It was a year ago in March when I had my first seizure and in May I had my last seizure. You would think I would be over it, right? Well, obviously I'm not. It has become difficult for me to talk about this issue in particular because it still makes me emotional and I am embarrassed that I can't get past something so simple from so long ago because it really wasn't that big of a deal. I have somehow turned it into one.
A little background on what happened. I had a seizure alone in my room at night in March. I had no idea what happened. In the morning I went to the emergency room. They did some tests, said I had a seizure, and sent me home. I met a neurologist who did more tests, said he thought I was fine, and sent me home. In May I had another seizure at Casey's apartment, also in bed. He called an ambulance and I went to the ER. They put me on meds to keep me from having any more seizures. I will continue taking them twice a day for at least 3 years.
Now I should be fine. I take my medication and it has been almost a full year. Unfortunately I'm not. At first the meds were making me feel really weird and that made me paranoid. I didn't like that walking in a bubble feeling. The doctor said wait it out. It took awhile but I did adjust. The meds were nothing compared to my fear of falling asleep. For some reason I associate the feeling of falling asleep or just sleeping in general with the pain of having a seizure. Over the past year I have had countless nights of intense anxiety and panic. There has been a lot of sobbing and an irrational fear of dying. This usually happens when I'm trying to go to sleep.
I started to see a Neurological psychiatrist for a short while. This was when I wasn't having the bad nights as frequently but the anxiety wasn't gone. Talking to her made me mad and only seemed to make my nightly panic worse. She did give me sedatives that I tried not to take but on a couple occasions were a huge help. Every time I saw her I was upset all over again. I stopped going. I also couldn't really afford it because my insurance barely covered anything. I thought I was strong enough to get through it on my own.
For awhile there I was absolutely fine. I always take the meds. I'm able to sleep. I'm not disoriented at work. I'm no longer causing problems in my own life. Then out of nowhere it came back last night. I have no idea what happened or what could have triggered it. I have not been thinking about it, talking about it, or doing anything I think might cause it. Both Saturday and Sunday were very laid back days. Didn't do a whole lot. Ate normal foods. No drinking. For some reason when I tried falling asleep last night I started freaking out. I know when it is happening that it doesn't make sense. I know I'm being irrational. I can't help it. My heart wouldn't slow down. It was beating too fast and no matter what I did as far as breathing or focusing on meditating, it didn't work. I started to hyperventilate. For hours I repeated to myself "You're okay, you're not going to die." I felt like my brain was spinning in circles in my head. I caught myself holding my breath and clenching my jaw. I tried taking a sedative. Nothing was working and the last time I remember checking the clock was 5am. I must have finally fallen asleep.
I know I sound crazy. I know this makes people think I'm a hypochondriac. I just don't know if anyone understands how terrifying it is. It sounds like such a silly thing and yet it is tormenting me. I am doing this to myself and I can't stop. What can I do at this point? I guess keep living and keep hoping it goes away.
Like I said before, it is difficult to talk about this sort of thing. I find it very embarrassing and it makes me feel like a weak person with no self control. I don't want to talk to anyone in person about it anymore so I turn to my blog to get some things out in the open. Hope I didn't scare anyone away from reading in the future. I'll go back to the usual style of Knight Ramblings tomorrow.