So today when I noticed he changed his Facebook profile picture to a painting I realized…. that’s a vagina.

They sell for quite a bit of money. We considered trying to purchase a small painting as a Christmas gift to go with the bacon lube we gave our grandmother. Unfortunately it was too expensive. I’ll just buy her a mirror and tell her to look at her own. Is that inappropriate? Have I gone too far? Yes. Yes I have.

In other news, my mother was voted Queen Groundhog by her Rotary Club. This amazing picture of people dressing her up with teeth and fur made one of the local newspapers.

Everyone harassed her that entire day. I’m so proud!

Poodle Bear

2012-01-31T12:12:00.000-05:00

Picture this:

Sunday Night. A bar in downtown Manhattan with an upper level cabaret space. A checkered stage. A dimly lit room. The amazing Parodivas. Several of my best friends. Knight in a leopard corset dress with microphone in hand.

Didn’t anybody take a picture? No? WTF?

Well anyway, The Parodivas premiered their brand new monthly Show and invited ME to headline.

Look how hot they are despite being cold and homeless.

I did a dead diva tribute by singing some Amy Winehouse and Etta James. I don’t think they would mind. I also did the Jessica Rabbit version of Why don’t you do right and used it as an excuse to molest the audience.

Up until I actually got on the stage I was having some serious anxiety issues. Singing with tracks instead of a live instrument is really f’ing scary. The Parodivas do it with ease but I was fairly sure I was about to humiliate myself by forgetting the lyrics and not being able to bullshit my way back out. Luckily it appears my bullshitting skills are fully intact and everything went well.

After my set I could calm down and enjoy the last ten minutes of the show as the Parodivas performed one of their ever popular audience participation MadLib Parodies. Before I left the stage they asked me for a pet name. Not the kind you would give a pet but something disturbing a lover might say to you. I gave them the most embarrassing pet name I could recall being called. We then listened to My Poodle Bear sung to the tune of My Endless Love. *VOMITS ON SELF*

It was a pretty fantastic night. I was incredibly surprised and flattered by the friends that showed up to support us.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot to mention that Oprah was somehow haunting the show. Don’t mention or mock her onstage unless you want some serious sound issues to start up. We are sorry Oprah! Please don’t send Tom Cruise to eat us.

Long Weekend of Sleep

2012-01-17T12:31:00.000-05:00

Friday afternoon I was stuck at my boss’ new townhouse where they recently kicked out squatters. I was advising a cleaner on what needed to be done in this absolute filth hole. I did a little sweeping and such myself in order to not waste time. It was disgusting. I will never be clean again. One of the prior occupants is a crazy bastard who spent a long time on the phone with me. He told me women are only good for cooking and giving birth. I told him he was an idiot and if he had any women in his life that allowed him to act that way they were idiots too. He asked me out to coffee. I hope to God I never have to meet him in person.

Friday night I went to a fancy fondue party. Delicious! One of my friends brought back a variety of delicious rums from Dominica. Mine was cinnamon and I swear to you it tasted just like Red Hot Candies! That night I had a pretty bad seizure. I’m sure it had something to do with fucking around in that disgusting house full of pesticides earlier in the day but at least at this time I was with someone I trust and love. I tried to sleep it off all Saturday morning. I went to brunch at 1 but still felt like crap. I ended up back at another friend’s place where I fell right back asleep with her cat in my lap. The cat love made my face swell up and my eyes turned bright red. Sexy. So I went home and passed out at 8:30pm. I didn’t get up until 2pm the next day. So I went to my bar where I watched the Giants beat the Packers. That sucked. I also discovered one of the bartenders there is quite the douche-canoe and will not be privy to my conversation ever again.Cross me once and you get daggers for life.

After the game I had a fairly mild night which was followed by another 13 hours of sleeping. I had dreams about making tacos so I woke up and… made tacos. This taco making process of my dreams made the whole weekend worthwhile. I really love tacos.

So now it’s Monday morning. I’m back at work. I’m still really sore from the damn seizure. I’m pissed off. I’m pissed that my body is so damn weak that it feels the need to go into a dangerous fit that takes me days to recover. What is wrong with me? Why can’t I stop it? Why don’t we know the real cause? When will I ever be able to emotionally handle this crap? Can’t the lesson just be learned and then we can move on?

I’m going back to bed.

Minneapolis - A Business Trip

2012-01-05T15:00:00.003-05:00

I was alone in Minneapolis. Earlier that day I had flown into this frozen-over city for a brief business trip. I was having a two night stand with the city and other than being chilled to the core I was enjoying myself.

After the sun set I decided to venture out of my hotel room and explore. I didn’t know my way around at all but with my innate abilities to find an eventful good time it was only minutes before I saw the electric light of a JAZZ sign hanging off of a building. I descended the stairs into the dimly lit bar room of a steak house. The place wasn’t very busy but a band was about to start so I sat at a table in a dim corner and ordered a glass of cabernet. A southern blues-soul sound began to fill the room. The lead had a perfect sort of rough sound to his voice that matched his sexy scruffy exterior. My senses were overwhelmed. I couldn’t keep my eyes off the band. The sound of the piano bounced off the walls and filled me with sheer elation. I stayed for hours until their gig was over.

The next night I went back. How could I not? This time I sat up at the bar and drank meaty red wines while smiling slyly at the singer who was definitely making eyes at me. The air was full of electricity. I wasn’t sure if I was so drawn to him because he was ridiculously handsome or because the music was a siren song. In retrospect perhaps it was the wine making a delicious blend of the two.

After the set he met me at the bar with the rest of the band. We flirted and had a few laughs. Conversation was easy. We went well together. When the bar closed we wandered to another in order to prolong our meeting. Our hands were entwined. Toward the end of the night I found myself in his car as he gave me a ride back to my hotel so I wouldn’t have to endure the chill. Our discussion turned to something personal and intense regarding a recent divorce and your soul aching. It led to a very passionate kiss. He cupped my cold face with his hands and said I had to be some sort of angel. I had appeared at the perfect moment. His sparkling eyes locked in on mine as we kissed again. Then we said goodbye. I flew home to New York a few hours later.

We never saw each other again.

Grandma Knight

2012-01-03T14:37:00.000-05:00

Grandma Knight passed away in the early hours of last Saturday morning. She had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital on Christmas day. I feel lucky that I was in my hometown at the time and able to visit her in the hospital before and after her angiogram. On my last visit before heading back to New York I thought she seemed just as lovely and ornery as ever so I wasn’t worried. We had the chance to say I love you one last time.

They held her funeral this morning. I feel terribly guilty that I’m not able to be there to support my family and pay my respects. My mom called me a half hour ago to tell me how great her hair looked with pearl combs just as she would have wanted. She was known for her hair and very proud of it. Mom told me how well everything went and that my dad and grandfather seem to be doing well. My poor father happened to be witness to the heart attack at the nursing home on Friday night that eventually led to her passing. He had to make the decisions. That must have been so awful for him.

My Grandfather is 93 years old. He was a WWII pilot that was shot out of the sky and became a POW. Somehow he lived to be the strongest 93 year old I’ve ever seen. Watching him at the hospital after my grandmother’s angiogram was one of the most heartbreaking moments I have ever witnessed. He told me he stayed up the entire night prior rubbing her back and trying to ease the pain. He couldn’t stand to see her like that. It was pure dedication and love for a person you spent the last 64 years by the side of.

So I sit here at work thinking about my family all together talking about my grandmother and how wonderful she was to all of us. I’m lucky to have such a fantastic and loving family. Sure some of them are crazy but so am I. It’s still in a loving way. Grandma was so supportive of every one of her six grandkids. We were all busy with various activities. All the boys participated at every sport available to them. I was the little singer in the family and grandma swears I got that from her. They were not only at every game/ performance/ recital possible but they also took us to practice whenever needed. I remember when I was little they lived in a house very near ours. We were dropped off before school and every morning she would make us coco with marshmallows and peanut butter toast. They were drowning in pictures of all of us. Grandma was convinced that every last one of her offspring was gorgeous. We are by the way ;) Just like her.

I have no idea how old I was but at some point when I was still very young I had a raspberry colored pea coat. From then on I was her Raspberry Princess. Nicknames stuck for a lifetime with that side of my family. Don’t you dare call me that though. Only Grandma Knight had that privilege.

Last year for my mother’s 49^th birthday my Grandmother on my mom’s side of the family decided to throw her a party and as entertainment flew me in to sing for a few hours. I know it was partly because she didn’t think my other grandparents would have many other chances to ever hear me again. I have to remember to thank her again for that. I know it meant a lot to them because my Grandma was so proud of me and I felt so guilty for never recording something to send her.

I wish I could be with them.

I’m thinking of you Grandma. Thank you for everything.

White Liars Outtakes

2011-12-22T13:27:00.000-05:00

This is a little awkward for obvious reasons but I'm sharing it with you blog friends anyway. If you have yet to see the web series White Liars you are really letting me down. Or, you would be if there was any way for me to know. Whatever. I'm going to share the special outtakes video with you in hopes of making you laugh or at least getting you interested enough to watch episode three where I make a cameo.

Warning... there is a lot of my bare skin in the clip.

Fuck-it List

2011-12-20T14:04:00.001-05:00

I've been thinking about the end of the year coming up and what I’ve been accomplishing in life. This generally brings you to think about all the things you would like to do. You know, a bucket list of sorts. Well, I was curious so I started Googling various bucket lists to see what other people were up to. What a bunch of crap. Now, I’m not one to turn down an adventure but some of the more common stuff sounds horrible. This is what brought me to make my very own Anti-Bucket List aka Fuck-it List.

Climb Mountains of any Sort - Why do people do this? It’s cold and there are better ways to get places now.

Run with the Bulls - Come on. This is just stupid! I would die. End of story.

Finish a Marathon - I hate running. I have a hard time understanding why this is fulfilling to people. Don’t get me wrong, if it works for you that is awesome but I can’t grasp the thrill myself.

Walk to the top of the Statue of Liberty – BORING! Why bother? The view isn’t that amazing and it’s a pain in the ass. Maybe I would do the Eifel Tower. Maybe. If I couldn't find a better view that is.

Write a Book – In my opinion more people should avoid this. You have nothing to say! I’ve got nothing to say. It would be more self-indulgent than this blog. I’m sorry to disappoint you all.

Hit the Vegas Strip with my Girls - If I’m going to Vegas it’s not going to be with a bunch of screaming girls. Obnoxious I tell you. They even did a reality show onOxygen that shows you in detail how annoying it is.

Shake Hands with a President - Meh. Cool I guess but in no way bucket worthy. Whose hand would be bucket worthy? Do I really only get to shake the hand? A hand is a hand so what is the point? Now sitting down to a meal with someone cool; I could get on board with that. Like the Twilight Cast! (I’m kidding. Stop worrying.)

Swim with Dolphins - Those freaks are rapists and I would like to keep my sexual experiences reserved for humans. Thank you.

Attend a FurryConvention - Again, I prefer humans and have no interest in those humans being dressed as animals.

Bungee Jump - The perfect way to ensure my spine won’t last forever. As the saying goes “A broken rubber brought me into this world. It sure as hell isn’t taking me out.”

People have some weird goals. Some stuff I found interesting and I might consider putting it on a to-do list. It would be a lot of traveling and random adventure sports. I don’t like to plan that far ahead though. I’ve done some cool things in life thus far and my only real hope is to continue on that path. Did I leave anything off the list that I should remember to never do?

Childhood Perceptions

2011-12-09T15:55:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I received a strange message from a girl I went to elementary school with. I'm pretty sure I only knew her two or three years. I wouldn't really say that we were ever friends but I always thought she was very nice (albeit painfully shy) and when she found me on Facebook I was glad to accept and see where she went in life. Then I was surprised to get this message.

Ok.. so... I'm sitting here and having one of my many sentimental reflective moments. And at times it takes me back to the time I lived in Illinois. A time that is dear to me... I never wanted to move to Ohio nor do I ever want to move back to Ohio (I'm currently living in Georgia) even tho all my family lives in either Ohio or Illinois. But that is beside the point. I got to thinking about why certain things stick in our memories better than others for some reason. For instance, I have ALWAYS remembered something mean that Stephen said to me in sixth grade (do you remember him?) And then I got to thinking about you... you always hung with the "cool" crowd yet you were never mean. I never forgot that about you. But I have to say that I always saw you as being the one to settle down in the city you grew up in and being married with 2.5 children and a white picket fence, you know what I mean? So I got to wondering, what brought you to New York? And are you happy? And if you are still reading this email than obviously I've kept your attention for this long so I do hope that you will respond and I hope that you arent totally caught off guard with this random email. I used to be pretty shy but in my old age (we are almost 30!!) I've realized that it doesnt really matter what you do, you only live once, right?!

What a sweet surprise, right? I'm completely shocked by her childhood perceptions of what those years were like and how they differ from mine. For instance, the Stephen she refers to was a very shy guy himself. I think he had an extremely difficult childhood. I recall him being very nice and awkward. I wonder what he could have possibly said that bothered her for the next twenty years?

I don't really recall being a part of a "cool group". I guess I didn't realize we had a cool group because we didn't have a whole lot of kids in the class. I was also pretty insecure myself. Now I'm wondering who was involved in this group and how it came to be. I'm so incredibly flattered that she thought of me as nice. I would like to think I was a nice kid. I hope I never said anything that tormented another child for twenty years. I know things were said to me but I've forgiven those people because children are stupid and that stuff happens. It's a learning process on how to grow into a decent human.

What on EARTH gave this girl the idea that I would be a mommy in a little city with white fences? What could I possibly have done to ever put that in her head? Truth be told, I think every other girl I knew from those years did exactly that. Maybe I was a follower? Gross. I'm so glad to be me.

I wonder, since I have the almighty Facebook at hand, if I should pay it forward? Perhaps I should write a message to some other random kid from that class with my perception of those years we knew each other. What do you think? How would you feel about being on the receiving end of such an out of the blue memory sharing moment?

Getting Into the Spirit(s)

2011-12-02T12:45:00.000-05:00

I'm trying to get in the spirit of the season but I feel so damn busy it just isn't working. I finally started sorting out my calendar yesterday. Holy crap I'm committed to a lot of parties and whatnot this month. Ahh! When will I find time to make the beer shower caddies I promised everyone?

Thankfully my mother already ordered the Bacon Lube my grandmother thinks we are getting her for Xmas. I don't want to disappoint.

Holiday Party Numero Uno starts tonight. I'm meeting old coworkers for our annual Winter Solstice gathering. To get myself in the proper holiday attitude I'm counting on the help of my friends. Perhaps it will help you as well. First off I shall turn to the musical styling of my handsome and disturbing friends Neil & Sky.

Share them with your friends and family!

Also, another friend of mine is apparently so obsessed with Christmas that he started a blog about it. Check out Larson's Cavalcade of Christmas. I have a feeling it will get pretty crazy over there.

If none of this works I'm going to start bringing spiked eggnog to work every day until we feel appropriately spirited at the office.

History Lessons

2011-11-28T13:31:00.002-05:00

Today I was thinking to myself, humans are so stupid.

We all know that history repeats itself, right? So, maybe we should consider adding something to the No Child Left Behind curriculum. Maybe we should have a "How History Repeats Itself and Repetition Prevention" class (purposeful irony) in the schools. Perhaps learning from our mistakes would help us evolve.

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

- Albert Einstein

Personal Notes

2011-11-22T17:44:00.000-05:00

I hang out in bars and write to myself. I’ve been doing it for years. I carry around little notebooks or write on napkins. Then months or years later I can look back and see what a nutcase I am. Today I started looking through a little notebook. Let me share some excerpts that are in no way in any sort of order.

July 2009 at Primehouse – Cout Du Rhone

This month, for the very first time in my life, I feel old. That scares me. I don’t think I have much to show for my age. I wanted to have more to say by now. I’ve been in New York for almost eight years. I love it more intensely now than ever before. So many people tell me they want to get out of the city to own a home or take a break. I’m not shocked I haven’t burned out but I guess I sort of believed I would start feeling that way. Relationships are odd. After the things Sky said over the past few days I’m thinking he actually really cares now. I’m still careful though. I often think this might not work once I’m employed. He has a lot of things that come before me and when I’m too busy to follow him around things might go to shit. I know why I’m having such a hard time finding a job or even looking for one. I have no idea what I want to do. I’m fucked.

April 2011 at Bourbon Street – Heineken

I am endless trouble. What am I doing? I mean, I’m happy. I’m having a great time. BUT with how I am I can’t help but wonder when the shit will hit the fan and how. I really need to remember to keep being careful and not spiral downward into some dark abyss.

November (no year) at Park Bar – Shiraz

I’m thinking too much about Casey and his lack of desire to see me. I’m not sure why I care. I like to be alone but when it comes to him I worry easy. There seems to be too much making me believe it is all temporary. I know he needs to be around people but in never needs to be me.

December 2009- Primehouse Cabernet Sauvignon

Where would that leave me? Alone in my apartment all day I guess. I wonder what is next in store for me. Maybe I should get a job at the bar. That would help me make my life utterly pointless. I’m just upsetting myself. I mean it all but it’s so damn upsetting. You Know? I’m actually scared.

January 2009 at Birdland – Cabernet

I’m seeing the Monty Alexander Trio with Casey. I love it! The clarity. The Timing. The blending. The song risk. They are very talented musicians. I feel it in my spine. The tingle that starts in the chest and moves in both directions numbing but exciting everything as it spreads.

March 2011 Bourbon Street – Heineken

Why does this keep happening? I’m a danger to others.

September 2009 Stone Creek- Dirty Martini

I know space makes me forget the pain and anger but I just can’t help feeling guilty. I think he treated me better than anyone else ever will. I’m tired. People are here now. I have to stop.

I guess I write mostly when I’m depressed. I’ve never shared any of this with anyone. I’m hoping this little purge will be to my benefit.

Love,

Knight

I don’t fu%$ing care what you think anymore.

2011-11-16T17:32:00.000-05:00

Everyone needs to just shut up about Occupy Wall Street.

Shut up about Paterno being a douche.

Shut up about that strange A List Dallas character that was attacked.

Shut up about Chaz Bono.

Shut up shut up shut up.

The amount of crazy ignorance that has been spewed around me within the past couple of days has made me completely hateful and hopeless for mankind.

For the love of Jeebus people. Don’t blindly follow anything. Do your research. Real research. Get Facts. Get your facts from reliable sources. Think for yourself.

Groped

2011-10-18T13:19:00.000-04:00

Some days I’m a lot closer to killing strangers than usual. Sunday was one of those days.

I was standing outside my Cheers bar smoking a cancer stick and talking to a girlfriend. My mom was inside with my various male friends. As I stood on the empty sidewalk chatting about Brian Wilson or Heineken, or maybe it was the economic state of our country… whatever, I saw a person out of the corner of my eye walking up the sidewalk. I didn’t acknowledge them. Then I feel this short little guy completely rub his entire body against my back side as he passed me. The sidewalk was empty. He had plenty of room. This guy basically just groped me. You see, I’m tall. I was wearing a short dress. This little guy was able to rub his entire arm and chest against my ass as he passed me by. Once I realized what happened he had already run pretty far up the street. I started screaming at him calling him a f$%ing pervert. He turned around at the corner, blew me a kiss and grabbed himself. Then he ran away. It wasn’t worth it for me to chase the guy with my stiletto in hand because I would be arrested for maiming his pathetic face but damnit I was so pissed off. How often do you think that asshole gets away with shit like that? I happened to be outside with the one person in the whole bar that wasn’t able to kick his ass. I’m so disgusted.

Everybody, keep your damn hands to yourself. Unless, of course, you’ve received a request to do otherwise.

Vincent Price was REALLY Into Spanking

2011-10-11T11:45:00.000-04:00

This has nothing to do with anything. I just thought you should know.

You're Welcome.

Dear Lover,

2011-10-03T16:59:00.000-04:00

Dear Lover,

I had this terrifying dream that you were trying to wake me in the middle of the night for a little, ahem, lovin’ and when I opened my eyes I didn’t recognize you. I didn’t recognize you because apparently before waking me you decided to shave off all your hair including your beard and eyebrows. It scared the crap out of me. Please, lover, don’t shave off your eyebrows in the middle of the night. You need them. If you promise not to do anything crazy like that I shall be happy to wake whenever you want.

Xo,

Knight

Knight for Lodge President

2011-09-30T14:43:00.000-04:00

I've mentioned before that I belong to a group known as The Lodge. It's basically a bunch of us that hang out at a neighborhood bar and screw around. We take it very seriously. Well, today I submitted my candidacy for President. It's mostly inside jokes but I figured, what the hell, I've got to share it with my blog peeps.

Attention Lodge Skanks and Curmudgeons,

At this time I, Carly Knight, would like to announce my candidacy for President of The Lodge in the upcoming November 2011 election.

This may come as a surprise to none of you considering the endless hours I’ve spent at (Insert name of bar) campaigning over the last year. I feel it’s very important to know the lushes of the Lodge and their various hopes, dreams, needs, and cocktail orders. I’ve also put forth the extra effort to ensure a comfortable Lodging experience by befriending all Bartenders, Bar backs, and Bouncers. They are essential to our cause in securing a well bused table and well lubricated cast of characters.

In my role as Secretary of Defense not a single Lodge member has been raped or pillaged, during Lodge hours. As President of The Lodge I would continue to maintain safety by wearing weaponry as well as taking security up a notch by directing a fan towards whoever has the strongest stench of the day (most likely Loraine). This will direct the stench out the window towards possible thieving Pirate Queens and away from The Lodge members making our overall experience much more enjoyable.

My hopes for The Lodge in the upcoming year include actualizing the many exciting theme events we’ve discussed such as Prom, Pajama Parties, and Mud Wrestling. I look forward to the induction of new members; however, as President I would require a full delousing and proper grope of Lodge candidates. This should help keep out the riff-raff.

I’m not campaigning on Hope for The Lodge. I don’t want to bring about change. I just want to help my beloved Lodge friends imbibe in an environment free of worms and crabs. We can take care of the current President Freddy Geils’ fruit fly problem once and for all. I’ll ensure that wet wipes are always available to those in fear of infection. I’ll help Vice President Miranda finally gets some medication for his incontinence problem, or at least buy him a diaper. We’ll keep a vat of scabies cream behind the bar for the lot of you, because I care.

I have a dream that one day this Lodge will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: “We hold this booze to be self-evident: that all alcoholics are created equal.” If I am elected President I will do my best to keep The Lodge strong not only because I love all of you but because my therapist thinks it’s good for me.

Signed,

Carly Knight

Secretary of Defense

The Lodge

Rafting Prom 2011!

2011-09-07T16:50:00.000-04:00

In the year 2001 I spent one special day primping and stressing over the minute details of what was a barely remembered sort of annoying night. The event I attended was known to my high school senior class as Prom. It didn’t suck but it wasn’t the amazing momentous occasion you are told to dream of either.

Two weeks ago I was at a friend’s birthday party being introduced to a sassy guy in a pink shirt as his prom date. He didn’t appreciate his date being forced upon him. I think he assumed I was a bitch. I assumed he was gay. I had no idea what this prom thing was so my friends explained that they had plans to get dressed in formal wear and then travel to a river in Jersey where they would ride down the river on air mattresses. No way in hell was I going to miss this. It turns out pink shirt guy is not gay, just a bit of a hipster and we have a ton in common even though I am a bit of a bitch. I get to go to prom!

Ten years later the real prom of my dreams comes to life. Hell, even the music was better. Listening to a bunch of freaks belt out Total Eclipse of the Heart while standing in a waterfall is a million times better than standing in a swaying circle of pubescent, crying, sex crazed youth singing American Pie.

Okay, okay it wasn’t prom. It was just a really awesome outing with crazy amazing people. Here, I’ll show you so you can feel left out. Just like your original prom.

This is the full crew. Photo taken by random man in the forest with dog.

The Ladies of the Lake

I'm keepin' it classy New Jersey!

The guys are lookin' mighty fine.

Actually with me putting my dress on in the background it looks a little like a terrifying woodland after-orgy photo.

Prom Photo! Knight and Date

The Naughty Couple

The water looks oil filled but we didn't notice anything unusual. Thanks to the hurricane we almost cancelled the trip. We were afraid of flooding, hypothermia, dead bloated animals, cemetery bits, and 10,000 gallons of diesel fuel.

The Mighty Waterfall

Climbing the Waterfall (aka Tits and Ass photo)

I lost my shoe climbing the rock and sensing my weakness my date started stalking me in the wood.

Carrying my dead body down the river like a gentleman.

#Wehadfun

So it was a pretty great Labor Day weekend. Hey if anyone has any awesome ideas of amazing things to do I'm open to suggestions.

Remember Books?

2011-09-01T14:29:00.005-04:00

I’m old fashioned already. I’m going to grow into an evil curmudgeon someday.

Today (and everyday) I’m taking the subway to work like I always do. I’m ready at the door to get off the train and walk directly out the turnstile without any pausing to cause a traffic jam. Today (and everyday) when the subway car doors open and we are trying to exit the train, we are greeted by a sea of oblivious people blocking the doors. Every single one of the oblivious herd is looking down at some handheld device that is so important they don’t realize they have blocked us in. Now I can’t get off the train and you can’t get on the train. Today (and everyday) I have to shove you out of my way so I can go to work.

The worst part is that I look like the crazy person not for shoving my way through a crowd but because I’m holding in my hand something unheard of. A type of object that doesn’t require a charger. You may remember them from your youth. I don’t want to age myself here but it’s true, I carry a book with me. A real one! It’s made of that stuff you might recall from before the world went “green”. That stuff they make from trees? Yeah paper. Just a few years ago everyone on the train had a book. Now I feel like it’s equal to carrying a boom box on my shoulder. Okay maybe a cd player.

All I really want is for everyone to stop staring at Words with Friends long enough to enter the train or cross the street safely. If you aren’t paying attention and you run into me I’m warning you now I’m going to punch you in the head. I can’t hold out any longer. On a similar note, you don’t need to “check in” at every block. If you make it that easy for people to stalk you I just might start doing it. I’ll show up everywhere you are. It won’t be pretty.

Being a Rock Star … and Whatnot

2011-08-15T16:08:00.010-04:00

Dear Dudes, (Because it has been brought to my attention hardly any females comment on my blog.)

Last week I spent a full day in the studio making a DVD with my band mates. We were recording audio and video at the same time so we were in full Rock mode. It was bloody awesome. It would be more awesome if I gave two shits about the music we were recording but alas, I’ll settle for spending the day singing. Because I love it. So much.

So as I’ve explained before, the guys in the band are amazing. All of them have seriously impressive resumes and have played with tons of stars. Then there are the eye candy/backup singers which consist of me and El. We basically danced in place much more than would normally be natural and hit ourselves with tambourines.

El took a ton of pictures so I shall share some here with you.

This is me not paying attention.

Knight and EL
The Studio

This is what happens when you are overzealous with a tambourine.

So last week was awesome. This week I’m doing a shoot for a short film. I’m one of four backup burlesque dancers in this film noir dark satire. I was just e-mailed a picture of our “costumes”.

I’ll let you know how it goes.

Same old crap.

2011-08-04T16:58:00.002-04:00

I know I need to post but I’m not feeling the inspiration. Let’s try stream of thought for a bit and see where we go.

It just now occurred to me that if I ever were to receive an engagement ring with a big rock on it, wearing it would be dangerous. If I had a seizure I could stab the hell out of my face and eyes.

Not that I plan to get engaged or anything. Ever.

I’ve started to notice that every time I sing karaoke at a bar the bartenders compliment me and give me a free shot. Um… that’s just awesome. I feel pretty damn good about that. Maybe I can get a friend to record something next time so I can share it here.

I made the mistake of watching The Glee Project even though I never really watched Glee. I assume I like it because I used to be a part of the whole auditioning scene and I like watching kids get tortured. I hope nobody wins. I hate them all. My main problem is that they sing a part of a song at the end and I have no idea what song they are covering I just know the one lyric they sing and it is now stuck in my head ALL THE GODDAMN TIME. “There’s nothing I can saaaaaay. Nothing I can doooooo. Blah blah blah blah blaaaaaaah…when it comes to the truth. So keeeeeeeeep holiding onnnnnnnnn. Cause you know I’ll make it through. I’ll make it through eww eww.” Yeah maybe I don’t know it that well… but how can I get it out of my head? Please! Please help me!

Two of my guy friends are currently going through divorces. They decided to move in together. They are having a combined birthday party this weekend. Why do I think this is both awesome and adorable? I adore them both.

Is a Snuggie a good going away gift? I wish I could get one for the cat but that would just piss the pussy off. The cat not the guy.

I had my intake meeting for that whole therapy thing I talked about in my last post. It went really well. The dude was great and we talked an hour over the allotted time. I guess I was interesting. He pretty much told me what I really need is a Neuro Psychiatrist so I can get my life back in order. I agree.

Work is over. I am done.

Oh yeah, Happy Birthday Mr. President.

A 13 year old boy made me cry.

2011-07-19T15:12:00.005-04:00

I haven’t been reduced to tears by a teenager since I was one. .. until yesterday.

I was doing my boss a favor by taking his son on a two hour train ride out to his friend’s summer home. He is a real sweet kid and we have met several times so we were pretty comfortable in each other’s company. He is a curious question asking kid but polite about it so I don’t mind. He asked a lot about epilepsy in general. Somehow I said something in jest that made him question my dating life. He actually asked how many boyfriends I have. I laughed and skirted an answer by responding with “Actually the guy I really like is moving to LA within the month.” Then we talked about theater or something and he went back to playing his PlayStation or whatever hand held device that was.

This whole time I thought I was being regular old badass me with my cold exterior and dark sarcasm. Either I’ve become totally transparent or this intuitive kid saw right through it. About twenty minutes later he turned off his game and looked at me with serious concern. “You’re having a real hard time right now, aren’t you?” I was caught off guard. Perhaps he was talking about something else? “With the epilepsy and that guy leaving, it must be hard.” When I caught my breath I awkwardly laughed and said, “Yeah, I guess you’re right. It is hard.” I smiled and went back to staring at my hands or something. “It will be okay though” was his final statement on the subject and he proceeded to watch Family Guy episodes on his phone. I didn’t think another thing of it.

I dropped him off with his friend’s babysitter at the train station. I grabbed some lunch and waited for the train back to the city. It wasn’t until I got into my seat and settled that I let it sink in. Suddenly I realize my face is totally wet due to the silent tears that are rushing down my cheeks. Damnit, that kid struck something. I’ve been bursting into tears at random for days but I just thought it was emotional backlash of the seizures. I thought it would go away. This wasn’t about that though. This kid saw through me and he is right. I have a lot of emotionally damaging stuff going on right now and I avoid dealing with it by keeping myself busy and never going home. If I go home I’ll be alone with my thoughts and that is the scariest place of all.

After what happened yesterday it has become extremely clear to me that I need to go to therapy as soon as possible. I’ve been putting it off far too long. Someone recently told me I don’t have to live like this. That’s hard to comprehend but if it’s true I want to try. It would be nice to have someone I could tell the whole story to for once. Not just the pieces they won’t judge me for.

Thanks Kid.

Why do I refuse to take care of myself?

2011-07-14T14:56:00.004-04:00

That show I’ve been working on for the past couple months finally opened last weekend. We have seven more performances and so far the reviews have been pretty good.

Review 1
Review 2
Review 3
Review 4

I’m thrilled with how well everyone pulled together. It has been a great group of people that didn’t cause a huge amount of backstage drama. You know what bitches actors can be. I think for the most part nobody hates anybody else… yet. Overall I’m proud to have been a part of this show.

I let the stress of the show and other aspects of my personal life get the best of me. I probably did more than my share of grunt work and then tied that into going out to celebrate after rehearsals/shows plus a general lack of sleep. I have guilt and anxiety swimming through my veins thanks to this whole not knowing how to be single thing. With all that it wasn’t a huge surprise that I had two bad seizures last week.

I think the seizure/demons shook something loose in my brain because I’ve been a pretty emotional wreck since the last one. After the first I was okay because it had been ten weeks since my last grand mal seizure and other than being generally sore I seemed fine. The second one was worse. I was alone so I’m not sure what happened but I know I woke up on the floor in a puddle. I have some nasty cuts along my left knuckles and on my feet. My shoe closet is broken so my best guess is that I actually hit it apart while convulsing. I bit my tongue so bad that it started to turn black. That was the most disgusting of all.

Well, tonight I’m going to party like its 1999. That was a sleepy suggestion given to me this very morning. At the time I thought, “go back to sleep you crazy bastard” but now that I think it through it’s a good plan. I figure in 1999 I was 16 and I still had a curfew. So tonight I’m going to bed like a good girl and not sneaking out the balcony and into my boyfriend’s car. (Don’t worry mom, that only happened a couple times and obviously I never got knocked up or arrested.)

No wonder I have problems.

I'm going to go on my brunch break.

2011-07-11T10:24:00.001-04:00

http://white-liars.com

For those of you that have been following that web series I have a cameo in, my episode went live today.
Watch at your own risk.

Love, Knight

Biker Longings

2011-07-01T13:36:00.005-04:00

I know my last post was long and boring but it was cathartic for me. So suck it.

Back to important things.

I need a motorcycle.

Actually, I need a motorcycle license. Turns out to get one of those I have to learn how to drive a motorcycle not just sit behind somebody else. Oh how I would love to know… but..I don’t know anyone in New York that still has a bike. Well, I guess there is that crazy old guy Mr. Glass that I met hanging out at the bar awhile back. He was nice and gave me a ride downtown once. Then he wouldn’t stop telling me how much he enjoyed my arms wrapped around him so maybe contacting him for lessons is out.

I have two other good friends who know how to ride but they don’t have a bike in the city. Should we rent and take excursions in Jersey? Oh my god that would be a dream outing! Screw the beach.

Do any of you ride?

I posted awhile back about my new dream to ride around with a camera and visit all my blog friends. I still think this is an awesome idea. Especially if I do it in the outfit the chick in the picture is wearing. So, if I get my bike and my license, will you tell me where to find you?

The Never Ending Process of Trying to Move On

2011-06-30T15:00:00.005-04:00

When I started this blog I had recently been broken up with by someone that I had already fallen head over heels for. It broke my heart. I couldn’t let them know how much. We stayed friends and I think outwardly I handled it well. I started to see someone else but unfortunately for them I wasn’t over my ex. I couldn’t move on. As it turned out the breakup didn’t stick and we were back together within months.

I really had a wonderful time when I was with Casey. I didn’t doubt that the love was mutual and he became my best friend. I think for both of us it was the first relationship that showed us what we were worth, and it’s a lot. I adore his entire family and all of his friends. He was the only person I ever imagined building a future with. I wanted a part of that life.

Unfortunately things change. There was some sort of disconnect in understanding each other and I started to grow distant. There is no reason to go back into that so I won’t. We wanted different things in life and we had to move on.

Casey and I are still friends. We can’t possibly be as close as we once were but I try to stay a part of his life and attempt to keep him in mine. I think we’ve done a pretty stellar job at the whole ex thing to be honest.

Last weekend I was asked to meet for a happy hour margarita. It had been a few months since we last went for drinks just the two of us and I wondered if there was a particular reason for this meeting. One margarita in, the news came out. Next month Casey is proposing to his girlfriend during their trip to Paris.

I honestly don’t remember what my initial reaction was. I guess I was somewhat shocked because I didn’t know how serious the relationship was. I felt incredibly happy for him and selfishly melancholy at the same time. I wasn’t sure why. I spent the next couple days trying to sort out my thoughts and emotions. I teared up more than once. I finally just said it. I feel like I’m losing him.

Let me clarify. I don’t want to be romantically involved or anything of the sort. I’m thrilled that someone I care so much about found the person they want to spend the rest of their life with. I’m just jealous that I don’t know her. I don’t know that part of his life. Now that part will be his everything. Casey, like a true adult, is moving on.

I have a constant fear of losing my friends. This isn’t new. I've had this reaction before. Just not with someone I once thought I would marry. I know that the people I love are going to couple up and move out of the city. I’ll hear from them in a Facebook post and maybe see them every couple years. I know we all grow apart and relationships change. I know. And yet I can’t seem to handle it like everyone else.

I told Casey this (more or less) via e-mail once I had it figured out. Now, with his blessing, I’m going to work on getting to know his future fiancé. With that in mind, suddenly, all that selfish worry is gone. Now I can be appropriately excited for my friend in one of the biggest moments of his life. Seriously, Paris?! That’s going to be one hell of a proposal. She’s a lucky girl to have you Case. I’m sure I’ll soon find that you’re lucky to have her too.

“Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving.” — Albert Einstein

Buffer Post

2011-06-30T13:42:00.002-04:00

Dear Sky,

2011-06-28T13:23:00.002-04:00

If you have a problem with the things I post on my blog stop reading it.

I can't avoid the Facebook posts you make about it unless I block you. Is that what you want?

It's not as if anyone that reads this knows you anyway.

White Liars Episode Two

2011-06-27T10:30:00.002-04:00

For anyone that is interested in following...

White Liars Episode Two is UP.

I'm in the next one. It will be up on July 11th.

Today I was just invited to do a cameo in another web series filming late August. It will be all kinds of awesome... I hope.

Total Eclipse of my Patience

2011-06-23T12:10:00.005-04:00

Whenever life gets you down, Mrs. Brown
And things seem hard or tough

And people are stupid obnoxious or daft

And you feel that you've had quite enough...

Oh Monty Python, you always know just how I feel.

Lately I’ve been having a major problem with patience. My boss, and cast, and “friends”, and health, and living situation, and love, and…well, what else is there? It’s all testing my sanity. I keep writing BE CALM and PATIENCE on whatever papers are in front of me at the time. I try not to snap at my boss for talking to me like I’m a child with a severe learning disorder. I attempt to take solace in the fact that it isn’t me, he does it to everyone but that isn’t working this week. I try not to make stabbing gestures toward the people in my cast that won’t sit down and shut the F^%& UP while we are working. The darling little children in the cast that need a severe beating have me gripping my script and clenching my teeth for fear I will snap and scare the ever loving shit out of them. Everything seems to be grating at my nerves. This leads me to believe it’s me not them. As hard as that is to comprehend.

So what is going on? Why am I so much more stabby than usual? Why does everyone suck so much more this week?

Wait, let’s look outside of yourself for a second Knight. Why is there so much crazy going on with everyone else? So many friends keep confiding in me with terrible news of death, illness, divorce, moving away, etc. What is going on?

I guess it’s just the ebb and flow of life.

Or could it be?

Solar Eclipse - June 1, 2011

Lunar Eclipse - June 15, 2011

Solar Eclipse – July 1, 2011

Three eclipses in six weeks? Well, holy hell. Three eclipses and a full moon will drive us all mad. That's if you follow astrology at all. I’m going to go ahead and blame it all on the stars. Why not? It's somehow comforting to know that this too shall pass and life will go on as it always does and always has. You've just got to remember... that you're standing on a planet that's evolving....

A combination of pictures taken in Islamabad shows the moon in various stages of a total lunar eclipse on June 16, 2011. Astronomers in parts of Europe, Africa, Central Asia and Australia enjoy a total lunar eclipse today, the first of 2011 and the longest in nearly 11 years. AFP PHOTO/ AAMIR QURESHI

Is This Really My Life?

2011-06-20T12:59:00.003-04:00

Since this blog is my therapy outlet it appears I have turned it into a recap of what I do with my life. Well, that isn’t stopping now. So let’s talk about my weekend. Actually, let me talk. You just sit there and read with an uncomfortable look on your face.

Friday night I was hanging out with the gorgeous and ridiculously talented Benji. I plied him with wine and delicious bloody marys. He drew this amazing picture of me within about a minute and said it was just practice. What he drew in seconds I couldn’t accomplish in….ever. I would post it but that would be weird. Then we went out on the town and talked about our different kissing methods. (Yep Ben, I just announced that on my blog ;) So, yeah that was the highlight of my weekend.

It was all downhill from there.

Saturday I went to rehearsal with the terrible cover band. Apparently my “friend” succeeded in kicking out the bass player because a guy I had never seen before walked in the door and started playing with us. That’s too bad. The original bass was a nice guy. Then afterwards I went to my Cheers bar where I discovered that this same “friend” has been trash talking me for months to anyone that will listen. He was upset when he found out I was dating the bartender so he has basically been making up stories and making me look like a whore. Thanks a lot asshole. You just wait and see the kind of wrath I’m capable of. He’ll get his I assure you.

Speaking of assholes…..

Saturday night I was supposed to hang out with Sky which would be the first time we hung out just the two of us out on the town since the breakup. He bailed on me. I got a headache (probably from the wrath) and went to sleep ridiculously early. Sunday I woke up, did some work, and went roller skating. Sky wanted to see the new Woody Allen movie so we made plans. We met at the bar and everything was going fine. We got on the subway and irrational anger started pouring out of both of us. It turned into a loud F&% YOU fight on the platform. It was humiliating. He blames everything on me and I know he expects me to apologize. I disagree. So we aren’t speaking.

Then I drowned myself in tears and liquor which is a very sexy look on any devastated girl. It screams “I’m an easy target!” Luckily I survived and woke up today still shaken up but ready for a hungover day at the office.

How was your weekend?

Another Day in the Knight Life

2011-06-14T13:24:00.006-04:00

Saturday was a fun day. I woke up in my closet of an apartment at 8am and prepared for a day I knew just might kill me. I packed my outfits and props for the day. (That makes me sound like an escort but alas it wasn’t that kind of day.) I took a couple chugs of leftover bloody mary in a jug. Then I headed for the M60 Bus that carries me through Manhattan and over to Queens.

In Queens I met up with the director of the show I’ve been assistant directing for the past couple of months. We talked about her cats. Then we prepared for our preview showing of The Trojan Women which was held outside in the rain at the Beer Garden. We watched as our darling actors sat out in that miserable weather protected by the burlap burkas. Poor babies. Then we ate kielbasa while chugging beer for a few hours.

When that fun was over four of us took the props and trash back to cat lady director’s house where I styled her fire red hair into a hot 40’s look. We drank screwdrivers and talked about… cats. Oh, and my engagement to one of them. (I only do it to make the other jealous.) Did I mention that we are four of the hottest females ever? Well, the three of them are at least. It’s ridiculous. I would show you pictures but I don’t have consent. Seriously hot AND all of us are single.

What was I talking about? Oh yeah, so I changed into a hot black dress and ran off to my friend’s birthday dinner in Hell’s Kitchen. I’m an idiot so I was late. Then we went to a gay bar we have frequented way too much over the years. I think that is what we did. I’m a little fuzzy at this point. They agreed to come with me to another bar even further downtown to watch the premier of the web series I have a cameo in. So we got in a cab.

We are now in a bar that I used to work near so I say hello to all my buddies that are working and proceed to the back room where they are about to screen the first three episodes of WHITE LIARS. Only episode one is live. They are coming out every other Monday and I’m in three so watch for it! I have to admit, episode three is the best and not just because I’m giving someone a lap dance in it.

EPISODE ONE

After the screening I think I got in a biting fight with someone because my arms are all bruised. I was just being playful. Then a friend of mine got a little too drunk and when some asshole called him a “fat f&$#” he decided to discuss the matter further outside. I thought this was embarrassing because the drunken ass who said the wrong thing was now surrounded by all my guy friends including the manager telling him he needed to leave immediately. I really hope this doesn’t become a theme in my life. The bar fight was only interesting once.

It probably isn’t too surprising that I didn’t feel fantastic on Sunday morning. All in a day though. All in a day.

Last Night

2011-06-10T16:27:00.002-04:00

After work I walked into the bar that I consider my own personal Cheers. I know when I go I’ll always have a friend there. I walked in the front door and did my once over to see who was in the place. Bartender that I’m kinda dating, check. Friend that I do gigs with, check. Semi-friend that looks like Santa and drinks too much whiskey, check. So I head to our table.

I’m not even two steps into the bar when some drunken bag of douche turns in his bar stool, glances at the book in my hand, and says “You read?”. Instantly hating this person I very sarcastically say, “Why, yes. I can read. Can you?” which was a mistake because it invited a response. I don’t remember what other snarky drunken shit he said because I ignored it and sat down. Unfortunately, I had to go near him again to get my beer. He asked if I was married as he was looking at my snake ring. I sigh. Somehow this was met with, “What are you, forty?” I went back to my seat with my drink but he was close enough to keep talking. I advised that he should stop drinking. He was obviously way beyond his limit. I was able to avoid the douche for awhile until my friends went out to smoke. “You are really a bitch. Why won’t you be my Facebook friend?” He took out a dirty “business” card and kept trying to hand it to me. I finally took it so he would quit trying to touch me. The douche’s name is Brailey (of course) and he is a tennis instructor.

A girl showed up and hugged Brailey from behind. I think it was his prospective girlfriend. Earlier Brailey was on the phone with her claiming he was hanging out with a bunch of friends and she should come by. Mind you this guy had been drinking alone for several hours. He was drinking so heavily that he would continually forget he still had a full drink in front of him and demanded another. With the girl there he was finally off my case but I still got the occasional unprovoked nasty comment thrown my way.

Suddenly the bar gets slammed with people like I’ve never seen at that time of day. It’s just Mike working behind the bar and obviously stress level is going up. The last thing you would want to deal with is the belligerent drunk who is now screaming at you. Mike hit his limit and cut Brailey off. Brailey says “Why, cause you’re bald?” So Mike told him to leave the bar. It escalated. Mike (who only weighs 7 pounds more than me) comes out from behind the bar through the crowd of people, physically grabs the douche from behind and throws him out the door. Brailey threw a punch and missed. Mike didn’t miss. The douche is laid out on his ass. The whole bar is watching. The barback comes running up and holds the door closed while Mike went back to work. Brailey is trying his best to pull the door open and get back in while his humiliated friend collecting their shit to leave.

When I see guys fighting I usually think they look like assholes but I’ve gotta tell ya, watching Mike take care of this guy was surprisingly hot.

After Mike’s shift he was telling me all the asshole things that I didn’t even hear. It made me wish I had hit the guy right when I walked in. Mike said one of the things that sucks about having to get physical like that as a bartender is that you know nothing about that person but they know where to find you. You never know if they will come back. Then it dawns on me, I have Brailey’s card.

For defending my honor and your own hairline I gift this card to you. Do with it as you please.

Things.

2011-05-31T11:29:00.001-04:00

It’s my birthday week. I will turn 28 on Thursday.

I spent Memorial Day weekend roller skating and cleaning my apartment.

I spent $50 at CVS on cleaning supplies. That’s how gross my apartment was.

This weekend I was told, “I think you are an idiot for not wanting to be with me.” Twice.

I bought a ticket to a Turkish bath this morning.

I’m feeling incredibly melancholy and I’m not sure if it’s the guilt of the ex or the birthday blues.

Hopefully my annual party in the park this Saturday will be as awesome as prior years.

Okay, that isn’t my party. That is an anti-war sit in. It’s in the same location though.

My day job got weird. Last week I found myself folding the underwear of a 15 year old girl.

Today I work on getting quotes for a woodworking project.

I dyed my eyelashes yesterday. I’ve never done that before and I probably risked blinding myself.

I’m always surrounded by people and yet I feel lonely.

The first waxing of the season is seriously painful.

I never did finish my tattoo design. I will though. Too bad I didn’t make the deadline.

Why can’t I find black flowers? I wanted to get myself a birthday flower but bodegas don’t carry my color.

I just got a craving for a cigar. If only I were a male advertising executive in the 1950’s. Then I would already be smoking one.

That is all.

I’m taking my blog back.

2011-05-23T12:18:00.004-04:00

Some friends and relatives of mine still read my blog and that is fantastic but I’ve realized that I definitely hold back on what I would like to post because I’m afraid of how they might take it. Well, I’m done now. I’m taking my blog back. It’s mine and it’s personal and I’m going to post about whatever the f*#$* I want. So, if you are one of those friends or relatives and you think this change might affect our relationship in the negative, you should probably stop reading now. Thanks.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

I have a lot of catching up to do here. In the past couple months I started Assistant Directing for The Trojan Women. It’s going really well and I think it will be amazing. I’m in rehearsal all the damn time. It’s awesome. In addition to that I’ve been singing in a terrible cover band. I get paid. That is awesome as well. A couple months back I realized I wanted to be single and broke it off with Sky. When he was coming back from tour I was a nervous wreck. Neither of us knew how seeing each other for the first time was going to play out. I was afraid he was going to be an asshole and pick a fight with me but he was shockingly understanding. It turned out to be fine and we are getting along. I’ve been seeing other people and I’m really enjoying the freedom. The strange thing about suddenly being single is that everyone is hitting on me. People I thought were innocent friends are declaring their long-time crushes on me and the other day two brothers in their 80’s were fighting over which one of their 57 year old sons would be a better match for me. What the hell? Now I remember why I keep ending up in relationships. It’s scary out there! It’s scary and I can’t keep myself out of trouble.

My birthday is coming up. I keep finding out that all my old friends aren’t coming. It’s a good thing I have so many new friends or I would be sitting in the park alone. The new friends may not know me as well but if they will show up then I will be loyal to them and return the favor. People really suck. Don’t they know you are supposed to cherish your friendships? Because especially in this city, it’s all we’ve got.

New Ink

2011-05-03T16:44:00.003-04:00

Tattoo ink that is.

Of course I'm not putting this on me. I'm not an artist and I would never allow something that it took me 8 seconds to draw to become a permanent part of my body.

That being said...

I'm in the market for a simplistic black rose to put on the back of my neck. I have a pretty good idea of what I want to happen and I need someone else to make it come to life for me. Surprisingly enough I don't currently have any friends that are tattoo artists. I need to work on that. So as soon as I get all that figured out I'm getting my rose. Don't worry mom. You'll learn to love it.

Getting new ink always seems to come for me at a time of big change. The significance of the rose will mean more to me personally than I could ever possibly explain here. I know Dana knows what I'm talking about. Perhaps I'll tell you more when I've actually got it on my skin.

There. Now I'm committed.

If any of you have suggestions I'm all ears. Nah, I take that back. Unless you're an amazingly badass artist like BSOB ...don't scare me out of this idea. Mooog, don't bother sending me a drawing of your man bits. I only accept pictures of the real thing. That goes for the rest of you too.

Totally Inappropriate

2011-04-29T17:18:00.002-04:00

I may be a total narcissist but I'm single and taking applications.

My Insanity Is Showing

2011-04-28T12:09:00.005-04:00

*Click to Enlarge*

FYI

Graphic signs of the Schizoid
Vigilant and tense handwriting
Extremely strong pressure
Angels
Arcades
Separation
Narrowness
Extremely wide spaces between words or identical to the spaces between letters
Covering strokes
Emphasized upper zone
Left of upright slant
Frozen
Tense strokes
High upper zone
Large or extreme height differentials
At times - a weak stroke
Secondary narrowness
Angular connections
Similar to the "autistic type" by Odem
Emphasize of the beginning
Rhythmic writing
Covering the whole page
Strange ending of letters
"Invented" letters
Twisted letters
Broken letters
Corrections, especially "artistic corrections"
Abundance of punctuation marks or lack of them
Slow writing
Peculiarities and exaggeration
Printed letters

Doesn't this apply to just about everybody? I personally enjoyed THIS SITE.

Maynard Gets Her Mane Cut (and you can too)

2011-04-18T11:44:00.007-04:00

I can’t believe how chaotic life has suddenly become. It’s just enough to keep me moving and loving it. This past weekend kicked off with a table read rehearsal for The Trojan Women. We talked mythology until our jaws went numb. Afterwards I went with some of the hot lady cast members to the pub where we drank and danced the hours away. Well, we didn’t really dance all that much.

I woke up on Saturday ante meridiem with music on the mind. I had to get downtown to rehearsal with a rock and roll cover band. There is something about being in the rehearsal studio with the full band blasting that gets my adrenaline pumped right out my vocal chords. I always leave in the absolute best mood.

After rehearsal I wandered into a salon to get my mane trimmed. It was out of control. My hair was so long that it was brushing my lower back. I told the woman to do whatever the hell she wanted. After cutting off six inches of hair she said “See, you have a clean line now. You used to have a whip!” Now that I think of it as a whip I miss it. I do think its funny/sad I can cut off six inches of hair and nobody notices the difference. They just ask if I got my hair lightened.

This is the before picture. On the right side it's darker but it reaches down to the B in Bud.

This is a terribly fuzzy photo of the after hair but it's the only one I've taken thus far. So deal with it.

Then I met up with a couple friends and enjoyed myself into the wee small hours of the morning.

Sunday I met a crew of lovely folk for bowling. I think I’ve been bowling all of twice in the past eight years and they were both within the last month. The first time I bowled under the name Anne BOWLeyn. I was terrible. I mean it was embarrassing. This time I thought perhaps I should use the name that won me a trophy the last time I was on a league. Oh yes, I was on a league. I was still a fetus at the time but they considered me a member and dubbed me MAYNARD. My fetus bowling name was indeed Maynard and we rocked that leagues filthy socks off. So, I put Maynard up on that board and guess what, I WON! Granted it’s not the best score ever. It’s not even my best. But I still won.

We finished up the day with karaoke and then I fell asleep. Sweet dreams. Not exactly, I was dreaming about some freak that was stalking me. All in a good weekend though, right kids? SIGH, Back to work!

Tree Fetish

2011-04-15T11:23:00.004-04:00

I’ve always had a big fascination with trees. They are intricate beings which always have a way of perplexing and inspiring me. Often times they can be quite calming which brings a favorite quote of mine to mind.

“Paradise is when nothing comes between the eye and the tree.” – Elie Wiesel

I always think of this quote as I’m lying on a beach admiring a palm tree with nothing but blue in the distance. It’s the perfect Corona commercial.

Living in New York I’m obviously not surrounded by an excess of nature. I go to the park when I can and enjoy the extra oxygen. One of my favorite things about my neighborhood on the Upper West Side is the trees lining the streets. I was walking up Broadway on my way home from work yesterday and finally we had some sun shining through the buildings. With the filthy city rain finally cleared up I was able to look up and see the blooming trees just starting to feel the light hit them.

I’m a very busy girl so I only stopped to enjoy the beauty of the season long enough to snap a quick shot with my Droid. Then I pranced off to the bar where I belong. My breed isn’t allowed to stay in the light too long you know. We are night dwellers. Even at night those fresh blooms look amazing in the street lights. My spirits are lifted.

The Gutter

2011-04-07T11:30:00.004-04:00

My mind is wasted. I mean, I think it might be drunk. Or perhaps I just have ADD. I have been having a major problem with distraction in every single part of my day and I’ve got to be honest with you, most of the time my mind is in the gutter. Am I the only person with this problem? I can’t possibly be.

While I’m at work I go through my tasks of the morning and chat with my coworkers while brewing a pot of coffee. I try to work quickly and efficiently but as soon as I’m quietly working at my desk my mind wanders off to thoughts of past encounters. Thankfully I can do this while still working until my boss walks up and asks a question. Something about him makes you feel guilty for not being the purist soul on the planet and although he couldn’t possibly know I fear he will somehow see it on my face.

After work while I’m at the bar or elsewhere with friends I’ve noticed I go silent and stare at the wall if they are boring me. I know that sounds terrible but sometimes people you see on a regular basis start talking about things with each other that you have no desire to contribute to. Like baseball. So my mind wanders off to thoughts of things to try. Then I get a nudge from someone and a “you, okay?” and I realize I might have a problem. Luckily most of them already know my soul is dark and dirty so that isn’t a shocker to anyone.

Then I go home and watch constant episodes of “The Golden Girls” because “Frasier” became too distracting after I developed a crush on Kelsey Grammer. God help Betty White! I’m kidding I’m kidding, calm down. She is pretty hot for a 90 year old woman though.

Whoa, anyway…. Like I said I’ve been having this problem with distraction and I’m wondering if anyone knows what I can do about it.

Bruce Dickinson: Guess what… I got a fever! And the only prescription.. is more cowbell!

Is your heart broken?

2011-03-29T13:18:00.003-04:00

I’m not talking about your damn feelings. I want to know if you have had your ticker checked recently. Chest pain? Palpitations? Get to the f’ing doctor! Especially since you cosmically know me in some way. I’m starting to feel like the beacon of all heart pain and I mean that in addition to your damn feelings. I’m sure you all know people with these problems but come on, I’m in my twenties. This is ridiculous. Within the past week I’ve had two friends in the emergency room with heart issues. They are both way too young for that to be even close to normal. Neither of them are drug users so you can cross that right off your list of excuses. My mom was just telling me the other day that my crazy uncle called her in the middle of the night saying he thought he was having a heart attack but didn’t want to call an ambulance. What the hell? Call the damn ambulance! You live across the country. What in the hell is your sister going to do to help you? CPR doesn’t work over the phone. On the upside of this everybody has been fine. Just make sure you go to the doctor. I’m a little afraid that every time I start having an anxiety attack and my heart is beating out of my chest I’m going to convince myself I’m having a heart attack. Like I needed one more thing on my list of crazy. Thanks a lot universe.

Love me like a song.

2011-03-23T14:44:00.004-04:00

The most flattering thing happened to me today. A friend and old lover that I haven’t seen in several years was chatting with me via instant message. I don’t quite remember how it came about but he informed me that a song on his last CD was about me. Granted this was recorded four years ago but still it surprised me because he had never mentioned it before. I, of course, wanted to hear it immediately and since I don’t have itunes at work I had to search sites for a sound bite. It was ten minutes of absolutely gorgeous and creative jazz bliss. I’m still blushing that anyone could possibly hear that and think of me. I only wish I had known then.

This isn’t the first time someone wrote/composed a song about me. I’ve dated more than a few musicians and some of them might be a little bitter. Some just share too much. I remember going to see an ex’s band at a big venue and standing with his current girlfriend watching her sing along to a song about our sex life. That was strange.

I used to beg Sky not to write a song about me because I was afraid of what he would say. Some of his stuff is hilarious but other pieces force me to wonder who they are about. He claims nobody. I have a hard time believing that. I remember he told me once that usually when he was dating someone they would keep asking for him to write a song. That’s a lot of pressure. Plus if it was any good he would be performing it at his gigs and all your friends would know. It seems so personal and yet you share it with everyone. See, this is why I don’t write my own music. I’m incapable of sharing my emotions.

Still, I’m so completely flattered.

I'm Baaaaaaack

2011-03-09T11:43:00.009-05:00

Hola!
Buenos Dias.

I'm tan and happy and had an awesome vacation full of free drinks at the swim up bar. The water was perfect and so was the company. I drunkenly sang at a couple of places with bands that didn't speak English. It was amazing. You should have been there.

I want to thank my mother for making me go on this vacation as well as buying me the bathing suite in the photo above. She also was kind enough to humor me and take some photos of me in the water so I could post them here for all of you. I personally think this action shot is hilarious.

She also took this gorgeous shot of the sunset.

It was odd sharing a room with my mother and brother when I'm used to living alone. We worked it out though. See, my brother loves me.

This photo of us is particularly hilarious because if you knew us you would know we aren't a touchy family. We don't hug or get near each other. Obviously this happened after a day of serious cocktail imbibing and I'm violently grabbing and shoving his face toward the camera. He never smiles. Actually, we made friends with that guy in the background and he told us that their group knew my brother as "The Angry Smoker" because he always looks pissed. Adorable, isn't it?

Some lovely person in our group talked us into taking a family picture and shockingly I think it turned out well. I'm betting this will be framed next time I visit the hometown.

The absolute craziest part about this vacation is that when I got home and got on the scale I found out I actually LOST weight while I was eating fatty buffet food all week. How in the hell did that happen? I guess Jet Skiing and that five minutes of water aerobics really worked out.

So as you can probably tell, I had an okay time. My mood has drastically improved. I did a lot of soul searching that made me realize I've got options and I'm a lucky girl.

Adios Muchachos!

See Ya Suckers!

2011-02-27T05:17:00.001-05:00

I forget to mention....I'm leaving for Mexico. Right now. Im actually posting this from my Droid while I wait to board the plane. So I wont be around to harass you for the next seven days. It will be hard for you I know but Ill make up for it by posting pictures. Maybe of babes in bikinis...we shall see. Okay gotta run!

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

What happened last night?

2011-02-23T10:02:00.001-05:00

I woke up at 6:30 in the morning and couldn’t force myself to sleep anymore. I had crazy dreams all night long. I was under investigation for a murder and apparently the person murdered had been stalking me but I had no idea. On top of all that my teeth were falling apart! It was so detailed and intricate. I could write a movie script. My imagination is capable of scaring the shit out of me and it does so frequently. When I checked my Facebook account I had a whole bunch of status updates in my feed about people having strange dreams last night. Guess I’m not alone.

It’s my Blogiversary!

2011-02-16T17:04:00.006-05:00

Four magical years ago on 2/16/07 I appeared in blog land and proceeded to share my torturous ways with each of you. Looking back now I realize I’ve maintained a pretty solid level of sarcasm, depression, and obnoxiousness. Even on day one I started with over sharing my entire life story. Oh, and I briefly pretended this would be a blog about jazz artists. That was so damn boring I went unconscious writing it. Instead, I have made it my personal therapy lounge and memory keeper.

This is me when I started blogging.

This is me now.

So what happened to me in such a short span of time?

Well, I started the blog 23 and newly single. I was working in the advertising field and was generally doing well. Exactly one month later I was posting about my first seizure. Will it be a seizure blog?

One year later I was seriously obsessed with blogging. I was back with my ex and we had a trip planned to the Bahamas. I still worked in the evil empire of advertising. The epilepsy is still the only health issue and life was pretty good.

Two years later TO THE DAY my boyfriend was having major surgery on his back. It was scary and I was in a bad place mentally. You can tell by my posts. A short time later we broke up. Yes, I understand that makes me a horrible human being but I promise it had nothing to do with his back. Within a week I was laid off from my job. Nice one, KARMA! I kind of went into hiding and wasn’t heard from much in 2009.

Three years later I’m starting to notice the trend that I always get very depressed in February. I had a lovely new boyfriend. I was unemployed. I was doing a lot of drinking by myself. I know at some point in the year I was working at a theater with my boyfriend and doing a lot of creative stuff but I can’t find any proof I wrote about it. I’m starting to wonder if any of that really happened….or am I losing my mind?

TODAY- Four years have gone by. I’m doing a long term temp gig and generally like the atmosphere. My boyfriend is on tour doing children’s theater and I won’t see him for four months. (Seriously, no sex for four months. What did I do to deserve this cruel punishment from the universe?) I still have epilepsy but it took this long to finally come to terms with it and I’m lucky that I had my blog as an outlet. I met several people that were willing to talk with me about their own personal battles and it helped a lot. I feel like I lost touch with many close friends over that time. I made new friends. It doesn’t make up for it. I kinda became a bit of a nudist. Just seeing if you are still paying attention. I sang a lot. A whole lot. But never enough.

Now I wish I had something to aim for next year. I need something to keep me going. But what?

Sheesh, I’m depressing. Happy Anniversary to my blog and to all of you that hang out around here on occasion.

Depressed Again

2011-01-31T14:37:00.003-05:00

I am in such a foul mood today. I know that is usually the norm for people on a Monday but man I am pissy. I think it’s a multitude of things sucking all at once that really made this happen but I am going to blame it on this little thing called My Gratitude Journal. (This journal was given to everyone at my office by the boss.)

I especially hate My Gratitude Journal today because it makes me feel like shit. Each day I get a little daily quote of nonsense from some woman I’ve never heard of. Then I’m supposed to write out what it means to me. Every single day I get nonsense like “Plan purposefully, prepare prayerfully, proceed positively, pursue persistently.” Followed by, “What does this mean to you?” I think it means somebody gets off on alliteration. In total you just said a bunch of words and left it to me to make the actual positive statement or thought out of it. I’m not planning for anything so how in the hell can I do it purposefully? I’ve got nothing in life to prepare for so now what? I can’t proceed positively because you just depressed the shit out of me. I have a lot of crap to deal with right now. Give me a break.

Finally after that hell I flip to the next page and they make me fill in a personal goal of the day as well as a work goal of the day. Somehow I can never accomplish even the simplest goal. It takes me two extra days. It’s frustrating because when I look back on why it didn’t work out it’s because something urgent came up or I couldn’t get the sign-off. I feel like I will never catch up. I will never be ahead of the game. Things will never work out as planned.

Now write out ten things you are grateful for.

It’s the only saving point.

At least I know “I am loved”. Even if I can only fill out that one, I’ll make it through today.

Religion - It's not for Children

2011-01-26T11:11:00.002-05:00

Sometimes I like to share.

The B Theory

2011-01-18T14:59:00.005-05:00

Sunday night I was in a cab with two of my friends as we headed to our apartments after a long day of playing poker. As we chatted a strange conversation came up where one of the friends says “You’ve never heard of the B theory?” At least I think that is what he was calling it. Neither of us were familiar. Apparently the B theory applies to people that you would be interested in sleeping with just once under the terms that it was never mentioned ever again or you never had to see the person ever again. This would be guaranteed. So theoretically, who would be on your list? Close friends? Somebody you don’t like all that much as a person but you think might be amazing in the sack? Your boss? Go ahead and think about it.

*Insert Jeopardy Music – Funkafied for Sex Appeal*

So I thought about it. At first it seemed kind of like a funny idea. This is of course assuming that you are not cheating on anyone and it’s all in good safe fun. I went along with it and tried to think of someone.

That night I had nightmares.

I know it had something to do with the B theory so new and fresh in my mind. That night I had some horrible dream where I was at some sort of class reunion and apparently I went to school at Bayside High because the old classmate I was getting frisky with was Mario Lopez.

AHHHHHHH! I am not a fan of that pretty boy. It got weirder in a suddenly I’m naked in a room full of people sort of way. I woke up feeling a little nauseous and very upset with myself over my lack of taste in personality and overall indiscretion. Turns out the B theory is not for me.

But still, if you could……do you have a name on that list?

It’s 2011 Bitches!

2011-01-03T16:59:00.003-05:00

I’m supposed to make some sort of list of ways to better my life or something, right? Why don’t I just compare it to prior years and see if I’m doing better or worse.

I thought I would look back through my little ol’ blog here and see if I made resolutions in the past. It seems I was too depressed to blog around this time last year but I did have a little something for 2009. Let’s take a gander.

My resolutions for 2009 (to be promptly forgotten by 1:05 am) are the following:
1) Find work in life that makes me happy.

2) Stop having seizures...somehow.

3) Replace the lack of drinking with even more sex. (Casey, this is your job. Oh, and apologies to any of Casey's family members that read this and may be traumatized.)

4) Meet a blogger. Anyone want to help me out with this one?

5) Continue having a wonderful life full of great family, friends, and bloggers that brighten it up.

Where the 2009 resolutions stand in 2011:
1) I have a temp job that I kind of like. I don’t fantasize about stabbing people nearly as much as I used to.

2) This seizure thing is not getting better. I just had one the morning of Dec 31st and I had to get on a plane back to New York that afternoon. I certainly didn’t party hard bringing in 2011 that night. I felt bad for my father who had never been around for one before. I know I don’t look or act like myself afterwards and I think I scared him when I wandered into his room and asked for help.

3) Why was there a lack of drinking in 09? What was I thinking? I’m indulging in both acts now although Casey isn’t involved. It seems sleeping with your ex when you are both dating new people would be frowned upon. I looked it up.

4) I met a blogger! It was only about a month ago that I met my first blog friend. Ben is an awesome (and hot) guy. He just moved to the area so hopefully I will be seeing more of him.

5) I failed at the blogger part last year but I’m back on track this year. CHECK.

Should I add some?

1) Continue working on my overall health. That seems like a good, vague choice. That can mean working out while eating sensible food and not doing massive amounts of drugs that will give me diseases and kill me. I’ll try that.
Eh, one is good enough.

Oh, take more nude photos. That will go on the list just as soon as I start taking better care of myself.

Happy New Year Skanks!

Ass For Christmas

2010-12-17T10:53:00.007-05:00

My New Favorite Christmas Video.

Double click to see the large version.

Some of you might have figured out already that this is my boyfriend. Creepy, I know. Neil and Sky have been a songwriting duo for several years. It’s about damn time they made this into a video. I’m very proud. Please feel free to share this with your family for the holidays. Maybe grandma needs to ask Santa for ass as well. You never know.

How did I ever survive?

2010-12-15T16:53:00.003-05:00

I’ve got this awesome thing called a Droid and it’s basically like having God in my pocket. I don’t remember life before this gadget existed. Can you remember life before you learned to walk? It is my phone, alarm, calendar, internet provider, e-mail, mini ipod, camera, map, event reminder, flashlight, and GPS. I am not able to function without it. Okay, I can but life is significantly more difficult without it and I lose a lot of valuable time.

Today as I nuzzled my little pocket god and tickled the touch screen looking for an address, I suddenly thought of a time when I carried a map in my purse. When I first moved to this city I didn’t know my way around at all. For a ridiculously long time I had a hard time figuring out which way was north. I didn’t know where to find anything (groceries, hardware stores, drugs) so I would just wander and hope I would run into something. I was eighteen in the city by myself with no computer, Internet, TV, calendar, E-mail, Ipod, camera, or friends. I did, however, have a map that couldn’t help me find north. NOW I’ve got friends in low places AND a pocket god.

Do you have any sort of mind blowing technology that has changed your life forever? Perhaps it was the Toast Saber or Lite Brite or this usb powered Shaking Ass. Give me your knowledge oh technically enabled one.
Amen.

The Tree

2010-12-06T00:51:00.004-05:00

I finally got all of my decorations up this year. It took awhile but I feel much better now that it's done. Of course I wanted to share all my hard work and holiday cheer with with you. So here it is...........

Yup, that's pretty much it. I broke out those sharpies and a long three minutes later it was time to spike the eggnog. Here is a photo to give a better perspective of how the tree lights up the apartment.

Beautiful. I can't help it. The holiday spirit picks me up and carries me away. For three minutes.

Monkeys and Goobers - Probably NSFW

2010-11-29T13:13:00.003-05:00

You think your family is strange? Arguing and getting drunk is just the normal family way of saying I tolerate you for the holidays. That doesn’t make your family crazy. I’m going to be realistic. I don’t think my family is crazy. I think they are gross.

I spent the holidays with my family hearing stories about monkeys and goobers. Sound silly? Well maybe it is. Here is a story example: Apparently sometime recently my ten year old cousin was playing a game of Would You Rather with my mom, grandmother, and aunt. This is just a fun little car game to pass the time and keep the kid occupied. So the question comes up “Would you rather kiss a monkey or….” Nobody can quite remember the end of it because my grandmother and aunt get so “tickled” they can’t stop laughing. You see, my grandmother is from Alabama and when she was growing up they used different words for things they didn’t want to say. She then used some of those same words when raising her own children. So basically my ten year old cousin asked my mother “Would you rather kiss a vagina or……” and that is all they remember. Monkeys have such soft lips. So we went on talking about monkeys and their male counterpart “goobers” for a while. My mother mentioned the horror she felt of people saying they hacked up a goober from their throat.

Well anyway, then my grandmother is trying to tell me and my mother that bathing is better for your monkey as opposed to showering. Some hundred year old doctor told my grandmother that bathing is better for “cleaning her out”. I’m sorry but if your monkey is sucking up water like a straw, something is wrong. I mean, it might be a cool party trick but grandma doesn’t have the aim she used to.

I apologize. That was disturbing. Sharing with you all has become my therapy so you will have to experience the pain too. There were many other stories along these lines including my grandmother asking very seriously as I put on my bra if I got a boob job. (Side note: Why does everyone ask this? I mean, if I were spending money on my chest I would have gone MUCH bigger.) Oh, I was sharing a hotel room with mom and grandma. That is why my grandmother was witnessing me put on my bra. She then became abusively insistent that my mom needs an “Oprah Bra”. WTF is an “Oprah Bra?” If grandma said it I probably don’t need to know. She also mentioned at random that my now dead grandfather “ripped her crack”. AGH! Holy Broken Butt Cheeks Grandma! Keep those sexy tidbits to yourself!

Perhaps I should stop now. I have so much more to share but I won’t do that to you ya little goobers. Just remember this holiday season that it’s important to share and reminisce with your family. Get personal. Really get to know the ones you love. A disturbed and perverted family is a happy family. I love them all. Bottoms Up!

Covered in Welts

2010-11-18T12:20:00.000-05:00

It has been an entertaining week thus far. I don’t remember Monday at all so I assume I had an amazing time. Tuesday night my office held a seminar for wealthy weird old people so that they might save money on taxes. A lot of these wealthy people are a huge pain in my freakin’ ass. Over privileged asshats. It’s a wonder I don’t slap them. I made it through okay only because we had a ridiculous amount of wine and cheese. I slept like a drunken baby that night. We all know drunken babies are adorable.

Last night I shot a bunch of people. I went paintballing with a large group of friends at an indoor field. I was a virgin. This was all the more entertaining because the creamy reddish white paintballs made you look like you just stepped out of a horrifying orgy when the game was done. We were in a small space and there were a lot of us so you got hit A LOT. 150 mph paintballs would hit you in the face (covered by a mask) chest, arms, and legs. My friend had one ricochet up into her mask and break in her mouth. I shot her boyfriend in the neck and it bled. I have welts on my inner thigh and ass. It was AWESOME! Three hours of this passed like fifteen minutes. If my daily workout could be shooting people I would be a pro.

Now I guess I have to start thinking about Thanksgiving. I usually make sangria for everyone. Here is my recipe for extremely intoxicating wine juice.
One Bottle or Jug of a Rich Red Wine (Cheap)
3 cups or One Bottle of White Rum (Add the amount that best suits you and your hangover needs.)
½ Cup of Sugar (Powdered or Regular It Doesn’t Matter)
1 Orange – 1 Lemon – 1 Lime – Other Fruit You Like to add like Apples or Whatever Crazy stuff you are into.
Directions: Add the rum to a bowl or container or whatever the hell it fits in. Mix in the sugar. Slice up all your fruit and toss it in with the sugar rum. Leave it in the fridge overnight. That last step might be hard for some of you because who can leave a large amount of fruity sugar rum in the fridge all night without drinking it? I have found that drinking other things while you prepare helps you pass out and not touch the rum until morning. Good luck. The very last step is for when you are ready to serve. Just mix your rum fantasy with your bottle/ jug of wine and stir well. I promise you will have a happy holiday and a lovely nap.

Holiday Gig

2010-11-11T09:52:00.002-05:00

Do you know anyone that needs a Holiday band for their office party? Oh yes, it's already that time of year folks. Start planning out your xmas gifts and using Santa as a threat to the kiddies.

I can't type the name of the band here because I don't want any booking agents associating me with my blog and not my bio. Instead I'm going to post a little sound bite we threw together for our electronic mailings. I feel obligated to let you know what I'm up to every now and then. Plus, Gary asked nicely.

GET IN THE f'n SPIRIT ALREADY!

Why?

2010-11-08T13:08:00.004-05:00

Jay asked me (well, everyone) why I blog and then listed a whole bunch of really good reasons so that I wouldn’t have to think too hard. I decided that it’s to avoid paying for therapy. I want to take this moment to thank you all for being a part of my group therapy sessions. I’ve worked through a lot and all you had to do was comment every now and again about nothing in particular. I really feel that I’ve grown as a person and each of you almost have something to do with that. Almost.

I told Sky to go to his own home Friday and got the whole weekend to myself! What did I do alone in my apartment over the weekend? Clean. I feel so much better. Cleanliness is next to happiness is what I always say. Don’t worry, I’ve never said that. I don’t like cleaning things, I just like it to be clean and I can’t afford cleaning people to do it for me. I also realized I have a weird little quirk and I wonder if others have the same thing. If I have been cleaning anything, not organizing but cleaning, I have to take a shower immediately after. It’s not like I actually got dirty in the process but even running the vacuum means I have to take a shower. I might have problems.

I sang during a friends show at a bar last night. It was a last minute thing but very fun. Then a crazy old red headed guy dressed in full Jets attire insisted on walking me home. Normally I would be worried but he was nice and smaller and weaker than me. He proposed to me. How is it that the strangest human being at the bar will always seek me out? I’ve gotten so many proposals from strange old men in my days I can’t even begin to count. What in the hell is that about?

Sending The Message

2010-11-04T12:33:00.006-04:00

My lover Sky is an awesome guy. We rule countries together (at Medieval Times in New Jersey) as you can see in the photo above. Don't we look evil? We are. Anyway, I love Sky very much. We have been together for something like a year and change, I think. During this time we have both been unemployed off and on, seriously broke, sick, happy, performing, amazing. He has also been pretty much homeless for a few months in there. It became convenient for him to slowly move his shit into my apartment. Then it was convenient that he was staying there every night. Sooner or later I realized, WTF? You are living with me! I don't remember agreeing to that.

Now you see, I have crazy expensive rent because I live in an awesome neighborhood. It's also the smallest studio apartment you could ever imagine. I posted a video tour of it once. I barely have room for me and my stuff let alone a whole other person. So I never let Sky move his stuff out of his brother's place and storage into my place. Therefore, he doesn't pay any rent. This whole arrangement was fine with me because we both have been having a hard time.

The situation has changed.

Sky's wonderful lovely brother has an apartment in Queens which is about 45 minutes on the subway from me. He has a nice two bedroom with a kitchen and living room. It sounds like a palace! The old roommate ran home to Texas so Sky moved all his stuff in and finally has a real home. I'm thrilled for him. So why isn't he staying there? GET OUT OF MY APARTMENT SKY! I want my own damn space back! I want to put everything back where it belongs. I want to be there watching what I want on TV and listening to my music. I want it to look the same as it did when I left when I come home. I miss living alone! I'm begging you. Go away. Not all the time. Not forever. Just rewind this whole thing about a year and we will be back on track. I'm telling you, I will love you more if you GET OUT.

It’s the day of the vote yall.

2010-11-02T11:19:00.002-04:00

It’s that time of year when YOU get to force your beliefs and opinions on everyone around you by silently voting anomalously in a closed booth. Oh the POWER! I finally feel like someone is listening to me! Actually, it feels a little more like shouting in a room full of shouters and whichever contestant gets the loudest shouts wins. Somehow my shout doesn’t seem to count for much. Oh well. I still have to show up or I don’t get bitching privileges later, right? Isn’t that how it works?

On a far more important topic, what should I make for dinner tonight?

*The voices in my head won’t stop screaming.*

Happy Halloween Freaks!

2010-10-31T18:13:00.003-04:00

What's that scent?

2010-10-26T16:03:00.003-04:00

Are you familiar with Pheromones? I use this word all the time so I consider myself very familiar with acceptable uses, which is why I was a little confused when I noticed my boss scribbling it down as an activity on his to do list.

pher·o·mone
/ˈfɛrəˌmoʊn/ Show Spelled[fer-uh-mohn] Show IPA
–noun Animal Behavior .
any chemical substance released by an animal that serves to influence the physiology or behavior of other members of the same species.

Knight - "Um, did you just write down Pheromones?"

Boss - "Oh yeah, you know that word? The dentist said it and we didn't know what it meant."

Knight - "Really? Your son's dentist found a way to fit pheromones into the visit?"

It had something to do with the dentist wanting to meet face to face so he uses the term phermonaly. I don't think that word exists. Even if it did I think it's a really odd choice of wording to use in a dentist/ young boy relationship. My confused boss was going to add this fake word to his vocabulary when scheduling meetings with clients. I suggested that might be a bad idea.

I was annoyed when he decided to assume that I didn't know the correct use of the word and that the doctor was using it correctly. I walked back to my desk and did the research. Within two minutes I had the dictionary and wikipedia pages printed out and on his desk. Guess I'm a little brighter when it comes to pheromones. That's probably because I know how to use mine. Oh, and just because someone is a doctor it doesn't mean they know what they are talking about. Always do your own research.

By the way, I use my pheromones to establish territory so watch out.

Cause you're there for me too...

2010-10-22T13:06:00.004-04:00

So, no one told you life was gonna be this way....(clap,clap,clap,clap).

And that's about all I remember from this show. Why do I care? Usually I wouldn't but for some crazy reason I agreed to attend F.R.I.E.N.D.S trivia night tonight because the lovely ladies hosting it promised me wine and cheese. I guess if I want to be a girl I have to learn things like this. I doubt my Monty Python trivia and fondue party will ever come to fruition if it's all female.
I've been thinking about the ten years this show was on air and why I can remember certain things from early on but have no idea what happened to the characters by the end of the decade. I figure it must be that when it started in 1994 I was eleven years old and still watching network television while pretending to do my homework. I think it was the next year that my grandmother gave me the ever so popular Rachel haircut. I looked hot. Wait, I was twelve. I guess I looked "cute". Nope, it was hot. Anyway, by the time the final season aired I was turning 21 and had better people er, I mean things.... to do. You know, like drink and go to work. Now I find myself amongst herds of females with a plethora of knowledge about a show that aired for a decade and I can't even remember the names of the main actors. How can I compete?

I guess I'm screwed. Do any of you have any tips for me? What happened to that monkey they used to have? Does Rachel end up with Brad Pitt? Where can I find an apartment like that in Manhattan?

Most important of all, who am I selling my soul to? NBC?

Happy Spirit Day

2010-10-20T14:32:00.003-04:00

Do you have your purple on?

Hey There Crazy!

2010-10-11T10:45:00.004-04:00

I’m sorry tall semi-attractive black man on the subway, are you talking to me? I can see that you are wildly gesturing at me and very heatedly speaking non-stop but I can’t hear you over the breaks screeching. It’s 9am on Monday and I’m on my way to work so usually I avoid making eye contact with people but you seem so excited to fill me in on some sort of news. What’s that? Oh, you are God? That is interesting! Are you sure you’re God or have you just used a little too much crack in your time? I’m sorry, did I just hear you call that kid a very derogatory term? Sure he is dressed a little flamboyantly but I don’t think God says things like that to innocent people on the subway. You are right; I don’t understand you and I never will because you have serious difficulties with sentence structure. Please don’t get closer to me. Oh, you are Native American? I killed you? The hand gesture gun at my head is a little amusing but mostly scary. You might have a real gun in those gigantic pants and I would rather not see it. Now you are just talking gibberish and I can’t tell if you are threatening me or trying to inform me of something you think is important. Oh no, I’m so SORRY God but this is my train stop. Let’s continue this conversation another time. Will you still be this crazy say tomorrow morning around 9am? Great, see you then.

Life as a crazy magnet in New York is so thrilling!

Follower

2010-10-07T11:00:00.001-04:00

I’m a follower. In the most literal sense of the word, that is. All my life if someone knew where we were going I would just blindly follow them or sit in the car paying no attention as to where I was. This, of course, made me absolutely terrible at understanding directions or finding my way anywhere. I never remember where anything is. I’m not even sure I could find my way back to my old high school without getting lost. I went to that place every day for four f*$#ing years and I can’t remember my route? That’s pathetic.

I’ve been living in Manhattan for almost a decade now. I know my way around just fine in the city. Sometimes when you get out of the subway it’s a little confusing because you are not sure which way is north but you figure it out fast enough. Last night I was in a section of town that I knew fairly well. I found my way to the thrift shop sale and met up with friends. As soon as I met friends they were in charge and within minutes I no longer knew where we were. I don’t pay attention to which direction we are going or street signs or anything. This would be a really easy way to go about murdering me.

I know people say it’s a stereotypical thing that women are bad at directions but it’s not the directions part I’m bad at. It’s giving a shit that I’m bad at. If you know where we are going and I trust that you do then I can’t be bothered to pay attention. Does anyone else have this problem? Can you tell me where the closest train is? Thank Jebus for this map application on my phone or I would never find my way to the bar.

A Trip To The Diner

2010-09-23T20:07:00.003-04:00

I was sitting at the local diner with Sky having a really shitty breakfast at 1pm. The old man next to us has been talking non-stop to the younger woman across the table since the dawn of time. I'm thinking perhaps she is deaf because I can't tell if she is even aware he is still rambling. I'm usually pretty good at blocking out other people but fairly quickly I realized both Sky and myself were totally silent and engrossed in what this man was talking about. He covered an array of topics with intense passion and commitment. You couldn't help eavesdropping. After all, he is only a foot away from me. So he says something about youth and how young people don't talk to their ancestors about history and how they could learn something from it. Possibly stop making the same mistakes. But the kids aren't interested. So I chimed in,

"Well, WE are interested!"

Whoa.

He turned to me and peered at me with his one working eye as it started to tear up and began a beautiful one person conversation that lasted for the next three hours. Oh yes. Three hours.

Turns out the younger woman across the table was his new wife. They just got married last year. He told us all about his abusive parents that raped him as a child and how he was autistic for 34 years and could barley move. He told us a lot about Winnicott whom he obviously adores. He is Jewish but kept saying he didn't believe in a God that could do the things that have happened to so many humans. Then he spoke of the Holocaust and the rape his wife endured in her prior marriage. He spoke of many religions and ideas and countries and people. He spoke of philosophers. He spoke quickly. I couldn't absorb it all.

Okay this is what I'm getting at. I walked into this diner expecting same old same old and ignoring what I assumed was a crazy old man. I ended up having an amazing eye and ear opening experience with enough information to count as an entire college course. Maybe you should consider having a long talk with someone in their eighties or nineties. I bet they could teach you something. Oh, and don't lose the chance to collect the stories of your family history because as my new friend said "when it's gone, it's gone" and lost forever.

Aren't you hungry for diner food now?

When did I get old?

2010-09-12T00:42:00.002-04:00

I have friends from many walks of life. Different ages, races, religions, and species make up my facebook friend page. Even with this being the case I've come to realize that the majority of my close friends are older than me. Why? Recently I keep finding myself in situations with friends of friends that are in their early twenties. I was trying to figure out why I usually like the people but they can quickly get on my nerves. Am I just a crotchety, cranky old person? Am I ageist? Does their youth offend me? Now that I'm so aware of it I'm sure people must feel this way about me as well. It makes me overly conscious of the level of maturity I'm projecting even while hanging out at the bar. How can this be when I'm still young?

Last night I was out with, well, a bunch of people throughout the course of the night. Earlier on and up until about 1am I was with some of my favorite people alive. I probably drank a little too much vodka and whisky at the drag show before moving on the the late night group but that can't be the whole reason I'm cranky and old. I met up with a person that is becoming a good friend and two younger girls that I don't know very well but usually enjoy. I had a very good time when the numbers were low. We played a little pool and danced a bit. Then we went to an all night cafe where another two young girls (friends of our friends) worked and suddenly I was annoyed. Too much youth. Annoying conversation. I got bitchy. At the time I didn't think it was an age thing. I just thought everyone was obnoxious. It was later when I was trying to explain my discomfort to my boyfriend that he pointed out I'm older than them and therefore, don't enjoy the same "fun" things. I still don't know what that comment means. So basically this is the first time in my life where I was told to my face that I'm not young anymore. It sucked. I have found a way to deal with it though! I have decided to get rid of all people in my life that know and associate with people younger than me. That way I am eternally youthful and never have to worry about this again. I think this also means I have to get rid of my boyfriend. He shouldn't have called me old.

Okay, I won't be that extreme but thanks for letting me vent.

I might regret sharing this.

2010-08-23T21:34:00.004-04:00

I wasn't going to share this with you because I'm not overly proud of it but then Dana went and talked about being all honest and stuff so .... here it goes.

Last month I was singing for my mom's birthday. It was something like three to four hours long. In that time someone (my mother) happened to catch a little footage. Because I always talk about singing and crap I figure I'm obligated to share this with all of you.

The song is Peel Me A Grape. I couldn't remember all the words so when it looks like my eyes are closed I was actually trying to read my sheet music set up next to me. If I sang with my eyes closed all the time I would probably fall over. I still fall over but it's usually because I had one drink too many. Anyway, it was a fun party. I was glad I had the chance to sing for my grandparents again. It had only been about a decade or so.

I hope it wasn't too painful for you and if it was... Bite Me.

Thanks for listening!

Hmmmmm......

2010-08-23T01:36:00.003-04:00

My computer is a little bitch and doesn't turn on most of the time. I beat her profusely and still she refuses to obey. Because of her disobedience my life has been hard to chronicle and share with you. As you may know by now, I have little to no memory and forget what I did just an hour ago. That might be an exaggeration but it certainly is hard to keep track of things when you don't have much order to your life. So let's see what you might have missed.... hmmm.....

Last weekend I went camping in the Poconos with some friends. We spent one day White Water Rafting in the freezing rain. It was awesome and miserable. It rained that whole night at the campsite which made our raging campfire smoke even more. I invented the SMOKEBAG to protect my precious eyes. Basically I wore my hooded plastic poncho backwards. Yes, it is hard to breath with plastic covering your face. I was sharing a tent with a really gorgeous chick and her wet dog. As hot as that might sound I can assure you it wasn't. We did giggle like schoolgirls at the sound of our friends getting it on a few tents away. It was like Girl Scouts all over again. Hmmmm....

Last week Sky surprised me by telling me to be at a certain location by 5:30 and when I arrived they informed me he got me an aromatherapy manicure and pedicure. He isn't really the type to do this sort of thing so it really shocked me. How sweet right? Now I must wonder what he did wrong. Hmmmm....

I think I did lots of other things this week but they must have been comparatively insignificant. So what do we have to look forward to in the week to come? Let's check the calendar. Selling more collagen and the annual Pap Smear. Hmmmm...

My New Dream

2010-08-09T02:18:00.003-04:00

I have a dream. A wonderful dream blog friends. And you are in it and you are in it and yes, even you! A couple nights ago, in a mildly drunken stupor, I stumbled upon a brilliant idea. It is my new life dream and all I need to make it happen is a motercycle, a video camera, and your address.

Here I am preparing for the voyage.

You see, I just want to meet you all so much that I would like to take this blog on the road. The biggest hurdle (other than the fact that I will never have the money to accomplish this) would be convincing you that it's safe to meet me. It is, I promise. I've already come up with date ideas for us! For instance, I could bike down to Arkansas and hit up all the best strip clubs with Jay. Then go to Bagwine for a pub crawl. Perhaps I could get Dianne to attend a Brooklyn Burlesque show with me. Then off to to the south for a FULL glass of wine with Farmer's Wife. She doesn't just taste test you know. I have to catch one of Gary's open studios and then flirt with his neighbor and my long time crush Ben. I have ideas for everybody! Now, don't you think this would be an interesting voyage to follow via video? Hell, you can get a motercycle too and join me. We can become a blogger motercycle gang.

Or maybe I'm dreaming too big.
*sigh* If only. If only dreams really did come true.

I WAS ATTACKED....

2010-08-05T15:03:00.004-04:00

BY ELVES! Well okay, maybe I was attacked by myself. Yesterday I was using the tiny knife on the wine opener to cut some cardboard and I stabbed it right into my hand. Turns out even with my bad circulation I have lots of blood flowing between my thumb and pointer finger. That little thing gushed all the way across the room and even hit the mirror hung six feet in the air. The cut really wasn't all that bad but the amount of blood scared the hell out of me. In my panic I started calling people in an effort to be told what to do. I was holding a towel like it was the only thing keeping me from falling off a building and trying to make phone calls with the other hand. Of course nobody picked up the phone. It was the middle of the day and apparently everyone I know has a life. Luckily Casey is the person who called me back. Being that he is an ER nurse he is the only person whose opinion I really trusted anyway. He came over while I cleaning up the blood and, disappointed that he missed the scene, bandaged up my hand. It really wasn't all that bad so he was probably annoyed he made the trip but it was still nice to have the reassurance you don't need stitches. Thanks for being there Case.

Have you ever tried washing your hair with one arm? It's surprisingly difficult.

Why don't I come here more often?

2010-08-03T23:47:00.003-04:00

I used to love my blog. I loved building connections with other bloggers. I loved having an outlet. I don't remember why I created it in the first place but over time my blog became the diary I never had. It was a place I could hash out some thoughts or talk about what was happening in my life both good and bad. Ever since I lost my job I've written less and less. It's been a hard time for me. It's been hard to own up to it and it's been even harder to express what it's doing to my head. I miss using this outlet. I wish I could force myself back into the world because I think it could really help me get organized. I miss a lot of you out there that I used to communicate with almost daily. I wish I hadn't lost touch. UGH! I want to start over. Right now. I hope I do. I hope I'm back here tomorrow. I would promise but I don't want to be a liar.

Night.
- Knight

Back For A Spin

2010-05-18T09:27:00.002-04:00

I've spent the morning trying to inspire myself and found a little something I would like to share.

Tim Minchin is an interesting guy. He is very talented at forcing me to think. Today I realized that spending the vast majority of my time in my mind might not be a good thing. Or should I be spending more time there? Hmmm...

One last thing before I go....Happy Birthday Dez!

Pointless Rambling Of My Thoughts

2010-02-02T22:33:00.004-05:00

I just got back to my apartment. I've only been here for about an hour today. I'm not really the kind of person who enjoys spending the majority of my day in my home but over the past couple weeks I've grown rather dependent on the privacy and comfort it provides. I've come to realize that it's the only place I really feel safe. As safe as I ever feel that is. Perhaps I never actually feel completely safe anymore. This is the best I know of.

Do you ever feel like all you want is to be alone but once you are you get mad at yourself for choosing loneliness?

I haven't been sleeping well. I tend to stay up all night trying to sleep and then sleep during the day. I'm tired. I've tried doing all the things that supposedly put you to sleep but it doesn't work. My mind just won't be quiet long enough. It has so many things it wants me to do and it won't give me peace. My brain is a traitor to my body.

Things That Move You

2010-02-01T19:10:00.003-05:00

Today while I was walking down Broadway and listening to my Ipod on shuffle a song came up that moved me so much actual tears welled up in my eyes. It's funny how things sneak up on you like that. When I got home I had to track down a recording on YouTube. I found this version that was performed three months before I was born. That information is irrelevant and yet it amuses me.

Now I shall share it with you.

A Bottle of Wine and Biding My Time

2010-01-26T23:27:00.004-05:00

I've got nothing going on. I'm sitting here in my apartment after spending the day cleaning and doing laundry. I'm applying for jobs but have not really seen anything that seemed fitting or appropriate for my skill set. It worries me.

I opened a bottle of wine that my mother sent me. It's Educated Guess which is a Cabernet Sauvignon from Napa Valley. It's delicious (Thanks Mom!). I should really walk over to the cubbord and get a wine glass. I have some gorgeous red wine glasses that I adore (Thanks Case) and an AMAZING wine opener that makes uncorking a bottle as easy as removing a beer cap. (Thanks BabaHot).

I've been spending the last week reconnecting with friends that I haven't had the time to see as much over the last six months or so. I think seeing them is the only thing keeping me sane. I spent last night singing in a private karaoke room with two friends (Thanks Ava and Dana.) It's my friend Chad's birthday today and somehow I got him to share his homemade dinner with me the other day (Thanks Chad and Jess!)

Today I signed up for Skype. Want to friend me? I'm not giving out my name to just anybody but I dig this thing. It's a cool little invention. I especially like that you can do a free group chat. I think it helps build friendships. I'm not the best at keeping in communication with people so hopefully this will be another way to keep me at it.

I'm so sorry to post such a pathetic, mindless, .... whatever the f*** this is. In all honesty I've been an emotional whack job the last couple days. No idea why. I keep saying it out loud so I won't get too caught up in it and don't take anything too seriously. Honestly the one thing that really seemed to help and lift spirits was taking a Bikram class. I'm going to try and keep at that for awhile and see if it continues to help. Hell, it's a lot cheaper than therapy!

Scary Dreams

2010-01-23T15:49:00.002-05:00

Do you ever have dreams that are so vivid you actually have to go back over what you did the day before just to make sure they didn't happen? I do. I had a dream like that last night and for a good minute I was really scared today until I remembered I didn't leave my home at all last night. The scariest part is that what happened in my dream could easily happen any time if I let my guard down.

In dream land I was at a bar I frequent where I know the bartender. I was with some old friends and some new friends that I don't know as well. I was towards the end of my first beer when I noticed I was feeling funny. Infact I was feeling intoxicated. It hit me all at once. I remember saying to the bartender that something was wrong and I think I had been drugged. I wanted him to please make sure I didn't leave with anyone and help me get a cab. Then everyone there was trying to escort me back to my apartment to make sure I was safe but I had to do it alone because I still had no idea who drugged me in the first place. Who was I supposed to be afraid of? Everyone? I don't even remember if I made it home in my dream. It just sort of fades out and I assume I must have had to wake up at this point.

I guess I probably had this dream because it is something I am constantly aware of. I feel like it's something I'm supposed to be prepared for just incase. My best friend was drugged once when she was alone at a bar with a bartender she knew. She had to keep a stranger from following her home and spent the night lying on the floor of her hallway in her own vomit. I've known several women who have had things like this happen to them. It really is a nightmare.

As for all of you I wish you only sweet dreams.

Where In The Hell I've Been

2009-12-30T16:18:00.004-05:00

Happy Holidays and New Year and Winter Solstice and well... all those other Holidays I missed. Not working in an office makes it very difficult to keep up this whole blogging thing. It seems I just don't have the time to write but that isn't exactly true. I'm going to blame my boyfriend Sky. He has a bit of an addiction to the Internet. He won't admit to it but he does. I have to trick him into looking the other way just so I can check my e-mail. That's okay though. I needed new hobbies.

What was I up to the last time I checked in? I have no idea. I've been working at the Algonquin Theater as a manager of some sorts. It's been pretty damn cool. Sky is playing the role of Dylan in the off Broadway musical SESSIONS that is running at the Algonquin so it has been convenient for us. I've been assistant directing and understudying for the theater as well as producing, performing in, and hosting cabarets. I've met a lot of wonderful, amazing, and in several cases talented people. I have had a wonderful time.

The whole seizure thing still sucks. They have been more frequent and let me tell ya, it's not the sort of thing you get used to. I'm still working on figuring out what that's all about. I assume I always will be. It's frightening that this little thing has overtaken my life and is the first thing I think about when I wake up in the morning. In fact I think about it all day every day in pretty much all that I do. Ridiculous.

Things are alright I guess. I need to get a new office job so I can afford my rent. I also need to work on getting a full cabaret together. This new year coming up is a world of I don't know. I don't know where I will be working or what I will be doing. I could be homeless. I could but I don't think my mother would let that happen. I wouldn't handle moving back to Illinois well though. I might prefer the homeless New York lifestyle. Depends on the season.

Also, I'm considering becoming a nudist. Does anyone have any advice on that?

A Top Five

2009-07-24T15:30:00.001-04:00

We all have a list, or at least we have thought about it, right? I thought I would attempt to make my list of living people that I think are incredibly beautiful beyond belief for whatever reason. I'm going to call it my Top Five list even though I really want to call it my Wish List.

I don't want to hurt Dean's feelings so I will just post a quick reminder before I begin that he is my number one dead or alive no matter what happens or who comes into existence.

Ahhh don't you just want to grab those hands and wrap them around you? Okay, now let's begin.

1) Tyson Beckford

2) Robert Redford

3) Steven Tyler

4) Angelina Jolie

5) Hey, what do you know? The number five position is still open. Maybe I should do a vote? I'll give you my list of honorable mentions and you all can help me decide.

Honorable Mentions:

Pet Names: A Rant

2009-07-16T14:07:00.005-04:00

Don't call me Honey Bear. Don't call me Cutie or Lovey or Dovey or Sweetie. It drives me completely insane! Maybe you think I'm kidding or maybe you think I'm putting up an act. I guarantee you I'm not. When you are trying to turn me on and you mention Baby Cakes I think of babies and that is no good. Any words that can be associated with children should not be associated with me. Binkie, Frou Frou, Pookie, Peachy Pie... Save these names for your offspring.

Now you might be wondering what is acceptable. Not just for me, of course, but for someone with my same distaste for this type of language. Well, it depends on the personality of course. I decided to look up a nick name generator for lovers. You enter your first and last name then it gives you a suggestion. Mine was "Wicked Hot". I think that is perfect. It makes me feel good about myself and I don't feel like a child. Any other name I put in brought up child like crap so GOOD LUCK! Other acceptable names would be along the lines of Beautiful, Charming, Tiger, Killer, you get the idea.

Now I don't mean to offend the people that are into this sort of thing because you certainly make up the majority. I just feel that it is important to let people know not everyone feels that way. Some people *ahem ME ahem* had enough of the cute crap when they were little. Maybe I'll get back into it when I'm starting to shrivel up again but until then, ADULT names only PLEASE!

The Lodge

2009-07-08T15:04:00.006-04:00

It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood.
A beautiful day for a neighbor.
But I don't know mine.

Do you know your neighbors? I live in a 15 story apartment building so you would think I would know at least one person living in the building. You would think. Unfortunately I only know the door men. Sure there are people I have spoken to and wave at but I don't know their names. I would never borrow a cup of sugar if I ever decided to bake something. The closest neighbors I know live ten blocks south. Which is probably about sixty thousand people away. The two of them happen to live in the same building so I am obligated to travel south where I meet them for after work beverages a couple days a week. Drinks are more fun than baking anyway.

We call ourselves "The Lodge". Every now and then someone will send me a text that says "Lodge meeting tonight." So I know that happy hour is on and no less then three of us will be imbibing 2 for 1 drinks at our favorite local spot. It's a shitty bar with dirty bathrooms, a hundred dirty bras hanging from the ceiling, and the awesome bartender Mike. I have a pretend crush on Mike because he plays Rat Pack music every time I'm there even though it probably pisses off the other clientele. That's all it takes to win me over.

My official Lodge title is Vice President of Marketing and Customer Relations. Which means nothing. Our president is The Vin Man who looks like he is in his early thirties but is actually forty five. He has played guitar and written music for some major stars as well as touring each year on one of those majorly popular after the reality TV show is over tours of the country. But it would be rude for me to share details. He has unusual taste in women and usually cat calls the ladies that walk by while standing out front smoking. He has lived in this neighborhood for years and knows all that weirdos that drop in like the guy in the suite with the pompadour hair who is always looking for weed and the little old mousy woman under five feet tall who only drinks white wine and coughs a lot.

Our VP is Frederick the funny man. He is in his thirties and assistant manages a huge building somewhere downtown where people with Nobel Prizes and such keep their offices. That is just his day job. He is an actor that has been in many national musical tours like Singing In The Rain. Frederick has been a friend of mine for years but for the first couple we were always so drunk when we got together we kept forgetting each other. That was back when brunching was an all day booze fest.

These are my neighbors and my friends. They are far stranger then I have mentioned here because nobody has that kind of time to write this stuff out. Then again, of course they are strange if they hang out with me! So do you know your neighbors? Why? How? Should I bother to meet someone in my building? It just seems so sad that if all my bottle openers broke I would have to take the elevator all the way downstairs and walk the ten feet to the deli to buy a new one. Or I could ask the doorman.

2:30 AM

2009-06-19T02:30:00.003-04:00

It's time for another (or maybe it's the first) late night stream of conscious post.

This is coming at you after only one glass of Voignier (a white wine) which means I am sober even if this entire entry is confusing and pointless.

First of all I would like to thank everyone for all the birthday wishes and whatnot. I heart you all for your continued support even though I rarely post these days. Unemployment is such a bitch.

Speaking of the whole lack of job thing, I have some sort of meeting at 10:30am tomorrow but the letter I got in the mail saying I had to go or I would lose unemployment benefits didn't say what the meeting was for or about. Is it sad that my biggest concern is what to wear? I highly doubt the government is going to give me much help in finding a job. I do think I might be getting some idea of what I would like to that works with my skill set. That is the benefit of constantly job hunting as your day job. I'll stop talking about it before I get depressing.

I'm watching a Roseanne marathon on TV Land right now. It's so strange to me how much I like this show. I think it's because the way Roseanne talks (with constant sarcasm) reminds me of my mom. Honestly it reminds me a bit of myself as well. My mother was visiting me last week. I always enjoy when she is here. It's disturbing to say but either I'm rapidly turning into her or we are turning into each other. I think it's the latter.

There is some sort of note chain on Facebook that basically all my friends keep tagging me on. It's the first one I ever wanted to do myself but I decided I would rather put it here. Now hang on while I go look up the exact wording .....

Okay, here we go.

15 Books

Don’t take too long to think about it. Fifteen books you’ve read that will always stick with you. First fifteen you can recall in no more than 15 minutes. Copy the instructions into your own note, and be sure to tag the person who tagged you.

1. Of Human Bondage - W. Somerset Maugham
2. 1984 - George Orwell
3. Night - Elie Wiesel
4. Dry - Augusten Burroughs
5. Zorba The Greek - Nikos Kazantzakis
6. Without Feathers - Woody Allen
7. The Stand - Stephen King
8. Rat Pack Confidential - Shawn Levy
9. Where The Sidewalk Ends - Shel Silverstein
10. The Stranger - Albert Camus
11. One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest - Ken Kesey
12. The Alchemist - Paulo Coelho
13. The Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck
14. Foundations of Psychopathology - John C. Nemiah, M.D.
15. Inferno - Dante Alighieri

I tried to be quick and pick a variety of books I know have affected me in some way and I know will always stay with me. At least parts of them. I do have a horrible memory after all. Right now I am reading "The Fountainhead" by Ayn Rand and I've only just bitten into the first hundred pages of seven hundred and something. I have a feeling it would be on this list if I had already finished it. Anyone want to recommend anything? I love recommendations.

I burned my hand with the iron today. It looks all shiny and cool. I don't think it will leave a scar. Damn. Off to New Jersey this weekend with the girls. I don't really have a group I call "the girls" so nobody in my life should know what that means. Hell, I could be talking about my boobs. But I'm not. A few of us were going to stay in a house by the beach but it won't stop raining so I guess it will be lots of bowling in another state. Whoo hoo. Toss me a beer.

TWENTY SIX

2009-06-02T00:32:00.000-04:00

Happy Birthday to ME. Happy Birthday to ME. I somehow survived for 26 yea-rs. Happy Birthday to ME. Gee it feels good to spend the first moments of my birthday blogging. Yes, that is a lie. I don't know why in the hell I'm even home right now. I should have gone to Brooklyn to watch an old friend's jazz trio play but for some reason I can't get myself out of my apartment tonight.

My birthday party was in Central Park Sunday. A lot of friends came out and we had a good time prancing about the park for a few hours. It was lovely weather until that random set of clouds rolled in and rained for fifteen minutes. That was odd. Then it went right back to being beautiful. My favorite picture of the day is from my sad attempt to do a hand stand. Awesomeness.

We rocked it on out we did.

My dad sent me an e-card for my birthday. He is the best.

Ha ha ha. I guess he would know. He was there.

Demons and Parties

2009-05-26T01:20:00.003-04:00

The Demon stopped in to say hello Sunday morning. I have no idea what time it was but I sat up in bed and started saying something along the lines of "Oh My God, Oh My God, Oh My God!" before the seizure hit and I fell off my bed to the floor. I don't remember a whole lot about this one. When I woke up I felt very panicked and I had to ask Sky (that would be the new boyfriend) if something happened. Then I cried. I was really thankful I wasn't alone this time. It's so much easier. For some reason I didn't feel all that horrible yesterday but holy crap today is painful. Every muscle seems to be pissed off at me. It's the sort of pain that any position you are in for more than five minutes makes you wish you had heavy duty drugs. Maybe it is always that way and I just don't remember because it's been six months since the last experience.

Let's switch to an upbeat subject shall we? A week from today (JUNE 2nd) I will be turning 26. I'm planning to have my party on Sunday in Central Park so hopefully it doesn't rain. It will be really nice to get all my friends together and enjoy the company. I fell like I don't see any of them nearly enough. Hey, want to come help me celebrate? I would love to see you too.

It's time to go back to bed now.

What can I say?

2009-05-22T18:29:00.002-04:00

I've really missed you all. I miss having this outlet. I know some people read without commenting but I'm talking about the actual friends I have made through blogging. Sometimes I think you all know more about me than anyone else. So I'm sure you are wondering where I have been. The truth is, nowhere. I just can't find reason to write. You know what I mean. I know you do. We have all hit that wall at some point. For the record I am taking suggestions if you want to give me some.

Being unemployed is harder than I thought it would be. I don't feel the kind of stress I had at my last job anymore and I'm so thankful for that but even still I'm really scared. I feel like the choices I make now I have to live with for the rest of my life. I am terrified of going into another corporate job that makes me hate myself. I have not talked about the job hunt process with anyone in my life and I don't intend to. I'm noticing about myself that I tend to be a very private person but only in very obscure ways. I always thought I was more open than most but I must have been wrong. Oh well. We are always learning something new, right?

I guess I'm mostly dropping in to say hello and I am alive. I have not given up on blogging. I will be back. I have also been reading everybody's posts as much as possible but I don't comment much so I apologize for that. I'll try working on it.

Apologies all around.
Much Love.
- Knight

No, I’m not dead yet.

2009-03-26T12:00:00.001-04:00

I needed a break. I needed a big break. A lot has happened in the past couple of weeks. For starters, Casey (TLJ) and I are no longer in a relationship. This isn’t something I intend to write about on my blog but I will say that we remain friends and are on good terms. Shortly after that we went through another round of layoffs at the office. This time I got the axe and a severance package that won’t last much longer. I am worried about money but I hated my soul sucking job so much I was actually relieved to be rid of the place forever. Now I’m not quite sure what to do with myself. Which direction should I go? What is my life?

My fantastic friend Jason hooked me up with a last minute temp gig at his office for a couple weeks. That is what I’m doing now. It’s seriously an answer the phone and read a magazine type job so I can finally force myself to update you all on my whereabouts. I’m really thankful he helped me out because any income is good, right? They were really great about working around the small issue that I will be vacationing in Florida the first weekend of April. Yeah, I know vacationing when you have no job is a dumb idea but I’m going with my mother and she set it all up before any of this happened.

I’m singing at the Algonquin Cabaret on Monday. You should come and see it. Okay, almost none of the people that read my blog live anywhere near New York but you are missing all the fun! At least I hope it will be fun. I got a nasty cold and lost my voice over the past week. It isn’t fully back yet. If it doesn’t come back I will sound like shit. That will suck a lot. A LOT I tell you!

This job just got so much more interesting. I was just asked to do a simple task of cutting out pictures that children drew. The place I am temping at services the autism community and the drawings these autistic children made are so unusual. I wish there was some way I could share them with you.

This post is already too long so I’ll just leave this where it is and maybe pick it up tomorrow? We shall see.

Learning What?

2009-02-27T17:02:00.002-05:00

When I was attending the musical theater academy that shall not be named they made us take a class called VPS. That is short for Voice Production and Speech. The idea was to teach as all about things like vowel placement, tone quality, and breath control. It helped all of us who refused to believe we have accents finally acknowledge what we were doing differently. I understand why they originally thought this class would be beneficial but I can't justify three full semesters of it.

In semester one we had a teacher with a mullet who made us all sit in front of mirrors trying to talk with corks in our mouths. For those of you who just misread that, I said CORKS. I don't really remember what the point was supposed to be. I think a lot of people tend to speak without opening their mouths properly. Regardless, it was a little odd.

Semester two was a real trip. I had a teacher with a bowl cut (Bad hair is a necessity when teaching voice technique.) who would make us all lie on the floor and put ourselves in uncomfortable positions until our tired muscles started to tremor. The goal was seriously the trembling. It was incredibly awkward because it looked like a room full of people orgasming and occasionally the teacher would come over and try to help you. Please explain to me what that could possibly have to do with your voice? Is it for relaxation?

Finally we made it to our third semester and I don't have any memory of that teacher at all. Probably because we were so busy playing with masks and crawling around on the floor. I'm not kidding. I remember some of the masks were cats or just the regular zoro type eye cover but for some reason I thought it would be fun to get a clear glossy mask with the eyes painted in a drag queen sort of way. It doesn't sound too bad but when I put it on it was creepy as hell. One day the teacher asked us to put on our masks and start moving around the room making noise. This escalated into using levels which meant getting on the floor, crawling, and climbing up on boxes. Finally the teacher announces we are animals. Whatever animal came to mind in the moment. We had tigers, bears, birds, and elephants. What was I? Of all the animals I could have chosen I became a damn snake. I don't mind snakes but when you are squirming around on the floor trying to "interact with the other animals" it can really bruise your ribs. I had to keep chasing everyone around because they were afraid of me. I think this moment in time might have damaged me for life. Now tell me, WHAT does that have to do with voice production and speech? What? It was such a pointless, useless class and I spent several dollars on that mask. That was weed money! Back then. Not to mention thousands on the class. That school was such a scam. I wonder if they would hire me as a VPS teacher?

Letter to Knight Ramblings

2009-02-20T11:47:00.001-05:00

Dear Blog,

I'm sorry for neglecting you. I realize you require a lot of attention and upkeep but I'm just not good at that sort of thing. This is exactly why I should never be a parent or even a pet owner. The thing is, I really have gone crazy. I wasn't kidding. I want my life to be different and it just isn't making any changes yet. It's not as if I'm trying to ignore you because I'm not. I'm just overwhelmed at the moment. You see, work eats my soul. That means it's mostly missing except for that little hopeful part I'm hiding inside that so badly wants the change. Since I'm hiding that last bit of soul it makes it very difficult to write. I promise to make it up to you later. I've also been spending a lot of time trying to help out Casey the last few days. He went into surgery Monday morning to have his evil back repaired. He couldn't walk more then a few feet until yesterday when he made it a full six blocks without trouble. Thankfully it looks like the surgery worked and things will start getting better. I'm so happy he is okay.

I probably won't be back again for a little while but don't worry, I could never stay away for too long.

Love,
Knight

Gone Crazy

2009-02-06T10:15:00.001-05:00

It's Probably Time

2009-01-30T10:30:00.002-05:00

As you may or may not know, it is part of my job to watch commercials and keep up with new campaigns. Yesterday I was watching Super Bowl ads set to launch this weekend. This one seems to be speaking directly to me in every way.

Yeah, it's time.

I miss acting.

2009-01-29T14:20:00.001-05:00

I miss getting excited about a character and examining a script knowing you will be telling the story. I love the preparation and rehearsal required to build relationships with other characters and to captivate the audience. Working with another actor and a director going beat by beat to perfect the scene is one of the best ways I can imagine spending my time. I miss even the smallest things like stage markers and finding the light. I really wanted this to be my life but somehow I got sidetracked by money. I was terrified of not paying rent or eating and being on a tour for the rest of my life. I didn't believe in myself. I didn't think I would ever be proud of myself. I didn't think I would be able to take care of myself.

When I started working at the company where I am currently employed it was part time. Only fifteen hours a week so maybe I could still audition. It didn't come close to paying rent of course. I was picking up other random jobs at theaters and promotional modeling gigs. I wasn't acting but I was gal Friday to a lot of places. It got old. I was offered more hours at my day job and I happily took them for the money. The woman I was working with got ill and had to leave on disability. I got her job. Next thing you know I keep getting promoted and I'm in a totally new department working long hours and wondering what happened to my life. I'm completely dependent on the security and afraid to pursue what I really want. I don't even call myself an actor anymore.

I don't know how this turned into a dear diary post. I wanted to write and the stream of conscious brought me here. Don't get me wrong, I am thrilled that I have had a few shows recently and singing is really my love but I can't help feeling like I'm missing out on something I once promised myself.

Inadequate Equipment

2009-01-28T18:21:00.003-05:00

I either have cramps or my soul is dying. I'm betting it's my soul.

I've been in the office for nine hours now and it's at least another hour before I will be able to leave. At one point I walked down to the lunch area and got some shitty coffee with animal crackers out of a vending machine. That was my four minute lunch. I think if I don't get out of this chair more often I will turn into a hunchback. That's really going to piss me off because I have no idea where hunchbacks are supposed to shop for clothes. Wait, maybe that is a business opportunity just waiting to be tapped into. Are there enough people out there in need of that extra back space to justify starting a clothing line? Can you tell how desperate I am for any change of scenery whatsoever?

I have some sort of freakish e-mail addiction. I have to check my mail constantly or I get a little manic over what I could be missing. Just my personal accounts of course. I have no real desire to constantly check my work mail. Not only is my work mail consistently providing more crap to the pile but it also has the ability to make me feel like less of a man. When I sat down at my desk this morning I had several messages from my own e-mail address and this is what I was greeted with in the subject lines of my unread mail:

Don’t lack confidence if front of women
Never be lonely again
Every girl will beg you for more
Denise rode me to ectasy all night
Never be lonely again
Ashamed of your small tool?
Never be lonely again
Want to put on the inches?
Nothing like a big steel rod in her
She’ll always want to go down on you
Give it to her big time
Make her bring you home
Show off your new longer rod ASAP
Growing big is super easy
Grow massive with ease

I'm a little creeped out. It appears I am the only person in the office with this spamming issue. I obviously don't have to worry about this problem but if I did I would certainly want to know who was spreading the word of how inadequate my equipment is. Actually I think the most disturbing part is how often I appear to tell myself to never be lonely again. It sneaks in there a lot. *That's what she said.* Showing off my longer rod ASAP did make me laugh. Something about getting it out ASAP seems really inappropriate while I'm at work.

The News

2009-01-23T11:32:00.009-05:00

I've been busy lately. One of the things that occurred was that I reported someone to a news station and this happened:

This clip cuts off the story early. I was actually on the news and if I find a better version I will post it but for now if you want the whole story you can view it on the news website here.

UPDATE: Gary found the link for me. GO HERE TO WATCH.

44th Prez in the House

2009-01-20T15:16:00.001-05:00

Today at 11:54pm EST I walked with a couple coworkers into our conference room to watch the Inauguration of President Barack Obama on a projector set up by our IT department.

I watched Aretha Franklin sing out in a bizarre but appropriately distracting hat while Cheney was wheeled around. I listened while vice president Joe Biden skipped over a couple pieces in his excitement and possible confusion. I attempted to decipher a poem that was possibly incredible but I couldn't get past the fact that it sounded like a reading lesson. I will blame that on nerves. Most importantly I watched a man that appeared so in shock by the momentous occasion he actually stumbled over most of the words. I was smiling for him. A real person. Our president.

It's about time.

Now let's hose out the house and see if maybe we can work on a few things.

Rockin' and Rollin'

2009-01-16T15:48:00.003-05:00

I have started going to Rock & Roll Karaoke night at Arlene's Grocery Monday nights. It's basically a dirty old bar with a rock band that lets you choose a song from their set list and sing it live on stage with them. It's a decent size crowd that shows up to this wild evening to scream their heads off. I went for the second time last Monday. Casey and I decided to go early so we could get our names in the book and sing early on.

We walked in at the same time as a guy that was their the week before and is clearly a regular. He is 40 years old with an unkempt mohawk, a dirty leather jacket, and the worst case of body odor imaginable. He very well could be homeless actually. So the three of us walk into the bar and some sort of comedy show is in the works so we belly up to the bar and sit on the stools to watch the end of the show. It wasn't bad especially since we came in at the end and didn't have to pay. While the show is going on I happen to look at a guy sitting to my left and realize he looks familiar.

Does anyone remember my Missed Connections post? Last July I saw a guy on a train that I had posted a missed connection about in 2004 as a joke and he found it. We don't really know each other put our paths kept crossing somehow. Well, he was now sitting next to me. This time I said hello and let him know I have been reading his blog. It was a very unusual experience for me. I have never even seen some of the neighbors that live on the same floor as me in my apartment building but somehow I keep running into this guy. Luckily he seems like a normal person. So my evening started out with this odd occurrence. It would take a lot to top that, right? Apparently not.

Fast forward. The band is playing. People are singing. Creepy stinky guy is jumping around up front and wait, what is that? He is making out with some chick? Eww. They are making such a big scene that the band actually comments on the fact that it's a good night because this dude somehow found a girl. She is kind of scaring me. Casey is up to sing before me. He is in the middle of rocking "Don't You Forget About Me" when he pauses to mention that the chick is showing her tits. Yep, he announced it to the whole crowd because that is what a rocker should do. This chick is not only showing them but she took off her whole shirt and bra. Nasty stinky guy was cupping and fondling while Casey was singing and the whole audience was watching the show.

One of the fun aspects of Rock & Roll karaoke is that they usually have a photographer there taking pictures of all the singers. He gets a couple hundred photos and posts them all to flickr for the world to see. Guess what the majority of Casey's pictures looked like. Yep, a greasy topless chick with Casey in the background. That is Rock and Roll my friends. That is how it's done.

Delurkify

2009-01-12T10:45:00.005-05:00

It's national Delurking Day in blog land. If by chance there is anyone reading this today is the day to leave a comment and make yourself known! Anyone? Bueller?
*Credit to Rude Cactus for creation of Delurking Day.

Last Thursday night I went to a hypnotism show. Casey decided to participate and did many an amusing thing including playing butt guitar and making love to a chair that he was calling a chicken. He remembers everything and felt more like he was playing along rather than doing things unintentionally. Yeah, I'm glad I stayed in the audience. It was hilarious.

Spamalot (The Monty Python Musical) had it's final show on Broadway last night. I went in 2005 while the show was still in previews with the original cast and then again last night. It was really exciting to see the final show with Eric Idle coming up on stage after the curtain call and giving a speach thanking everyone. He asked all people in the audience that had been a part of the show at any point to come up. David Hyde Pierce was there and looking, well, sort of pale and scary. It was a great experience. I've never been at the closing night of a Broadway show. It's bitter sweet.

Did any lurkers show up yet? Reveal yourselves!

Houston

2009-01-07T17:19:00.000-05:00

It's time for a Dino Break.

Bad Dreams

2009-01-05T12:23:00.002-05:00

The other night I had a very vivid dream and when I awoke I couldn't seem to shake it. It started out being my normal confusion of a dream where who I am with keeps changing at random as does our location. I was North of San Francisco for some reason and I needed to find a zip car (rental car) because I had a performance later that night. I was in a huge rush and was very anxious in my dream. While I'm running out to find a car I am in New York. Somehow in my dream this makes complete sense to me. We (I have no idea who I was with.) were running up to a building that we thought might be the correct location to find the car when suddenly I hear a horrible loud boom in the distance. I look up and the skyline is suddenly mushrooming up in an explosion of smoke and fire. It was enormous. I stood there looking at it in shock. Then it was like a wave of heat from the fire hit me and I realized the whole island would soon be ablaze. The person I had been running with pulled me into the building we were headed towards in an effort to find safety. Inside we found an empty area of cement floor and walls with stairs to more of the same. There was nowhere to go and I came to the realization that we were going to die there. This is when I forced myself awake. I don't die in my dreams. I often wake up and force my dreams to go another way but for some reason I could find no solution and in this story in my head that is the only ending I have. Sure now that I'm completely awake I can think of any number of things that could suddenly happen. I should go running for the river and swim to Jersey. It's too late though. I needed to dream it. Does anyone else have this problem? Do you have dreams that are so troubling you can't get past it?

Once my mother called me at an odd time and said she just needed to know I was okay because she had a dream I killed a man and boiled his head to hide the evidence. Yes, I said my mother had this dream. I had a nightmare as a child that an alligator ate my brother. I woke up crying and wrote a story for school about it. Why are the good dreams so hard to remember comparatively?