It’s my Blogiversary!

Four magical years ago on 2/16/07 I appeared in blog land and proceeded to share my torturous ways with each of you. Looking back now I realize I’ve maintained a pretty solid level of sarcasm, depression, and obnoxiousness. Even on day one I started with over sharing my entire life story. Oh, and I briefly pretended this would be a blog about jazz artists. That was so damn boring I went unconscious writing it. Instead, I have made it my personal therapy lounge and memory keeper.

This is me when I started blogging.

This is me now.

So what happened to me in such a short span of time?

Well, I started the blog 23 and newly single. I was working in the advertising field and was generally doing well. Exactly one month later I was posting about my first seizure. Will it be a seizure blog?

One year later I was seriously obsessed with blogging. I was back with my ex and we had a trip planned to the Bahamas. I still worked in the evil empire of advertising. The epilepsy is still the only health issue and life was pretty good.

Two years later TO THE DAY my boyfriend was having major surgery on his back. It was scary and I was in a bad place mentally. You can tell by my posts. A short time later we broke up. Yes, I understand that makes me a horrible human being but I promise it had nothing to do with his back. Within a week I was laid off from my job. Nice one, KARMA! I kind of went into hiding and wasn’t heard from much in 2009.

Three years later I’m starting to notice the trend that I always get very depressed in February. I had a lovely new boyfriend. I was unemployed. I was doing a lot of drinking by myself. I know at some point in the year I was working at a theater with my boyfriend and doing a lot of creative stuff but I can’t find any proof I wrote about it. I’m starting to wonder if any of that really happened….or am I losing my mind?

TODAY- Four years have gone by. I’m doing a long term temp gig and generally like the atmosphere. My boyfriend is on tour doing children’s theater and I won’t see him for four months. (Seriously, no sex for four months. What did I do to deserve this cruel punishment from the universe?) I still have epilepsy but it took this long to finally come to terms with it and I’m lucky that I had my blog as an outlet. I met several people that were willing to talk with me about their own personal battles and it helped a lot. I feel like I lost touch with many close friends over that time. I made new friends. It doesn’t make up for it. I kinda became a bit of a nudist. Just seeing if you are still paying attention. I sang a lot. A whole lot. But never enough.

Now I wish I had something to aim for next year. I need something to keep me going. But what?

Sheesh, I’m depressing. Happy Anniversary to my blog and to all of you that hang out around here on occasion.

Where In The Hell I've Been

Happy Holidays and New Year and Winter Solstice and well... all those other Holidays I missed. Not working in an office makes it very difficult to keep up this whole blogging thing. It seems I just don't have the time to write but that isn't exactly true. I'm going to blame my boyfriend Sky. He has a bit of an addiction to the Internet. He won't admit to it but he does. I have to trick him into looking the other way just so I can check my e-mail. That's okay though. I needed new hobbies.

What was I up to the last time I checked in? I have no idea. I've been working at the Algonquin Theater as a manager of some sorts. It's been pretty damn cool. Sky is playing the role of Dylan in the off Broadway musical SESSIONS that is running at the Algonquin so it has been convenient for us. I've been assistant directing and understudying for the theater as well as producing, performing in, and hosting cabarets. I've met a lot of wonderful, amazing, and in several cases talented people. I have had a wonderful time.

The whole seizure thing still sucks. They have been more frequent and let me tell ya, it's not the sort of thing you get used to. I'm still working on figuring out what that's all about. I assume I always will be. It's frightening that this little thing has overtaken my life and is the first thing I think about when I wake up in the morning. In fact I think about it all day every day in pretty much all that I do. Ridiculous.

Things are alright I guess. I need to get a new office job so I can afford my rent. I also need to work on getting a full cabaret together. This new year coming up is a world of I don't know. I don't know where I will be working or what I will be doing. I could be homeless. I could but I don't think my mother would let that happen. I wouldn't handle moving back to Illinois well though. I might prefer the homeless New York lifestyle. Depends on the season.

Also, I'm considering becoming a nudist. Does anyone have any advice on that?

What can I say?

I've really missed you all. I miss having this outlet. I know some people read without commenting but I'm talking about the actual friends I have made through blogging. Sometimes I think you all know more about me than anyone else. So I'm sure you are wondering where I have been. The truth is, nowhere. I just can't find reason to write. You know what I mean. I know you do. We have all hit that wall at some point. For the record I am taking suggestions if you want to give me some.

Being unemployed is harder than I thought it would be. I don't feel the kind of stress I had at my last job anymore and I'm so thankful for that but even still I'm really scared. I feel like the choices I make now I have to live with for the rest of my life. I am terrified of going into another corporate job that makes me hate myself. I have not talked about the job hunt process with anyone in my life and I don't intend to. I'm noticing about myself that I tend to be a very private person but only in very obscure ways. I always thought I was more open than most but I must have been wrong. Oh well. We are always learning something new, right?

I guess I'm mostly dropping in to say hello and I am alive. I have not given up on blogging. I will be back. I have also been reading everybody's posts as much as possible but I don't comment much so I apologize for that. I'll try working on it.

Apologies all around.
Much Love.
- Knight

I miss acting.

I miss getting excited about a character and examining a script knowing you will be telling the story. I love the preparation and rehearsal required to build relationships with other characters and to captivate the audience. Working with another actor and a director going beat by beat to perfect the scene is one of the best ways I can imagine spending my time. I miss even the smallest things like stage markers and finding the light. I really wanted this to be my life but somehow I got sidetracked by money. I was terrified of not paying rent or eating and being on a tour for the rest of my life. I didn't believe in myself. I didn't think I would ever be proud of myself. I didn't think I would be able to take care of myself.

When I started working at the company where I am currently employed it was part time. Only fifteen hours a week so maybe I could still audition. It didn't come close to paying rent of course. I was picking up other random jobs at theaters and promotional modeling gigs. I wasn't acting but I was gal Friday to a lot of places. It got old. I was offered more hours at my day job and I happily took them for the money. The woman I was working with got ill and had to leave on disability. I got her job. Next thing you know I keep getting promoted and I'm in a totally new department working long hours and wondering what happened to my life. I'm completely dependent on the security and afraid to pursue what I really want. I don't even call myself an actor anymore.

I don't know how this turned into a dear diary post. I wanted to write and the stream of conscious brought me here. Don't get me wrong, I am thrilled that I have had a few shows recently and singing is really my love but I can't help feeling like I'm missing out on something I once promised myself.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

I know I'm a bit early but I probably won't be back in time.


My resolutions for 2009 (to be promptly forgotten by 1:05 am) are the following:

1) Find work in life that makes me happy.

2) Stop having seizures...somehow.

3) Replace the lack of drinking with even more sex. (Casey, this is your job. Oh, and apologies to any of Casey's family members that read this and may be traumatized.)

4) Meet a blogger. Anyone want to help me out with this one?

5) Continue having a wonderful life full of great family, friends, and bloggers that brighten it up.

HAPPY NEW YEAR. Cheers!!!

Novel Relations

I'm reading my favorite book again. I've read it so many times I lost count. The author is inconsistent and cynical but writes life experiences with an honesty I admire. Each time I pick up the book a line or idea will strike me and stay in my thoughts for days. The book is Of Human Bondage by W. Somerset Maugham. I wanted to share a line that has been swimming in my brain.

"There's always one who loves and one who lets himself be loved."

In the context of the book the character makes similar statements several times and basically decides that in a relationship one person always loves more than the other or one loves and the reciprocate allows it without returning.

It troubles me. I have been party to and witness of this in the past but if it were true every time why would we bother? Is it because we don't realize until it is over? Are people content with this? With all the complexities within a relationship this can't possibly always be the case but I hope I'm not just saying that because I don't want to believe it.

The BIG 25

This is my last post for the next few days. Tonight is another dinner with Casey's Fam. Then Saturday is DURAN DURAN.

Sunday is my b-day party in the park as long as Jebus doesn't pee on us that day. Interestingly enough, there are times where NYC rain is yellow and sticky just like some large giant in the sky was urinating. What a gross thought.

If it's nice I'll post pictures of the party.

Monday is my real birthday and I'm not coming to work.
Happy Birthday To ME Happy Birthday TO ME!!

I don't like cake but feel free to celebrate with flowers and liquor.



Quarter Life Crisis Time!!!!

Money Can't Buy You Love

We met at a boxing charity event. One of those grand dining things where you pay a couple thousand for a seat. It was a black tie event with a fancy dinner and boxing matches. Odd mix, I know. W was at a table of wealthy men. I was one of the women hired to walk around in an evening gown and make small talk all night. I was twenty one at the time and found this event to be a great place to network. W was 40 and the second he saw me grabbed my hand and didn't let me out of his sight. I make that sound more dramatic than it really was. In a way he played hard to get and for whatever reason I found him charming.

I should have known right away something was odd because an attractive millionaire in really great shape is unlikely to be single at forty years old. I didn't notice though. I thought he was a lot of fun. We would go out to some quiet little place and have a glass of wine or wander around the city. It started off very low key. I was uncomfortable going out with him because I didn't want him spending money on me and I didn't have much at the time. We spent a lot of time at his gorgeous lower east side apartment. One night we ordered a pizza and this should have been the major tipoff. When the delivery guy showed up he could barely speak English and couldn't understand why W was being sarcastic about it taking almost an hour to arrive. W got agitated with him, barely tipped the guy, started yelling, and slammed the door on him. I was in shock. I recall saying "What the hell was that about?" but he didn't seem to understand I was talking about him. I let it go but it obviously didn't leave my mind.

The more time we spent together the more I realized he was constantly trying to impress me with with his possessions and the lavish life he could provide for me. At the same time he was slowly cutting me with little reminders of how little I have or the insignificance of my career. He sought out my insecurities and used them against me. If I had realized that in the beginning I would have run for the hills but he was sneaky about it. It was a slow process.

W had a house in Miami but during the time we dated he spent a lot of time in New York with me. The few times he spent a weekend at his house he would call me and tell me to go hop a jet blue flight. He supposedly missed me and wanted to see me right away. He was going to pay and I just couldn't handle that so I never went. Looking back on those moments I realize he was trying to use this as another way to manipulate me. I'm glad I didn't take the bait.

Over Thanksgiving I attended a family reunion at my parents house in Illinois. W called me several times a day. It seemed charming at first that he cared so much he kept checking in. I think he was lonely that Holiday. I don't remember what was said anymore. I think I blocked it out but I remember being so embarrassed and disappointed with him over what he said to me that I hid from my family and cried. I was screwed at this point because I really did care about him. Stupid Stupid Girl.

Then I got strong again. Manipulate me and you get it back. I disappeared for a bit but then we started talking again. He told me he wanted me to stay at his apartment while he was living in Miami. I said no. He would try to mess with my emotions and I would turn the tables on him so fast he didn't know what hit him. Don't think I don't know your insecurities too honey.

One time we were sitting in front of his fireplace and he was harassing me about something. I said, "Don't start with me. Don't think I won't hit you." He continued. With the back of my left hand I hit him in the chest. You know the kind. A "Knock it off." tap. He screamed in a high pitched tone like a little girl which caught me off guard so I immediately fell for his games again and asked very concerned if he was okay. I quote, "I can't believe you hit me. Never, never hit me like that again." I laughed in his face. You are kidding, right? I thought it was a joke. He was serious. Confused I let it go but about an hour later out of the blue he said. "Don't you ever hit me again." Look, I'm not an abusive person and if I thought I had hurt him or did anything wrong I would apologize but this was outrageous.

There were a few more occasions, usually over the phone, where he would say something outright rude and eventually I was fed up. I cared about him at some point but he killed it. I finally admitted to my friends that I thought he was emotionally abusive and I was done. He kept calling and sending me rude e-mails. I ignored him. I saw him almost a year later. He was in town because he was backing a new restaurant about to open. I showed up for a minute to say hello before meeting a friend. He asked me why it was over. I told him I felt he was emotionally abusive. He offered me a job as a go-go dancer. That was the last slap in the face. I told him he would be lonely forever and left.

On the outside of this relationship I was viewed as the young gold digger that was with him for the money. I don't know what people said to him about me but I can assume. I know everyone around me thought it was ridiculous I was dating a man so much older. There were certainly labels. Poor pathetic W didn't realize he had no reason to be so insecure with me. I think he had been used for his money before but I'm not that person. I think he knew that too. He just didn't know how to treat someone right. It explains a lot in retrospect. I don't regret anything because I learned a lot. I learned what that sort of relationship is like and I will never be in one again.

Looking back over this post I realize I painted a dark picture. I want to reiterate that wasn't all there was to it. I am not the type to take shit from people. There was a real romance happening at the same time. It's just obscured by my memories of all the bad.

Home(s)

I'm the type of person that really enjoys having alone time. I only have one sibling and we both had our own rooms growing up. My parents allowed us a lot of privacy because they both worked and for the most part respected our private space.
When I first moved to New York six and 1/2 years ago I lived in student housing (aka: a dirty little closet with a bunk bed) with a nice enough girl from the UK. It was a big change. When I finally moved into an apartment it was a rodent infested two bedroom converted to a three. We had very little space and it was hard not to fight because we couldn't get away from each other. It didn't help that one of the roommates was a close-talker and we would have to physically hold her back with our arms. When we realized we had mice I stopped sleeping and made myself sick. We had to move.

Luckily I went on tour for three months (living in a van and hotel rooms) and when I got back I moved with one roommate to queens. This wasn't so bad. Our dumb ass super never turned on the heat in the winter so we were always freezing but at least we didn't have infestations. We were in a two story house. At one point the apt below us had a fire in their closet. I had just walked out of the apartment to the deli and by the time I got back the place was surrounded by fire trucks. They had axed down our door and all of the windows. My roommates bed was covered in glass, our windows were all boarded up, and our new front door/piece of wood was locked shut with padlocks. Meaning, we had to come and go together. The "fire" was just smoke. We were done with Queens.
At the end of that year we decided we needed to be back in Manhattan and somehow a two bedroom for less rent than our Queens apartment was located via Craigslist on the Upper East Side. This was new territory for both of us but it was the perfect amount of space and the six floor walk up made our legs stay in great shape. Here is the proof.

Living on the UES forces you to get used to taking buses which is a big step in Manhattan living. Until you learn the bus system you don't ever bother going across town. You would consider the other side of Central Park non existent. We lived in that apartment together for two years until June last year when I finally had the opportunity I have longed for my entire life. Living alone!

It was finally financially possible for me to get an apartment by myself in a safe neighborhood. It's wonderful. It is the tinniest place ever and I should never have more than three people in in at once but it's mine. It's my stuff and it's always empty when I get there. I love coming home to my empty apartment where if there is a mess it is never unexpected. It's my food and my space and I'm all alone to do whatever odd things I please. All this sounds wonderful but I have developed a new problem. I find that I never want to leave. What if I become some sort of Anti-Social freak and my old friends would have to come drag me out physically? Creepy.
I wonder what will happen next? I don't forsee upgrading any time in the next several years. Will I stay where I am? Who knows. Life is a crapshoot.

The Hot and the Homeless

Last night I was out drinking wine and listening to jazz with A and NYCeCe.
We had not all been out together in awhile and it was great to catch up on a lot of things. At one point we remembered one of those great city stories that is blog worthy. NyCeCe promised to write it and if she does I will link it here but I'm going to do my half assed version anyway.
******************************************
One summer night several years ago I was headed to meet NyCeCe at her job on the Upper West Side. I did this frequently so I usually stood outside the employee exit and waited for her to come out. I was still a block or two away from her job when an extremely attractive man stops me in the street. He started telling me how stunning I am (which in this city happens to everyone everywhere) but I was a little surprised by his behavior. I thanked him and tried to keep walking but he followed me. "I know this is awkward and I don't want to scare you but I'm in a bad situation and I was hoping you could help."
I'm not usually very nice to strangers but he had captured my interest. After all, he was damn hot. He told me that he recently became homeless and needed a place to stay. He asked me, a stranger in the street, if he could come home with me. I laughed and said I wasn't going home, I was going to meet a friend at her work. Then I commented that he certainly didn't look homeless.
I kept walking. He followed. "Do you mind if I join you while you wait for your friend?" He was kind of charming. Sure attractive homeless guy. You can wait with me in the street because NyCeCe has to see this.
It was worth it. She came out of that employee exit, saw me standing with this guy and I could see the "Who's the hottie?" look on her face. I introduced him by name and then promptly announced, "We just met. He's homeless." So we invited him to join us for a pitcher of Sangria.
As we drank our fruity wine we were asking him questions about why he was homeless and where he had been staying. Basically, we were trying to figure him out. It didn't make sense. In the meantime he is hitting on both of us and trying to get one of us to invite him home. On the one hand, the guy needed help. On the other, we are not stupid. Visions of Charles Manson are going through our heads. So we both told him over and over again that we were very sorry but neither of us would be providing his shelter for the night. Then he pulled out a $20 and tried to pay for the Sangria. What? Where did that come from? No homeless man, this one is on us.
I don't really remember what happened after we left that place. I think we basically ran so the guy would stop following us.
This is only one of the many, many odd outings we have shared. I like this story. I frequently wonder where the hot homeless man is now. I wonder what lucky lady finally did take him home. I also wonder if he killed her. Ah, good times.

Best Winter Solstice Party Ever!

This year my company decided not to have a holiday party, again. So we threw our own last night. It turned out so much better since it was just the four of us and one former co-worker. We didn't have to mingle with the people you spend the entire year trying to avoid.

We decided to go out for Winter Solstice Drinks at Divine Bar East. It would have been perfect but they had a private party taking up the seating area and we didn't want to stand so we walked to some random joint nearby and got a table near the bar. A couple drinks later details get blurry.

We spent the morning trying to put the pieces together about what happened last night. We had delicious Tapas and a cheese platter. Chocolate martinis, french martinis, wine and something orange consistently appeared in our hands. We gave out too much information, or, maybe that was just me. We decided we all love each other. Someone drank from someone else's stiletto. We called my wife NYCeCe and spoke about lip gloss bein popin' among other things. I recall a photo shoot with underwear/ bar wedgies. A lot of us have bite marks today. Man, we can party. Surprisingly enough, we all showed up at work today! I was late and one left early (too much cheese plate) but we all came.

It was a good night and the best Solstice party we could possibly have. Happy Winter Solstice to you and yours!

Just talkin' bout shit.

Raise your hand if you feel like this

I do...

I don't know what is going on but this week I feel like the walking dead. Not ill or anything but constantly tired. I believe the word many would use is "pooped" (I will never, ever use this word in person). Even though my body could fall asleep standing I just can't seem to turn off my mind. It's so annoying to want to fall asleep but it feels like your thoughts won't slow down. I know you can relate.

Hmm... other things. What other things do I want to bring up? I really enjoy the show The View now that Whoopi is on it. I like how she handles that crazy Elizabeth nut job. They spoke about abortion briefly yesterday and I realized I agree with almost everything Whoopi says. Not just in that situation but regarding a lot of things and to be honest, this surprised me. I'm shocked I even like the show at all since it's a bunch of old women bickering over each other but I do enjoy the extremes of how they each see things. It makes every topic a little more interesting. Plus, with all the commercial breaks it's really only 20 minutes of show within the hour and I'm able to skip the other crap.

Hey, if you are reading this you obviously have a lot of time to kill. Why don't you start wasting large amounts of time HERE?
When you click on the link the games are on the left side. I suggest starting with Grow Cube. It's sort of a game but mostly a big puzzle that gets you so invested in solving it you will waste hours of your life. Enjoy!!!

In an Up-Swing

Life is good my friends. Take in that Autumn-is-a-comin' air and let it hit the bottom of your lungs. You're alive damnit and even though most of us are bitterly stuck in an office all freakin day we still have options. There are things to learn, people to meet, revelations, revolutions, conversations, dinners, projects, creations, and by Jebus I'm going to live it! Anybody else feel like doing something? Anything? Anytime? I'm up for it all. I feel talkative and I'm looking for some inspiration. Join me in my manic state!

P.S. Darla, where did you go?

Four Years... Four F'n Years...

Can you guess what I am talking about? Today marks my 4th anniversary of the day I sold my soul to corporate america. I told some of my coworkers and they just stare at me with pity. Wow. I'm scared of what this means for me and my future. I'm only 24 years old you know. What in the hell am I doing? Can someone please explain to me how to collect unemployment? Just in case I get fired?

Copy Cat

Gemini (May 21 - Jun 20)
Your push to succeed may begin to soften, even as you receive a boost of energy today. You are less concerned now with doing your job, yet more interested about the distant future. Maybe it's time to reconnect with old friends so you can share your hopes and dreams with them as you reevaluate your life's direction.

What the crap does that mean?

These always confuse me because I don't know if they are talking about my career that I have or the career that I want to have. I do have a boost of energy but my head is still all cloudy and confused so it's hard to get my shit together. I suppose I am more interested in the distant future since I have no idea what I want to do in it. I certainly do not want to connect with old friends because I feel that I am no longer connected to them for a reason. I like the new people in my life better. I want to connect with the new friends and continue connecting with current friends. Lets all get together and brainstorm. I need to reevaluate. Hey didn't I write about my life's direction in my last post? *Twilight zone theme plays here.*

Still Alive

In the early hours of Tuesday morning as I was drifting in and out of sleep I suddenly thought it was the end for me. I woke just enough to roll on to my left side when suddenly my whole body collapsed into the bed. I felt like I was cramping up all over in every muscle and every joint. I tried to look at the clock but I couldn't move my head. I couldn't move anything. This is when panic set in. I tried to call out to my roommate for help but I couldn't get my mouth to move. I couldn't do anything at all but lie there in excruciating pain. It occurred to me that I might die in that very spot and nobody would find me for days. I was praying that the pain would soon end and that I would make it through when I noticed that my arm was shaking. Was I having a seizure? A heart attack? What was happening? Finally the pain started to ease and I could think a little more clearly. I'm alive. I know I'm alive and I'm so unbelievably tired. Then I passed out.
Next morning at the ER I get an IV and CatScan. The Neurologist does some basic testing to make sure I don't have any damage. Diagnosis: Seizure. Could have been caused by any number of things but they don't want to treat me unless it happens again. I'm set up for more tests and referred to another neurologist for more review. Off I go back into the world with no changes made. Now I can't sleep at night because I'm afraid I will choke to death on my own tongue.
I can't help but feel like this is all supposed to mean something. What though? Am I not going in the right direction? Is the direction right but my vehicle all wrong? I really hope I get this figured out soon because I want to stick around for awhile.