Hello My Loves

VD Has come and gone. It’s the Day of Valentine’s and Venereal Disease. I hope you enjoyed yours!

Mine was perfectly lovely for the most part.

Negative Points of Evil Corporate Love Day:

I had a seizure in the morning. The first one Mike was ever witness to. It seems it was very mild.

I was late to work and in pain most of the day.

My ex was writing shit that pertained to me on Facebook and generally it seems he feels very sorry for himself which affects me negatively because I can’t stop reaching out.

A friend’s mother is very close to passing away.

Positive Points of Evil Corporate Love Day:

Mom sent me Egyptian cotton bedding and new pillows!

I had a date Monday night with Mike at Fatty Crab and we ripped apart a sea creature together. 

I was asked to buy flowers and candy for the office so we had a hideous bouquet and red velvet cupcakes.

I sent out little messages to at least a dozen friends.

The first Lodge Meeting in months was held at 5:30. It was beautiful.

My gorgeous friends Mojo and Lisa invited me over to their fest of bubbly, chocolate, and cheese spread. We drank and laughed while talking over a fundraiser coming up soon.

I got home at 1am.

The good outweighs the bad.

Not such a terrible holiday this time around and it’s all thanks to my many bitchin’ friends!

Happy hump holiday to you.

- Knight

Personal Notes

I hang out in bars and write to myself. I’ve been doing it for years. I carry around little notebooks or write on napkins. Then months or years later I can look back and see what a nutcase I am. Today I started looking through a little notebook. Let me share some excerpts that are in no way in any sort of order.

July 2009 at Primehouse – Cout Du Rhone

This month, for the very first time in my life, I feel old. That scares me. I don’t think I have much to show for my age. I wanted to have more to say by now. I’ve been in New York for almost eight years. I love it more intensely now than ever before. So many people tell me they want to get out of the city to own a home or take a break. I’m not shocked I haven’t burned out but I guess I sort of believed I would start feeling that way. Relationships are odd. After the things Sky said over the past few days I’m thinking he actually really cares now. I’m still careful though. I often think this might not work once I’m employed. He has a lot of things that come before me and when I’m too busy to follow him around things might go to shit. I know why I’m having such a hard time finding a job or even looking for one. I have no idea what I want to do. I’m fucked.

April 2011 at Bourbon Street – Heineken

I am endless trouble. What am I doing? I mean, I’m happy. I’m having a great time. BUT with how I am I can’t help but wonder when the shit will hit the fan and how. I really need to remember to keep being careful and not spiral downward into some dark abyss.

November (no year) at Park Bar – Shiraz

I’m thinking too much about Casey and his lack of desire to see me. I’m not sure why I care. I like to be alone but when it comes to him I worry easy. There seems to be too much making me believe it is all temporary. I know he needs to be around people but in never needs to be me.

December 2009- Primehouse Cabernet Sauvignon

 Where would that leave me? Alone in my apartment all day I guess. I wonder what is next in store for me. Maybe I should get a job at the bar. That would help me make my life utterly pointless. I’m just upsetting myself. I mean it all but it’s so damn upsetting. You Know? I’m actually scared.

January 2009 at Birdland – Cabernet

I’m seeing the Monty Alexander Trio with Casey. I love it! The clarity. The Timing. The blending. The song risk. They are very talented musicians. I feel it in my spine. The tingle that starts in the chest and moves in both directions numbing but exciting everything as it spreads.

March 2011 Bourbon Street – Heineken

Why does this keep happening? I’m a danger to others.

September 2009 Stone Creek- Dirty Martini

I know space makes me forget the pain and anger but I just can’t help feeling guilty. I think he treated me better than anyone else ever will. I’m tired. People are here now. I have to stop.

I guess I write mostly when I’m depressed. I’ve never shared any of this with anyone. I’m hoping this little purge will be to my benefit.

Love,

Knight 

Love me like a song.

The most flattering thing happened to me today. A friend and old lover that I haven’t seen in several years was chatting with me via instant message. I don’t quite remember how it came about but he informed me that a song on his last CD was about me. Granted this was recorded four years ago but still it surprised me because he had never mentioned it before. I, of course, wanted to hear it immediately and since I don’t have itunes at work I had to search sites for a sound bite. It was ten minutes of absolutely gorgeous and creative jazz bliss. I’m still blushing that anyone could possibly hear that and think of me. I only wish I had known then.

This isn’t the first time someone wrote/composed a song about me. I’ve dated more than a few musicians and some of them might be a little bitter. Some just share too much. I remember going to see an ex’s band at a big venue and standing with his current girlfriend watching her sing along to a song about our sex life. That was strange.

I used to beg Sky not to write a song about me because I was afraid of what he would say. Some of his stuff is hilarious but other pieces force me to wonder who they are about. He claims nobody. I have a hard time believing that. I remember he told me once that usually when he was dating someone they would keep asking for him to write a song. That’s a lot of pressure. Plus if it was any good he would be performing it at his gigs and all your friends would know. It seems so personal and yet you share it with everyone. See, this is why I don’t write my own music. I’m incapable of sharing my emotions.

Still, I’m so completely flattered.

The Holidays - A Break?

The Holidays are so damn busy. I went to visit the family in my hometown for six days and I feel like I was there for only three. Too bad it doesn't go by that quickly when I'm at work.

I flew out on Tuesday and was lucky enough to be on the only flight that wasn't canceled that day. My luggage wasn't as lucky but it only took an extra day to get it. Oh well. On Christmas eve my Mother's side of the family meets at my Grandmother's house where we eat a meal of Mexican food and take a twenty minute break to open gifts. I somehow got out of the clean up crew this year because I was busy upstairs wrapping the gifts for my parents. It isn't that difficult because there are only ten of us so I don't feel bad. I think we were out of there by eight.

Christmas morning is the best. It's just me, my parents, and my brother. Mom didn't feel like pulling the fake tree out of the attic this year which is fine with us. After we moved away she bought a very modern fake tree and she leaves all the decorations on, throws a big bag over it, and stores it that way. We don't really care if there is a tree or not as long as we have champagne. We drink mimosas and eat quiche while opening gifts and this year Cold Case Files was on TV. That gives the room ambiance while we thank each other for whatever we got.

I got some really fantastic gifts. One of which was a photo shoot with Teresa at Wiz of Oz Photography. I never got out of the dress up stage of life so this was the most fun I could imagine having. I told Teresa I was up for whatever since I didn't have any intention of using the photos for something specific. She put me in this black dress she found at Goodwill and the next thing I know I have a new header for my blog! I have seen about four of the photos so far and will get the rest in a couple months. Here is one of my favorites.


Later Christmas day we usually celebrate with my Dad's side of the family but all my cousins got married and started having babies so it is harder to get together. We went to visit my grandparents and saw a few relatives. My aunt's cooky boyfriend never even came into the house to say hello to anyone. He hid outside. We were not offended or anything but it was pretty funny. Christmas night we always spent tearing down all the decorations during my childhood. Since there weren't any this year we just cooked a huge meal. That was a pleasant change. While the rest of my family tried to digest and started passing out, I went out with an old friend for a drink. This was the only time I bothered to do that this year. The longer I'm gone the more I lose touch.

Friday night we went to a dueling piano bar. It was fun but the guys playing sort of sucked. Saturday my grandmother helped me put black streaks in my hair. She is a good sport. That evening we had dinner with her and her boyfriend.

My flight to Chicago was canceled due to Mechanical problems and they told me I couldn't get on another one until Tuesday. That isn't okay. I had to wake my brother up (he only had three hours of sleep) and ask him to drive me to Chicago right away. He lives in Chicago so this isn't that big of a deal. He just wasn't planning to leave for another five or six hours. Luckily I made a flight out of Chicago and was able to get home sweet home last night.

That brings us to date. Next I will tell you about my new nephew.