Thursday, January 29, 2009

I miss acting.

I miss getting excited about a character and examining a script knowing you will be telling the story. I love the preparation and rehearsal required to build relationships with other characters and to captivate the audience. Working with another actor and a director going beat by beat to perfect the scene is one of the best ways I can imagine spending my time. I miss even the smallest things like stage markers and finding the light. I really wanted this to be my life but somehow I got sidetracked by money. I was terrified of not paying rent or eating and being on a tour for the rest of my life. I didn't believe in myself. I didn't think I would ever be proud of myself. I didn't think I would be able to take care of myself.

When I started working at the company where I am currently employed it was part time. Only fifteen hours a week so maybe I could still audition. It didn't come close to paying rent of course. I was picking up other random jobs at theaters and promotional modeling gigs. I wasn't acting but I was gal Friday to a lot of places. It got old. I was offered more hours at my day job and I happily took them for the money. The woman I was working with got ill and had to leave on disability. I got her job. Next thing you know I keep getting promoted and I'm in a totally new department working long hours and wondering what happened to my life. I'm completely dependent on the security and afraid to pursue what I really want. I don't even call myself an actor anymore.

I don't know how this turned into a dear diary post. I wanted to write and the stream of conscious brought me here. Don't get me wrong, I am thrilled that I have had a few shows recently and singing is really my love but I can't help feeling like I'm missing out on something I once promised myself.

18 comments:

Macoosh said...

oh. my. god. a-freakin-men.

sigh.

lets put on a play together.

Reb said...

Oh sweetie, it is not to late to change things! I understand the need for security (trust me you are far braver than I), but you can still do the things you want. It just might take longer. Save your pennies, and then when you think you are ready take a leave/holiday from work and devote the time to cattle calls and getting an agent. You have been able to juggle putting on some shows while working, I am sure that with some time off work, you can manage to find your path again.

If you want it, you will find a way to make it happen.

Gary Rith Pottery Blog said...

OH KNIGHT! I wish you could do more. I just love your singing act. I hope you can do moremoremore.

Michael Knight Rambo said...

I hear you!
Unfortunately no one wants to pay me for my passions of drinking beer and hanging out on the couch or being a man of leisure.
Don't let your job "title" define who you are.
Check out this dude for going after your dreams! (I hope this link works)
http://www.cbc.ca/arts/music/story/2009/01/23/ken-lavigne.html?ref=rss

Dana said...

Knight. Do it now! Go on auditions. Make it a priority. You don't want to find yourself - 20 years later - with the same regret, only stronger!

furiousBall said...

i wrote a play about boxed wine and jalopeno poppers, i think you'd be great for the role of Illana, the town drunk/wagon master

GMEyster said...

I know exactly what you mean.

Mike said...

Tell tall lanky jew to start making some seriouis moohlah so he can support you while you do acting.

BBC said...

I think that acting is wonderful, I've done some of it. But not expecting to make a living at it, just to do it.

To make a living I did other things.

LL said...

Hang in there darlin'... You're still too young to abandon your dreams just yet. ;)

kcinnova said...

Reality bites sometimes, doesn't it?

Like Reb says, it's not too late.
It's never too late.

JasonBSchmidt said...

Let's do a show. Macoosh will direct.

In other news, pick one audition to go to and I'll go along. Just do it.

PS. I think I found a great song for your next cabaret.

JasonBSchmidt said...

I sang Poisoning Pigeons in the Park at an audition last night. The same guy wrote this, which is your new audition song/cabaret standard. Thanks,
JBS

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TytGOeiW0aE

Tall Lanky Jew said...

It is never too late. I am sorta proof of that. I am 31 and am just starting my career. I'm one of your biggest fans and I can't wait for any and all shows you do in the future. We could put on a variety hour type show couldn't we? Kinda sonny and cher! Wait...let me rethink that.

Farmer*swife said...

TLJ is cute.

Gosh, Gal. How tough. I do know the love of security...but, i do know the love of following a dream.

Maybe you could discuss this with your boss and see if you could "flex" your schedule. Obviously, you are good at your job and they keep promoting you. So, maybe your boss will understand that you need a little flex in your schedule -- to pursue your dream?

Keep us posted. This hard being in mental and emotional transition like this.

tt said...

one thing to keep in mind....this life you're living isn't a dress rehearsal....it's now or never. Time goes by so quickly and it's so easy to get sidetracked by everyday mundane things like rent and food.. :) .....find a way darlin'....find a way.

Darla said...

I 2nd what JBS said. Any audition you wanna go to, I'll go. It's a thousand times easier with a friend. Kindergarten really had something with the buddy system...

fiwa said...

Apparently you had something to say to yourself, huh?

I hope you can figure a way to work this out.

Be happy.
love,
fiwa