Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Personal Notes

I hang out in bars and write to myself. I’ve been doing it for years. I carry around little notebooks or write on napkins. Then months or years later I can look back and see what a nutcase I am. Today I started looking through a little notebook. Let me share some excerpts that are in no way in any sort of order.

July 2009 at Primehouse – Cout Du Rhone
This month, for the very first time in my life, I feel old. That scares me. I don’t think I have much to show for my age. I wanted to have more to say by now. I’ve been in New York for almost eight years. I love it more intensely now than ever before. So many people tell me they want to get out of the city to own a home or take a break. I’m not shocked I haven’t burned out but I guess I sort of believed I would start feeling that way. Relationships are odd. After the things Sky said over the past few days I’m thinking he actually really cares now. I’m still careful though. I often think this might not work once I’m employed. He has a lot of things that come before me and when I’m too busy to follow him around things might go to shit. I know why I’m having such a hard time finding a job or even looking for one. I have no idea what I want to do. I’m fucked.

April 2011 at Bourbon Street – Heineken
I am endless trouble. What am I doing? I mean, I’m happy. I’m having a great time. BUT with how I am I can’t help but wonder when the shit will hit the fan and how. I really need to remember to keep being careful and not spiral downward into some dark abyss.

November (no year) at Park Bar – Shiraz
I’m thinking too much about Casey and his lack of desire to see me. I’m not sure why I care. I like to be alone but when it comes to him I worry easy. There seems to be too much making me believe it is all temporary. I know he needs to be around people but in never needs to be me.

December 2009- Primehouse Cabernet Sauvignon
 Where would that leave me? Alone in my apartment all day I guess. I wonder what is next in store for me. Maybe I should get a job at the bar. That would help me make my life utterly pointless. I’m just upsetting myself. I mean it all but it’s so damn upsetting. You Know? I’m actually scared.
January 2009 at Birdland – Cabernet
I’m seeing the Monty Alexander Trio with Casey. I love it! The clarity. The Timing. The blending. The song risk. They are very talented musicians. I feel it in my spine. The tingle that starts in the chest and moves in both directions numbing but exciting everything as it spreads.

March 2011 Bourbon Street – Heineken
Why does this keep happening? I’m a danger to others.

September 2009 Stone Creek- Dirty Martini
I know space makes me forget the pain and anger but I just can’t help feeling guilty. I think he treated me better than anyone else ever will. I’m tired. People are here now. I have to stop.


I guess I write mostly when I’m depressed. I’ve never shared any of this with anyone. I’m hoping this little purge will be to my benefit.

Love,
Knight 

12 comments:

LL said...

If only you'd get that Hog... I could tell you what I really think. ;)

Mike said...

It's good you have an outlet when you're depressed. I'm 33 years old and I'm still trying to find mine.

I'm With Stupid said...

Garrison Keillor said once that he didn't know why anyone ever tried to write when they WEREN'T depressed. It's the best time to do it.

Jay

Mike said...

'I guess I write mostly when I’m depressed.'

Go with the flow. Irritate your depression by using it.

Gary's third pottery blog said...

" too much about Casey and his lack of desire to see me"
Casey = NUTS :) happy Thanksgiving Knight!

Moooooog35 said...

That was really cool.

Here's to hoping someday you open that notebook and find a napkin that says, "Slept with moooooog. Well worth it."

Happy Thanksgiving, beautiful.

Dianne said...

I love what Mike said about annoying your depression by using it!

I love the way you write and maybe one day you'll start to thread all the notebooks together and see a pattern or a clue or a light
I see light from you all the time
You make me smile with your kind comments and your lust for a certain son of some hot old broad

I showed Hope your pic and she said "she's beautiful, like the princess on TV"
kid is smart

jack mehoff said...

i love it. its personal without being to invaisive. the whole idea of it, a date, a drink and a thought or two. this would make a really cool book - the original pieces of paper all bound together.

its scary putting yourself out there with so many who know you reading it, but we write simply to get it out, and it doesnt truly stop festering inside of us until someone else has read it. and at times, that someone else is just you, years from now.

happy turkey day!

spokalulu said...

The only good songs I've written were from down times.
Learning from our past is how we grow. But I am curious why you think you are trouble and a danger to others.

Also? I love that you wrote down what you were drinking at the time.

Reb said...

An interesting peek into your life. Like Karen, I like that you wrote what you were drinking at the time. I think you are far from being a nutcase though.

Jo said...

I thought I'd be popping in to write you some happy nonsense after so long away, but this post just sucked me in. It's kind of beautiful.

I hope you haven't totally forgotten me. I've missed you & your blog.

Knight said...

Of course I haven't forgotten you JO! I've missed you! I still check in on your blog just to see if you ever dropped back in. I've missed you lovely!