I'm Yours, for Now

I’m playing my lovely Pandora playlist while working my glorious ass off and on comes a song that fills me with so many conflicting emotions I realize I need to investigate and get over it. So, here I am writing at my self- therapy blog trying to figure out what just happened. Join me in my insanity.

The song “I’m Yours” by Jason Mraz

Why on earth would I give a shit about this song? *Sigh*

I know why. This particular song became popular around the time I traveled to the Bahamas with Casey. Casey and I were very much in love back then. He used to play me this song and tell me it reminded him of me. I think he forgot about that by now since five years have passed. I hope he forgot about it because he still sings it every time we go to karaoke and if he is doing it on purpose that’s just cruel. It really was a good time but I can’t help the fact that this song comes on and memories come rushing in.

The Bahamas trip was beautiful. We had an amazing time on the perfect beach with jet skis and snorkeling. We went to dinner every night and enjoyed every moment. Unless we were in the hotel room, that is. During that trip I realized we were very different. He wanted to be seen with me in public and have someone on his arm but when it came to being in the room we might as well have slept in separate beds. Actually, I think we did a few times thanks to sunburns. It wasn't that there was an issue or anything. We were just different people. I personally want a lot more physical affection if you get what I mean. That wasn't something that mattered much to him. At one point we were sitting out on our balcony with the cool breeze and quiet. We were talking about what we wanted in life and what mattered to us individually. I thought this was a person I might marry but at this specific moment in time I realized we had an expiration date. That moment has always haunted me. It has a dark place in my heart that still gives me nausea.  We stayed together for some time after that but eventually it had to end for both of us to have the lives we want.

A couple weeks ago Casey and his wife had a baby boy.  I would say his life is exactly what he told me he always wanted. I’m really happy for him. I would say my life is going swimmingly because I’m doing the things I wanted. However, my biggest fear is that I keep repeating the same mistakes.  If insanity is making the same mistake over and over again expecting a different result, I’m clearly insane. I somehow take the most painful things that happen to me and then fall the hardest for the first person I find that contains all of those painful qualities or risks. See? Clearly insane.

How can a song popping up on Pandora totally wreck my mind so quickly? God I hold on to a lot of pointless shit. No wonder my brain malfunctions.Now I'm tearing up. Damnit. 

I’m only posting this here because nobody actually in my life reads my blog anymore so I don’t have to sugarcoat shit. Thank you online self-therapy.

We Are Hiring!

My submission for questions to ask the prospective new employees:

Do you drink?
Do you enjoy cheese? (We eat a lot of cheese here and bitching about it is unacceptable.)
When you are on the phone do you feel the need to scream everything? (Proceed with practice test.)
Do you require a lot of hand holding?
Do you wear shoes?
Do you get really nervous doing simple tasks?
Do you shower regularly?
Do you wash your clothes regularly?
Does your laugh make others uncomfortable?
Will stories of your love life entertain us?
Do you understand the concept of cleaning up after yourself?

Can you type?

Can you identify the ring of a phone and then answer?

Are you willing to supply us with a list of your fears?

When watching sports at your desk instead of doing your job, are you able to keep your shouts to a minimum?

If only someone had thought to ask these questions before.  Then again, we would have no employees.  

30 Years and Other Things That Happened

I haven’t been here since April? Holy crap, where does the time go?

Let’s see…..

Well, I don’t remember much about May. I must have been sleeping.  I did go to Chicago to hang out with my mother and celebrate. We had amazing food and shopped a bit. My mom is pretty f’ing awesome. Everyone says so. Then we went back to my hometown and partied. It rained the whole time so we did more eating and sleeping.  It sounds sort of boring without the details.......so I will give details.

Okay, in Chicago at dinner our waiter (Magnus) brought out a scoop of ice cream with a candle in it and had the staff “sing” (the song is a series of grunts) to me for my birthday. Then he told my mother and me to go to the bar across the street and he would meet us for shots of Jameson as he was getting off work soon. We did not do this but I like to imagine he still had a good time without us.

In the hometown my grandmother set me up to have a reading by a man at her spiritual “church” she has started attending. He was an incredibly nice guy that was beaten up as a child, which caused severe damage to his brain and limbs leaving him with disfigurement throughout his body as well as epilepsy. He touched on a lot of things in my life but in the end it felt like more of a therapy session. I mentioned to him that I felt odd, like we were sharing energy and then I thought he was going to cry. We discussed dealing with epilepsy. He kept describing picturing a tree to help soothe me. A few days ago I went home to find a delivery at my apartment door. Turns out, after the reading he went home and saw a gift from his mother that he felt I needed to have. He gave it to my grandmother and asked her to get it to me. I think it’s captivating.

Then I turned 30.

I’ve been 30 for close to a month now. I feel so different. It’s like adulthood overtook me and now I have to do things like contribute a higher percentage to my retirement fund and invest in a more professional (less skin showing) wardrobe.  Okay, I’m lying. I’ve felt 30 for the last five years so pretty much nothing has changed. I still show excessive amounts of leg.

 Classy.

Panic Attacks

All the damn time.

Can't sleep.

I wake up with my heart racing and realize only ten minutes passed.

I feel like an asshole.

* At work in front of my boss * In front of the phone repair guy * In front of my boyfriend (who does not handle me well like this) * On the subway * In the elevator of my building * Alone in the shower *

This is really embarrassing.

The panic attacks were around constantly when I first developed epilepsy. I remember very well sobbing in my room all night, afraid I was going to die and then on no sleep going to the office where I would hyperventilate and hide in the stairwell. I felt crazy. In recent years they have been far less frequent. They are usually triggered by something.  Ever since my last seizure they have been constant again but I have no idea why. Everyone wants to give me advice and tell me to get therapy and drugs. Thanks. I'm aware. I've been through this before. I will get through it again. I've talked to my doctor. I've discussed options on medication. I've seen a few therapists in the past. (I think the therapists bring on more anxiety than they cure.) It's my issue to deal with alone and when it comes down to it, my doctor agrees with me that given time I will adjust again. If I can find ways to cope for myself it will pass faster.

So, I say what is scaring me out loud. I work on coming to terms with it. I breathe and wait it out.
I'm still alive.

Notes from the Universe

My beautiful and always inspiring friend Darlene posted something interesting on the book of face the other day.  It was a note from the Universe. Basically over a decade ago someone came up with an excellent idea of sending out notes from the universe via e-mail and they are doing an awesome job at it. She said hers brought her to tears. I figured, I'm having a crazy-ass week so why not give this a go? If there is a time to receive messages, maybe now is a good time to open up to them.

So I signed up.

Today I received my first message.

Learning to disassociate your dream's manifestation from the illusions that now surround you, to release yourself from the burden of figuring out the "hows," and to trust what can't be seen, are the high watermarks of creative enlightenment. And, Carly, I must say, you're disassociating, releasing, and trusting like never before. Wow -     The Universe I'm aware of how impressively vague this message is, but who cares? I think it beautifully applies to all that I spoke of in my last post. Literally. This is what I have learned about the universe thus far in life, ask a question and it will find a way to respond to you. Dear Universe, Lately I have found you to be terrifying and awesome. You really know how to bring out the emotions in me. Emotions and utter confusion. I thank you for all that you are teaching me as it is the purpose of life after all.  Of course I'm writing with a request as I'm sure you are aware with your all-knowing abilities. Plus, humans are really needy. Alright I'll get to the point. Would you help me find another way into singing or performance in any capacity? I seriously started crying while watching The Voice last night and I don't even follow that show. I have zero investment in the contestants. I just felt jealous that I wasn't singing. I'm feeling stuck in place and don't know where to move. Will you please give me a hint? Much Love,      Knight

A brain that doesn't quite work.

Something is wrong and I can’t seem to pinpoint what it is. If you've been here before, you know I've been dealing with epilepsy for years. It is scary and it seems, at least to me, to be changing. Perhaps it’s the darkness before the light in the discovery and end of my battle. Perhaps it’s something else I have yet to identify. Right now, I’m scared but optimistic.

This past week it has been unbelievably difficult to get my thoughts in order. The more time that passes the more blurry my thoughts and memories become. When I try to put it into words the proper structure eludes me. I’m somewhat convinced I’m going to die. We’re all going to die but I keep getting this feeling it will be soon. This isn't new so don’t worry. I had this feeling all the time back when the epilepsy was new.  In the past years I got over it but something changed this week. I remembered something. I remembered just a hint of something that should probably be comforting but more than anything keeps me from wanting to close my eyes at night.

Friday I felt strange but wasn't sure why. I felt shitty and nauseous.  I got on the train and headed downtown to see my boyfriend as we had planned.  I was only one stop from his apartment but had to get out of the train. I felt disoriented and panicked. I was hyperventilating but trying to pull myself together in order to take the train one last stop. I’m not sure how long this went on but my best guess is something like twenty minutes.  When I finally did make it that last stop I got out of the train and made it out to the street where I was able to make a phone call. Luckily my boyfriend answered so I asked him to come find me. Another fifteen minutes or so passed where I sobbed and shook crouched next to a building at the subway entrance. I was too afraid to walk anywhere. When he showed up I calmed down pretty quickly. That’s all I remember.

Saturday I went to rehearsal and then home because I didn't feel good again. Overall it was uneventful.  

Sunday I spent the whole day in the fetal position with the worst cramps I have ever had in my life. Now, let’s rewind for a moment. I shouldn't be getting cramps. Over a month ago I discovered my epilepsy might be related to my menstrual cycle. Catamenial epilepsy is actually very common and after documentation of my seizures and discussions with my doctors we changed my birth control so that I would no longer have a cycle and never go off hormones. Clearly this didn't work.  All day Sunday I was in pain. I knew something was wrong. Then the bleeding started.

Monday morning at 2am I remember sitting up in my bed. I remember my arm going up and I had no control over it so I knew a seizure was coming. I remember thinking that I was falling forward towards the foot of my bed. I was afraid I would throw myself off because I have an outlet with various plugs right there. One of which is broken. I was afraid to get my face caught in it while seizing. I remember I could feel that I was still on something soft so I knew I didn't leave the bed. The fear was still there. I remember pain. The feeling of electrocution all over. Then the sound that is similar to speakers blowing out in your ears. This is all normal.  This is all terrifying every time but I remember it every time.

This time I remember something new.

I…. I really don’t know how to describe this at all and I’m not fully convinced I should try. Basically the new element to add to what is already a terrifying event is that someone talks to me. In the moment it’s familiar and comforting. I am completely without doubt. This time I remember it a little bit but frankly the details are so foggy I’m not sure what is true. I knew I was alone in my apartment and when the voice came through the buzzing to comfort me and let me know I was safe and not alone I actually remember thinking “How do I forget about this every time?” I know I always say to myself “It’s okay, you’re okay, just pass out.” This is different though. This is a full conversation I had with someone I feel intense trust towards. I can’t tell you word for word what was said but I have glimpses of memory and feeling.

It’s a masculine voice. If it’s myself I’m talking to, I feel intense love for myself. I trust it. I consider them to be much wiser than me. I immediately recognize them and know it’s familiar. I think they are only there to comfort me but they take the opportunity to talk with me.  I think I might finally be going completely insane.  I remember being told something was going to happen that day near me but not too me and everything was going to be okay. I didn't need to worry. I like being with them. 

So there is my admission. I have no idea what it means. I don’t consider myself a religious person. I understand that when people go through traumatic experiences you start to hear or believe things. I don’t know what any of this is but I’m not going to forget it. Take it for what you will.

Six Years of this Crap!

I missed my six year Blogiversary.

FUCK.

All this nonsensical rambling started taking shape here on 2/16/07. Since then we have discussed (I have written to myself) a huge array of issues most of which concerned me and my ridiculous life.  That being the case, I figure I will take this very special Blogiversary post as an opportunity to update the Blogworld of my life happenings.

I started this blog at the elderly age of 23. I am now 29 and getting closer every minute to my OH GOD I’M THIRTY mental breakdown. It will happen. It will happen because I go into minor mental panic every year regarding where my life is and what I’m doing with it.  Mental breakdown Milestone is what is coming this June. Huzzah!

I started this blog newly single. Then I got back together with the guy (remember Casey?) within a few months. Last summer he got married and very soon he and his wife will be having a baby boy. Clearly a lot has happened in that time. Now I am dating my hot Italian lover who is weirdly private about his identity and we are already coming up on our one year mark. Holy shit, how did that happen so fast?

Exactly one month after starting the blog I developed epilepsy. Things have been fine for the most part. I haven’t had a seizure since, well, Wednesday, but usually it’s not very frequent. I remember less when it does happen which gives me slightly less trauma aftershock. That means I sob less and don’t stay up all night screaming at the ceiling anymore.

I started the blog when I was still in the evil advertising industry. I moved around quite a bit and now find myself stuck in the very slightly less evil real estate industry. Whatever, a paycheck is a paycheck damnit.

I moved to New York in October of 2001.  I went to school for performing arts crap. When I started this blog, I wasn’t doing anything in that field anymore. Nothing at all. Now, I’m in a cover band that PAYS me to sing! Now that I think about it, I've done various gigs all over the city. I am a member of an excellent theater company that is constantly producing impressive work. I should probably be proud of the fact that they even let me in! Outside of the company I just assistant directed a VDAY Production of The Vagina Monologues. It was definitely a worthwhile experience.

Looking over all that has changed, I feel pretty damn good!  February in general is a shitty month for me. I usually get terribly bad depression. I can tell this by reading my own blog.  This year, I seem to be doing alright.  It’s all okay. Just keep struggling along and do whatever you can to stay happy.  At least, that’s my advice for now. I also have a continuous feeling of doom and self-implosion caused by my lifetime belief that where there is happiness, suffering and pain are sure to follow.  Stay tuned!