Thursday, May 15, 2008

Rock Band

Dear Rock Band,

I hate you. Sure you provide endless entertainment for video game nerds around the world but shouldn't they be outside getting some sun on their pasty faces or God forbid, learning to play REAL instruments? Sure you are an amusing game. Lights and images all a flutter with cool tunes blasting. Even I enjoy looking for the first half hour and then the motion sickness comes. I have to look away or I will hurl on your cheap guitar with the colorful buttons designed to simplify the ever so complicated concept of strings.

I have to admit, for a little while I enjoy playing or singing along. Then I get angry. I get angry because you are a computer game and you are ruining the music for me. Not only do you force our pretend band that is intensely staring at a tv screen to play note for note second for second EXACTLY what you tell us to but you also make it so that the music is being overpowered by loud clicking of plastic buttons and drum beats. All the clicking makes my head spin. It seriously spins like a poltergeist took over. That is what you do to me Rock Band. That is exactly what you do.

Everybody else just loves you. "Aren't you fun! What a great game you are!" I know what you are trying to do. You are trying to take over the world. You are trying and damnit you are winning you bastard. Nobody seems to see it but me. The novelty of pretending to be a rock star doesn't wear intensifies. They grow addicted to you. Suddenly you are the only thing anybody wants to do. Oh, your followers may think I'm exaggerating but I'm on to you. I'll let them play but I'll be watching. I'll be watching with a set of garden sheers on your power cord. If I see even the slightest hint of my friends turning into zombies, you will die. I will beat you to death with your own bass driven right through your drum set. Screw you Rock Band!

Kiss Off,



Anonymous said...

I play a real guitar in a real band. I've never played Guitar Hero or Rock Band. I would probably suck at both.


Dana said...

Hah! This is exactly why no game console - none at all - lives in my home!

Jay said...

Somehow I think that these video games are actually something out of a bad Sci-Fi movie. They are sending subliminal messages to the kids that play them and they are going to turn them into a zombie-like army that will take over the world.

Glad to know you aren't one of the people who will be sucked in. I've never played those games, but if I had a Wii or whatever I'd probably never leave the house. LOL ;-)

Tall Lanky Jew said...

Ahhhh. Your jealousy of the gaming console is.... breathtaking. But damn!!!! Am I good! 'What??? What??? What's that noise?? TLJ....Play with me!!' On my way! :) Digital Manilow is calling.

Anonymous said...

HAHA!! I love do Open Letters, this as great!!!I cannot nor will I get rid of my Wii or my Xbox.. Damn it Sis!!! You are making me have second thoughts!!!

I am passed addiction now! but ummmm We needed that open letter.. I need to tell my BFF Paul to come on here and read this!!!


Your Sis

Dianne said...

when music videos first took hold I was horrified! the best part of the music is what happens in your own head as you actively listen to it.

video games are even more insidious. some anyway. I have to admit I enjoy boxing on Wii.

Eric Shonkwiler said...

You should join me and my band, "The Burning Sensatio." The computer didn't have room for "The Burning Sensations."

GMEyster said...

Hahahahaha! Wha?

Jo said...

I love Rock Band! For us it's a kooky thing my hub who-hates-videogames & our 14 year-old & I can play together...we keep flabbergasting the jaded teenager, who thought R.E.M. showed up 5 years ago. My son rocks out on his real guitars with his friends a lot--there's really no comparison between making real music & playing plastic instruments.

I think people (esp. kids) who get out in the world & vary their playtime & interests have no problem fooling around with videogames & walking away...kind of like TV.

If I get addicted, I'll send you a cry for help & you can do an intervention :P

Doc said...

Dear Knight,

I humbly bow before your greatness.

You have managed to encapsulate EXACTLY how I feel about games like rock band an dguitar hero. I have never played... and certainly never will however I feel exactly as you do about this abomination of music that seeks to bastardize one of the things that I hold very dear... MUSIC!

If you don't mind I am going to link this post over on YJKOBT for ALL to read... I cannot thank you enough for speaking out!



Doc said...

Brilliant.... simply brilliant.

The Mountain Cat said...

Knight, Yes I agree but I love to jam out to those hard rocking Air Supply and REO Speedwagon tunes too. LOL. Great post.

Farmer*swife said...

Yeah, me too! Those games suck! [Of course, I could be biased against them because I'm not very good...]

I am totally a fan of playing outdoors though! My kids are six and five and they already know everything about the computer.

I give them 20 minutes to play (educational games) and then they pop their hineys outside for some bicycle and swinging, etc. ;)

Micky-T said...

I really, really like what you have to say about these games that suck the life out of people.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

meh, i never got into rock band. lately ive been obsessed with GTA IV. we all have our crosses to bear

Matt-Man said...

Are you gonna be okay? Cheers Knight!!

Doc said...

I still love this posting.

Anonymous said...

Normally I think your commentary is both pointed and accurate, but, madame you are incorrect on this one. Rock Band represents the pinnacle of human achievement, it's up there with agriculture and the printing press. Whatever...I guess I am not inviting you to my Rock Band party.