Monday, November 29, 2010

Monkeys and Goobers - Probably NSFW


You think your family is strange? Arguing and getting drunk is just the normal family way of saying I tolerate you for the holidays. That doesn’t make your family crazy. I’m going to be realistic. I don’t think my family is crazy. I think they are gross.


I spent the holidays with my family hearing stories about monkeys and goobers. Sound silly? Well maybe it is. Here is a story example: Apparently sometime recently my ten year old cousin was playing a game of Would You Rather with my mom, grandmother, and aunt. This is just a fun little car game to pass the time and keep the kid occupied. So the question comes up “Would you rather kiss a monkey or….” Nobody can quite remember the end of it because my grandmother and aunt get so “tickled” they can’t stop laughing. You see, my grandmother is from Alabama and when she was growing up they used different words for things they didn’t want to say. She then used some of those same words when raising her own children. So basically my ten year old cousin asked my mother “Would you rather kiss a vagina or……” and that is all they remember. Monkeys have such soft lips. So we went on talking about monkeys and their male counterpart “goobers” for a while. My mother mentioned the horror she felt of people saying they hacked up a goober from their throat.


Well anyway, then my grandmother is trying to tell me and my mother that bathing is better for your monkey as opposed to showering. Some hundred year old doctor told my grandmother that bathing is better for “cleaning her out”. I’m sorry but if your monkey is sucking up water like a straw, something is wrong. I mean, it might be a cool party trick but grandma doesn’t have the aim she used to.


I apologize. That was disturbing. Sharing with you all has become my therapy so you will have to experience the pain too. There were many other stories along these lines including my grandmother asking very seriously as I put on my bra if I got a boob job. (Side note: Why does everyone ask this? I mean, if I were spending money on my chest I would have gone MUCH bigger.) Oh, I was sharing a hotel room with mom and grandma. That is why my grandmother was witnessing me put on my bra. She then became abusively insistent that my mom needs an “Oprah Bra”. WTF is an “Oprah Bra?” If grandma said it I probably don’t need to know. She also mentioned at random that my now dead grandfather “ripped her crack”. AGH! Holy Broken Butt Cheeks Grandma! Keep those sexy tidbits to yourself!


Perhaps I should stop now. I have so much more to share but I won’t do that to you ya little goobers. Just remember this holiday season that it’s important to share and reminisce with your family. Get personal. Really get to know the ones you love. A disturbed and perverted family is a happy family. I love them all. Bottoms Up!

15 comments:

kcinnova said...

*snort*
Can't. Stop. Laughing!
ROTFLMBO

Cheers, Knight!

Reb said...

LOL! I have no idea what an Oprah Bra is either. Ya gotta love the older generations though, they have nothing to be embarrassed about anymore, keeps life interesting that way ;)

Jay said...

Now that sounds like some good times! You should have gotten this all on video.

Mike said...

I have a whole new perspective on monkeys and goobers.

Micky-T said...

The Monkey Lips...

That would be a good name for a band.

Good stuff Knight, let's keep this session going, shall we?

Gary's third pottery blog said...

OH Knight, gosh *blush*. Well, Benji tells me that this evening you two are... :) Hogs and kisses to you both!

Knot said...

My grandmother told me about her sex life once. (shutter)

Doc said...

Reading this just made my morning! HAHA! Thanks Knight...

Moooooog35 said...

This brings a whole new meaning to Dieter saying 'touch my monkey' on 'Sprockets.'

Makes sense, actually.

LL said...

Ripped her crack? You know... that means Gramps had a helluva goober...

You should be proud. Think of the sales pitch to your prospective suitors about their progeny... "don't worry honey, size doesn't matter to me, I come from donkey stock."

Oh... and if you had a boob job, I would expect pictures. ;)

Farmer*swife a/k/a Glass_Half_Full said...

Ha! Ha! Kiss a monkey!!! And, the whole bath story? Flip me over my barstool!

What's with peeps and boobs?

Ripped her crack? I'm thinking that was the child birthing... Though, I never met your Grandpa ;-) Ha ha!

This was such a fun share! Thanks for that, Gal!

Mike said...

That wasn't NSFW!! NSFW involves images!

That is all.

Dianne said...

Oprah suggests the same brand and style of bra everytime she mentions how hefting her bazooms around gives her a backache
she has actually had shows dedicated to bra fittings
and yes, it's disturbing that I know this

off to bathe my monkey now ...

Bathwater said...

No thanks those are some conversations I'd rather NOT have with anyone in my family.

GMEyster said...

You should write a book, Knight. Or a one-woman show. Love it!