The Never Ending Process of Trying to Move On

When I started this blog I had recently been broken up with by someone that I had already fallen head over heels for. It broke my heart. I couldn’t let them know how much. We stayed friends and I think outwardly I handled it well. I started to see someone else but unfortunately for them I wasn’t over my ex. I couldn’t move on. As it turned out the breakup didn’t stick and we were back together within months.

I really had a wonderful time when I was with Casey. I didn’t doubt that the love was mutual and he became my best friend. I think for both of us it was the first relationship that showed us what we were worth, and it’s a lot. I adore his entire family and all of his friends. He was the only person I ever imagined building a future with. I wanted a part of that life.

Unfortunately things change. There was some sort of disconnect in understanding each other and I started to grow distant. There is no reason to go back into that so I won’t. We wanted different things in life and we had to move on.

Casey and I are still friends. We can’t possibly be as close as we once were but I try to stay a part of his life and attempt to keep him in mine. I think we’ve done a pretty stellar job at the whole ex thing to be honest.

Last weekend I was asked to meet for a happy hour margarita. It had been a few months since we last went for drinks just the two of us and I wondered if there was a particular reason for this meeting. One margarita in, the news came out. Next month Casey is proposing to his girlfriend during their trip to Paris.

I honestly don’t remember what my initial reaction was. I guess I was somewhat shocked because I didn’t know how serious the relationship was. I felt incredibly happy for him and selfishly melancholy at the same time. I wasn’t sure why. I spent the next couple days trying to sort out my thoughts and emotions. I teared up more than once. I finally just said it. I feel like I’m losing him.

Let me clarify. I don’t want to be romantically involved or anything of the sort. I’m thrilled that someone I care so much about found the person they want to spend the rest of their life with. I’m just jealous that I don’t know her. I don’t know that part of his life. Now that part will be his everything. Casey, like a true adult, is moving on.

I have a constant fear of losing my friends. This isn’t new. I've had this reaction before. Just not with someone I once thought I would marry. I know that the people I love are going to couple up and move out of the city. I’ll hear from them in a Facebook post and maybe see them every couple years. I know we all grow apart and relationships change. I know. And yet I can’t seem to handle it like everyone else.

I told Casey this (more or less) via e-mail once I had it figured out. Now, with his blessing, I’m going to work on getting to know his future fiancé. With that in mind, suddenly, all that selfish worry is gone. Now I can be appropriately excited for my friend in one of the biggest moments of his life. Seriously, Paris?! That’s going to be one hell of a proposal. She’s a lucky girl to have you Case. I’m sure I’ll soon find that you’re lucky to have her too.

“Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving.” — Albert Einstein