Thursday, February 7, 2008
I spent about six hours sorting through my playlists on itunes last night. It doesn't look like I did anything. Mostly I uploaded music folders hiding throughout my computer. Listening to all these old songs that have specific memories and moments in time attached got me all emotional and sentimental. I realized I attach a lot of baggage to specific songs. Songs I will always love for what they evoke. I'm sure some tunes I listen to now on a regular basis will always be associated with this period in time but I wonder what I will remember most. Hopefully all the good things. At one point last night I teared up and couldn't for the life of me figure out why this song in particular still had that effect on me. The song playing marked the end of a love. I'm very certain I no longer care for the person so this confused me but then I realized, it wasn't them. I was able to bring back what I actually felt inside at that time regardless of who else was involved. The same thing happened with memories of graduation, moving to New York, saying goodbye to close friends, and all kinds of things. I'm hoping that I can use this as a singer to bring more honesty to whatever I'm singing. Hopefully if I associate the songs I can pull some real emotion without losing myself. I've always had a problem with disconnecting. For most of my life I have been very cold and built walls to avoid expression. That has decreased significantly in the last few years but deliberate expression is still hard. So unbelievably hard. Maybe I have found some sort of key.