Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Integrity vs Time

I’m really trying to focus on integrity. I want to be able to say that I’m filled to capacity with it. This means I do what I say I will do when I say I will do it.  I don’t struggle with this in a general sense so I didn’t think it would be so hard. Wrong.

Day 1) I woke up early so I knew I could get out of the door 10 minutes early so there would be no way I would be late to work. Integrity means being at your desk ready to start your job the minute the clock hits your start time. Turns out, Times Square was shut down and I had to take the train to a different station farther away and walk back. I was five minutes late. Attempting to work this through in my brain has been difficult. It’s the very first action of my new attempts with integrity focus and the failure was beyond my control. What now? Continue moving forward is all I can think of. 

Now I’m going to look through my work and really push to make sure I’ve done everything I said I would and have no guilt for being behind. DEEP BREATH.

Day 2) I took a cab because I was leaving a couple minutes late. Got caught in traffic and a 15 minute cab ride took 40 minutes leaving me both late and with $25 less.

Day 3) I left early again. The train was delayed due to a sick passenger. WHAT THE F*CK UNIVERSE?  What are you teaching me?

Time is so important in my life and it’s awful.

Tuesday, January 28, 2014


I suddenly just remembered my real first kiss.

I don't know how I forgot. Maybe because it was so awkward. I have no idea how old I was. Possibly twelve?  I was dating the cutest boy, Tyler. I remember how he smelled. I remember it disturbingly well. One of our friends was having a birthday party at the local Holiday Inn. We had all been in the hot tub and I was wearing a really hot little patriotic bikini with blue sparkles and white stars. The boys were leaving and somehow it got psyched up amongst our friends that we were going to kiss. I have no idea how this happened.  Next thing I know I'm standing in the Holiday Inn parking lot dripping wet in a bikini while my adorable boyfriend awkwardly leans in and all of our friends watch from the windows. We kissed on the lips and I was completely mortified by the show of it all. According to Facebook, now Tyler lives in Japan with his wife and baby. Interestingly he still looks 12.

Do you remember your first?

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Life Updates

I don't remember writing that last post. I realize it was months ago but re-reading it was a little scary. I must block things out quite a bit.  It did, however, make me realize I need to get my ass back here more frequently in order to keep track of my life. So, here are some updates:

My job is fucking awesome. I love these people. As a lot of friends and New York family get engaged, married, knocked up, or move to other cities, I find I need more stability here and I have found some at my workplace. Who would have thought that was possible?

I mention my job because it's a huge part of my life and it segues into my epilepsy update. My last seizure was at a work retreat. December 7th we were all staying at a house upstate and enjoying a few days off together. Night one I chose to stay in a room downstairs by myself away from everyone else because I was the last to go to sleep and it was warmer.  I woke up in a totally different section of the house in an attic type space that was much warmer. I was the first up and went to take a shower. Upon entering the bathroom I saw my face in the mirror. It was covered in rug burns.  I started to realize what was going on.  I went back to the room I had fallen asleep in. The lamp was on the floor and the nightstand was thrown over.  To get to the room I woke up in I had to travel up very narrow carpeted stairs. I had a seizure somewhere and then fell down those carpeted stairs trying to get to the bathroom thus causing pretty gross facial injury that I'm still recovering from a month later.  That's all I remember.  I told everyone what happened. Later that afternoon I woke up from a nap on the couch and some coworkers were around. I could tell something was wrong. I had another seizure while napping. They must have been mild because I was fine and had a great time for the rest of the retreat. I remember nothing about them and I'm thankful for that.

Other than that shit, life is pretty good. I'm alive. That's nice. I've been reading and learning and trying to get better in general.   I've been thinking a lot recently about energy, neurology, and different planes of vibration. I think I might be a little off from normal in general. That might explain my last paragraph of my last post. Sometimes I feel I'm connected to something I don't understand but I hope to discover it eventually. Whatever the fuck it is. Ha, while writing this I remembered that in the beginning I used to refer to seizures as demons. Now I feel the complete opposite. I think that says something about where I am in life.

Must get back to that whole living thing now!