Tuesday, July 2, 2013

I'm Yours, for Now

I’m playing my lovely Pandora playlist while working my glorious ass off and on comes a song that fills me with so many conflicting emotions I realize I need to investigate and get over it. So, here I am writing at my self- therapy blog trying to figure out what just happened. Join me in my insanity.

Why on earth would I give a shit about this song? *Sigh*

I know why. This particular song became popular around the time I traveled to the Bahamas with Casey. Casey and I were very much in love back then. He used to play me this song and tell me it reminded him of me. I think he forgot about that by now since five years have passed. I hope he forgot about it because he still sings it every time we go to karaoke and if he is doing it on purpose that’s just cruel. It really was a good time but I can’t help the fact that this song comes on and memories come rushing in.

The Bahamas trip was beautiful. We had an amazing time on the perfect beach with jet skis and snorkeling. We went to dinner every night and enjoyed every moment. Unless we were in the hotel room, that is. During that trip I realized we were very different. He wanted to be seen with me in public and have someone on his arm but when it came to being in the room we might as well have slept in separate beds. Actually, I think we did a few times thanks to sunburns. It wasn't that there was an issue or anything. We were just different people. I personally want a lot more physical affection if you get what I mean. That wasn't something that mattered much to him. At one point we were sitting out on our balcony with the cool breeze and quiet. We were talking about what we wanted in life and what mattered to us individually. I thought this was a person I might marry but at this specific moment in time I realized we had an expiration date. That moment has always haunted me. It has a dark place in my heart that still gives me nausea.  We stayed together for some time after that but eventually it had to end for both of us to have the lives we want.

A couple weeks ago Casey and his wife had a baby boy.  I would say his life is exactly what he told me he always wanted. I’m really happy for him. I would say my life is going swimmingly because I’m doing the things I wanted. However, my biggest fear is that I keep repeating the same mistakes.  If insanity is making the same mistake over and over again expecting a different result, I’m clearly insane. I somehow take the most painful things that happen to me and then fall the hardest for the first person I find that contains all of those painful qualities or risks. See? Clearly insane.

How can a song popping up on Pandora totally wreck my mind so quickly? God I hold on to a lot of pointless shit. No wonder my brain malfunctions.Now I'm tearing up. Damnit. 

I’m only posting this here because nobody actually in my life reads my blog anymore so I don’t have to sugarcoat shit. Thank you online self-therapy.


jack mehoff said...

freaking awesome. love the last couple lines. it is a lot more theraputic when you know theyre not watching.

i blame pandora for a lot of my roller coaster emotions in a day.

chicago is a wonderful place.

casey was a big part of your life albeit not an eternity in the grand scheme of things. so the intensity of the relationship - the emotions are still there somewhere lingering around. pandora just had to flaunt it in your face.

i woulda thumbed it down. stupid jason M-raz

Mike said...

'..hold on to a lot of pointless shit.'

I'm afraid that's part of the human condition.

Dana said...

" If insanity is making the same mistake over and over again expecting a different result, I’m clearly insane."

It took me until my mid 40's to minimize similar insanity in my life. There is a lesson in making the same mistake, and until you learn it (I was clearly learning resistant), you'll keep making it, but you know what? I think the fact that you can so easily see the mistake is a sign that you've almost learned the lesson.

Hang in there ... it gets better!!

Karen (formerly kcinnova) said...

Echoing Mike's comment... and just so you know, I don't think there is a single one of us who doesn't think back to our younger selves and question decisions. I know I do.

BSOB said...

ha, isn't that the point of the blog anyways?

LL said...

Pandora? Didn't she have a box that you should never have opened in the first place? ;)

You'll be ok darlin... I'm almost certain of it... :P

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