Latest Sparks

Hey blog, it has been awhile. I've had a lot of changes happen since we last saw each other. The biggest being that I hit the job lottery and life is pretty fuckin' awesome in that capacity. I'll come back to elaborate later because that's a cult post in itself.  I'm here now because, I miss you.  You're like an old lover. I miss you most when something bad happens and I don't know who to talk it through with. You will let me talk about it as much as I need without getting sick of me. Thank you for that.

So let's get right to it. I had another seizure. It had been about eight months since my last one and I was probably getting a little careless. Eight months is the longest I've gone since developing epilepsy in my twenties. It happened last Friday night. I think it was probably around 11pm because I was still up and walking around my apartment. I remember standing in front of my door, looking at my hands, and thinking "oh shit this is really a seizure this time" before blacking out. I usually am able to get to bed or the floor or something. Not this time. I usually remember most of the seizure and the pain. This time I only know that when I started to regain awareness I was cleaning a puddle up off of my floor and then going to bed. I don't know if that puddle was urine or blood.

When I was up again a little while later I was talking to my boyfriend very lighthearted. I think he thought I was okay but I was still out of it. I don't even know if we were texting or Skyping. At some point I felt my head and realized it was covered in blood. The hair was clumping up in scabs. I fell asleep again. The next day I got up, showered and cleaned my head, then went to rehearsal for the band. I know I thought I was okay at the time. I was having some sort of adrenaline rush. It was so strange. I went home that night and fell asleep early. Slept all Sunday. Monday I finally asked someone to look at my head. It looks like I collapsed on to the corner baseboard and scraped from my ear up my scalp. Then there are several other scrapes where I apparently beat it into the corner. Lot's of bruising all over my body and a strange numbness under my tongue due to nerve damage in my head. Frankly the recovery this time wasn't so bad. It's the emotional shit that creeps up on me days later that is torturing me.

What is wrong with my brain? I'm FREAKED out by my own weird behavior and things I talk about before the seizure. Why was I bringing it up out of nowhere with my coworkers? Why do people suddenly seem really familiar like I've known them before somehow even though we've clearly never met? Total strangers whose faces I know better than my family members. Why does it feel like my life is overlapping with other storylines and I'm getting caught in the deja vu blips? WHAT THE CRAP IS HAPPENING? Do you have any idea what it's like to lose large pieces of memory? What am I supposed to do when out of nowhere I get overwhelmed with panic and emotion but I'm not able to explain myself to anyone? I need to feel grounded and this is not the pathway.

Writing that last paragraph gave me a bit of a panic attack. I'm glad I still have this venue to release my insanity in. If I find out I'm in a sci-fi movie I'll let you know.

Long Weekend of Sleep

Friday afternoon I was stuck at my boss’ new townhouse where they recently kicked out squatters. I was advising a cleaner on what needed to be done in this absolute filth hole. I did a little sweeping and such myself in order to not waste time. It was disgusting. I will never be clean again. One of the prior occupants is a crazy bastard who spent a long time on the phone with me. He told me women are only good for cooking and giving birth. I told him he was an idiot and if he had any women in his life that allowed him to act that way they were idiots too.  He asked me out to coffee. I hope to God I never have to meet him in person.

Friday night I went to a fancy fondue party. Delicious! One of my friends brought back a variety of delicious rums from Dominica.  Mine was cinnamon and I swear to you it tasted just like Red Hot Candies! That night I had a pretty bad seizure. I’m sure it had something to do with fucking around in that disgusting house full of pesticides earlier in the day but at least at this time I was with someone I trust and love.  I tried to sleep it off all Saturday morning. I went to brunch at 1 but still felt like crap. I ended up back at another friend’s place where I fell right back asleep with her cat in my lap. The cat love made my face swell up and my eyes turned bright red. Sexy. So I went home and passed out at 8:30pm.  I didn’t get up until 2pm the next day. So I went to my bar where I watched the Giants beat the Packers. That sucked. I also discovered one of the bartenders there is quite the douche-canoe and will not be privy to my conversation ever again.Cross me once and you get daggers for life.

After the game I had a fairly mild night which was followed by another 13 hours of sleeping. I had dreams about making tacos so I woke up and… made tacos. This taco making process of my dreams made the whole weekend worthwhile. I really love tacos.

So now it’s Monday morning. I’m back at work. I’m still really sore from the damn seizure. I’m pissed off. I’m pissed that my body is so damn weak that it feels the need to go into a dangerous fit that takes me days to recover. What is wrong with me? Why can’t I stop it? Why don’t we know the real cause? When will I ever be able to emotionally handle this crap? Can’t the lesson just be learned and then we can move on?

I’m going back to bed.

A 13 year old boy made me cry.

I haven’t been reduced to tears by a teenager since I was one. .. until yesterday.

I was doing my boss a favor by taking his son on a two hour train ride out to his friend’s summer home. He is a real sweet kid and we have met several times so we were pretty comfortable in each other’s company. He is a curious question asking kid but polite about it so I don’t mind. He asked a lot about epilepsy in general. Somehow I said something in jest that made him question my dating life. He actually asked how many boyfriends I have. I laughed and skirted an answer by responding with “Actually the guy I really like is moving to LA within the month.” Then we talked about theater or something and he went back to playing his PlayStation or whatever hand held device that was.

This whole time I thought I was being regular old badass me with my cold exterior and dark sarcasm. Either I’ve become totally transparent or this intuitive kid saw right through it. About twenty minutes later he turned off his game and looked at me with serious concern. “You’re having a real hard time right now, aren’t you?” I was caught off guard. Perhaps he was talking about something else? “With the epilepsy and that guy leaving, it must be hard.” When I caught my breath I awkwardly laughed and said, “Yeah, I guess you’re right. It is hard.” I smiled and went back to staring at my hands or something. “It will be okay though” was his final statement on the subject and he proceeded to watch Family Guy episodes on his phone. I didn’t think another thing of it.

I dropped him off with his friend’s babysitter at the train station. I grabbed some lunch and waited for the train back to the city. It wasn’t until I got into my seat and settled that I let it sink in. Suddenly I realize my face is totally wet due to the silent tears that are rushing down my cheeks. Damnit, that kid struck something. I’ve been bursting into tears at random for days but I just thought it was emotional backlash of the seizures. I thought it would go away. This wasn’t about that though. This kid saw through me and he is right. I have a lot of emotionally damaging stuff going on right now and I avoid dealing with it by keeping myself busy and never going home. If I go home I’ll be alone with my thoughts and that is the scariest place of all.

After what happened yesterday it has become extremely clear to me that I need to go to therapy as soon as possible. I’ve been putting it off far too long. Someone recently told me I don’t have to live like this. That’s hard to comprehend but if it’s true I want to try. It would be nice to have someone I could tell the whole story to for once. Not just the pieces they won’t judge me for.

Thanks Kid.

Why do I refuse to take care of myself?

That show I’ve been working on for the past couple months finally opened last weekend. We have seven more performances and so far the reviews have been pretty good.

Review 1
Review 2
Review 3
Review 4

I’m thrilled with how well everyone pulled together. It has been a great group of people that didn’t cause a huge amount of backstage drama. You know what bitches actors can be. I think for the most part nobody hates anybody else… yet. Overall I’m proud to have been a part of this show.

I let the stress of the show and other aspects of my personal life get the best of me. I probably did more than my share of grunt work and then tied that into going out to celebrate after rehearsals/shows plus a general lack of sleep. I have guilt and anxiety swimming through my veins thanks to this whole not knowing how to be single thing. With all that it wasn’t a huge surprise that I had two bad seizures last week.

I think the seizure/demons shook something loose in my brain because I’ve been a pretty emotional wreck since the last one. After the first I was okay because it had been ten weeks since my last grand mal seizure and other than being generally sore I seemed fine. The second one was worse. I was alone so I’m not sure what happened but I know I woke up on the floor in a puddle. I have some nasty cuts along my left knuckles and on my feet. My shoe closet is broken so my best guess is that I actually hit it apart while convulsing. I bit my tongue so bad that it started to turn black. That was the most disgusting of all.

Well, tonight I’m going to party like its 1999. That was a sleepy suggestion given to me this very morning. At the time I thought, “go back to sleep you crazy bastard” but now that I think it through it’s a good plan. I figure in 1999 I was 16 and I still had a curfew. So tonight I’m going to bed like a good girl and not sneaking out the balcony and into my boyfriend’s car. (Don’t worry mom, that only happened a couple times and obviously I never got knocked up or arrested.)

No wonder I have problems.

It’s 2011 Bitches!

I’m supposed to make some sort of list of ways to better my life or something, right? Why don’t I just compare it to prior years and see if I’m doing better or worse.

I thought I would look back through my little ol’ blog here and see if I made resolutions in the past. It seems I was too depressed to blog around this time last year but I did have a little something for 2009. Let’s take a gander.

My resolutions for 2009 (to be promptly forgotten by 1:05 am) are the following:
1) Find work in life that makes me happy.

2) Stop having seizures...somehow.

3) Replace the lack of drinking with even more sex. (Casey, this is your job. Oh, and apologies to any of Casey's family members that read this and may be traumatized.)

4) Meet a blogger. Anyone want to help me out with this one?

5) Continue having a wonderful life full of great family, friends, and bloggers that brighten it up.


Where the 2009 resolutions stand in 2011:
1) I have a temp job that I kind of like. I don’t fantasize about stabbing people nearly as much as I used to.

2) This seizure thing is not getting better. I just had one the morning of Dec 31st and I had to get on a plane back to New York that afternoon. I certainly didn’t party hard bringing in 2011 that night. I felt bad for my father who had never been around for one before. I know I don’t look or act like myself afterwards and I think I scared him when I wandered into his room and asked for help.

3) Why was there a lack of drinking in 09? What was I thinking? I’m indulging in both acts now although Casey isn’t involved. It seems sleeping with your ex when you are both dating new people would be frowned upon. I looked it up.

4) I met a blogger! It was only about a month ago that I met my first blog friend. Ben is an awesome (and hot) guy. He just moved to the area so hopefully I will be seeing more of him.

5) I failed at the blogger part last year but I’m back on track this year. CHECK.

Should I add some?

1) Continue working on my overall health. That seems like a good, vague choice. That can mean working out while eating sensible food and not doing massive amounts of drugs that will give me diseases and kill me. I’ll try that.
Eh, one is good enough.

Oh, take more nude photos. That will go on the list just as soon as I start taking better care of myself.

Happy New Year Skanks!

Demons and Parties

The Demon stopped in to say hello Sunday morning. I have no idea what time it was but I sat up in bed and started saying something along the lines of "Oh My God, Oh My God, Oh My God!" before the seizure hit and I fell off my bed to the floor. I don't remember a whole lot about this one. When I woke up I felt very panicked and I had to ask Sky (that would be the new boyfriend) if something happened. Then I cried. I was really thankful I wasn't alone this time. It's so much easier. For some reason I didn't feel all that horrible yesterday but holy crap today is painful. Every muscle seems to be pissed off at me. It's the sort of pain that any position you are in for more than five minutes makes you wish you had heavy duty drugs. Maybe it is always that way and I just don't remember because it's been six months since the last experience.

Let's switch to an upbeat subject shall we? A week from today (JUNE 2nd) I will be turning 26. I'm planning to have my party on Sunday in Central Park so hopefully it doesn't rain. It will be really nice to get all my friends together and enjoy the company. I fell like I don't see any of them nearly enough. Hey, want to come help me celebrate? I would love to see you too.

It's time to go back to bed now.

The Demon Returns

Sometime Saturday night or Sunday morning (I can't be sure.) the Demon returned and took over my body once again. I'm starting to think the demon has a crush on me. This time I was alone in bed and woke up because it was really hot in my apartment. My bed is right next to the radiator which is in front of the window. I'm not sure if I opened the window or turned on the fan but just like last time I was on my knees (now would be a bad time for a joke) on my bed when I lost control. The horrible ear buzzing started. I wish I could find a good way to describe that sound but I don't know what to compare it to. It starts small and rapidly gets louder and takes over. So I'm still on my knees and my head is turning as far left as possible on it's own while my arm forces it's way into a fist up by my face. I remember the muscle tension but I don't remember being in as much pain this time. It seemed to go faster. I was thinking, "Yes, I am having a seizure. I need to pass out. I just need to pass out and everything will be fine." Instead of "Please don't die. Please don't die." I felt my mouth foaming and my vision went out. Finally I felt my body collapse and I was unconscious.

When I woke up again it was early morning and I was confused. I couldn't go back to sleep because I was shaking but I didn't remember anything. My bed was wet. Slowly it creeps back in and as I become lucid I panic. I am not supposed to go to the hospital but I'm afraid to leave my bed. I want to call my mom but then I remember my whole family is about to get on a plane to fly home. I don't want to do that to her. I'm afraid to be alone. I don't why I was so scared. It doesn't make sense to me now but at the time I was wishing I had some place to go to feel safe. I called Casey really early in the morning and I felt bad about it. I just wanted to talk to someone. Telling someone something had happened was the only thing I could come up with. What if it happened again? When he got my message he called and then came over. With him there I was able to slowly calm down and I fell asleep. I was much better by the afternoon and emotionally fine. If he hadn't of been there I don't know what I would have done. Cried a lot more maybe? Thanks TLJ.The muscle pain went away quickly this time. It wasn't so bad.

So why did it happen? I never have an answer to this question. It seems to me that lack of sleep must have played a big part. I was up really early Saturday morning to fly back to New York. I didn't do much on Saturday but I wasn't able to get to sleep easily. It seems to me that the little amount of sleep is the only answer. If I hadn't been forced awake by extreme heat in my apartment I might not have had a seizure at all. I might have slept until noon on Sunday and everything would be peachy. I like this answer. I can live with this answer. I won't always get a full night of sleep but I know the importance of making it a priority now.

If it is a demon that is messing with me at least it is getting a little less destructive. If I hold a seance to speak to the demon should I vlog it for you? Maybe it just needs directions. Maybe I can bribe it with a virgin sacrifice or something. Unfortunately I think we might be together for life.

Catch Up - The rest of the answers.

There is so much to catch up on but so little desire within me to write it all out. I'll do the brief version here and work my way back.
1) I still owe you the rest of the answers to your questions.
2) I spent Thanksgiving in Arizona with Casey's family so I'll give you the scoop on that.
3) I had another seizure over the weekend.
4) It's time to promote my December show!


kcinnova said...
What are the best and worst things about living in NYC?
If you could live anywhere else, where would it be?

Dear Kcinnova,
The best thing about living in NYC is the constant energy pulsating from the island. Something is always happening. A whole lot of people with different backgrounds and opinions are crammed on to an island together and because of that you get diverse culture, art, lifestyle, religion, beauty, etc. I could go on forever. The worst thing about NYC is …hmmm… I can’t think of anything. Oh wait, I got something… it gets really f’ing cold in the winter and I don’t like waiting in the cold for a train.
I assume if I lived somewhere else it would have to be in the U.S. since that is where my citizenship is and all. I’m very fond of San Francisco and New Orleans. I think that is where I would find the most comfort if forced to leave Manhattan.

Mike said...
If you gotta fart, really really bad, and you're surrounded by people, do you do it anyway?

And if you did, would you be embarrassed?

Dear Mike,
To be honest I don’t know that this has come up. How often are you so full of gas and surrounded by people that you couldn’t possibly get away from? I guess if there was no way to be polite and get away from the people I would do it anyway and no I don’t think I would be all that embarrassed.

TT said...
Ever thought about trying out for American Idol?

TT,
I have to admit that it probably crosses every singers mind at some point in time but I never seriously considered it. A few years ago I had the look they might have wanted but I don’t sing pop music. They expect you to sing a popular style and I'm just not good at the popular thing.

I've Got Your Answers - Part 2

Gary Asks:
Very personal, because I forgot the details. I know you have seizures, does the doctor say it is epilepsy? Do you take medicine for it? Does it require you to change what you eat and drink?
Have you always loved singing, performing? Background please!
:)


Dear Gary (aka: The Pottery God),

I have had seizures but thankfully not that frequently and ideally never again. My neurologist does not call it Epilepsy yet. I guess they are not 100% sure on that. I take medication for it twice a day but honestly I wonder if it works for me at all. I have a feeling my seizures are more related to sleep issues. I haven’t had to change what I eat because I tend to be fairly healthy most of the time anyway. The only thing that has changed is my alcohol consumption. I used to drink quite a bit. I’m only 25 you know. Two years ago I could easily drink two bottles of wine, go to bed at 4, and be at work at 8am. Now if I drink as much as three glasses I could get sick for an entire day. Not always, but sometimes. I used to love vodka tonics with lemon but I can’t drink that at all anymore. The medication makes me unable to handle it so I try to be more careful. The feeling of being drunk never really happens anymore. I go from being fine to sick in minutes. I believe this is because of the medication. It does say “Alcohol intensifies effect” on the bottle. I just can’t give up the wine and beer.

I have always loved singing and performing. My mom was always a tomboy growing up and I think she assumed I would be so they had me playing softball, basketball, and whatever else. I sucked at everything. Around that same time I was singing constantly. I had a little toy microphone and speaker. I had a mic plugged into my boom box. We had a karaoke machine. You couldn’t get me to shut up. At some point my mom asked if I would like taking voice lessons. I must have been 8 or 9. Maybe younger. I’m not good with time lines. I never stopped taking lessons until I graduated from college and couldn’t afford it any more. My very first voice teacher invited me to a showcase of a local kids performing group. I remember going with my mom (I never realized until just now that it was always my mom, hmmm) and she asked if I would like to start taking classes. This group had me performing for years at local theaters, malls, fairs, and whatever else they could come up with. I also did every community theater show I could get into. It made my entire childhood.

After writing this I ended up on the phone with my mom and thanked her for always being the supportive one who got me involved with all the things that make me happy. She said I should probably thank my Grandmother as well. So Thanks to both of them and thanks to Gary for helping to point out what should have been obvious.

People That Deserve a Kick - and Gay Rights and Heart Strings

Last night on my way home I had one hell of a headache thanks to demanding clients. I was extremely irritable. Some days I wonder when I will cross that line in my mind that is currently keeping me from kicking people that move too slow in the ass instead of constantly fantasizing about it. I took my three trains on my hour trip home from the office and when I emerged from underneath the city I saw a couple people blocking the sidewalk with clipboards in hand. Crap. I'm used to seeing people in my neighborhood trying to stop people for whatever the cause of the day is and usually I look so angry nobody says a word to me. I'm good at avoiding it. Somehow, this time, they got me. I think curiosity sold me out. I glanced up for just a second to see what the guy was holding. The second I lifted my head I heard. "Hi, Gotta second for Gay Rights?" Now normally whatever they say I usually just shake my head a little and keep walking but I surprised myself. Gay Rights? Sure I do! I'm sure that isn't what I said because I don't talk like that but I stopped. I spoke to the guy for a minute. He asked me if I was aware that in 31 states it is still legal to fire someone because they are gay. Uh, no. I did not know that. I'm still not sure if that number is accurate but it made me think regardless. We spoke about ENDA (The Employment Non-Discrimination Act) I read some stuff. You don't need all the details. I was given a little packet of info. They gave me a senate number and said one call counts as 1,000 votes. After I do a little more research I'll do another post with info and the phone number. If any of you care. I walked away feeling a little better. I don't know why, I didn't do anything. But the last place I expected to enjoy a conversation was right there right then. Who knew?

My co-worker just e-mailed this article to me. For those who don't feel like reading it here is the summary. Some guy in Orlando has paid to put up billboards with a picture of the burning Twin Towers from 9/11 and it reads "Please Don't Vote for a Democrat." I think this guy is a crazy bastard for posting images of the towers burning on a billboard regardless of your political standpoint. It gets worse. The billboard also has a web link to therepublicansong.com (notice I'm not linking that here). You know what you find on the site? This guy is trying to sell copies of the song he wrote about not voting for Democrats. WTF? Way to get your point across guy. Make it all about you.

Sorry for that rant.

I was tearing up a bit when I read the newest post from a recently recommended blogger. First I want to thank Cat for directing me to the blog after my last seizure post. The blog is Looky, Daddy! written by a stay at home dad with an eight year old and twin toddler daughters. I might have made up those ages. I don't really know. How old is a toddler? Anyway, he posts hilarious stories about the kids and delicious drink recipes which are not for kids. What moves me the most are the posts about his oldest daughter who was recently diagnosed with epilepsy. In todays post he wrote about how she is afraid to sleep because that is when she usually has the seizures. I think I have posted about that as well. Now I can't stop thinking about this poor little girl. If you care to read something that will not only tug on your heartstrings but quite possibly rip them out, head over there.

Don't worry. I'm fine.

My post yesterday was just a little bit creepy so I thought I should start off today by saying, I'm doing really well. I guess the third time is the charm because so far I am emotionally doing great. I'm still sore all over and have a constant headache but all those annoyances come from crap like working, going to the gym, and supposed healthy stuff as well. So in the long run, as long as I can sleep at night and don't feel like I live in a bubble I'm actually doing better! I still don't know for sure what is causing the seizures but I can make pretty good guesses and try some lifestyle changes. I will see the neurologist in a couple of weeks but that is probably just to make sure I don't have brain damage. Just to be safe though, if any of you notice any scary changes in my blog like bright colors, lol cats, nascar conversations, or affection for children, please inform the Tall Lanky Jew right away. He can have me sent off to the loony bin for repair.

In other news, I got an AWARD from the hilarious, intelligent, beautiful, and supremely RAD Dianne over at Forks Off The Moment. THANKS DIANNE!

The Arte y Pico Award

"The award is given to recipients whose blogs exhibit creativity, design and interesting material and also for contributing to the blogging community."

Then there were a whole bunch of rules I was supposed to follow but who has time to read rules?

Since Dianne is the absolute best she already received this award twice so she decided to break her awards up into two categories. This is the category I was in:

"The first category is young women I’d love to adopt. Smart, sassy, sexy, savvy women who I would be so proud to mother to death – in a healthy, non-obtrusive manner of course."

Adopt me! Adopt me! I don't mind if you mother me to death. I would love it. Be as obtrusive as you want Dianne! I agree with everything you say anyway.

I wish I could give this award right back to her but I won't because that would be obnoxious.

Go visit Dianne. You know you want to.

Like Getting Hit By A Bus

I woke up at seven am yesterday. I felt odd. A little nauseous and shaky. I wasn't sure why but I couldn't get back to sleep. I watched some TV and did some stuff around the apartment. I made some rice in hopes it would ease my stomach. Nothing helped. All I really wanted was a couple more hours of real sleep but my head was spinning and I just couldn't settle down. While propped up on my knees at the foot of my bed I realized my head was forcing me to look as far left as possible and I couldn't stop it. I could feel my right arm was pointed in the other direction just above my head. I was trying so hard to look at it but I had no control. Suddenly I realize, I'm having a seizure. This is my third seizure ever and the other two were just a little over a year ago. As I'm sure you can assume, they are painful. I was still on my knees when I figured out what was happening and I tried to force myself down on the bed to ensure safety but I didn't have any control so luckily it happened on it's own. As I felt my left arm curl up against my body by my face I kept begging to pass out. I know what to expect now. First it's the rigid pain that feels like electricity jolting through my body followed by loss of sight and buzzing in my ears that blocks out all sound. Finally I pass out. This time around when I realized I was having a seizure and it was too late to move I kept begging for it to hurry up and be over. Several thoughts went through my head. I remember when the buzzing took over I kept thinking PASS OUT PASS OUT. I was worried I was peeing my bed. I felt something coming out of my mouth and thought I was vomiting or foaming. I didn't think about not being able to breathe at all. I have no idea what time it was. I have no idea how long it lasted.

Sometime later I woke up in bed and didn't remember a thing. I figured I had finally fallen back asleep but I felt even stranger than before. My body wasn't working right. My head was spinning. I was confused. I got in the shower and got dressed. Slowly I started to remember. I was still so out of it I wasn't sure what to do but I was alone and I was scared it would happen again. I spent a long time in my apartment unable to decide what I was supposed to do. Finally I realized I couldn't stay there alone and I better go to the emergency room. I walked out the front door, hailed a cab, and told him the name of the hospital I wanted to go to.

On the way I got a text from Casey saying something about that night. My head still wasn't working properly and I sent back something confusing and probably eerie "Im going tio thf hospital. anothes seizure." Being the wonderful person he is, he got in a cab and met me there. The story from this point on gets a little boring because I was in the ER for hours and nothing particularly amusing happened. I was happy to have my nurse boyfriend with me so he could explain stuff to me and hook me back up to my fluids. Finally I was discharged and made my way back to my apartment with Casey. I soon realized every single muscle in every part of my body hurts like I was hit by a bus and thrown several feet in the air before landing on concrete. I may be aching but I'm so happy. I'm happy I have such an incredible person to stay with me and remind me to ask for things like anxiety meds to help me sleep. I wasn't scared last night and I'm not scared today. I'm really lucky to have him around.

So that is what I did yesterday. I experienced seizure numero tres. Hope your day was a little more relaxing.

*Warning* Emotional Post

It was a year ago in March when I had my first seizure and in May I had my last seizure. You would think I would be over it, right? Well, obviously I'm not. It has become difficult for me to talk about this issue in particular because it still makes me emotional and I am embarrassed that I can't get past something so simple from so long ago because it really wasn't that big of a deal. I have somehow turned it into one.

A little background on what happened. I had a seizure alone in my room at night in March. I had no idea what happened. In the morning I went to the emergency room. They did some tests, said I had a seizure, and sent me home. I met a neurologist who did more tests, said he thought I was fine, and sent me home. In May I had another seizure at Casey's apartment, also in bed. He called an ambulance and I went to the ER. They put me on meds to keep me from having any more seizures. I will continue taking them twice a day for at least 3 years.

Now I should be fine. I take my medication and it has been almost a full year. Unfortunately I'm not. At first the meds were making me feel really weird and that made me paranoid. I didn't like that walking in a bubble feeling. The doctor said wait it out. It took awhile but I did adjust. The meds were nothing compared to my fear of falling asleep. For some reason I associate the feeling of falling asleep or just sleeping in general with the pain of having a seizure. Over the past year I have had countless nights of intense anxiety and panic. There has been a lot of sobbing and an irrational fear of dying. This usually happens when I'm trying to go to sleep.

I started to see a Neurological psychiatrist for a short while. This was when I wasn't having the bad nights as frequently but the anxiety wasn't gone. Talking to her made me mad and only seemed to make my nightly panic worse. She did give me sedatives that I tried not to take but on a couple occasions were a huge help. Every time I saw her I was upset all over again. I stopped going. I also couldn't really afford it because my insurance barely covered anything. I thought I was strong enough to get through it on my own.

For awhile there I was absolutely fine. I always take the meds. I'm able to sleep. I'm not disoriented at work. I'm no longer causing problems in my own life. Then out of nowhere it came back last night. I have no idea what happened or what could have triggered it. I have not been thinking about it, talking about it, or doing anything I think might cause it. Both Saturday and Sunday were very laid back days. Didn't do a whole lot. Ate normal foods. No drinking. For some reason when I tried falling asleep last night I started freaking out. I know when it is happening that it doesn't make sense. I know I'm being irrational. I can't help it. My heart wouldn't slow down. It was beating too fast and no matter what I did as far as breathing or focusing on meditating, it didn't work. I started to hyperventilate. For hours I repeated to myself "You're okay, you're not going to die." I felt like my brain was spinning in circles in my head. I caught myself holding my breath and clenching my jaw. I tried taking a sedative. Nothing was working and the last time I remember checking the clock was 5am. I must have finally fallen asleep.

I know I sound crazy. I know this makes people think I'm a hypochondriac. I just don't know if anyone understands how terrifying it is. It sounds like such a silly thing and yet it is tormenting me. I am doing this to myself and I can't stop. What can I do at this point? I guess keep living and keep hoping it goes away.

Like I said before, it is difficult to talk about this sort of thing. I find it very embarrassing and it makes me feel like a weak person with no self control. I don't want to talk to anyone in person about it anymore so I turn to my blog to get some things out in the open. Hope I didn't scare anyone away from reading in the future. I'll go back to the usual style of Knight Ramblings tomorrow.

Still Alive

In the early hours of Tuesday morning as I was drifting in and out of sleep I suddenly thought it was the end for me. I woke just enough to roll on to my left side when suddenly my whole body collapsed into the bed. I felt like I was cramping up all over in every muscle and every joint. I tried to look at the clock but I couldn't move my head. I couldn't move anything. This is when panic set in. I tried to call out to my roommate for help but I couldn't get my mouth to move. I couldn't do anything at all but lie there in excruciating pain. It occurred to me that I might die in that very spot and nobody would find me for days. I was praying that the pain would soon end and that I would make it through when I noticed that my arm was shaking. Was I having a seizure? A heart attack? What was happening? Finally the pain started to ease and I could think a little more clearly. I'm alive. I know I'm alive and I'm so unbelievably tired. Then I passed out.
Next morning at the ER I get an IV and CatScan. The Neurologist does some basic testing to make sure I don't have any damage. Diagnosis: Seizure. Could have been caused by any number of things but they don't want to treat me unless it happens again. I'm set up for more tests and referred to another neurologist for more review. Off I go back into the world with no changes made. Now I can't sleep at night because I'm afraid I will choke to death on my own tongue.
I can't help but feel like this is all supposed to mean something. What though? Am I not going in the right direction? Is the direction right but my vehicle all wrong? I really hope I get this figured out soon because I want to stick around for awhile.