Thursday, September 6, 2012

Just... Blank.


People, Work, Opportunities, and Dreams. They all come and go throughout life. Unfortunately I personally have a huge fear of change. So much so that I keep myself from trying for higher goals. Perhaps it’s a fear of failure? Obviously it’s a fear of failure. No sense in denying it. I worry constantly about friendships and where I stand with people I haven’t seen in a while. I worry that if I don’t accept when an offer is extended that they will give up on me. I worry about that because I start to give up on people that turn down my invitations. Perhaps out of fear of rejection? We get older, our lives change, and we move in the different directions that are best for us as an individual. This separates us from the people and things we love in the now. I have a really hard time with this concept. My whole identity is wrapped up in the things I love now. Yet, when I start to think about my future, I can’t imagine one. I don’t see anything at all. Just…. Blank.

If I’m going to eventually lose or move past all that I have now but I have no future in site, what am I trying so hard for? Why do I bother at all? Everything seems like such a huge all-consuming waste of time. Why do I emotionally invest so much in something that won’t last? Clearly I’ve found my way back into depression. I’m scared of everything. I’m scared of what a waste it all is and what a waste I’ve become. If I listened to myself I would run away from it all. Yes, all of it. Even the things that seem solid and good, they don’t last so there is no use in setting yourself up for failure and rejection, right? No, that doesn’t make sense. Just wait for these feelings to pass. They will pass. They will pass. 

9 comments:

Jay Simser said...

You need a big HUG. So I am sending you one. Hope you will have a better day tomorrow and tomorrow after that. No problem is so big that a hug can't help. Hang in there.

reich said...

If you look at the future as something different from now, it presents itself as blank. but imagine your future was the now, and your now, that you say has so much good in it, was the future: even if there is so much good in it, it would look blank to you.
don't worry about the future, because in the future it will be the now. so as long as you learn how to live the now, you will never not be okay. the future doesn't exist, it can't exist, that's why it's blank and scary. when it's now, it's not scary anymore because you do know how to live now and how to live the now. i love you. you are okay, just find it in you. if you're not okay, that's indeed very much okay. it's where you are now. as long as you stay with that...well, you are okay.

I'm With Stupid said...

Well if you're wondering where you stand with me, I'm still stalking you and semi-creepily obsessed. So, there's that.

I think we all have time where we suddenly realize or think that the future we always thought we were heading for isn't there. We have to stop and rethink what our future should look like and what we want it to look like.

Jay

Jo said...

Well, coming from the advice I'm trying to practice myself, I think you need to trust yourself more...trust the moment to moment.

We're not supposed to know where it's all going, that isn't natural because life is always changing and full of people who are changing, and if we're really alive and doing it true to who we are and want to be, this means adjusting constantly.

Life is too unruly to fit a detailed plan for the future. Our society makes so much of that, but they do so by wrestling the thing down and pinning it to a page that makes them feel more in control. The pressure of living up to that is killing everyone.

Mike said...

'Perhaps it’s a fear of failure?'

Sometimes it's a fear of sucess.

LL said...

You know... you can always buy that Harley...

I hear the West is nice this time of the year. And I can almost vouch for the company too.. ;P

Only thing I can tell ya my dear is that everyone I know feels that way at some point. Ya picked a helluva year to stop drinkin'. *smooch*

Reb said...

I too hate change. Nothing to be done about it except try to make it the change you dictate, not someone else.

Let the future take care of itself, it's the now that you have to make sure you are embracing and enjoying. I know, trite platitudes don't really help. There is truth to them though, just keep on breathing. I hope you are past your depression by now, but if not, here is a big hug, hope it helps.

Knight said...

Thank you all for your comments. They really did help me put things in perspective as I received them over time.

Jo- Will you please be my personal mentor? I understand and adore you. It would be perfect.

Jo said...

Oh you made me so happy, I adore you too! We can mentor each other.

Email me whenever you want jo@artmustdie.com