Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Pointless Rambling Of My Thoughts

I just got back to my apartment. I've only been here for about an hour today. I'm not really the kind of person who enjoys spending the majority of my day in my home but over the past couple weeks I've grown rather dependent on the privacy and comfort it provides. I've come to realize that it's the only place I really feel safe. As safe as I ever feel that is. Perhaps I never actually feel completely safe anymore. This is the best I know of.

Do you ever feel like all you want is to be alone but once you are you get mad at yourself for choosing loneliness?

I haven't been sleeping well. I tend to stay up all night trying to sleep and then sleep during the day. I'm tired. I've tried doing all the things that supposedly put you to sleep but it doesn't work. My mind just won't be quiet long enough. It has so many things it wants me to do and it won't give me peace. My brain is a traitor to my body.


GMEyster said...

I need a certain amount of alone time, but sometimes, yes, I get upset at myself with choosing it over getting out.

Do over-the-counter sleeping pills work for you?

And, don't worry about your skill set. This is a sucky time to be looking for work, but things are improving...

Doc said...

Do you ever feel like all you want is to be alone but once you are you get mad at yourself for choosing loneliness?

EXACTLY how I feel sometimes....

furiousBall said...

I prescribe vigorous amounts of vodka and definitely coming to a party on March 6th

Jay said...

"Perhaps I never actually feel completely safe anymore."

This line makes me very worried. I feel like I need to fly up there and stand guard outside your door. Which I would totally do. ;-)

Farmer*swife a/k/a Glass_Half_Full said...

This also sounds a little like the "D" word (shhh, depression).

It is also the weather. In summer I am much more jovial and social. But, not when it is wet and cold.

Hubby and I just had a little tiff yesterday because I chose the house and chores over going out to lunch with him while the kids were in school.

I could stay in my home, even all alone, for days. Always something to do and I just enjoy it.

Keep an eye on yourself...

Anonymous said...

I've had plenty of nights and days like that lately. With a family to take care of, it definitely messes life up!
As FW said, it does sound a little bit like that D word. I usually begin to feel the effects of it at this time of year, even though I take medication against it. I think the only thing staving it off (besides awareness and make sure I get enough natural light each day) is the snow. I absolutely love snow, and we've been getting a LOT of it this winter.

Do we need to send Jay to NYC?

Reb said...

Yep, sounds a bit like the D word. Keep in mind that "this too shall pass". If you want to get back to being awake during the day, your best bet will be to sleep your way around the clock - stay awake later each night and sleep later during the day until you are back on track. That might help because then you will be getting daylight again. In the meantime, take some vitamin D and stop worrying about when you are sleeping, that makes it worse.

Have you considered a self-defence course? That might help you feel safer and more in control too. Otherwise, have Jay come and stand at your door.

Anonymous said...

It's a terrible feeling and not one you have to live with. Go talk to someone, even if it's your doctor. No shame in needing help.

Peace to you.

LL said...

Been there. Hard to slow the mind down sometimes, especially when you want it to.

But it certainly seems you've got some good friends around here. And Jay... :P

Knight said...

Yes all, this is depression. I'm aware of it. It runs in the family. I'm doing what I am currently able to do to take care of it. Thank you for the concern. Honestly the only medication I can imagine helping would be a bodyguard named Jay. If only I knew someone.....

オテモヤン said...


Real Live Lesbian said...

Here's hoping you find *a* Jay! Wishing you peace, my friend.

Farmer*swife a/k/a Glass_Half_Full said...

Hey Gal, don't leave us hanging. Just wondering how you are doing and where you are in...well, everything and all of it.

Check in with a post? Like I tell my Daddy, "If you don't feel like f!ing talking - fine. But, answer the D@mn phone and say so.

That way I know you are okay. But, ya' just don't feel like talkin' about it.

Goes the same for our good blog buddies. Just check in, kay? {HUGS}!

A Day in the Life of aFORMER Touring Ed. Theatre Actress said...

Hey lady. Good to see you still have this going. Hang in there, things WILL get better. Call me sometime. You're 3 hours ahead so I WILL be up.

Both Sides of Ben Marlan said...

i cant fuckin sleep for anything. it sucks but i've accepted it. i prefer the night (for working), but restless sleep is different of course. natural remedies dont really help. have yet to try sleeping pills.
I love being alone. Never bored. lonely means something different for me. Its one of my dreams to experience totaly alone-ness. Not like normal, but completely alone. driving cross country was the closest i've got to it and it was fantastic, but there was a "journey" feeling invloved.
Often my body is my worst enemy. its kinda funny, but not at all.
Do something different than you've ever done Knight.