Monday, August 11, 2008
*WARNING - This post is very crass.*
It's time for another blog about SCARY ASS PEOPLE. Saturday night I went out on the town with my friend Ava (previously known as A) We went to the east village or the lower east side. I don't really remember. Wherever we were we stopped at a nice place for a glass of wine and an appetizer. We started off the night well and enjoyed ourselves in a clean, classy environment.
After we left we wandered a bit and Ava decided it might be fun to catch a burlesque show at The Slipper Room. That sounds entertaining, right? She has been there several times and I have certainly seen a lot of burlesque dancing at various venues that was impressive. We figure we will go in, have a drink, and wait for the show. We chatted up the bartender and the room slowly became packed. I don't know how we did it but somehow we pushed through the crowd during the first break between shows and we ended up seated right next to the stage just feet from the dancers. It started off vaguely interesting with a confetti gun prop and a fan dancer performing to the Imperial March. One chick was wearing about twenty pairs of underwear that she kept pulling off. The host was a guy that came out and did a strip tease in his 80's attire to flashdance. Then he pulled the old red sock he was using as a headband and stuffed it in his granny panties for bulk. I'm still talking about the good part of the night just incase you can't tell anymore.
Everything was going fine with the interesting acts until crazy wig came out. She danced for a minute and then hopped off the stage to grab my face and "kiss" me. This was actually more her rubbing her glitter red lips across my chin thus giving me diseases. She then tried to do the same to various other people in the audience but they had the sense to jump back. Then she danced again. It wasn't long before Ava and I noticed that you could see her tampon string and we started feeling bad for her. Like she was modest or something. Unfortunately that string became a part of the act as she started to play it like a guitar. Yep. I kid you not. Crazy wig played away until she tired of this game and just pulled the whole thing out and threw it into the audience. The people scattered like the red sea parting. It would be incredibly creepy and weird if this were all the spur of the moment behaviour of a crazy person but it wasn't. This act was planned. She probably does this on a regular basis. A monthly rotation would be the obvious guess.
Just when you thought it wasn't going to get any worse/better another dancer had to come out and top the act before her. How do you do that? By playing a cardboard guitar shaped like a heart, tearing off your Dr's jacket, and urinating into a glass. SERIOUSLY. This girl started the stream in a thong on stage right into a large glass and then held it out for the audience to see. Like an offering. The glass read "Love Potion." Now you might think that isn't as bad as the tampon incident but I have not even made it to the good part. The chick held out the glass and then went to put it down but suddenly a guy with a group of friends jumped out of his seat, grabbed the glass, and chugged it like a shot! Holy mother of urine, I hope he knew something I didn't but I really don't think he did. The face he made after and the shock in that room... I don't even have words. The dancer stopped dancing and made the call me signal to him several times before leaving the stage.
That is when we decided to call it a night. I have seen a lot of crazy stuff in my life but that certainly was at the top... for this month.... so far. I hope I have properly expressed my trauma. Good luck going to sleep tonight.