I haven’t been reduced to tears by a teenager since I was one. .. until yesterday. I was doing my boss a favor by taking his son on a two hour train ride out to his friend’s summer home. He is a real sweet kid and we have met several times so we were pretty comfortable in each other’s company. He is a curious question asking kid but polite about it so I don’t mind. He asked a lot about epilepsy in general. Somehow I said something in jest that made him question my dating life. He actually asked how many boyfriends I have. I laughed and skirted an answer by responding with “Actually the guy I really like is moving to LA within the month.” Then we talked about theater or something and he went back to playing his PlayStation or whatever hand held device that was.
This whole time I thought I was being regular old badass me with my cold exterior and dark sarcasm. Either I’ve become totally transparent or this intuitive kid saw right through it. About twenty minutes later he turned off his game and looked at me with serious concern. “You’re having a real hard time right now, aren’t you?” I was caught off guard. Perhaps he was talking about something else? “With the epilepsy and that guy leaving, it must be hard.” When I caught my breath I awkwardly laughed and said, “Yeah, I guess you’re right. It is hard.” I smiled and went back to staring at my hands or something. “It will be okay though” was his final statement on the subject and he proceeded to watch Family Guy episodes on his phone. I didn’t think another thing of it.
I dropped him off with his friend’s babysitter at the train station. I grabbed some lunch and waited for the train back to the city. It wasn’t until I got into my seat and settled that I let it sink in. Suddenly I realize my face is totally wet due to the silent tears that are rushing down my cheeks. Damnit, that kid struck something. I’ve been bursting into tears at random for days but I just thought it was emotional backlash of the seizures. I thought it would go away. This wasn’t about that though. This kid saw through me and he is right. I have a lot of emotionally damaging stuff going on right now and I avoid dealing with it by keeping myself busy and never going home. If I go home I’ll be alone with my thoughts and that is the scariest place of all.
After what happened yesterday it has become extremely clear to me that I need to go to therapy as soon as possible. I’ve been putting it off far too long. Someone recently told me I don’t have to live like this. That’s hard to comprehend but if it’s true I want to try. It would be nice to have someone I could tell the whole story to for once. Not just the pieces they won’t judge me for.
Thanks Kid.
14 comments:
I've done lots of therapy. It's good for you. Get it out of the way and move on. Sometimes it's hard, but it's better on the other side. Good luck, you can do it.
Maybe it's time for that vacation you've been talking about?
I go interior camping every year - just a few friends, backpack, and a canoe. And nature. Quiet, serene, and you can leave everything behind.
Works for me.
I think finding someone to talk to is a great idea. Hang in there, love.
That's an intuitive kid. Very rare these days.
That is a pretty smart kid, hopefully that intuition and empathy won't be squashed out of him over the next few years.
There is nothing wrong with a good talk to a good therapist. I hope you find someone you like.
What? That kid made you cry. I'm gonna kick his a... Oh ... uh never mind.
Anyway, therapy has been known to be really good for people. Maybe I'll try it sometime too. There are lots of people you can talk to, and I'm sure they'll listen and be sympathetic and all that. But, they might not be able to help like a therapist can.
-Jay
lovely post, it always great to get your thoughts out
<3
Well, you're still awesome :)
Get my email?
p.s. Gary took the words right outta my mouth.
xo
Well what did you expect? After all... if a bunch of internet strangers like us can feel your pain, what makes you think that somebody who actually knows you can't feel you out even better?
If'n you want to talk, drop me your email addy in my comments. I may not be good for much, but I am good for a few things.
And don't worry my dear, I know you're stronger than any problem out there. I've read your blog!
a therapist is a great idea
you could look into a psychiatric nurse practioner - they charge less and are normally far more empathetic and grounded
when I lost my insurance my NP was the only one who kept seeing me, and she still does
This young boy sounds really special and saw how wonderful you are
I want you to be happy
more importantly - I want you to want it
Big Mama like hugs sweet girl
Love this post. Therapy was the best thing I ever did for myself. It really does help.
You're the bomb. Beautiful writing, too. Monologue material?
Oh Knight, we all need someone unbiased to talk to about things. We can only wear the mask of strength and having it all under control for so long - we all have to have those break downs. Me, included.
What a sweet boy...and as they say, out of the mouth of babes. Get what you need and find someone to talk to, to purge to.
{{HUGS}}
Kids are cold hearted, but caring, geniuses.
I'm trying, slowly, to face everything in my brain that I've been keeping deep inside. In a total pussy way. No therapy. I downloaded a meditation app (that's right. I don't even put forth the effort to leave the house and do it.)
I just try to face every day and try to work through whatever mental bullshit pops up and celebrate my tiny successes.
I guess the hardest thing for me is feeling vulnerable. I feel like "Well, here are my actual feelings out on display, world! I'm sorry, this is what I've been keeping you all from, now you know why!"
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