Friday, December 5, 2008

The Demon Returns

Sometime Saturday night or Sunday morning (I can't be sure.) the Demon returned and took over my body once again. I'm starting to think the demon has a crush on me. This time I was alone in bed and woke up because it was really hot in my apartment. My bed is right next to the radiator which is in front of the window. I'm not sure if I opened the window or turned on the fan but just like last time I was on my knees (now would be a bad time for a joke) on my bed when I lost control. The horrible ear buzzing started. I wish I could find a good way to describe that sound but I don't know what to compare it to. It starts small and rapidly gets louder and takes over. So I'm still on my knees and my head is turning as far left as possible on it's own while my arm forces it's way into a fist up by my face. I remember the muscle tension but I don't remember being in as much pain this time. It seemed to go faster. I was thinking, "Yes, I am having a seizure. I need to pass out. I just need to pass out and everything will be fine." Instead of "Please don't die. Please don't die." I felt my mouth foaming and my vision went out. Finally I felt my body collapse and I was unconscious.

When I woke up again it was early morning and I was confused. I couldn't go back to sleep because I was shaking but I didn't remember anything. My bed was wet. Slowly it creeps back in and as I become lucid I panic. I am not supposed to go to the hospital but I'm afraid to leave my bed. I want to call my mom but then I remember my whole family is about to get on a plane to fly home. I don't want to do that to her. I'm afraid to be alone. I don't why I was so scared. It doesn't make sense to me now but at the time I was wishing I had some place to go to feel safe. I called Casey really early in the morning and I felt bad about it. I just wanted to talk to someone. Telling someone something had happened was the only thing I could come up with. What if it happened again? When he got my message he called and then came over. With him there I was able to slowly calm down and I fell asleep. I was much better by the afternoon and emotionally fine. If he hadn't of been there I don't know what I would have done. Cried a lot more maybe? Thanks TLJ.The muscle pain went away quickly this time. It wasn't so bad.

So why did it happen? I never have an answer to this question. It seems to me that lack of sleep must have played a big part. I was up really early Saturday morning to fly back to New York. I didn't do much on Saturday but I wasn't able to get to sleep easily. It seems to me that the little amount of sleep is the only answer. If I hadn't been forced awake by extreme heat in my apartment I might not have had a seizure at all. I might have slept until noon on Sunday and everything would be peachy. I like this answer. I can live with this answer. I won't always get a full night of sleep but I know the importance of making it a priority now.

If it is a demon that is messing with me at least it is getting a little less destructive. If I hold a seance to speak to the demon should I vlog it for you? Maybe it just needs directions. Maybe I can bribe it with a virgin sacrifice or something. Unfortunately I think we might be together for life.

21 comments:

Micky-T said...

OK, you got chills running down my spine. You described that very well and it sure dosen't sound like any fun. It's very hard for me to understand that doctors can't put a reason, even a vague one, on something like that. I hope you can come face to face with that demon someday, and kick his buzzing ass right the f#&k out of your life.

Reb said...

That sounds so terrible. I am so glad the TLJ was there and able to come and calm you down. I hope the Dr's will come up with some answers for you soon.

Gary Rith Pottery Blog said...

Seance, burnt offerings, sacrifices, whatever you want: we gotta kick that F##ker out of your life.

Farmer*swife said...

Oh Knight....I've been wondering but optimistic. I just hate that for you! I've heard an electrical buzzing in my head when a sudden headache comes on or when my mind starts spinning.

That's what I try to focus on when you describe that sound. It's like the electrodes in your mind over-firing or shorting out -- too much brain electrical stimulus at one time. That's the best I can imagine it and that has to be just awful for you to go through.

What if you woke up hot because the seizure was already coming on? If over exhaustion brings it on? I so hope you can work out your life cycles to allow enough sleep.

I know with my own children how hard it is when there is no set fix or solution for something. Geeze, it's frustrating.

Hang in there you beautiful Gal.

furiousBall said...

i am dating someone that has the same questions about her own seizures. this is terrifying to me. if you're like her, you wake up not knowing where you are or what the hell just happened. usually injured, but hopefully just a bruise somewhere.

i hope you find answers amiga.

Jay said...

The whole thing is just so scary. And if it's frustrating for us that the docs can't seem to figure this thing out, it must be crazy frustrating for you.

Dianne said...

I'm sorry this is happening to you

Your description was so vivid! It scared me so I can imagine how you felt

I hope finding a way to sleep more/better helps

kcinnova said...

I hope your vivid description will be helpful to the doctors. This is frightening just to read, and I cannot fathom how frightening it must be to experience it personally. I'm so glad you were able to call Casey and he was able to come over and be a comfort to you.

BBC said...

Hum, don't know why that happens to you, perhaps you are a bit more autistic (not the simple dictionary explanation of it)than most people.

Meaning that there is some loose wiring in you that causes such thoughts and actions. The only demons we have are those that we create.

I don't believe in them so I have none. But bad habits, yup, got a few of them.

Not likely the doctors can help you unless they discover which drug may help you so that they don't occur.

Of do a lobotomy on you but results are not predictable. You may simply have to live with it the rest of your life, and you may actually have a long life, I've been here much longer than I ever expected to be.

captain corky said...

That's really scary stuff Knight. I'm glad Casey came over and was able to help you calm down and get some rest after that. I wish they could figure a way out to help you.

GMEyster said...

You're a beautiful writer, Knight. What a terrifying journey. I cannot even imagine.

TLJ is a beautiful spirit.

Knot said...

I'm glad you are ok and I'm sorry you had to go through that.

Knot

jezdez said...

Hi knight. I'm so sorry that you are feeling bad with this illness that cannot be identified. I usually check the internet when drs can't tell me what I have. I'm sure you thought of that already. But, just in case you haven't, I read stories all the time of people who have been told there is nothing they can do for them, then there it is right on the net.
I'll pray that you soon will be free from your illness/pain.

Real Live Lesbian said...

Wishing you peace and answers, sweetie.

Darla said...

I'm so sorry, but so happy TLJ was available, or made himself available. *huge hugs*

Tink said...

It pisses me off that we've come so far technologically, but we still can't do anything for this demon of yours. ((HUG)) I'm glad you had a shoulder to cry on at least.

tt said...

Damn!!!!! Your description actually gave me chills....creepy! I'm sorry no one seems to be able to figure this out. There it is...another part of life that's on my 'not fair' list. I like Jez's idea though...search the web??? this will keep me thinking....
btw...Love the new pic!

g-man said...

Well at least you were able to recognize the symptoms and are gaining an understanding, and bonus it was not as painful. I'm glad that you had someone to call, and that he was available. I do hope that you are able to get a grip on the demon.

cat said...

Oh, Knight I so feel for you. My best friend has the exact same Demon visiting her from time to time and I can say you gave a perfect description of what I have seen from her.

It seem most people who have this problem are very educated and physical people who have given the same example as you.

I believe that sleep has so much to do with our health. I know if I miss out on even a few hours of sleep it puts me into a state of sickness that I can't explain.

I can only hope that you can get this "Demon" under control and it sounds as if your finding some answers here.

Your such a beautiful girl with much to offer, don't let this get you down and know that you have all the support one could need here in blogland.

Love ya Knight, hang in there!

Newt said...

My company is working on an implant device to help keep seizures from occuring. It's fascinating science based on the pacemaker technology.

I hope you figure this out. Your post was so well written. It gave me the chills.

If we get to clinical trials I'll let you know.

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