Grateful

I'm back today partially through guilt but mostly inspiration. Some friends and, dare I say, mentors have taken to sharing very thoughtful blogposts filled with reflection and genuine thankfulness to what they are grateful for. Truly heartwarming.

After my admiration of all they opened up about, I started thinking about myself like all narcissist assholes (all humans) do. This is not my day to be inspirational. This is not my week or month to be anything but a needy bitch. Only problem is... I'm wrong. I built that story because of some hard times making me feel like I'm losing my mind. I built that story. But it's just a story. 

Truth is, I'm happy. I'm lucky. I'm finishing this iced coffee and glancing out at the streets of NYC. I'm Grateful. I'm mostly grateful for the people. Take a minute to think through all the amazing people in your life that influence you in various ways. The kindness they provide. The knowledge and enlightenment they gift you without even knowing it. The adventure and exposure to experiences you never imagined. The people in my life literally keep me alive.  I've somehow lucked or loved my way  into a life scenario where I'm constantly surrounded by people I care about and admire. 

Thank you ALL. For my friends from this land inside of blogging that have stuck around for so long and somehow built friendships I didn't know were possible. Dear Ben, I'll love you forever. My work, although frequently a huge pain in the ass, has provided me with close friends and mentors that have changed my view of the world and myself. The artists I've had the opportunity to work with and build loving friendships with have cared for me and taught me that my capabilities are far beyond what I imagined. We've created and contributed so much together. The friends that I've collected over the years at random because our souls just knew we were finding something worthwhile in each other.  My family who genetically is me in pieces. I couldn't be prouder of everything I share in who you are.  

Yes, this certainly helped. I'm filled to capacity with love and gratefulness. It was always in there. You just need to remind yourself of what is true. 

9 YEARS

Has it really only been nine years since my ramblings began? It feels like several lifetimes ago. It WAS several lifetimes ago. Several loves, several careers, several versions of me.  I've experienced a lot of traveling and gained wonderful friends bringing opportunities beyond my wildest dreams. Yes, every moment I've ever fought to stay alive has without a doubt been worth it.  That last line may seem dramatic but it's just helping me get to my point.

What has become of this blog over the last decade is now mostly just record of what happened to me as I developed and learned to deal with my epilepsy escapades. That wasn't my intention but it's what I needed. It helped me find a community to talk to. It helped me sort my emotions and find my own voice. Possibly of most importance, it remains here to help me remember. Having a neurological disorder I've found that my memory of what happens changes a great deal over time and sometimes I need the help be it good or bad. I'm really thankful for this snapshot of time that gives me pieces of myself I might not otherwise remember.

That all being said, it's about damn time I updated this thing and shared where I am as of today! I'm still awesome so that's good. I still love my job at MFF and I'm currently getting my VISA to travel to Russia this year. I've been sleeping with a beautiful man that's performing on the Grammy's tonight. SO HOT. I spent last week attached to an EEG with a battery pack and rainbow wires dangling like a unicorn mane from the bandages wrapped around my head. I had what I assume was a mild seizure during that time and my fingers are crossed that maybe this means they can figure out which part of my brain is misfiring. If they can do that, they can get me on a more effective medication and maybe, just maybe, I could be seizure free for a significant time. Maybe I won't sleepwalk anymore or wake up with a badly bumped head and bruised butt with no idea what happened. Maybe I won't spend a week crying for no reason while my brain tries to heal. Maybe I could have a relationship with someone that didn't require me watching the pity overtake their eyes when I explain how to help someone convulsing.

It's been nine years and even as of this week I really am filled with hope. I'm thankful for everything I have been lucky enough to experience. I'm happy. I am.

Am I Okay?

Last night I kissed my date goodnight on the steps to my building. Feeling a little fluttery with that sort of giddy feeling inside I took the elevator to my apartment. I grabbed my doorknob and a business card tucked inside fell to my feet. "Police Department City of New York Special Victims Squad Manhattan" It all comes rushing back.

A month ago I woke up naked in the back of a cab surrounded by cops asking where my clothes were.  I didn't know. I didn't know where I was, how I got there, what time it was, or if I was okay. The cops asked questions while we waited for an ambulance. I could remember what I had done earlier that evening and what I was wearing. Then the next thing I remember is that I was standing in the street and a guy was trying to kiss my face and telling me not to go. I ran for a cab. The cab driver thought I was crazy and wanted me to get out but I refused and rambled something about needing to get away. He drove a few blocks and the next thing I know cops are asking questions.

So I took the ambulance to the hospital and slowly started regaining full clarity. My doctor and counselor were wonderful and kept me calm. Everyone assumed I had been drugged and attacked. They started testing me for everything and administering a rape kit. It was 1:30 in the morning when everything happened and something wasn't adding up.  The last thing I remembered was hanging out at my local pub where there weren't a lot of people. I was talking to a friend and I knew the bartender. I only had a couple drinks and then went home. I was fine.

The officer helping me in the cab showed up at the hospital with the clothes I had been wearing. He was very happy to tell me that they broke into my apartment and my clothes were on the floor. Everything appeared to be normal so he brought my clothes, phone, keys, and purse to the hospital and that was it. They talked to the bartender and it appeared I had left and gone directly home before 11. Two and a half hours were missing.  The tests didn't show any drugs or anything that indicated I had been hurt. I was released from the hospital at 8am.

It's a strange experience to walk in your front door with no memory of leaving and knowing the cops were the last people inside. My TV and fan were on. All the lights were on. My lunch takeout from the previous day was gone but the container and fork were on the table. It was pretty obvious that I had been home the night before and did my usual routine of stripping out of all my clothes, having a little dinner while watching TV, and probably passed out.  Suddenly other memories come back.  I once woke up standing in the hall outside of my apartment and because the door locks behind me, I had to pound on the door of my super for the key. I once woke up at my old apartment knocking on my own door and my ex Sky opened it. "BABY! What are you doing outside?" Am I a sleepwalker? 

Since the incident I've talked to detectives, counselors, several police officers, several doctors. What we believe happened is that I probably had a seizure or due to my neurological issues started sleepwalking and wandered my way down the elevator, outside of my apartment, and down the avenue several blocks. The thing that triggered me to start waking up was a man trying to take advantage of a naked woman in the street that he probably assumed was on drugs. When he made contact by trying to kiss my face while putting his penis in my hand, I realized the danger and ran for a cab. It could have been so much worse.

I still can't believe this happened.

I'm okay.

Integrity vs Time

I’m really trying to focus on integrity. I want to be able to say that I’m filled to capacity with it. This means I do what I say I will do when I say I will do it.  I don’t struggle with this in a general sense so I didn’t think it would be so hard. Wrong.

Day 1) I woke up early so I knew I could get out of the door 10 minutes early so there would be no way I would be late to work. Integrity means being at your desk ready to start your job the minute the clock hits your start time. Turns out, Times Square was shut down and I had to take the train to a different station farther away and walk back. I was five minutes late. Attempting to work this through in my brain has been difficult. It’s the very first action of my new attempts with integrity focus and the failure was beyond my control. What now? Continue moving forward is all I can think of. 

Now I’m going to look through my work and really push to make sure I’ve done everything I said I would and have no guilt for being behind. DEEP BREATH.

Day 2) I took a cab because I was leaving a couple minutes late. Got caught in traffic and a 15 minute cab ride took 40 minutes leaving me both late and with $25 less.

Day 3) I left early again. The train was delayed due to a sick passenger. WHAT THE F*CK UNIVERSE?  What are you teaching me?

Time is so important in my life and it’s awful.

FIRST KISS

I suddenly just remembered my real first kiss.

I don't know how I forgot. Maybe because it was so awkward. I have no idea how old I was. Possibly twelve?  I was dating the cutest boy, Tyler. I remember how he smelled. I remember it disturbingly well. One of our friends was having a birthday party at the local Holiday Inn. We had all been in the hot tub and I was wearing a really hot little patriotic bikini with blue sparkles and white stars. The boys were leaving and somehow it got psyched up amongst our friends that we were going to kiss. I have no idea how this happened.  Next thing I know I'm standing in the Holiday Inn parking lot dripping wet in a bikini while my adorable boyfriend awkwardly leans in and all of our friends watch from the windows. We kissed on the lips and I was completely mortified by the show of it all. According to Facebook, now Tyler lives in Japan with his wife and baby. Interestingly he still looks 12.

Do you remember your first?

Life Updates

I don't remember writing that last post. I realize it was months ago but re-reading it was a little scary. I must block things out quite a bit.  It did, however, make me realize I need to get my ass back here more frequently in order to keep track of my life. So, here are some updates:

My job is fucking awesome. I love these people. As a lot of friends and New York family get engaged, married, knocked up, or move to other cities, I find I need more stability here and I have found some at my workplace. Who would have thought that was possible?

I mention my job because it's a huge part of my life and it segues into my epilepsy update. My last seizure was at a work retreat. December 7th we were all staying at a house upstate and enjoying a few days off together. Night one I chose to stay in a room downstairs by myself away from everyone else because I was the last to go to sleep and it was warmer.  I woke up in a totally different section of the house in an attic type space that was much warmer. I was the first up and went to take a shower. Upon entering the bathroom I saw my face in the mirror. It was covered in rug burns.  I started to realize what was going on.  I went back to the room I had fallen asleep in. The lamp was on the floor and the nightstand was thrown over.  To get to the room I woke up in I had to travel up very narrow carpeted stairs. I had a seizure somewhere and then fell down those carpeted stairs trying to get to the bathroom thus causing pretty gross facial injury that I'm still recovering from a month later.  That's all I remember.  I told everyone what happened. Later that afternoon I woke up from a nap on the couch and some coworkers were around. I could tell something was wrong. I had another seizure while napping. They must have been mild because I was fine and had a great time for the rest of the retreat. I remember nothing about them and I'm thankful for that.

Other than that shit, life is pretty good. I'm alive. That's nice. I've been reading and learning and trying to get better in general.   I've been thinking a lot recently about energy, neurology, and different planes of vibration. I think I might be a little off from normal in general. That might explain my last paragraph of my last post. Sometimes I feel I'm connected to something I don't understand but I hope to discover it eventually. Whatever the fuck it is. Ha, while writing this I remembered that in the beginning I used to refer to seizures as demons. Now I feel the complete opposite. I think that says something about where I am in life.

Must get back to that whole living thing now!

Latest Sparks

Hey blog, it has been awhile. I've had a lot of changes happen since we last saw each other. The biggest being that I hit the job lottery and life is pretty fuckin' awesome in that capacity. I'll come back to elaborate later because that's a cult post in itself.  I'm here now because, I miss you.  You're like an old lover. I miss you most when something bad happens and I don't know who to talk it through with. You will let me talk about it as much as I need without getting sick of me. Thank you for that.

So let's get right to it. I had another seizure. It had been about eight months since my last one and I was probably getting a little careless. Eight months is the longest I've gone since developing epilepsy in my twenties. It happened last Friday night. I think it was probably around 11pm because I was still up and walking around my apartment. I remember standing in front of my door, looking at my hands, and thinking "oh shit this is really a seizure this time" before blacking out. I usually am able to get to bed or the floor or something. Not this time. I usually remember most of the seizure and the pain. This time I only know that when I started to regain awareness I was cleaning a puddle up off of my floor and then going to bed. I don't know if that puddle was urine or blood.

When I was up again a little while later I was talking to my boyfriend very lighthearted. I think he thought I was okay but I was still out of it. I don't even know if we were texting or Skyping. At some point I felt my head and realized it was covered in blood. The hair was clumping up in scabs. I fell asleep again. The next day I got up, showered and cleaned my head, then went to rehearsal for the band. I know I thought I was okay at the time. I was having some sort of adrenaline rush. It was so strange. I went home that night and fell asleep early. Slept all Sunday. Monday I finally asked someone to look at my head. It looks like I collapsed on to the corner baseboard and scraped from my ear up my scalp. Then there are several other scrapes where I apparently beat it into the corner. Lot's of bruising all over my body and a strange numbness under my tongue due to nerve damage in my head. Frankly the recovery this time wasn't so bad. It's the emotional shit that creeps up on me days later that is torturing me.

What is wrong with my brain? I'm FREAKED out by my own weird behavior and things I talk about before the seizure. Why was I bringing it up out of nowhere with my coworkers? Why do people suddenly seem really familiar like I've known them before somehow even though we've clearly never met? Total strangers whose faces I know better than my family members. Why does it feel like my life is overlapping with other storylines and I'm getting caught in the deja vu blips? WHAT THE CRAP IS HAPPENING? Do you have any idea what it's like to lose large pieces of memory? What am I supposed to do when out of nowhere I get overwhelmed with panic and emotion but I'm not able to explain myself to anyone? I need to feel grounded and this is not the pathway.

Writing that last paragraph gave me a bit of a panic attack. I'm glad I still have this venue to release my insanity in. If I find out I'm in a sci-fi movie I'll let you know.

Change

We are all changing all of the time. We don’t actually have the option. Most of the time we aren't aware of it or we are avoiding it. People fear change. This is understandable because sometimes change means losing a sense of comfort. It might mean more work. It might mean losing sight of who you are. It could also be the opposite of all of these things.

Right now I’m feeling really good about the idea of a drastic change inside of me. I’m gaining a new outlook on myself as well as everyone and everything out there. I’m excited to hit the ground running in a million different ways and see what I might discover. Sure, it’s still scary but sometimes when you realize your life isn’t going the way you planned, it’s best to change direction. Take a road you didn't even see on the map before.

I’m screaming this out to the UNIVERSE! Give me whatever you've got to show me. I’m ready to learn and I’m ready to change the way I think. I’m changing the channel from reality television and I’m listening to the static white noise. The white noise has more to offer if I listen to it carefully. I've been somewhat successful in making positive changes for myself but maybe it’s time to implement a lot at once. It’s time for a big shift. Perhaps the planets have aligned in my benefit or maybe it’s just that my head is clear for once.  Get off the mule and saddle up on a jaguar!

About the Photo:

N49's Cosmic Blast 

Credit: Hubble Heritage Team (STScI / AURA), Y. Chu (UIUC) et al., NASA Explanation: Scattered debris from a cosmic supernova explosion lights up the sky in this gorgeous composited image based on data from the Hubble Space Telescope. Cataloged as N49, these glowing filaments of shocked gas span about 30 light-years in our neighboring galaxy, the Large Magellanic Cloud. Light from the original exploding star reached Earth thousands of years ago, but N49 also marks the location of another energetic outburst -- an extremely intense blast of gamma-rays detected by satellites only twenty-five years ago on March 5, 1979. That date was the beginning of an exciting journey in astrophysics which led researchers to the understanding of an exotic new class of stars. The source of the March 5th Event is now attributed to a magnetar - a highly magnetized, spinning neutron star also born in the ancient stellar explosion which created supernova remnant N49. The magnetar hurtles through the supernova debris cloud at over 1,200 kilometers per second.

I'm Yours, for Now

I’m playing my lovely Pandora playlist while working my glorious ass off and on comes a song that fills me with so many conflicting emotions I realize I need to investigate and get over it. So, here I am writing at my self- therapy blog trying to figure out what just happened. Join me in my insanity.

The song “I’m Yours” by Jason Mraz

Why on earth would I give a shit about this song? *Sigh*

I know why. This particular song became popular around the time I traveled to the Bahamas with Casey. Casey and I were very much in love back then. He used to play me this song and tell me it reminded him of me. I think he forgot about that by now since five years have passed. I hope he forgot about it because he still sings it every time we go to karaoke and if he is doing it on purpose that’s just cruel. It really was a good time but I can’t help the fact that this song comes on and memories come rushing in.

The Bahamas trip was beautiful. We had an amazing time on the perfect beach with jet skis and snorkeling. We went to dinner every night and enjoyed every moment. Unless we were in the hotel room, that is. During that trip I realized we were very different. He wanted to be seen with me in public and have someone on his arm but when it came to being in the room we might as well have slept in separate beds. Actually, I think we did a few times thanks to sunburns. It wasn't that there was an issue or anything. We were just different people. I personally want a lot more physical affection if you get what I mean. That wasn't something that mattered much to him. At one point we were sitting out on our balcony with the cool breeze and quiet. We were talking about what we wanted in life and what mattered to us individually. I thought this was a person I might marry but at this specific moment in time I realized we had an expiration date. That moment has always haunted me. It has a dark place in my heart that still gives me nausea.  We stayed together for some time after that but eventually it had to end for both of us to have the lives we want.

A couple weeks ago Casey and his wife had a baby boy.  I would say his life is exactly what he told me he always wanted. I’m really happy for him. I would say my life is going swimmingly because I’m doing the things I wanted. However, my biggest fear is that I keep repeating the same mistakes.  If insanity is making the same mistake over and over again expecting a different result, I’m clearly insane. I somehow take the most painful things that happen to me and then fall the hardest for the first person I find that contains all of those painful qualities or risks. See? Clearly insane.

How can a song popping up on Pandora totally wreck my mind so quickly? God I hold on to a lot of pointless shit. No wonder my brain malfunctions.Now I'm tearing up. Damnit. 

I’m only posting this here because nobody actually in my life reads my blog anymore so I don’t have to sugarcoat shit. Thank you online self-therapy.

We Are Hiring!

My submission for questions to ask the prospective new employees:

Do you drink?
Do you enjoy cheese? (We eat a lot of cheese here and bitching about it is unacceptable.)
When you are on the phone do you feel the need to scream everything? (Proceed with practice test.)
Do you require a lot of hand holding?
Do you wear shoes?
Do you get really nervous doing simple tasks?
Do you shower regularly?
Do you wash your clothes regularly?
Does your laugh make others uncomfortable?
Will stories of your love life entertain us?
Do you understand the concept of cleaning up after yourself?

Can you type?

Can you identify the ring of a phone and then answer?

Are you willing to supply us with a list of your fears?

When watching sports at your desk instead of doing your job, are you able to keep your shouts to a minimum?

If only someone had thought to ask these questions before.  Then again, we would have no employees.  

30 Years and Other Things That Happened

I haven’t been here since April? Holy crap, where does the time go?

Let’s see…..

Well, I don’t remember much about May. I must have been sleeping.  I did go to Chicago to hang out with my mother and celebrate. We had amazing food and shopped a bit. My mom is pretty f’ing awesome. Everyone says so. Then we went back to my hometown and partied. It rained the whole time so we did more eating and sleeping.  It sounds sort of boring without the details.......so I will give details.

Okay, in Chicago at dinner our waiter (Magnus) brought out a scoop of ice cream with a candle in it and had the staff “sing” (the song is a series of grunts) to me for my birthday. Then he told my mother and me to go to the bar across the street and he would meet us for shots of Jameson as he was getting off work soon. We did not do this but I like to imagine he still had a good time without us.

In the hometown my grandmother set me up to have a reading by a man at her spiritual “church” she has started attending. He was an incredibly nice guy that was beaten up as a child, which caused severe damage to his brain and limbs leaving him with disfigurement throughout his body as well as epilepsy. He touched on a lot of things in my life but in the end it felt like more of a therapy session. I mentioned to him that I felt odd, like we were sharing energy and then I thought he was going to cry. We discussed dealing with epilepsy. He kept describing picturing a tree to help soothe me. A few days ago I went home to find a delivery at my apartment door. Turns out, after the reading he went home and saw a gift from his mother that he felt I needed to have. He gave it to my grandmother and asked her to get it to me. I think it’s captivating.

Then I turned 30.

I’ve been 30 for close to a month now. I feel so different. It’s like adulthood overtook me and now I have to do things like contribute a higher percentage to my retirement fund and invest in a more professional (less skin showing) wardrobe.  Okay, I’m lying. I’ve felt 30 for the last five years so pretty much nothing has changed. I still show excessive amounts of leg.

 Classy.

Panic Attacks

All the damn time.

Can't sleep.

I wake up with my heart racing and realize only ten minutes passed.

I feel like an asshole.

* At work in front of my boss * In front of the phone repair guy * In front of my boyfriend (who does not handle me well like this) * On the subway * In the elevator of my building * Alone in the shower *

This is really embarrassing.

The panic attacks were around constantly when I first developed epilepsy. I remember very well sobbing in my room all night, afraid I was going to die and then on no sleep going to the office where I would hyperventilate and hide in the stairwell. I felt crazy. In recent years they have been far less frequent. They are usually triggered by something.  Ever since my last seizure they have been constant again but I have no idea why. Everyone wants to give me advice and tell me to get therapy and drugs. Thanks. I'm aware. I've been through this before. I will get through it again. I've talked to my doctor. I've discussed options on medication. I've seen a few therapists in the past. (I think the therapists bring on more anxiety than they cure.) It's my issue to deal with alone and when it comes down to it, my doctor agrees with me that given time I will adjust again. If I can find ways to cope for myself it will pass faster.

So, I say what is scaring me out loud. I work on coming to terms with it. I breathe and wait it out.
I'm still alive.

Notes from the Universe

My beautiful and always inspiring friend Darlene posted something interesting on the book of face the other day.  It was a note from the Universe. Basically over a decade ago someone came up with an excellent idea of sending out notes from the universe via e-mail and they are doing an awesome job at it. She said hers brought her to tears. I figured, I'm having a crazy-ass week so why not give this a go? If there is a time to receive messages, maybe now is a good time to open up to them.

So I signed up.

Today I received my first message.

Learning to disassociate your dream's manifestation from the illusions that now surround you, to release yourself from the burden of figuring out the "hows," and to trust what can't be seen, are the high watermarks of creative enlightenment. And, Carly, I must say, you're disassociating, releasing, and trusting like never before. Wow -     The Universe I'm aware of how impressively vague this message is, but who cares? I think it beautifully applies to all that I spoke of in my last post. Literally. This is what I have learned about the universe thus far in life, ask a question and it will find a way to respond to you. Dear Universe, Lately I have found you to be terrifying and awesome. You really know how to bring out the emotions in me. Emotions and utter confusion. I thank you for all that you are teaching me as it is the purpose of life after all.  Of course I'm writing with a request as I'm sure you are aware with your all-knowing abilities. Plus, humans are really needy. Alright I'll get to the point. Would you help me find another way into singing or performance in any capacity? I seriously started crying while watching The Voice last night and I don't even follow that show. I have zero investment in the contestants. I just felt jealous that I wasn't singing. I'm feeling stuck in place and don't know where to move. Will you please give me a hint? Much Love,      Knight

A brain that doesn't quite work.

Something is wrong and I can’t seem to pinpoint what it is. If you've been here before, you know I've been dealing with epilepsy for years. It is scary and it seems, at least to me, to be changing. Perhaps it’s the darkness before the light in the discovery and end of my battle. Perhaps it’s something else I have yet to identify. Right now, I’m scared but optimistic.

This past week it has been unbelievably difficult to get my thoughts in order. The more time that passes the more blurry my thoughts and memories become. When I try to put it into words the proper structure eludes me. I’m somewhat convinced I’m going to die. We’re all going to die but I keep getting this feeling it will be soon. This isn't new so don’t worry. I had this feeling all the time back when the epilepsy was new.  In the past years I got over it but something changed this week. I remembered something. I remembered just a hint of something that should probably be comforting but more than anything keeps me from wanting to close my eyes at night.

Friday I felt strange but wasn't sure why. I felt shitty and nauseous.  I got on the train and headed downtown to see my boyfriend as we had planned.  I was only one stop from his apartment but had to get out of the train. I felt disoriented and panicked. I was hyperventilating but trying to pull myself together in order to take the train one last stop. I’m not sure how long this went on but my best guess is something like twenty minutes.  When I finally did make it that last stop I got out of the train and made it out to the street where I was able to make a phone call. Luckily my boyfriend answered so I asked him to come find me. Another fifteen minutes or so passed where I sobbed and shook crouched next to a building at the subway entrance. I was too afraid to walk anywhere. When he showed up I calmed down pretty quickly. That’s all I remember.

Saturday I went to rehearsal and then home because I didn't feel good again. Overall it was uneventful.  

Sunday I spent the whole day in the fetal position with the worst cramps I have ever had in my life. Now, let’s rewind for a moment. I shouldn't be getting cramps. Over a month ago I discovered my epilepsy might be related to my menstrual cycle. Catamenial epilepsy is actually very common and after documentation of my seizures and discussions with my doctors we changed my birth control so that I would no longer have a cycle and never go off hormones. Clearly this didn't work.  All day Sunday I was in pain. I knew something was wrong. Then the bleeding started.

Monday morning at 2am I remember sitting up in my bed. I remember my arm going up and I had no control over it so I knew a seizure was coming. I remember thinking that I was falling forward towards the foot of my bed. I was afraid I would throw myself off because I have an outlet with various plugs right there. One of which is broken. I was afraid to get my face caught in it while seizing. I remember I could feel that I was still on something soft so I knew I didn't leave the bed. The fear was still there. I remember pain. The feeling of electrocution all over. Then the sound that is similar to speakers blowing out in your ears. This is all normal.  This is all terrifying every time but I remember it every time.

This time I remember something new.

I…. I really don’t know how to describe this at all and I’m not fully convinced I should try. Basically the new element to add to what is already a terrifying event is that someone talks to me. In the moment it’s familiar and comforting. I am completely without doubt. This time I remember it a little bit but frankly the details are so foggy I’m not sure what is true. I knew I was alone in my apartment and when the voice came through the buzzing to comfort me and let me know I was safe and not alone I actually remember thinking “How do I forget about this every time?” I know I always say to myself “It’s okay, you’re okay, just pass out.” This is different though. This is a full conversation I had with someone I feel intense trust towards. I can’t tell you word for word what was said but I have glimpses of memory and feeling.

It’s a masculine voice. If it’s myself I’m talking to, I feel intense love for myself. I trust it. I consider them to be much wiser than me. I immediately recognize them and know it’s familiar. I think they are only there to comfort me but they take the opportunity to talk with me.  I think I might finally be going completely insane.  I remember being told something was going to happen that day near me but not too me and everything was going to be okay. I didn't need to worry. I like being with them. 

So there is my admission. I have no idea what it means. I don’t consider myself a religious person. I understand that when people go through traumatic experiences you start to hear or believe things. I don’t know what any of this is but I’m not going to forget it. Take it for what you will.

Six Years of this Crap!

I missed my six year Blogiversary.

FUCK.

All this nonsensical rambling started taking shape here on 2/16/07. Since then we have discussed (I have written to myself) a huge array of issues most of which concerned me and my ridiculous life.  That being the case, I figure I will take this very special Blogiversary post as an opportunity to update the Blogworld of my life happenings.

I started this blog at the elderly age of 23. I am now 29 and getting closer every minute to my OH GOD I’M THIRTY mental breakdown. It will happen. It will happen because I go into minor mental panic every year regarding where my life is and what I’m doing with it.  Mental breakdown Milestone is what is coming this June. Huzzah!

I started this blog newly single. Then I got back together with the guy (remember Casey?) within a few months. Last summer he got married and very soon he and his wife will be having a baby boy. Clearly a lot has happened in that time. Now I am dating my hot Italian lover who is weirdly private about his identity and we are already coming up on our one year mark. Holy shit, how did that happen so fast?

Exactly one month after starting the blog I developed epilepsy. Things have been fine for the most part. I haven’t had a seizure since, well, Wednesday, but usually it’s not very frequent. I remember less when it does happen which gives me slightly less trauma aftershock. That means I sob less and don’t stay up all night screaming at the ceiling anymore.

I started the blog when I was still in the evil advertising industry. I moved around quite a bit and now find myself stuck in the very slightly less evil real estate industry. Whatever, a paycheck is a paycheck damnit.

I moved to New York in October of 2001.  I went to school for performing arts crap. When I started this blog, I wasn’t doing anything in that field anymore. Nothing at all. Now, I’m in a cover band that PAYS me to sing! Now that I think about it, I've done various gigs all over the city. I am a member of an excellent theater company that is constantly producing impressive work. I should probably be proud of the fact that they even let me in! Outside of the company I just assistant directed a VDAY Production of The Vagina Monologues. It was definitely a worthwhile experience.

Looking over all that has changed, I feel pretty damn good!  February in general is a shitty month for me. I usually get terribly bad depression. I can tell this by reading my own blog.  This year, I seem to be doing alright.  It’s all okay. Just keep struggling along and do whatever you can to stay happy.  At least, that’s my advice for now. I also have a continuous feeling of doom and self-implosion caused by my lifetime belief that where there is happiness, suffering and pain are sure to follow.  Stay tuned! 

"Missed Opportunities"

Going through old photos and belongings while you're feeling a little down on yourself is pretty much a horrible idea. Somehow, every time I start trying to clean out a drawer or something it turns into a huge project that ends up pulling out old memories and things that never came to fruition. It's a painful process. I should learn to just toss everything into a fire so it can't haunt me ever again.

That being said, I did go through all my old business cards and found some "missed opportunities" that seem particularly amusing almost a decade later.

I have some very vague memories of how I received the three modeling cards from scouts in Manhattan. I don't think I ever pursued them at all. I must have assumed they weren't legit at the time. Maybe they weren't. I had a bad experience with what seemed to be a scheme in my hometown so I've always been cautious about scouts in general.

The blue card is my favorite. That moment I remember well. I was on tour in L.A. and we had only been there long enough for me to check into my hotel and walk to a fast food place for lunch. Some guy followed me back to my hotel room and walked right in my door. Granted, I left the door open because it was the middle of the day and my cast mates were in the pool right outside. The guy said he thought I would be perfect for his "company" and that he hoped I would get in contact with him. Then he handed me this waterproof (sex juice proof) card with a phone and pager number on it. I'm just glad he didn't kill me.

Talking to Myself

I'm sitting here in the dark, as often people do, thinking about everything I'm doing wrong. I'm not living up to , well, anything to be honest. I don't think it's the whole New Year resolution shit because I've had this feeling growing for awhile. It has been slowly creeping in on me and causing that wild range of emotions that finally hits total depression and then feeds on it for awhile. It's familiar.

I ended up here to write in an attempt to release some of the pressure from my mind. I suppose, I'm feeling very alone right now. I'm surrounded by people but nobody I can talk to. Perhaps I could talk to them. Yes, that's probably true. I suppose I do have people in my life that I could reach out to just to talk things through but I can't do that. Everyone has their load to bare, their life to live, and this is the time of year when things always seem to fall apart for everyone. I want to be a supporter, not a victim.

It's more than that though. I don't reach out because I'm aware I don't really want life advice or pity. I just want to be able to vocalize my worries without judgment or suggestions of what I should be doing to change things. I realize that is selfish. That is what a therapist is for. I should be paying someone for that. Well, I can't afford that luxury. I will just have to talk to myself for now.

I have decided to post this because it occurred to me that perhaps other people have felt this way as well. If that's true, you aren't alone.

Should Isn't Enough

We should have the right to bear arms.

We should have the right to protect ourselves from dangerous mentally ill people.

We should, as a society, make the effort to understand mental illness and help those in need.

We should have stricter laws regarding requirements for purchasing combat weapons and licenses.

We should not force teachers to keep weapons in a school for so many obvious reasons I can't believe I even had to type that.

We should force teachers to consider special counseling for students who have a difficult time socially.

We should make an effort to learn from our history and take steps to avoid repeating it.


I want to be able to defend myself against a serial killer coming after me but I don't see why I need an assault weapon for that. I don't see why any average citizen needs access to assault weapons. Adam Lanza's mother owned five different weapons she could have used to protect herself but that didn't stop her from getting shot in the face. What she really needed was help in treating her son. Clearly we are doing something wrong here as a society.

That's all I'm going to say on the subject and this is the only place I will be saying it.

Catching Up ... Again

I have so many thoughts to write and yet when I sit down to do it they all fly out of my head faster than I can catch them. I would like to pretend it would look like colorful butterflies flying out of my ear all beautiful and intriguing. If I’m being honest, I think it would actually transfer into visuals of locusts swarming with agitation out of my ears, eyes, nose, and mouth. Not very pretty.

Let’s backtrack on what has been happening, shall we?  Let’s see…. I slept all weekend because I’m constantly feeling ill. I did make it out Saturday night to meet the boyfriend and his father who was in town visiting. We had a lovely dinner and then stayed out until 5am singing karaoke. I know, right? I love the dad and the occasional reminder that boyfriend can sing.

Political things! I tried to avoid most of that shit this year. I must say, I spent election night in the most unusual way I could imagine. I voted right after work in crazy-long after-hurricane lines. Total madness.  Then I rushed to my lover’s apartment where he prepared the most amazing meal that anyone has ever made me. It was seriously mind blowing in every course and I ate until I couldn't possibly pack another morsel in. That’s the downfall of amazing food and being gluttonous.  It’s like any drug in that you feel euphoric until pain and discomfort takes over. Totally worth it. Anyway, after dinner we ran off to meet his friends for a birthday celebration in a fancy lounge overlooking Times Square. I sat there with all foreigners as we watched the CNN party below us and the projections of the election on the buildings surrounding us. It was incredible. ‘Twas a highly unusual experience. We had a damn good time (with the exception of the previously mentioned gluttony and pain.)

Before the election we had the hurricane. Maybe you heard about it? It sucked. It still sucks. My story is not interesting so I won’t bother to share it. All I can say is, a lot of people out here still need help. I hear a new devastating story every day. If you are capable of helping someone or contributing to a wish list please do.  The thing haunting me is that 200 rescued animals in shelters are going to be put to sleep soon if they don’t find homes.  I get nauseous just thinking about it.

I don’t want to end on that note. Uh….. Thanksgiving is coming! That means two days off from hell! Thinking about who I’m obligated to and what I really want to do gives me anxiety but I’ve decided to do whatever I really want to and enjoy myself for the holiday.  You should do that as well, right now. 

Tribute Post NYC

Thanks to Facebook I'm going to end up spending the whole day reading little blurbs about where people were and what they were doing when the planes hit the towers. It's emotionally draining. I think the one that hit me hardest today was from a friend who said nothing but posted a photo of his smiling father. His father, a firefighter, who died that day. That friend reached out to me just two days ago. He was more affectionate than usual and I knew why but I didn't say anything. I didn't know how.

I don't have a story for 9/11. My grandmother called to wake me up after the first plane hit. I was in Illinois. My friends started calling to see if I was okay. They didn't realize I wasn't supposed to move to New York for another month. It wasn't my city yet. It was my future that was attacked. Not me. Luckily my family, although somewhat terrified, still let me leave them and move here a month later. That's when I started to find out what people who were here watching it unfold went through. I've met people that lost family and friends. I've met people that were there working. Firefighters, cops, nurses, and volunteers. I can tell you, New Yorkers are strong. Damn strong. They pulled together and I'm proud to say after living here eleven years I'm now one of them. I take pride in this crazy city. I love this place.

At this point I'm going to repost what I wrote in 2008. It fully applies today in the exact same way. 

New York City is the greatest city in the world. It's a perfect mix of every type of person with contrasting opinions, religions, races, and dreams. You can find anything you want hidden somewhere in this tiny island no matter who you are or how crazy your ideas. There is beauty everywhere in every form and plenty of people to appreciate it. I love this place. When I feel the energy radiating from it I am filled with hope and I see infinite possibilities. This place is a part of me. An extension of myself in some form. I don't know how many people can understand that type of feeling but it is powerful. All I want to do on a day like today, a tragic anniversary, is express my love of this place. I will remember- and move on, because we have to.