Tuesday, October 26, 2010

What's that scent?

Are you familiar with Pheromones? I use this word all the time so I consider myself very familiar with acceptable uses, which is why I was a little confused when I noticed my boss scribbling it down as an activity on his to do list.

/ˈfɛrəˌmoʊn/ Show Spelled[fer-uh-mohn] Show IPA
–noun Animal Behavior .
any chemical substance released by an animal that serves to influence the physiology or behavior of other members of the same species.

Knight - "Um, did you just write down Pheromones?"

Boss - "Oh yeah, you know that word? The dentist said it and we didn't know what it meant."

Knight - "Really? Your son's dentist found a way to fit pheromones into the visit?"

It had something to do with the dentist wanting to meet face to face so he uses the term phermonaly. I don't think that word exists. Even if it did I think it's a really odd choice of wording to use in a dentist/ young boy relationship. My confused boss was going to add this fake word to his vocabulary when scheduling meetings with clients. I suggested that might be a bad idea.

I was annoyed when he decided to assume that I didn't know the correct use of the word and that the doctor was using it correctly. I walked back to my desk and did the research. Within two minutes I had the dictionary and wikipedia pages printed out and on his desk. Guess I'm a little brighter when it comes to pheromones. That's probably because I know how to use mine. Oh, and just because someone is a doctor it doesn't mean they know what they are talking about. Always do your own research.

By the way, I use my pheromones to establish territory so watch out.

Friday, October 22, 2010

Cause you're there for me too...

So, no one told you life was gonna be this way....(clap,clap,clap,clap).

And that's about all I remember from this show. Why do I care? Usually I wouldn't but for some crazy reason I agreed to attend F.R.I.E.N.D.S trivia night tonight because the lovely ladies hosting it promised me wine and cheese. I guess if I want to be a girl I have to learn things like this. I doubt my Monty Python trivia and fondue party will ever come to fruition if it's all female.
I've been thinking about the ten years this show was on air and why I can remember certain things from early on but have no idea what happened to the characters by the end of the decade. I figure it must be that when it started in 1994 I was eleven years old and still watching network television while pretending to do my homework. I think it was the next year that my grandmother gave me the ever so popular Rachel haircut. I looked hot. Wait, I was twelve. I guess I looked "cute". Nope, it was hot. Anyway, by the time the final season aired I was turning 21 and had better people er, I mean things.... to do. You know, like drink and go to work. Now I find myself amongst herds of females with a plethora of knowledge about a show that aired for a decade and I can't even remember the names of the main actors. How can I compete?

I guess I'm screwed. Do any of you have any tips for me? What happened to that monkey they used to have? Does Rachel end up with Brad Pitt? Where can I find an apartment like that in Manhattan?

Most important of all, who am I selling my soul to? NBC?

Monday, October 11, 2010

Hey There Crazy!

I’m sorry tall semi-attractive black man on the subway, are you talking to me? I can see that you are wildly gesturing at me and very heatedly speaking non-stop but I can’t hear you over the breaks screeching. It’s 9am on Monday and I’m on my way to work so usually I avoid making eye contact with people but you seem so excited to fill me in on some sort of news. What’s that? Oh, you are God? That is interesting! Are you sure you’re God or have you just used a little too much crack in your time? I’m sorry, did I just hear you call that kid a very derogatory term? Sure he is dressed a little flamboyantly but I don’t think God says things like that to innocent people on the subway. You are right; I don’t understand you and I never will because you have serious difficulties with sentence structure. Please don’t get closer to me. Oh, you are Native American? I killed you? The hand gesture gun at my head is a little amusing but mostly scary. You might have a real gun in those gigantic pants and I would rather not see it. Now you are just talking gibberish and I can’t tell if you are threatening me or trying to inform me of something you think is important. Oh no, I’m so SORRY God but this is my train stop. Let’s continue this conversation another time. Will you still be this crazy say tomorrow morning around 9am? Great, see you then.

Life as a crazy magnet in New York is so thrilling!

Thursday, October 7, 2010


I’m a follower. In the most literal sense of the word, that is. All my life if someone knew where we were going I would just blindly follow them or sit in the car paying no attention as to where I was. This, of course, made me absolutely terrible at understanding directions or finding my way anywhere. I never remember where anything is. I’m not even sure I could find my way back to my old high school without getting lost. I went to that place every day for four f*$#ing years and I can’t remember my route? That’s pathetic.

I’ve been living in Manhattan for almost a decade now. I know my way around just fine in the city. Sometimes when you get out of the subway it’s a little confusing because you are not sure which way is north but you figure it out fast enough. Last night I was in a section of town that I knew fairly well. I found my way to the thrift shop sale and met up with friends. As soon as I met friends they were in charge and within minutes I no longer knew where we were. I don’t pay attention to which direction we are going or street signs or anything. This would be a really easy way to go about murdering me.

I know people say it’s a stereotypical thing that women are bad at directions but it’s not the directions part I’m bad at. It’s giving a shit that I’m bad at. If you know where we are going and I trust that you do then I can’t be bothered to pay attention. Does anyone else have this problem? Can you tell me where the closest train is? Thank Jebus for this map application on my phone or I would never find my way to the bar.