Not What I Expected

I thought this experience would be exciting.
I was wrong.

So, I'm in this play full of one acts. I was really excited to be a part of it because it has been a long time since I've been a part of a cast. I was all pumped up about spending time working on the project and getting to be backstage with my cast mates. I was looking forward to the whole process that I've grown accustomed to throughout my life in theater. That's, well, that's not what happened.

We are entering our second week of shows tonight. I'm actually dreading going to the theater. I've never felt that way before. It's not that I don't like the show. In fact, I think the show is rather impressive and high quality as you would expect from this theater company. The problem is that I don't feel like I'm a part of the show.  I don't know if anyone feels like they are a part of it.

My rehearsal process consisted of me memorizing my monologue and then meeting up with my amazing director a few times to make it suck less. That has been the best part of my experience. I've never had the chance to watch all the other acts. We never rehearsed together. I still don't know the names of several people in the show.  We never bonded. We don't warm up together. There isn't any reason to. Instead I show up, warm up alone, put on my costume, and sit full of anxiety in the lobby until it's time for my piece. After the show I change back and go home. Maybe I'll grab a drink with a friend or two and talk about the pieces. I do enjoy that I suppose.

Another issue I'm having is that I'm alone on stage and I'm feeling insecure. I thought I would be okay. I'm alone on stage all the time when I'm singing or hosting. Somehow in this particular setting I'm feeling extremely judged. I'm so afraid that I have to prove my worth. The hour before I go on I try to get into my character which is a very aggravated and negative mindset. I try to focus and sometimes it's fine but sometimes I think I might vomit or run out the door and never speak to any of those people ever again.

I'm sure a big part of my anxiety is coming from the fact the my ex is in the show. He is apparently screwing our friend that plays his wife.  That is none of my business but I have to admit it hurts my feelings to be waiting by the entrance those last few minutes before my monologue and instead of being able to focus I'm forced to stand next to the two of them as they rub all over each other. I really honestly don't want to care but it seems intentional and that's cruel.

Yeah, that's definitely adding to the anxiety. I really thought it was going to be a positive experience. I was so excited and proud to be in the show.  I suppose there is still hope that it changes and I'm suddenly confident and full of pride for our production. I love my piece and I want to do it justice. I'll try to make that change. It's in my hands.