Thursday, February 28, 2008

Pimpin my Work Peeps

My office is so very loveless these days. I told my lonely co-workers I would help pimp them out via my blog. Luckily I've got something for everyone (except lesbians, sorry ladies). They agreed to let me post a profile of each of them in hopes of meeting new available people. They all say they are willing to travel to other cities, and countries for the right person/amount of money. Okay, in all honesty none of them are actually lonely but they are single. They are all very cool people and they agreed to let me write profiles about them.
So step right up and meet the people that get me through the work day:


StumpsAround:
Stumpy is a SWF from the South. The nickname Stumpy came from another co-worker who once opened a muffin and found mold inside the Stump. She has since dubbed our shorter work pal Stumps/Stumpy/StumpsAround, or anything else you can come up with. Her interests include buying expensive clothes, drinking beer then visiting white castle, spreading pink eye to cowboys, baking delicious cookies, dancing the robot, and hiding in duffel bags. She has a tendency to self sabotage her relationships by going for the wrong man every time. If you are Asian or look under age she will be all yours.



LargeDecafHazelnutCoffeeWithMilk:
The name is obviously the drink he orders every freakin' day at our 10:30 coffee run. For some reason the guy at the cafe can't remember all the specifics so he has to tell him every time. Ridiculous! LDHCM likes his coffee like he likes his men: Tall, light, and nutty but doesn't effect your nerves. That is only sort of true. You don't have to be light. LDHCM writes funny skits and plays and shit. He will probably write one for you if you ask real nice. He also draws random pictures all day. I think most of them are of himself which would imply that he is extremely narcissist. I wish he would start a blog because he has a sense of humor like no other. He is looking for a soulpal that will read the dictionary with him. His interests are dumplings, being a tetherball (see image), and carrots.


REX:
This is the catch of the day ladies. He has recently been made over by yours truly and the two listed above. (Seriously, new wardrobe, haircut, everything.) He is looking for a lady that will mess with his emotions and cause irreparable damage to his ego. He is easily lured with rice krispie treats, banana liquor, and needy cats. His secret desire is to be a famous white raper like Eminem or Vanilla Ice. His interests are improv, getting lots of attention, trapping people in his apartment, and condemning you to hell for smoking.
We do not take responsibility for the hat in this picture.

These are my peeps and I'm trying to hook them up so if you are looking or you know somone that is looking please feel free to make a bid and I'll except the payments via pay pal. I can have them delivered in six to eight days.

21 comments:

Jay said...

How much is the shipping costs on StumpsAround? Shouldn't be too much I wouldn't think.

I think I'll take ONE for right now. If I really like her and she's as cute and cool as she seems to be I might order another one later on. ;-)

R.E.H. said...

I think I'll have to put in an order for a StumpsAround as well. Cute looking gal, and as she likes beer we will get along just fine.

That is if Knight is out of stock, or I'll have to put in an order for her first ;)

Jay Cam said...

dang!
i was about to ask how you got that hat to stay on his head. my guess was staples...
: )

(friend of mike..)

Single In The City said...

LOL!!! Knight, I need a friend like you where I live. I need a wine drinker and someone who is not afraid to pass out anywhere!!!

LOL!
Single

Farmer*swife said...

Well, I'd love to help you out. But, seein' as I'm happily married and all...and we just built a new house and I'm all outa' money...

Hmmm. Good luck though. Hey? My Brother might buy into "stumps." [smiley-wink] LOL!

Brody said...

Way cooler than Match.com. Look, you already have some takers for a girl named Stumps.

captain corky said...

I think you have a new career ahead of you, knight. This site is much cooler than any of those lame dating sites.

Mike said...

I'd like to place a bid on stumpy.

How much? Also, will she fit in a hockey bag? That way I can take her as carry on luggage.

Shouldn't need a seat on the airplane though, really. I'm thinking she'll be spending a lot of time on my lap.

Let me know ;)

Tall Lanky Jew said...

Wow. You have indeed opened a dialogue here. Is "Stumpy" aware of your evil plans?

Knight said...

Jay- She doesn't weigh much so I'm going to say $1. At that price you might as well get an extra just incase.

R.E.H.- She is a party gal. We have had many a beer together and I have even gone with her on the White Castle trips. Knight is on backorder at the moment ;)

Jay Cam- It was staples! Good guess. Beauty is pain you know.

Single - Move here! It's funny you say that because I have a whole series of Bar Nap photos with me and LDHCM. We pass out everywhere.

Farmer's Wife- Any extra room in that new house? They can be paid with shelter. Your brother just might like Stumps being from the south and all!

Brody- Right? I knew I could help them out.

Captain Corky- I have watched way to much of those new matchmaking shows on TV. I figure why not start a new career.

Mike- I just asked her and she says she might be persuaded into a hockey bag. Let me know your offer and I'll pass it on.

TLJ- Stumpy knows. I asked permission from each of them and they have all looked at the post. They are good sports.

Mike said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
BBC said...

Shape Shifter..... {laughs}

He is looking for a lady that will mess with his emotions and cause irreparable damage to his ego.

That's not hard, pick one, any one. And it explains why I live alone.

Cute blog, hugs.

Mike said...

Knight:

#1 - I cook

#2 - One Canadian Beer = 4 American beers. Our beer is real, not water with a bit of alcohol and food colouring.

What colour hockey bag does she prefer?

Knight said...

BBC- Agreed. He should be easy to please.
Shit, it's cute? I was going more for amusing. I guess I dumbed it down a little too much. Was it the whoring people or just being nice in general?

Mike- 1) An admirable skill. She will be impressed. 2) Really? Canadian Beer? I sort of assumed Canadian beer was just as much piss water as American. I do enjoy a rich dark brew.
Color doesn't matter. Just throw in a treat to keep her occupied.

Mike said...

Knight - I was in Texas once, and they served us some American piss. Myself and the two other Canadians downed a pitcher each. After the second pitcher each, and not even being buzzed, we switched it up to the international beer menu. Suffice it to say, there were some very quiet nonchalant Americans at the table - something that doesn't happen often with Americans ;)

Stumpy will have a 6 pack of Moosehead lager in the hockey bag with her. She will be happy.

Single In The City said...

Knight, Mike has traded me in!!! Yeah looks like I am moving to your part of the world!!! LOL! LOL!!

Single!

Darla said...

Hmm...match LDHCM with JBS? It's your call. I'm his pimp though, so go through me first or he get's another "talkin to."

Jay Cam said...

wow, i'm good!

though supergleu might have been more effective
: )

Inarticulate Fumblings said...

Re: REX

OK... If banana liquor has anything to do with anything, he might want to reevaluate whether or not he's looking for a woman or man. Add cats to that mix? Queen, please!

BBC said...

Outside of saving money (which I'm doing) how do you recommend being prepared? I'll admit I'm naive but at least I want to learn.

Well, I have many skills, that helps a lot. I don't have any bills to speak of. I have maybe a years supply of basic food items.

Some rain barrels, room for a garden spot if I need to put one in. I get by on less than a tank of gas a month and can make it stretch 3 or 4 months if I need to.

I have a small alternate energy system. I can heat and cook with wood if I have to.

I've moved onto raw land before with out a job and little money and did just fine. The key is being okay and happy with what you have. Etc, etc.

And I live in a smaller town on a coast where I can hunt and fish if needed. People in big cities are at a disadvantage in hard times. But they'll just have to figure out ways to deal with it.

Anyone with a job will just have to learn to cut back and have less and do less and they should get by okay. Improvise, overcome, and adapt.........................and you will survive. (Old military advice)

I just noticed the post below. Liquor in the front, Poker in the rear. Ha, ha, ha. I remember that from when I was a kid in northern Idaho.

There use to be an old bar there that housed miners and hookers in the second story. That sign was in the cafe/bar that is still operating today. It's a neat old place.

GMEyster said...

So....I am dying to know who was matched up!