Is This Really My Life?

Since this blog is my therapy outlet it appears I have turned it into a recap of what I do with my life. Well, that isn’t stopping now. So let’s talk about my weekend. Actually, let me talk. You just sit there and read with an uncomfortable look on your face.

Friday night I was hanging out with the gorgeous and ridiculously talented Benji. I plied him with wine and delicious bloody marys. He drew this amazing picture of me within about a minute and said it was just practice. What he drew in seconds I couldn’t accomplish in….ever. I would post it but that would be weird. Then we went out on the town and talked about our different kissing methods. (Yep Ben, I just announced that on my blog ;) So, yeah that was the highlight of my weekend.

It was all downhill from there.

Saturday I went to rehearsal with the terrible cover band. Apparently my “friend” succeeded in kicking out the bass player because a guy I had never seen before walked in the door and started playing with us. That’s too bad. The original bass was a nice guy. Then afterwards I went to my Cheers bar where I discovered that this same “friend” has been trash talking me for months to anyone that will listen. He was upset when he found out I was dating the bartender so he has basically been making up stories and making me look like a whore. Thanks a lot asshole. You just wait and see the kind of wrath I’m capable of. He’ll get his I assure you.

Speaking of assholes…..

Saturday night I was supposed to hang out with Sky which would be the first time we hung out just the two of us out on the town since the breakup. He bailed on me. I got a headache (probably from the wrath) and went to sleep ridiculously early. Sunday I woke up, did some work, and went roller skating. Sky wanted to see the new Woody Allen movie so we made plans. We met at the bar and everything was going fine. We got on the subway and irrational anger started pouring out of both of us. It turned into a loud F&% YOU fight on the platform. It was humiliating. He blames everything on me and I know he expects me to apologize. I disagree. So we aren’t speaking.

Then I drowned myself in tears and liquor which is a very sexy look on any devastated girl. It screams “I’m an easy target!” Luckily I survived and woke up today still shaken up but ready for a hungover day at the office.

How was your weekend?

Covered in Welts

It has been an entertaining week thus far. I don’t remember Monday at all so I assume I had an amazing time. Tuesday night my office held a seminar for wealthy weird old people so that they might save money on taxes. A lot of these wealthy people are a huge pain in my freakin’ ass. Over privileged asshats. It’s a wonder I don’t slap them. I made it through okay only because we had a ridiculous amount of wine and cheese. I slept like a drunken baby that night. We all know drunken babies are adorable.

Last night I shot a bunch of people. I went paintballing with a large group of friends at an indoor field. I was a virgin. This was all the more entertaining because the creamy reddish white paintballs made you look like you just stepped out of a horrifying orgy when the game was done. We were in a small space and there were a lot of us so you got hit A LOT. 150 mph paintballs would hit you in the face (covered by a mask) chest, arms, and legs. My friend had one ricochet up into her mask and break in her mouth. I shot her boyfriend in the neck and it bled. I have welts on my inner thigh and ass. It was AWESOME! Three hours of this passed like fifteen minutes. If my daily workout could be shooting people I would be a pro.

Now I guess I have to start thinking about Thanksgiving. I usually make sangria for everyone. Here is my recipe for extremely intoxicating wine juice.
One Bottle or Jug of a Rich Red Wine (Cheap)
3 cups or One Bottle of White Rum (Add the amount that best suits you and your hangover needs.)
½ Cup of Sugar (Powdered or Regular It Doesn’t Matter)
1 Orange – 1 Lemon – 1 Lime – Other Fruit You Like to add like Apples or Whatever Crazy stuff you are into.
Directions: Add the rum to a bowl or container or whatever the hell it fits in. Mix in the sugar. Slice up all your fruit and toss it in with the sugar rum. Leave it in the fridge overnight. That last step might be hard for some of you because who can leave a large amount of fruity sugar rum in the fridge all night without drinking it? I have found that drinking other things while you prepare helps you pass out and not touch the rum until morning. Good luck. The very last step is for when you are ready to serve. Just mix your rum fantasy with your bottle/ jug of wine and stir well. I promise you will have a happy holiday and a lovely nap.