Groped

Some days I’m a lot closer to killing strangers than usual. Sunday was one of those days.

I was standing outside my Cheers bar smoking a cancer stick and talking to a girlfriend. My mom was inside with my various male friends. As I stood on the empty sidewalk chatting about Brian Wilson or Heineken, or maybe it was the economic state of our country… whatever, I saw a person out of the corner of my eye walking up the sidewalk. I didn’t acknowledge them. Then I feel this short little guy completely rub his entire body against my back side as he passed me. The sidewalk was empty. He had plenty of room. This guy basically just groped me. You see, I’m tall. I was wearing a short dress. This little guy was able to rub his entire arm and chest against my ass as he passed me by. Once I realized what happened he had already run pretty far up the street. I started screaming at him calling him a f$%ing pervert. He turned around at the corner, blew me a kiss and grabbed himself. Then he ran away. It wasn’t worth it for me to chase the guy with my stiletto in hand because I would be arrested for maiming his pathetic face but damnit I was so pissed off. How often do you think that asshole gets away with shit like that? I happened to be outside with the one person in the whole bar that wasn’t able to kick his ass. I’m so disgusted.

Everybody, keep your damn hands to yourself. Unless, of course, you’ve received a request to do otherwise. 

Happy Halloween Freaks!

The News

I've been busy lately. One of the things that occurred was that I reported someone to a news station and this happened:



This clip cuts off the story early. I was actually on the news and if I find a better version I will post it but for now if you want the whole story you can view it on the news website here.

UPDATE: Gary found the link for me. GO HERE TO WATCH.

You don't make heroes out of Warlocks!

Wow. I laughed. I cringed. I got a little nauseous.



I wish I could go to camp.

Dirty Dancing

*WARNING - This post is very crass.*

It's time for another blog about SCARY ASS PEOPLE. Saturday night I went out on the town with my friend Ava (previously known as A) We went to the east village or the lower east side. I don't really remember. Wherever we were we stopped at a nice place for a glass of wine and an appetizer. We started off the night well and enjoyed ourselves in a clean, classy environment.

After we left we wandered a bit and Ava decided it might be fun to catch a burlesque show at The Slipper Room. That sounds entertaining, right? She has been there several times and I have certainly seen a lot of burlesque dancing at various venues that was impressive. We figure we will go in, have a drink, and wait for the show. We chatted up the bartender and the room slowly became packed. I don't know how we did it but somehow we pushed through the crowd during the first break between shows and we ended up seated right next to the stage just feet from the dancers. It started off vaguely interesting with a confetti gun prop and a fan dancer performing to the Imperial March. One chick was wearing about twenty pairs of underwear that she kept pulling off. The host was a guy that came out and did a strip tease in his 80's attire to flashdance. Then he pulled the old red sock he was using as a headband and stuffed it in his granny panties for bulk. I'm still talking about the good part of the night just incase you can't tell anymore.

Everything was going fine with the interesting acts until crazy wig came out. She danced for a minute and then hopped off the stage to grab my face and "kiss" me. This was actually more her rubbing her glitter red lips across my chin thus giving me diseases. She then tried to do the same to various other people in the audience but they had the sense to jump back. Then she danced again. It wasn't long before Ava and I noticed that you could see her tampon string and we started feeling bad for her. Like she was modest or something. Unfortunately that string became a part of the act as she started to play it like a guitar. Yep. I kid you not. Crazy wig played away until she tired of this game and just pulled the whole thing out and threw it into the audience. The people scattered like the red sea parting. It would be incredibly creepy and weird if this were all the spur of the moment behaviour of a crazy person but it wasn't. This act was planned. She probably does this on a regular basis. A monthly rotation would be the obvious guess.

Just when you thought it wasn't going to get any worse/better another dancer had to come out and top the act before her. How do you do that? By playing a cardboard guitar shaped like a heart, tearing off your Dr's jacket, and urinating into a glass. SERIOUSLY. This girl started the stream in a thong on stage right into a large glass and then held it out for the audience to see. Like an offering. The glass read "Love Potion." Now you might think that isn't as bad as the tampon incident but I have not even made it to the good part. The chick held out the glass and then went to put it down but suddenly a guy with a group of friends jumped out of his seat, grabbed the glass, and chugged it like a shot! Holy mother of urine, I hope he knew something I didn't but I really don't think he did. The face he made after and the shock in that room... I don't even have words. The dancer stopped dancing and made the call me signal to him several times before leaving the stage.

That is when we decided to call it a night. I have seen a lot of crazy stuff in my life but that certainly was at the top... for this month.... so far. I hope I have properly expressed my trauma. Good luck going to sleep tonight.

I am who I am.

We will call today's segment, Reasons Why I Turned Out This Way:

* After day two on the road on tour we stopped at a disgusting hotel in Little Rock Arkansas. It was in a scary neighborhood and really dirty in general. The girl playing the White Rabbit role started crying and made herself sick. She threatened to quit the show. Across from her hotel room a white rabbit was tied to a traffic cone with a rope. What does it all mean?

* I worked briefly at Cafe Mozart on the Upper West Side. It was across the street from my student housing. The owner stopped me in the street one day and offered me a job as a hostess. Shortly after I accepted I learned that he was running an escort service. He kept calling and trying to get me to meet him at the new unopened restaurant location. I never went back in to work after that call.

* One time in high school I was lounging at my house on Sunday mourning in my smeared makeup, a long ugly see through sleep-shirt, and rat nest hair. My boyfriend and other male friend showed up at the front door and my dad let them in without telling me. So they walked up the stairs to find me a gross mess. I had never been so mortified in my life. I hid my head under my arms and screamed. I have not cared about such things ever since. Thanks dad.

*When I lived with A we lived in a building with a bad mouse infestation. They gave us sticky traps because the mice ate the peanut butter off the real traps and survived. One day a mouse got caught in the trap and started squealing. We both cried. She cried because she felt bad for it. I cried because it wouldn't die and I couldn't make myself go near it. I ran downstairs and asked the concierge to help us. He laughed at us as he put the sticky tray and mouse in a plastic bag, beat it against the wall, and then tossed it down the garbage chute.

*I once did a show based on a grim fairy tail. I sewed a dress made entirely of rags and then covered it in mud and twigs. This was my costume. We performed the show in a wing of a Villa and before the show started we were instructed to run around the woods and swing from trees outside. One of those days a wedding reception was being held in the same villa and we still popped out of the trees and yelled in tongues at anyone going past. They thought it was great and had no idea what was going on but they still did the chicken dance with us. Can you imagine twelve dirt covered kids that only grunted showing up to your wedding?

*When I was young and constantly going to sleepovers we always snuck out in the middle of the night to dance in the graveyard as long as there was one within walking distance. We were disturbed kids.

*I used to sneak into the cupboards and get finger fulls of Crisco. Mmmmm

*I once had an acting job in the local cemetery. I was acting the part of a fifteen year old girl that died working illegally in the candy factory. She was decapitated in the elevator. I told her story while standing on her grave.

The Bad Director

Some rainy day a few years back I was approached by a director while shopping around Virgin Records. He approached with a classic line asking me if I'm an actress. I said I was currently attending school at a musical theater academy uptown. He informed me that he was working on a new film that I looked the part for and would like to meet me at a later time to discuss the details if I was interested. At the time I wasn't familiar with his work so he gave me his card and told me to look at some of his films and give him a call if I would be interested. Honestly, at this point I was a little flattered but more or less just assuming it was all bull. Then he left because his wife and child were downstairs waiting for him.

So I figure, what is the harm in googling the guy and checking out some of his films? I was out with some of my friends at the time and they were nice enough to humor me in all of this. We found out that he had done a lot of films so I rented a few. They were good. A little twisted maybe but so am I so I figure, I'm giving the guy a call. He wanted to meet that night a a bistro I was very familiar with. I informed my friends of this and they offered to be my backup just in case he drugged me or something.

I met him at the 24 hour bistro. My friends came in after me and sat another table. We talked for a bit about his career, what he was currently working on. He asked me about what acting I had done. He showed me papers for a film festival he needed to attend the next week because they were honoring him. He came prepared with all sorts of proof of what he was working on and what an impressive man he was. I was still hesitant but interested.

It was requested that we go for a walk and continue talking. As we walked he started talking about the people he knew like Robert Downey Jr. and Heather Graham. He talked about how shy Robert was when they met and he taught him how to approach women. He was Robert's mentor. He talked about sexual stuff. I'm thinking, this guy is a little off but, nothing shocks me much anymore. He was a really nice guy. He let me joke with him without getting pretentious and offended. This man was almost sixty and very overweight. He had to walk with his head tilted up because his asthma was so bad. He taught me some karate moves so that I could defend myself by knocking someone in the windpipe. He was just showing off. I went home.

He proceeded to call me a couple days later. We talked about what he was working on. He would tell me random stories that progressively got more disturbing. He said to let him know when I was available for coffee again so I could look at the script he was working on. Then he started calling every day. He said if I ever ran into him on the street and he was with someone that he had a very jealous wife and another girlfriend that he keeps an apartment for so he might not acknowledge me. Another story was the time he met Heather Graham. She came into the hotel room they were holding an audition at. She asked to use the bathroom and he walked in on her and proceeded to ...well... it was a shocking story. Finally he told me about the time he killed a guy that tried to mug him in central park.

Alright, this guy is nuts. He is out of his mind but for some reason he is so amusing and honestly, he never made a pass at me. He wasn't even trying to meet me anymore. It was like he was calling just to tell me stories. Then he wanted to know if I would go to that film festival he had told me about. We would only be gone for the weekend. Uh.... no.... I don't want to do that.

Eventually I did something that pissed him off. He was trying to convince me to come to the festival and my phone died. When I was able to plug it in again I had this very angry message saying I was an immature little bitch and if I didn't want to speak to him I need not rudely hang up. Whoa, he had never flared up in anger like that before. I responded directly to his voice mail and explained that I had not intended to hang up. I did NOT want to be on this persons bad side. Then I never answered his calls again.

Fast forward a few years. My friend and roommate of four years that had been with me at the Virgin Store and at the bistro that night was working at her fancy restaurant serving job when in walks the director with a young hopeful girl. I'm sure she just shook her head and thought poor thing. He then began coming in all the time. Always with a different woman. Frequently taking them up to his hotel room next door. Everyone working at that restaurant knew him and knew what he was doing. Sadly I was the one on the other side of the table once. I've been aware for years of what a scary man he is but today I found this article detailing a lot of the things he had told me. He is an old perverted womanizer and yet I really enjoy that I have this story to share. So thanks James. (I did not write his full name in this story for obvious reasons.)

What am I talking about?

I mentioned that I am crazy in the last post and I thought maybe I should clarify that I like being crazy. I think crazy is normal. Most people that think they are normal are actually naive and/or frightning. Like this woman...



Mike posted this video the other day. I originally saw this on Wife Swap on ABC a long time ago. I remember laughing and laughing. In this episode a Christian family swaps mom's with a Wiccan family. Other than the crazy mom you see flipping out here in the last five minutes of the show, the episode was pretty boring. This provides a great example of someone who thinks they are normal.


In the 60's people thought Hippies were crazy. I wish I had been alive in the 60's. I have wanted to be a hippie all my life. It just isn't the same thing now. I missed all the fun. I have to fight "the man", make love not war, AND cut/wash my hair? That isn't fair.

I put black nail polish on Casey's toes about six months ago and this morning I made him sit still while I removed the last bit of it. How can that stay on him so long and the purple nail polish on my fingers that was applied two days ago is almost completely chipped away already? Wtf?
What does that have to do with anything?

When I was a child I spent a lot of time around perm solution. That might explain a lot. I was at my grandmothers all the time and she had a beauty shop as part of her home. As a child I spent countless hours giving perms to mannequin heads. Imagine the fumes I must have been inhaling into my little lungs. *Sigh* Memories.

Pimpin my Work Peeps

My office is so very loveless these days. I told my lonely co-workers I would help pimp them out via my blog. Luckily I've got something for everyone (except lesbians, sorry ladies). They agreed to let me post a profile of each of them in hopes of meeting new available people. They all say they are willing to travel to other cities, and countries for the right person/amount of money. Okay, in all honesty none of them are actually lonely but they are single. They are all very cool people and they agreed to let me write profiles about them.
So step right up and meet the people that get me through the work day:


StumpsAround:
Stumpy is a SWF from the South. The nickname Stumpy came from another co-worker who once opened a muffin and found mold inside the Stump. She has since dubbed our shorter work pal Stumps/Stumpy/StumpsAround, or anything else you can come up with. Her interests include buying expensive clothes, drinking beer then visiting white castle, spreading pink eye to cowboys, baking delicious cookies, dancing the robot, and hiding in duffel bags. She has a tendency to self sabotage her relationships by going for the wrong man every time. If you are Asian or look under age she will be all yours.



LargeDecafHazelnutCoffeeWithMilk:
The name is obviously the drink he orders every freakin' day at our 10:30 coffee run. For some reason the guy at the cafe can't remember all the specifics so he has to tell him every time. Ridiculous! LDHCM likes his coffee like he likes his men: Tall, light, and nutty but doesn't effect your nerves. That is only sort of true. You don't have to be light. LDHCM writes funny skits and plays and shit. He will probably write one for you if you ask real nice. He also draws random pictures all day. I think most of them are of himself which would imply that he is extremely narcissist. I wish he would start a blog because he has a sense of humor like no other. He is looking for a soulpal that will read the dictionary with him. His interests are dumplings, being a tetherball (see image), and carrots.


REX:
This is the catch of the day ladies. He has recently been made over by yours truly and the two listed above. (Seriously, new wardrobe, haircut, everything.) He is looking for a lady that will mess with his emotions and cause irreparable damage to his ego. He is easily lured with rice krispie treats, banana liquor, and needy cats. His secret desire is to be a famous white raper like Eminem or Vanilla Ice. His interests are improv, getting lots of attention, trapping people in his apartment, and condemning you to hell for smoking.
We do not take responsibility for the hat in this picture.

These are my peeps and I'm trying to hook them up so if you are looking or you know somone that is looking please feel free to make a bid and I'll except the payments via pay pal. I can have them delivered in six to eight days.

Commuting

Last night after work I started my journey home via subway per usual. Lucky for me the subway platform by work is above ground so you get to stand in the freezing wind praying for the lights of a train to appear in the distance. Actually, I chose to stand in the wind last night. I only did this because the wind was blowing so hard against the siding of the platform the siding was lifting up into the air. My choices were, stand in freezing wind or risk the siding breaking off and knocking me onto the subway tracks. So I only risked it for part of my wait. When the train finally came I instinctively went to the car with less people. I should have known of course that nobody was in that car because a homeless man had sprawled out across an entire row of seats. He didn't reek so I sat down across from him. I couldn't help but notice he didn't have socks and his ankles were swollen and dry. He had to be freezing because he kept twitching around. I contemplated how I could get this person some socks. I couldn't give him mine because I don't think he would be all that impressed with knee high stockings for a girl. Maybe they would make a nifty glove or headband but that didn't solve anything. Anyway, I'm thinking this over as the man lies with his back to me twitching around more and more. He has a huge coat on and he is shaking so much I'm wondering if he is okay. That is when I realize... I'm watching a homeless man masturbate. I can't actually see anything thank Jebus but as soon as the thought entered my mind I was positive that was what was happening. I was so uncomfortable but in my shock I couldn't help laughing out loud. That is when he suddenly stopped, did some "adjusting" and turned to peer out from under his coat at me. Socks were no longer on my mind. I had to get off the f'ing train. This is a disturbing story, right? So why do I think it is so funny? This city has messed me up.

A Quickie

Fun things to waste a little bit of your Monday.

Another crazy Scientology video leaked.
Furniture you always dreamed of for sale.
Pain is art.
She's a catch.

Good luck with the rest of the day. I have to fight off this migraine.

They're Baaaaacccck.

I have no idea why my blog has turned into a religious cult information page but I can't pass up sharing this information. Apparently the Westboro Baptist Church has declared that they intend to protest outside of the Heath Ledger funeral. Some might ask why. Well, because he once played a gay man in a movie of course. That makes him a gay enabler. Well as this guy said in his video. If they show up at my funeral, I know I did something right.

Playing God, or Playing Tom

Not tired of Tom Cruise yet? Of course you are! That doesn't make this parody any less funny though.


By they way, if you are not yet familiar with FunnyorDie.com, get familiar. They have some entertaining stuff up there. The interesting part about the site is that you get to vote which videos are funny and which deserve to die. I love playing God! The site was created by Will Ferrell, Adam McKay, and Chris Henchy so it HAS to be good. Anyone remember Pearl the Landlord? Oh yeah, created just for this site.

Cruise for Prez! Chant with me now...

I wanted to post this yesterday but just didn't find the time. If you didn't hear yet, video of Tom Cruise talking about his wacky adventures in Scientology is posted on Gawker and they say they are not taking it down. Obviously this video traveled through the web fast but it has quickly been forced off of shared video sites like google video and youtube. (Supposedly because of the Church of Scientology copyright infringement notice.)
Personally, I enjoy watching it. He says some craaaazy shiznet. "Have you met an SP? *WILD CACKLE*" "Wow,SP's, we'll just read about those in the history books!"
Man, I wish I could go on vacation too.. but I can't. Because, I know. Tom knows. Don't you Tom?

To be honest I might be overexposed to odd people because I didn't think this video was all that strange. He sounds like a religious politician to me. Let's put him on the ballot.

Hug Fear

I have yet to find anybody (excluding my own brother) that can remember The Hugga Bunch movie. It is a horrible/delightful movie from 1984 that I watched a few million times as a child. Today I found a fantastic review that I think might explain why I'm not a fan of hugging people. Not at all. Seriously, read the review. It's hilarious.

The main reason why you should show this movie to your children is the life lesson dialog.

Bridget : What's goin' on?
Andrew : Boy, are you thick. It's Gramma.
Bridget : What about 'er?
Andrew : They're putting her out to pasture.
Bridget : I don't understand.
Andrew : Like a horse who's too old for anything. So... They just put 'em in a field, let 'em eat and enjoy their life, until they grow old and die.

The main reason you should not ever show this to any child is because they might turn out like this:



What did I get out of this movie? A fear of hugging and aging. Important traits for any toddler.

Swift-Boating

These ads are hilarious.







This is clearly supposed to be a joke making fun of how infantile the swift-boating is and other ad campaigns. The best part, of course, is the comments posted on the article linked above. Things like "Thank God some of our kids are not brainwashed by the Liberal left." and "These kids need to keep their mouths shut and worry about Sponge bob. They know nothing about politics." Granted, I fixed some of the grammar and spelling. I just can't believe people think these kids are really taking a stance. They are little actors. They know it's a joke. You really think all those kids believe Hillary Clinton is actually a man? Wow. The general public shocks me with it's idiocy in new ways every day.

You'll Eat Your Kids

Introducing the musical stylings of Westboro Baptist Church




If you are not familiar with this church/cult you can find tons of information about them on you tube and google search. I think it's terrifying how easily people are brain washed. This church/cult has less then 100 members and 80% of them are related. They keep breeding and brainwashing their children to think just like them. So scary but at the same time... kind of hilarious. I thought this video was pretty damn funny. Who wrote these lyrics? How did they decide which person gets the solo?

Well anyway, they were recently sued for "protesting" at a soldiers funeral. (They believe American soldiers deaths are punishment for our nations tolerance of homosexuality.) They have been ordered to pay 11 million in compensation.

Religious extremists always blow my mind. What on earth could they be thinking? Can they possibly be that ignorant? Does it ever occur to them to question themselves? If only there was a way to help them. I'm pretty sure hatred is taught not genetically inherited so there has to be some hope but how do you teach people that they are capable of free thought?

I want to study to be a hypnotist. Maybe that can give me answers. Anyone want to join me?

On my way out

Just wanted to throw out a few quick things before I head to the hometown for the weekend.

Number 1) Good news! France is just as slow as we are! View Proof Here

Number 2) Bad news. Wickipedia is too liberal for the crazies so they made their own. Try getting your information at Convservapedia. Complete with Bible verse on the home page. I was told to try looking up homosexuality.... scary.

Number 3) Had another voice lesson last night and I already feel everything I used to know coming back. It wasn't completely gone, just hiding from me. Thank Jebus!!

Number 4) I would really like some brunch soon, anyone? Sure, Sunday brunch might conflict a bit with the 11am airing of new Rock of Love episodes but I can probably wait until the eve to view it. Maybe not.