My submission for questions to ask the prospective new employees:
Do you drink?
Do you enjoy cheese? (We eat a lot of cheese here and bitching about it is unacceptable.)
When you are on the phone do you feel the need to scream everything? (Proceed with practice test.)
Do you require a lot of hand holding?
Do you wear shoes?
Do you get really nervous doing simple tasks?
Do you shower regularly?
Do you wash your clothes regularly?
Does your laugh make others uncomfortable?
Will stories of your love life entertain us?
Do you understand the concept of cleaning up after yourself?
Can you type?
Can you identify the ring of a phone and then answer?
Are you willing to supply us with a list of your fears?
When watching sports at your desk instead of doing your job, are you able to keep your shouts to a minimum?
If only someone had thought to ask these questions before. Then again, we would have no employees.