You think your family is strange? Arguing and getting drunk is just the normal family way of saying I tolerate you for the holidays. That doesn’t make your family crazy. I’m going to be realistic. I don’t think my family is crazy. I think they are gross.
I spent the holidays with my family hearing stories about monkeys and goobers. Sound silly? Well maybe it is. Here is a story example: Apparently sometime recently my ten year old cousin was playing a game of Would You Rather with my mom, grandmother, and aunt. This is just a fun little car game to pass the time and keep the kid occupied. So the question comes up “Would you rather kiss a monkey or….” Nobody can quite remember the end of it because my grandmother and aunt get so “tickled” they can’t stop laughing. You see, my grandmother is from Alabama and when she was growing up they used different words for things they didn’t want to say. She then used some of those same words when raising her own children. So basically my ten year old cousin asked my mother “Would you rather kiss a vagina or……” and that is all they remember. Monkeys have such soft lips. So we went on talking about monkeys and their male counterpart “goobers” for a while. My mother mentioned the horror she felt of people saying they hacked up a goober from their throat.
Well anyway, then my grandmother is trying to tell me and my mother that bathing is better for your monkey as opposed to showering. Some hundred year old doctor told my grandmother that bathing is better for “cleaning her out”. I’m sorry but if your monkey is sucking up water like a straw, something is wrong. I mean, it might be a cool party trick but grandma doesn’t have the aim she used to.
I apologize. That was disturbing. Sharing with you all has become my therapy so you will have to experience the pain too. There were many other stories along these lines including my grandmother asking very seriously as I put on my bra if I got a boob job. (Side note: Why does everyone ask this? I mean, if I were spending money on my chest I would have gone MUCH bigger.) Oh, I was sharing a hotel room with mom and grandma. That is why my grandmother was witnessing me put on my bra. She then became abusively insistent that my mom needs an “Oprah Bra”. WTF is an “Oprah Bra?” If grandma said it I probably don’t need to know. She also mentioned at random that my now dead grandfather “ripped her crack”. AGH! Holy Broken Butt Cheeks Grandma! Keep those sexy tidbits to yourself!
Perhaps I should stop now. I have so much more to share but I won’t do that to you ya little goobers. Just remember this holiday season that it’s important to share and reminisce with your family. Get personal. Really get to know the ones you love. A disturbed and perverted family is a happy family. I love them all. Bottoms Up!