Art & Familial Pride

I’m fairly certain that I am looking at a self-portrait of my brother’s girlfriend’s vagina.

Now you are too.

Don’t worry, it is art. You see, my brother’s girlfriend is an extremely talented artist in Chicago. Apparently she just had an opening at some gallery and several of her amazing pieces are on display. Since her pieces are beautiful paintings of vaginas, technically her naughty bits are on display. You wouldn’t assume that is what you are looking at but I get the inside scoop from my brother.  So today when I noticed he changed his Facebook profile picture to a painting I realized…. that’s a vagina.

They sell for quite a bit of money. We considered trying to purchase a small painting as a Christmas gift to go with the bacon lube we gave our grandmother. Unfortunately it was too expensive.  I’ll just buy her a mirror and tell her to look at her own. Is that inappropriate? Have I gone too far? Yes. Yes I have.

In other news, my mother was voted Queen Groundhog by her Rotary Club. This amazing picture of people dressing her up with teeth and fur made one of the local newspapers. 

Everyone harassed her that entire day. I’m so proud!

White Liars Outtakes

This is a little awkward for obvious reasons but I'm sharing it with you blog friends anyway. If you have yet to see the web series White Liars you are really letting me down. Or, you would be if there was any way for me to know. Whatever. I'm going to share the special outtakes video with you in hopes of making you laugh or at least getting you interested enough to watch episode three where I make a cameo.

Warning... there is a lot of my bare skin in the clip.

Vincent Price was REALLY Into Spanking

This has nothing to do with anything. I just thought you should know.

You're Welcome.

The Gutter

My mind is wasted. I mean, I think it might be drunk. Or perhaps I just have ADD. I have been having a major problem with distraction in every single part of my day and I’ve got to be honest with you, most of the time my mind is in the gutter. Am I the only person with this problem? I can’t possibly be.

While I’m at work I go through my tasks of the morning and chat with my coworkers while brewing a pot of coffee. I try to work quickly and efficiently but as soon as I’m quietly working at my desk my mind wanders off to thoughts of past encounters. Thankfully I can do this while still working until my boss walks up and asks a question. Something about him makes you feel guilty for not being the purist soul on the planet and although he couldn’t possibly know I fear he will somehow see it on my face.

After work while I’m at the bar or elsewhere with friends I’ve noticed I go silent and stare at the wall if they are boring me. I know that sounds terrible but sometimes people you see on a regular basis start talking about things with each other that you have no desire to contribute to. Like baseball. So my mind wanders off to thoughts of things to try. Then I get a nudge from someone and a “you, okay?” and I realize I might have a problem. Luckily most of them already know my soul is dark and dirty so that isn’t a shocker to anyone.

Then I go home and watch constant episodes of “The Golden Girls” because “Frasier” became too distracting after I developed a crush on Kelsey Grammer. God help Betty White! I’m kidding I’m kidding, calm down. She is pretty hot for a 90 year old woman though.

Whoa, anyway…. Like I said I’ve been having this problem with distraction and I’m wondering if anyone knows what I can do about it.

Bruce Dickinson: Guess what… I got a fever! And the only prescription.. is more cowbell!

The B Theory

Sunday night I was in a cab with two of my friends as we headed to our apartments after a long day of playing poker. As we chatted a strange conversation came up where one of the friends says “You’ve never heard of the B theory?” At least I think that is what he was calling it. Neither of us were familiar. Apparently the B theory applies to people that you would be interested in sleeping with just once under the terms that it was never mentioned ever again or you never had to see the person ever again. This would be guaranteed. So theoretically, who would be on your list? Close friends? Somebody you don’t like all that much as a person but you think might be amazing in the sack? Your boss? Go ahead and think about it.

*Insert Jeopardy Music – Funkafied for Sex Appeal*

So I thought about it. At first it seemed kind of like a funny idea. This is of course assuming that you are not cheating on anyone and it’s all in good safe fun. I went along with it and tried to think of someone.

That night I had nightmares.

I know it had something to do with the B theory so new and fresh in my mind. That night I had some horrible dream where I was at some sort of class reunion and apparently I went to school at Bayside High because the old classmate I was getting frisky with was Mario Lopez.

AHHHHHHH! I am not a fan of that pretty boy. It got weirder in a suddenly I’m naked in a room full of people sort of way. I woke up feeling a little nauseous and very upset with myself over my lack of taste in personality and overall indiscretion. Turns out the B theory is not for me.

But still, if you could……do you have a name on that list?

Monkeys and Goobers - Probably NSFW

You think your family is strange? Arguing and getting drunk is just the normal family way of saying I tolerate you for the holidays. That doesn’t make your family crazy. I’m going to be realistic. I don’t think my family is crazy. I think they are gross.

I spent the holidays with my family hearing stories about monkeys and goobers. Sound silly? Well maybe it is. Here is a story example: Apparently sometime recently my ten year old cousin was playing a game of Would You Rather with my mom, grandmother, and aunt. This is just a fun little car game to pass the time and keep the kid occupied. So the question comes up “Would you rather kiss a monkey or….” Nobody can quite remember the end of it because my grandmother and aunt get so “tickled” they can’t stop laughing. You see, my grandmother is from Alabama and when she was growing up they used different words for things they didn’t want to say. She then used some of those same words when raising her own children. So basically my ten year old cousin asked my mother “Would you rather kiss a vagina or……” and that is all they remember. Monkeys have such soft lips. So we went on talking about monkeys and their male counterpart “goobers” for a while. My mother mentioned the horror she felt of people saying they hacked up a goober from their throat.

Well anyway, then my grandmother is trying to tell me and my mother that bathing is better for your monkey as opposed to showering. Some hundred year old doctor told my grandmother that bathing is better for “cleaning her out”. I’m sorry but if your monkey is sucking up water like a straw, something is wrong. I mean, it might be a cool party trick but grandma doesn’t have the aim she used to.

I apologize. That was disturbing. Sharing with you all has become my therapy so you will have to experience the pain too. There were many other stories along these lines including my grandmother asking very seriously as I put on my bra if I got a boob job. (Side note: Why does everyone ask this? I mean, if I were spending money on my chest I would have gone MUCH bigger.) Oh, I was sharing a hotel room with mom and grandma. That is why my grandmother was witnessing me put on my bra. She then became abusively insistent that my mom needs an “Oprah Bra”. WTF is an “Oprah Bra?” If grandma said it I probably don’t need to know. She also mentioned at random that my now dead grandfather “ripped her crack”. AGH! Holy Broken Butt Cheeks Grandma! Keep those sexy tidbits to yourself!

Perhaps I should stop now. I have so much more to share but I won’t do that to you ya little goobers. Just remember this holiday season that it’s important to share and reminisce with your family. Get personal. Really get to know the ones you love. A disturbed and perverted family is a happy family. I love them all. Bottoms Up!

Holiday Gig

Do you know anyone that needs a Holiday band for their office party? Oh yes, it's already that time of year folks. Start planning out your xmas gifts and using Santa as a threat to the kiddies.

I can't type the name of the band here because I don't want any booking agents associating me with my blog and not my bio. Instead I'm going to post a little sound bite we threw together for our electronic mailings. I feel obligated to let you know what I'm up to every now and then. Plus, Gary asked nicely.

GET IN THE f'n SPIRIT ALREADY!

Inadequate Equipment

I either have cramps or my soul is dying. I'm betting it's my soul.

I've been in the office for nine hours now and it's at least another hour before I will be able to leave. At one point I walked down to the lunch area and got some shitty coffee with animal crackers out of a vending machine. That was my four minute lunch. I think if I don't get out of this chair more often I will turn into a hunchback. That's really going to piss me off because I have no idea where hunchbacks are supposed to shop for clothes. Wait, maybe that is a business opportunity just waiting to be tapped into. Are there enough people out there in need of that extra back space to justify starting a clothing line? Can you tell how desperate I am for any change of scenery whatsoever?

I have some sort of freakish e-mail addiction. I have to check my mail constantly or I get a little manic over what I could be missing. Just my personal accounts of course. I have no real desire to constantly check my work mail. Not only is my work mail consistently providing more crap to the pile but it also has the ability to make me feel like less of a man. When I sat down at my desk this morning I had several messages from my own e-mail address and this is what I was greeted with in the subject lines of my unread mail:

Don’t lack confidence if front of women
Never be lonely again
Every girl will beg you for more
Denise rode me to ectasy all night
Never be lonely again
Ashamed of your small tool?
Never be lonely again
Want to put on the inches?
Nothing like a big steel rod in her
She’ll always want to go down on you
Give it to her big time
Make her bring you home
Show off your new longer rod ASAP
Growing big is super easy
Grow massive with ease

I'm a little creeped out. It appears I am the only person in the office with this spamming issue. I obviously don't have to worry about this problem but if I did I would certainly want to know who was spreading the word of how inadequate my equipment is. Actually I think the most disturbing part is how often I appear to tell myself to never be lonely again. It sneaks in there a lot. *That's what she said.* Showing off my longer rod ASAP did make me laugh. Something about getting it out ASAP seems really inappropriate while I'm at work.