Why do I refuse to take care of myself?

That show I’ve been working on for the past couple months finally opened last weekend. We have seven more performances and so far the reviews have been pretty good.

Review 1
Review 2
Review 3
Review 4

I’m thrilled with how well everyone pulled together. It has been a great group of people that didn’t cause a huge amount of backstage drama. You know what bitches actors can be. I think for the most part nobody hates anybody else… yet. Overall I’m proud to have been a part of this show.

I let the stress of the show and other aspects of my personal life get the best of me. I probably did more than my share of grunt work and then tied that into going out to celebrate after rehearsals/shows plus a general lack of sleep. I have guilt and anxiety swimming through my veins thanks to this whole not knowing how to be single thing. With all that it wasn’t a huge surprise that I had two bad seizures last week.

I think the seizure/demons shook something loose in my brain because I’ve been a pretty emotional wreck since the last one. After the first I was okay because it had been ten weeks since my last grand mal seizure and other than being generally sore I seemed fine. The second one was worse. I was alone so I’m not sure what happened but I know I woke up on the floor in a puddle. I have some nasty cuts along my left knuckles and on my feet. My shoe closet is broken so my best guess is that I actually hit it apart while convulsing. I bit my tongue so bad that it started to turn black. That was the most disgusting of all.

Well, tonight I’m going to party like its 1999. That was a sleepy suggestion given to me this very morning. At the time I thought, “go back to sleep you crazy bastard” but now that I think it through it’s a good plan. I figure in 1999 I was 16 and I still had a curfew. So tonight I’m going to bed like a good girl and not sneaking out the balcony and into my boyfriend’s car. (Don’t worry mom, that only happened a couple times and obviously I never got knocked up or arrested.)

No wonder I have problems.

Things.

It’s my birthday week. I will turn 28 on Thursday.

I spent Memorial Day weekend roller skating and cleaning my apartment.

I spent $50 at CVS on cleaning supplies. That’s how gross my apartment was.

This weekend I was told, “I think you are an idiot for not wanting to be with me.” Twice.

I bought a ticket to a Turkish bath this morning.

I’m feeling incredibly melancholy and I’m not sure if it’s the guilt of the ex or the birthday blues.

Hopefully my annual party in the park this Saturday will be as awesome as prior years.

Okay, that isn’t my party. That is an anti-war sit in. It’s in the same location though.

My day job got weird. Last week I found myself folding the underwear of a 15 year old girl.

Today I work on getting quotes for a woodworking project.

I dyed my eyelashes yesterday. I’ve never done that before and I probably risked blinding myself.

I’m always surrounded by people and yet I feel lonely.

The first waxing of the season is seriously painful.

I never did finish my tattoo design. I will though. Too bad I didn’t make the deadline.

Why can’t I find black flowers? I wanted to get myself a birthday flower but bodegas don’t carry my color.

I just got a craving for a cigar. If only I were a male advertising executive in the 1950’s. Then I would already be smoking one.

That is all.

Pointless Rambling Of My Thoughts

I just got back to my apartment. I've only been here for about an hour today. I'm not really the kind of person who enjoys spending the majority of my day in my home but over the past couple weeks I've grown rather dependent on the privacy and comfort it provides. I've come to realize that it's the only place I really feel safe. As safe as I ever feel that is. Perhaps I never actually feel completely safe anymore. This is the best I know of.

Do you ever feel like all you want is to be alone but once you are you get mad at yourself for choosing loneliness?

I haven't been sleeping well. I tend to stay up all night trying to sleep and then sleep during the day. I'm tired. I've tried doing all the things that supposedly put you to sleep but it doesn't work. My mind just won't be quiet long enough. It has so many things it wants me to do and it won't give me peace. My brain is a traitor to my body.

I've Got Your Answers - Part Who The Hell Can Remember

cat asks:
Jay kinda took my question. I would love to read the story of what brought you to N.Y.

What took you into singing and acting. Where are you from? How long have you lived in N.Y.

Did you have friends that brought you there?

I think you have a good and inspiring story too tell.

Dear Cat,
You can read my answer to Jay’s question in PART 2. I know switching screens is a pain in the ass sometimes so the brief version is, I always wanted to live in a big city and when the opportunity came to attend school in New York I moved out here at 18. It’s been seven years now. I’ve been singing and acting all my life and that is really why I came to New York. I wrote about that in the answer to a question as well but now things are starting to blur together. When I moved out here I didn’t know a single person in the city. Now I have a whole urban family of friends that I’ve built over time. I grew up in Illinois. I spent my entire childhood in The Quad Cities. Not a small town but not a big city. Not big enough for me. I don’t know that my story is inspiring. I was at a time in my life where things were supposed to change and I knew what I wanted so I did it. I made the right choice.

Michael Knight Rambo asks:
Why is my pee black?
Back when it was bright green it used to be fine, but now when it gets rusty red/brown or darker, it really hurts.
It feels as if I have chomping pitbulls with poisonous porcupine quills that are on fire passing through my urethra.
I'm too embarrassed to see my doctor.
Can you help?

Dear Michael Knight Rambo,
Have you been drinking motor oil? If so you should probably stop and you might go back to normal. You also might have leprosy. For safety’s sake I suggest you double bag your favorite parts to ensure you don’t infect others and more importantly, so that nothing falls off. I suggest a strict diet of nothing. No water or food. You will urinate less and eventually the burning will stop because you will be deceased.

minijonb asks:
What person from your past would least like to see walking down the street... and why?

And the flip side... who do you really want to catch up with that you haven't seen in ages?

Dear Minijonb,
There are quite a few people I never want to run into again. One would be my old roommate from France. She was really annoying and I was so thrilled the day we moved away from her horrible voice. I hope I never run into my ex that was a millionaire. That money gives him the power to do whatever he wants and he was so manipulative and angry towards me in the end. The thought of him makes me a little nauseous.
I can think of a few people I would really like to catch up with that I have not seen in a few years but it’s harder to come up with someone I haven’t seen in ages. *Insert ten minute pause of thinking.* Okay, I got one! One of my vocal coaches I had through junior high and high school was a really wonderful woman and I find myself thinking of her every now and then. I thought of her and her husband as a really cool and eclectic old couple. She taught voice lessons to people of all ages in her own living room. Her husband was a wood carver, hypnotist, therapist, and so many other things I don’t even remember. They were the sweetest people and Mrs. Grossman would tell me these wonderful stories about her life that showed how in love she and her husband were. He grew very ill and she started having problems as well. When Mr. Grossman died I went to the visitation and was shocked to see Mrs. Grossman was now in a wheelchair due to a bad hip. She stopped teaching and I haven’t seen her since. I have always wanted to speak to her to let her know how much she influenced my life but I don’t know where to find her.

Brain Dead

I have been vlogging to hide the unfortunate yet obvious truth that I have nothing to blog about. It is sad but true. My mind is revolving around change right now. Hopefully it will happen. The first step was finally getting my cabaret booked. It all seems to be going well. I signed the contract today and worked on a flyer in the ever so classy paint program. Considering I have no idea what I'm doing and the software is crap I'm pretty happy with the outcome.




Yeah, I know you probably can't see the red text. It changes with each computer I move it to. I'll work on it later.

I learned today through AOL News that the worlds oldest blogger recently passed away at the age of 108.
She wrote her last entry just two weeks before. I looked up the blog here to see the sorts of things she wrote about and it is very heart warming. I'm incredibly surprised someone that age would use the internet not to mention regularly update a blog. Maybe I'm being ageist. My point is, I thought it was an interesting story to share.

Look, I didn't sleep at all last night. I am a jittery odd mess but I'm trying to fill in a blog entry and get the juices flowing. Guess what, it doesn't seem to work that way. Have I written this before? Am I repeating myself? Where am I?