I miss getting excited about a character and examining a script knowing you will be telling the story. I love the preparation and rehearsal required to build relationships with other characters and to captivate the audience. Working with another actor and a director going beat by beat to perfect the scene is one of the best ways I can imagine spending my time. I miss even the smallest things like stage markers and finding the light. I really wanted this to be my life but somehow I got sidetracked by money. I was terrified of not paying rent or eating and being on a tour for the rest of my life. I didn't believe in myself. I didn't think I would ever be proud of myself. I didn't think I would be able to take care of myself.
When I started working at the company where I am currently employed it was part time. Only fifteen hours a week so maybe I could still audition. It didn't come close to paying rent of course. I was picking up other random jobs at theaters and promotional modeling gigs. I wasn't acting but I was gal Friday to a lot of places. It got old. I was offered more hours at my day job and I happily took them for the money. The woman I was working with got ill and had to leave on disability. I got her job. Next thing you know I keep getting promoted and I'm in a totally new department working long hours and wondering what happened to my life. I'm completely dependent on the security and afraid to pursue what I really want. I don't even call myself an actor anymore.
I don't know how this turned into a dear diary post. I wanted to write and the stream of conscious brought me here. Don't get me wrong, I am thrilled that I have had a few shows recently and singing is really my love but I can't help feeling like I'm missing out on something I once promised myself.