People, Work, Opportunities, and Dreams. They all come and go throughout life. Unfortunately I personally have a huge fear of change. So much so that I keep myself from trying for higher goals. Perhaps it’s a fear of failure? Obviously it’s a fear of failure. No sense in denying it. I worry constantly about friendships and where I stand with people I haven’t seen in a while. I worry that if I don’t accept when an offer is extended that they will give up on me. I worry about that because I start to give up on people that turn down my invitations. Perhaps out of fear of rejection? We get older, our lives change, and we move in the different directions that are best for us as an individual. This separates us from the people and things we love in the now. I have a really hard time with this concept. My whole identity is wrapped up in the things I love now. Yet, when I start to think about my future, I can’t imagine one. I don’t see anything at all. Just…. Blank.
If I’m going to eventually lose or move past all that I have now but I have no future in site, what am I trying so hard for? Why do I bother at all? Everything seems like such a huge all-consuming waste of time. Why do I emotionally invest so much in something that won’t last? Clearly I’ve found my way back into depression. I’m scared of everything. I’m scared of what a waste it all is and what a waste I’ve become. If I listened to myself I would run away from it all. Yes, all of it. Even the things that seem solid and good, they don’t last so there is no use in setting yourself up for failure and rejection, right? No, that doesn’t make sense. Just wait for these feelings to pass. They will pass. They will pass.