Covered in Welts

It has been an entertaining week thus far. I don’t remember Monday at all so I assume I had an amazing time. Tuesday night my office held a seminar for wealthy weird old people so that they might save money on taxes. A lot of these wealthy people are a huge pain in my freakin’ ass. Over privileged asshats. It’s a wonder I don’t slap them. I made it through okay only because we had a ridiculous amount of wine and cheese. I slept like a drunken baby that night. We all know drunken babies are adorable.

Last night I shot a bunch of people. I went paintballing with a large group of friends at an indoor field. I was a virgin. This was all the more entertaining because the creamy reddish white paintballs made you look like you just stepped out of a horrifying orgy when the game was done. We were in a small space and there were a lot of us so you got hit A LOT. 150 mph paintballs would hit you in the face (covered by a mask) chest, arms, and legs. My friend had one ricochet up into her mask and break in her mouth. I shot her boyfriend in the neck and it bled. I have welts on my inner thigh and ass. It was AWESOME! Three hours of this passed like fifteen minutes. If my daily workout could be shooting people I would be a pro.

Now I guess I have to start thinking about Thanksgiving. I usually make sangria for everyone. Here is my recipe for extremely intoxicating wine juice.
One Bottle or Jug of a Rich Red Wine (Cheap)
3 cups or One Bottle of White Rum (Add the amount that best suits you and your hangover needs.)
½ Cup of Sugar (Powdered or Regular It Doesn’t Matter)
1 Orange – 1 Lemon – 1 Lime – Other Fruit You Like to add like Apples or Whatever Crazy stuff you are into.
Directions: Add the rum to a bowl or container or whatever the hell it fits in. Mix in the sugar. Slice up all your fruit and toss it in with the sugar rum. Leave it in the fridge overnight. That last step might be hard for some of you because who can leave a large amount of fruity sugar rum in the fridge all night without drinking it? I have found that drinking other things while you prepare helps you pass out and not touch the rum until morning. Good luck. The very last step is for when you are ready to serve. Just mix your rum fantasy with your bottle/ jug of wine and stir well. I promise you will have a happy holiday and a lovely nap.

Arizona Turkey

I hope this post doesn’t get me in trouble! I spent Thanksgiving with my lover boy Casey’s family. I had a fantastic time and I have loads of stories to tell but maybe I should be careful what I share so I don’t accidentally offend anyone. Just because I like to share doesn’t mean everyone else does. Nah, they don’t care.

Day 1) Casey’s Step Dad picked us up from the airport. I have never met a kinder, calmer person in my life. It is my understanding that the only thing that can make him panic in the slightest is if the remote is missing. He took us back to the GORGEOUS house where Step Dad and Mom live. Um, WOW.

I have only been through Arizona once before and this place is total culture shock to me. Everything blends into the desert. Everything is some shade of brown and the landscaping is incredible. At the house there is an amazing view out the back windows. It’s nothing but mountains. I had nature overload. The house, for me, was like being thrown into the Twilight Zone. Birds everywhere! I’m not kidding. Casey’s mom is really fond of chickens and they are a major part of the decorations. I have to admit, it did look pretty cool. I was just thankful none of them were alive.

The first night Casey’s cousin cooked dinner. She is a chef and sommelier. Two of my favorite attributes in a person. It was fantastic (mmm red meat) and I think you should all be jealous. I enjoyed the meal and promptly passed out. That’s not true. I stayed up for as long as I could but towards the end I was probably mumbling and bumping into stationary objects.

Day 2) I went to a mall! I never go to malls. I don’t even know where the mall is. Casey wanted to take his two year old nephew out for some cool threads and he let me come along. Let me just say, this child has got to be the cutest thing I have ever seen. He was really well behaved and it made us look good. After he found some cars and a cup that he loved at the Disney Store we found an ultra nerdy Star Wars shirt and a kick ass Rolling Stones shirt! I didn’t know it was possible to make him cooler but he is. Also, he didn’t hate me and we all know kids that actually like me are immediately cool.

Day 3) Time to celebrate Turkey day. We spent the whole day lounging about the house, watching terrible football games and laughing at the frozen people at the parade. Okay, I was the only one laughing. In addition to all the people I already mentioned we spent the day with Sister, Brother, Sister in Law, Sister in Law’s mother, Aunt, and Uncle. The older males managed to spend the entire day making a wooden box in the garage. How could that take so long? I’m thinking maybe they were hiding medicinal drugs in this “box” and didn’t want to share with the rest of the family. Or maybe they enjoy wood working. Who knows?

Day 4) I went furniture shopping with the Sis and Sis in Law. Why is everything big and brown? I don’t get it. Everything matches the desert, like the houses, furniture, cars, and kids. It’s so unusual. Anyway, these two chicks are very cool and I was thrilled to find out that they are a little pervy too. I felt right at home. Everyone enjoys a good boob joke, right? We did some measuring of the sis’ living room and then went gambling at the Indian Reservation for a few hours. I won 10k. Maybe we didn’t do that last part at all but it would have been a great addition to the story.

That night we went to dinner with the Dad side of the family. We had a great Meal. A few bottles of wine into the dinner we accidentally found out the nickname of a certain family members certain extremity. Too much information! Aww, it’s nice when families can share like that. I will haunt Casey with that knowledge for the rest of his life. Bwah ha ha.

After dinner we went to the aunt’s place where we looked at photos and said what we are thankful for. We all gave crappy answers because nobody likes to be put on the spot. The aunt has a cool place though. It had a modern chic thing going on. I was digging it. I also liked that she was wearing all black. I knew right away that we would get along just fine.

Then I wrestled with a two year old (he won) and watched Wall-E for the 79th time that trip. We said our goodbyes and goodnights. At 5am I was on my way home to New York. It was a good trip. Much Needed. I just lucked out that the whole family was great. I’m not even lying about it. No really, I’m not being sarcastic. Casey is a lucky guy.

Catch Up - The rest of the answers.

There is so much to catch up on but so little desire within me to write it all out. I'll do the brief version here and work my way back.
1) I still owe you the rest of the answers to your questions.
2) I spent Thanksgiving in Arizona with Casey's family so I'll give you the scoop on that.
3) I had another seizure over the weekend.
4) It's time to promote my December show!


kcinnova said...
What are the best and worst things about living in NYC?
If you could live anywhere else, where would it be?

Dear Kcinnova,
The best thing about living in NYC is the constant energy pulsating from the island. Something is always happening. A whole lot of people with different backgrounds and opinions are crammed on to an island together and because of that you get diverse culture, art, lifestyle, religion, beauty, etc. I could go on forever. The worst thing about NYC is …hmmm… I can’t think of anything. Oh wait, I got something… it gets really f’ing cold in the winter and I don’t like waiting in the cold for a train.
I assume if I lived somewhere else it would have to be in the U.S. since that is where my citizenship is and all. I’m very fond of San Francisco and New Orleans. I think that is where I would find the most comfort if forced to leave Manhattan.

Mike said...
If you gotta fart, really really bad, and you're surrounded by people, do you do it anyway?

And if you did, would you be embarrassed?

Dear Mike,
To be honest I don’t know that this has come up. How often are you so full of gas and surrounded by people that you couldn’t possibly get away from? I guess if there was no way to be polite and get away from the people I would do it anyway and no I don’t think I would be all that embarrassed.

TT said...
Ever thought about trying out for American Idol?

TT,
I have to admit that it probably crosses every singers mind at some point in time but I never seriously considered it. A few years ago I had the look they might have wanted but I don’t sing pop music. They expect you to sing a popular style and I'm just not good at the popular thing.

and then there was silence....

Okay, so nobody has anything to say about mind control. Alright, I'll leave that subject alone for awhile. By the way, everyone reading has the ability to comment. You can do it anonymously. I know I sound like a total whack job in most if not all of my posts but if I were completely boring you wouldn't bother stopping by.
I have no real topic for today. I just felt I should write since it's been awhile and there was a holiday and whatnot. Oh Yeah, Happy Thanksgiving. I won a lot of cash on the Riverboat Casino slot machine. Happy Holidays to me! Hey, next year let's do this for Thanksgiving.

Why is it that kids get to dress up put it is really inappropriate for adults to do it?