Attention Lodge Skanks and Curmudgeons,
At this time I, Carly Knight, would like to announce my candidacy for President of The Lodge in the upcoming November 2011 election.
This may come as a surprise to none of you considering the endless hours I’ve spent at (Insert name of bar) campaigning over the last year. I feel it’s very important to know the lushes of the Lodge and their various hopes, dreams, needs, and cocktail orders. I’ve also put forth the extra effort to ensure a comfortable Lodging experience by befriending all Bartenders, Bar backs, and Bouncers. They are essential to our cause in securing a well bused table and well lubricated cast of characters.
In my role as Secretary of Defense not a single Lodge member has been raped or pillaged, during Lodge hours. As President of The Lodge I would continue to maintain safety by wearing weaponry as well as taking security up a notch by directing a fan towards whoever has the strongest stench of the day (most likely Loraine). This will direct the stench out the window towards possible thieving Pirate Queens and away from The Lodge members making our overall experience much more enjoyable.
My hopes for The Lodge in the upcoming year include actualizing the many exciting theme events we’ve discussed such as Prom, Pajama Parties, and Mud Wrestling. I look forward to the induction of new members; however, as President I would require a full delousing and proper grope of Lodge candidates. This should help keep out the riff-raff.
I’m not campaigning on Hope for The Lodge. I don’t want to bring about change. I just want to help my beloved Lodge friends imbibe in an environment free of worms and crabs. We can take care of the current President Freddy Geils’ fruit fly problem once and for all. I’ll ensure that wet wipes are always available to those in fear of infection. I’ll help Vice President Miranda finally gets some medication for his incontinence problem, or at least buy him a diaper. We’ll keep a vat of scabies cream behind the bar for the lot of you, because I care.
I have a dream that one day this Lodge will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: “We hold this booze to be self-evident: that all alcoholics are created equal.” If I am elected President I will do my best to keep The Lodge strong not only because I love all of you but because my therapist thinks it’s good for me.
Secretary of Defense