Panic Attacks

All the damn time.

Can't sleep.

I wake up with my heart racing and realize only ten minutes passed.

I feel like an asshole.

* At work in front of my boss * In front of the phone repair guy * In front of my boyfriend (who does not handle me well like this) * On the subway * In the elevator of my building * Alone in the shower *

This is really embarrassing.

The panic attacks were around constantly when I first developed epilepsy. I remember very well sobbing in my room all night, afraid I was going to die and then on no sleep going to the office where I would hyperventilate and hide in the stairwell. I felt crazy. In recent years they have been far less frequent. They are usually triggered by something.  Ever since my last seizure they have been constant again but I have no idea why. Everyone wants to give me advice and tell me to get therapy and drugs. Thanks. I'm aware. I've been through this before. I will get through it again. I've talked to my doctor. I've discussed options on medication. I've seen a few therapists in the past. (I think the therapists bring on more anxiety than they cure.) It's my issue to deal with alone and when it comes down to it, my doctor agrees with me that given time I will adjust again. If I can find ways to cope for myself it will pass faster.

So, I say what is scaring me out loud. I work on coming to terms with it. I breathe and wait it out.
I'm still alive.