Is your heart broken?

I’m not talking about your damn feelings. I want to know if you have had your ticker checked recently. Chest pain? Palpitations? Get to the f’ing doctor! Especially since you cosmically know me in some way. I’m starting to feel like the beacon of all heart pain and I mean that in addition to your damn feelings. I’m sure you all know people with these problems but come on, I’m in my twenties. This is ridiculous. Within the past week I’ve had two friends in the emergency room with heart issues. They are both way too young for that to be even close to normal. Neither of them are drug users so you can cross that right off your list of excuses. My mom was just telling me the other day that my crazy uncle called her in the middle of the night saying he thought he was having a heart attack but didn’t want to call an ambulance. What the hell? Call the damn ambulance! You live across the country. What in the hell is your sister going to do to help you? CPR doesn’t work over the phone. On the upside of this everybody has been fine. Just make sure you go to the doctor. I’m a little afraid that every time I start having an anxiety attack and my heart is beating out of my chest I’m going to convince myself I’m having a heart attack. Like I needed one more thing on my list of crazy. Thanks a lot universe.

Love me like a song.

The most flattering thing happened to me today. A friend and old lover that I haven’t seen in several years was chatting with me via instant message. I don’t quite remember how it came about but he informed me that a song on his last CD was about me. Granted this was recorded four years ago but still it surprised me because he had never mentioned it before. I, of course, wanted to hear it immediately and since I don’t have itunes at work I had to search sites for a sound bite. It was ten minutes of absolutely gorgeous and creative jazz bliss. I’m still blushing that anyone could possibly hear that and think of me. I only wish I had known then.

This isn’t the first time someone wrote/composed a song about me. I’ve dated more than a few musicians and some of them might be a little bitter. Some just share too much. I remember going to see an ex’s band at a big venue and standing with his current girlfriend watching her sing along to a song about our sex life. That was strange.

I used to beg Sky not to write a song about me because I was afraid of what he would say. Some of his stuff is hilarious but other pieces force me to wonder who they are about. He claims nobody. I have a hard time believing that. I remember he told me once that usually when he was dating someone they would keep asking for him to write a song. That’s a lot of pressure. Plus if it was any good he would be performing it at his gigs and all your friends would know. It seems so personal and yet you share it with everyone. See, this is why I don’t write my own music. I’m incapable of sharing my emotions.

Still, I’m so completely flattered.

I'm Baaaaaaack

Hola!
Buenos Dias.

I'm tan and happy and had an awesome vacation full of free drinks at the swim up bar. The water was perfect and so was the company. I drunkenly sang at a couple of places with bands that didn't speak English. It was amazing. You should have been there.

I want to thank my mother for making me go on this vacation as well as buying me the bathing suite in the photo above. She also was kind enough to humor me and take some photos of me in the water so I could post them here for all of you. I personally think this action shot is hilarious.

She also took this gorgeous shot of the sunset.

It was odd sharing a room with my mother and brother when I'm used to living alone. We worked it out though. See, my brother loves me.

This photo of us is particularly hilarious because if you knew us you would know we aren't a touchy family. We don't hug or get near each other. Obviously this happened after a day of serious cocktail imbibing and I'm violently grabbing and shoving his face toward the camera. He never smiles. Actually, we made friends with that guy in the background and he told us that their group knew my brother as "The Angry Smoker" because he always looks pissed. Adorable, isn't it?

Some lovely person in our group talked us into taking a family picture and shockingly I think it turned out well. I'm betting this will be framed next time I visit the hometown.

The absolute craziest part about this vacation is that when I got home and got on the scale I found out I actually LOST weight while I was eating fatty buffet food all week. How in the hell did that happen? I guess Jet Skiing and that five minutes of water aerobics really worked out.

So as you can probably tell, I had an okay time. My mood has drastically improved. I did a lot of soul searching that made me realize I've got options and I'm a lucky girl.

Adios Muchachos!

See Ya Suckers!

I forget to mention....I'm leaving for Mexico. Right now. Im actually posting this from my Droid while I wait to board the plane. So I wont be around to harass you for the next seven days. It will be hard for you I know but Ill make up for it by posting pictures. Maybe of babes in bikinis...we shall see. Okay gotta run!

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What happened last night?

I woke up at 6:30 in the morning and couldn’t force myself to sleep anymore. I had crazy dreams all night long. I was under investigation for a murder and apparently the person murdered had been stalking me but I had no idea. On top of all that my teeth were falling apart! It was so detailed and intricate. I could write a movie script. My imagination is capable of scaring the shit out of me and it does so frequently. When I checked my Facebook account I had a whole bunch of status updates in my feed about people having strange dreams last night. Guess I’m not alone.

It’s my Blogiversary!

Four magical years ago on 2/16/07 I appeared in blog land and proceeded to share my torturous ways with each of you. Looking back now I realize I’ve maintained a pretty solid level of sarcasm, depression, and obnoxiousness. Even on day one I started with over sharing my entire life story. Oh, and I briefly pretended this would be a blog about jazz artists. That was so damn boring I went unconscious writing it. Instead, I have made it my personal therapy lounge and memory keeper.

This is me when I started blogging.

This is me now.

So what happened to me in such a short span of time?

Well, I started the blog 23 and newly single. I was working in the advertising field and was generally doing well. Exactly one month later I was posting about my first seizure. Will it be a seizure blog?

One year later I was seriously obsessed with blogging. I was back with my ex and we had a trip planned to the Bahamas. I still worked in the evil empire of advertising. The epilepsy is still the only health issue and life was pretty good.

Two years later TO THE DAY my boyfriend was having major surgery on his back. It was scary and I was in a bad place mentally. You can tell by my posts. A short time later we broke up. Yes, I understand that makes me a horrible human being but I promise it had nothing to do with his back. Within a week I was laid off from my job. Nice one, KARMA! I kind of went into hiding and wasn’t heard from much in 2009.

Three years later I’m starting to notice the trend that I always get very depressed in February. I had a lovely new boyfriend. I was unemployed. I was doing a lot of drinking by myself. I know at some point in the year I was working at a theater with my boyfriend and doing a lot of creative stuff but I can’t find any proof I wrote about it. I’m starting to wonder if any of that really happened….or am I losing my mind?

TODAY- Four years have gone by. I’m doing a long term temp gig and generally like the atmosphere. My boyfriend is on tour doing children’s theater and I won’t see him for four months. (Seriously, no sex for four months. What did I do to deserve this cruel punishment from the universe?) I still have epilepsy but it took this long to finally come to terms with it and I’m lucky that I had my blog as an outlet. I met several people that were willing to talk with me about their own personal battles and it helped a lot. I feel like I lost touch with many close friends over that time. I made new friends. It doesn’t make up for it. I kinda became a bit of a nudist. Just seeing if you are still paying attention. I sang a lot. A whole lot. But never enough.

Now I wish I had something to aim for next year. I need something to keep me going. But what?

Sheesh, I’m depressing. Happy Anniversary to my blog and to all of you that hang out around here on occasion.

Depressed Again

I am in such a foul mood today. I know that is usually the norm for people on a Monday but man I am pissy. I think it’s a multitude of things sucking all at once that really made this happen but I am going to blame it on this little thing called My Gratitude Journal. (This journal was given to everyone at my office by the boss.)

I especially hate My Gratitude Journal today because it makes me feel like shit. Each day I get a little daily quote of nonsense from some woman I’ve never heard of. Then I’m supposed to write out what it means to me. Every single day I get nonsense like “Plan purposefully, prepare prayerfully, proceed positively, pursue persistently.” Followed by, “What does this mean to you?” I think it means somebody gets off on alliteration. In total you just said a bunch of words and left it to me to make the actual positive statement or thought out of it. I’m not planning for anything so how in the hell can I do it purposefully? I’ve got nothing in life to prepare for so now what? I can’t proceed positively because you just depressed the shit out of me. I have a lot of crap to deal with right now. Give me a break.

Finally after that hell I flip to the next page and they make me fill in a personal goal of the day as well as a work goal of the day. Somehow I can never accomplish even the simplest goal. It takes me two extra days. It’s frustrating because when I look back on why it didn’t work out it’s because something urgent came up or I couldn’t get the sign-off. I feel like I will never catch up. I will never be ahead of the game. Things will never work out as planned.

Now write out ten things you are grateful for.

It’s the only saving point.

At least I know “I am loved”. Even if I can only fill out that one, I’ll make it through today.