Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Latest Sparks

Hey blog, it has been awhile. I've had a lot of changes happen since we last saw each other. The biggest being that I hit the job lottery and life is pretty fuckin' awesome in that capacity. I'll come back to elaborate later because that's a cult post in itself.  I'm here now because, I miss you.  You're like an old lover. I miss you most when something bad happens and I don't know who to talk it through with. You will let me talk about it as much as I need without getting sick of me. Thank you for that.

So let's get right to it. I had another seizure. It had been about eight months since my last one and I was probably getting a little careless. Eight months is the longest I've gone since developing epilepsy in my twenties. It happened last Friday night. I think it was probably around 11pm because I was still up and walking around my apartment. I remember standing in front of my door, looking at my hands, and thinking "oh shit this is really a seizure this time" before blacking out. I usually am able to get to bed or the floor or something. Not this time. I usually remember most of the seizure and the pain. This time I only know that when I started to regain awareness I was cleaning a puddle up off of my floor and then going to bed. I don't know if that puddle was urine or blood.

When I was up again a little while later I was talking to my boyfriend very lighthearted. I think he thought I was okay but I was still out of it. I don't even know if we were texting or Skyping. At some point I felt my head and realized it was covered in blood. The hair was clumping up in scabs. I fell asleep again. The next day I got up, showered and cleaned my head, then went to rehearsal for the band. I know I thought I was okay at the time. I was having some sort of adrenaline rush. It was so strange. I went home that night and fell asleep early. Slept all Sunday. Monday I finally asked someone to look at my head. It looks like I collapsed on to the corner baseboard and scraped from my ear up my scalp. Then there are several other scrapes where I apparently beat it into the corner. Lot's of bruising all over my body and a strange numbness under my tongue due to nerve damage in my head. Frankly the recovery this time wasn't so bad. It's the emotional shit that creeps up on me days later that is torturing me.

What is wrong with my brain? I'm FREAKED out by my own weird behavior and things I talk about before the seizure. Why was I bringing it up out of nowhere with my coworkers? Why do people suddenly seem really familiar like I've known them before somehow even though we've clearly never met? Total strangers whose faces I know better than my family members. Why does it feel like my life is overlapping with other storylines and I'm getting caught in the deja vu blips? WHAT THE CRAP IS HAPPENING? Do you have any idea what it's like to lose large pieces of memory? What am I supposed to do when out of nowhere I get overwhelmed with panic and emotion but I'm not able to explain myself to anyone? I need to feel grounded and this is not the pathway.

Writing that last paragraph gave me a bit of a panic attack. I'm glad I still have this venue to release my insanity in. If I find out I'm in a sci-fi movie I'll let you know.

9 comments:

Gary's third pottery blog said...

whoa, Knight, dang.....

Mike said...

Your sci-fi movie name could be Sparky.

I'm With Stupid said...

Do you think you suffered a concussion? I'm really starting to think I need to move in with you so I can keep an eye on you 24/7.

Jay

Mark Sportiello said...

Thinkin of you, missing you, loving you. These things happen every day. I hate that you're going through this. I hoped it was over. Here if you need me. <3

LL said...

Good to have you back around these parts...

Sorry to have you go through that though to get you here...

Darlene said...

I wish we lived together and I wish you would call me and I wish you'd let me NY-Mom-Friend the shit out of you. It's my favorite thing and seeing you in any capacity is still better than not seeing you. I'm also a crisis counselor. ANYWHO. You are not a burden.

The most frustrating part is that you are so in control of your life in so many ways right now. This is the uncontrallable part. Your brain and body are making choices without your input and it's maddening but you're not going mad. You win by waking up every day, feeling the panic, seeing it for what it is and pushing on regardless. That is some superhero shit and you don't even realize it. I love the shit out of you. I'd prefer a copy of your keys and a text that says "just come" next time and I'll do the cleaning up and patching up. I KNOW what you're thinking and shut up about that and just listen to me.

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Karen (formerly kcinnova) said...

Well, CRAP. I'm sorry.
And I'm sorry it took so long for me to even read your post.

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