Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Panic Attacks

All the damn time.

Can't sleep.

I wake up with my heart racing and realize only ten minutes passed.

I feel like an asshole.

* At work in front of my boss * In front of the phone repair guy * In front of my boyfriend (who does not handle me well like this) * On the subway * In the elevator of my building * Alone in the shower *

This is really embarrassing.

The panic attacks were around constantly when I first developed epilepsy. I remember very well sobbing in my room all night, afraid I was going to die and then on no sleep going to the office where I would hyperventilate and hide in the stairwell. I felt crazy. In recent years they have been far less frequent. They are usually triggered by something.  Ever since my last seizure they have been constant again but I have no idea why. Everyone wants to give me advice and tell me to get therapy and drugs. Thanks. I'm aware. I've been through this before. I will get through it again. I've talked to my doctor. I've discussed options on medication. I've seen a few therapists in the past. (I think the therapists bring on more anxiety than they cure.) It's my issue to deal with alone and when it comes down to it, my doctor agrees with me that given time I will adjust again. If I can find ways to cope for myself it will pass faster.

So, I say what is scaring me out loud. I work on coming to terms with it. I breathe and wait it out.
I'm still alive.


Dana said...

*stands up*

Hi! My name is Dana, and I have random panic attacks.

I've chosen the same path as you - breathe and wait it out!

Hang in there!

I'm With Stupid said...

You don't have to deal with it alone. You've got us. Hell, you've got me anytime and anyplace you want me. ;-)

Drugs just cover things up, they don't do anything to deal with the actual causes.


Gary's third pottery blog said...

oh Knight....

LL said...


jack mehoff said...

spew it onto the paper....we wont judge

and find something to offset it - find something you love to do/see/experience and do it often

Karen (formerly kcinnova) said...

I've been lucky enough to only have a panic attack once. It was scary.
The more I learn about panic attacks from you and others, the compassionate I become toward people who have to deal with them.

And yeah, therapists and anxiety kind of go together... lifeblood/lifework and all... anxiety pays their bills.

Mike said...

FYI - Epilepsy Cured in Mice Using Brain Cells - http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2013/05/130503230317.htm

Jo said...

I just wanted to let you know I read your posts even though I don't always comment because your words touch me & I don't necessarily have anything adequate to say...but I see you, I hear you.

I had panic attacks for almost 2 years following some traumatic events. It was really hard for me to wrap my brain around how such helpless, overwhelming anxiety could happen despite my super awesomeness lol...but it did, and that's just that. Love to you <3

Mike said...

Time to get a new bot friend. One who owns an fMRI machine.