Poodle Bear

Picture this:

Sunday Night.  A bar in downtown Manhattan with an upper level cabaret space.  A checkered stage.  A dimly lit room. The amazing Parodivas. Several of my best friends. Knight in a leopard corset dress with microphone in hand.

Didn’t anybody take a picture? No? WTF?

Well anyway, The Parodivas premiered their brand new monthly Show and invited ME to headline.

Look how hot they are despite being cold and homeless.

I did a dead diva tribute by singing some Amy Winehouse and Etta James. I don’t think they would mind. I also did the Jessica Rabbit version of Why don’t you do right and used it as an excuse to molest the audience. 

Up until I actually got on the stage I was having some serious anxiety issues. Singing with tracks instead of a live instrument is really f’ing scary. The Parodivas do it with ease but I was fairly sure I was about to humiliate myself by forgetting the lyrics and not being able to bullshit my way back out. Luckily it appears my bullshitting skills are fully intact and everything went well. 

After my set I could calm down and enjoy the last ten minutes of the show as the Parodivas performed one of their ever popular audience participation MadLib Parodies. Before I left the stage they asked me for a pet name. Not the kind you would give a pet but something disturbing a lover might say to you. I gave them the most embarrassing pet name I could recall being called. We then listened to My Poodle Bear sung to the tune of My Endless Love. *VOMITS ON SELF*

It was a pretty fantastic night. I was incredibly surprised and flattered by the friends that showed up to support us.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot to mention that Oprah was somehow haunting the show. Don’t mention or mock her onstage unless you want some serious sound issues to start up. We are sorry Oprah! Please don’t send Tom Cruise to eat us.

Long Weekend of Sleep

Friday afternoon I was stuck at my boss’ new townhouse where they recently kicked out squatters. I was advising a cleaner on what needed to be done in this absolute filth hole. I did a little sweeping and such myself in order to not waste time. It was disgusting. I will never be clean again. One of the prior occupants is a crazy bastard who spent a long time on the phone with me. He told me women are only good for cooking and giving birth. I told him he was an idiot and if he had any women in his life that allowed him to act that way they were idiots too.  He asked me out to coffee. I hope to God I never have to meet him in person.

Friday night I went to a fancy fondue party. Delicious! One of my friends brought back a variety of delicious rums from Dominica.  Mine was cinnamon and I swear to you it tasted just like Red Hot Candies! That night I had a pretty bad seizure. I’m sure it had something to do with fucking around in that disgusting house full of pesticides earlier in the day but at least at this time I was with someone I trust and love.  I tried to sleep it off all Saturday morning. I went to brunch at 1 but still felt like crap. I ended up back at another friend’s place where I fell right back asleep with her cat in my lap. The cat love made my face swell up and my eyes turned bright red. Sexy. So I went home and passed out at 8:30pm.  I didn’t get up until 2pm the next day. So I went to my bar where I watched the Giants beat the Packers. That sucked. I also discovered one of the bartenders there is quite the douche-canoe and will not be privy to my conversation ever again.Cross me once and you get daggers for life.

After the game I had a fairly mild night which was followed by another 13 hours of sleeping. I had dreams about making tacos so I woke up and… made tacos. This taco making process of my dreams made the whole weekend worthwhile. I really love tacos.

So now it’s Monday morning. I’m back at work. I’m still really sore from the damn seizure. I’m pissed off. I’m pissed that my body is so damn weak that it feels the need to go into a dangerous fit that takes me days to recover. What is wrong with me? Why can’t I stop it? Why don’t we know the real cause? When will I ever be able to emotionally handle this crap? Can’t the lesson just be learned and then we can move on?

I’m going back to bed.

Minneapolis - A Business Trip

I was alone in Minneapolis.  Earlier that day I had flown into this frozen-over city for a brief business trip.  I was having a two night stand with the city and other than being chilled to the core I was enjoying myself.

 After the sun set I decided to venture out of my hotel room and explore.  I didn’t know my way around at all but with my innate abilities to find an eventful good time it was only minutes before I saw the electric light of a JAZZ sign hanging off of a building.  I descended the stairs into the dimly lit bar room of a steak house. The place wasn’t very busy but a band was about to start so I sat at a table in a dim corner and ordered a glass of cabernet. A southern blues-soul sound began to fill the room. The lead had a perfect sort of rough sound to his voice that matched his sexy scruffy exterior. My senses were overwhelmed.  I couldn’t keep my eyes off the band. The sound of the piano bounced off the walls and filled me with sheer elation. I stayed for hours until their gig was over.

The next night I went back. How could I not? This time I sat up at the bar and drank meaty red wines while smiling slyly at the singer who was definitely making eyes at me. The air was full of electricity. I wasn’t sure if I was so drawn to him because he was ridiculously handsome or because the music was a siren song. In retrospect perhaps it was the wine making a delicious blend of the two.

After the set he met me at the bar with the rest of the band. We flirted and had a few laughs. Conversation was easy. We went well together. When the bar closed we wandered to another in order to prolong our meeting.  Our hands were entwined. Toward the end of the night I found myself in his car as he gave me a ride back to my hotel so I wouldn’t have to endure the chill. Our discussion turned to something personal and intense regarding a recent divorce and your soul aching. It led to a very passionate kiss. He cupped my cold face with his hands and said I had to be some sort of angel. I had appeared at the perfect moment. His sparkling eyes locked in on mine as we kissed again. Then we said goodbye. I flew home to New York a few hours later.

We never saw each other again.

Grandma Knight

Grandma Knight passed away in the early hours of last Saturday morning. She had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital on Christmas day. I feel lucky that I was in my hometown at the time and able to visit her in the hospital before and after her angiogram. On my last visit before heading back to New York I thought she seemed just as lovely and ornery as ever so I wasn’t worried. We had the chance to say I love you one last time.

They held her funeral this morning. I feel terribly guilty that I’m not able to be there to support my family and pay my respects. My mom called me a half hour ago to tell me how great her hair looked with pearl combs just as she would have wanted. She was known for her hair and very proud of it. Mom told me how well everything went and that my dad and grandfather seem to be doing well. My poor father happened to be witness to the heart attack at the nursing home on Friday night that eventually led to her passing. He had to make the decisions. That must have been so awful for him.

My Grandfather is 93 years old. He was a WWII pilot that was shot out of the sky and became a POW. Somehow he lived to be the strongest 93 year old I’ve ever seen. Watching him at the hospital after my grandmother’s angiogram was one of the most heartbreaking moments I have ever witnessed. He told me he stayed up the entire night prior rubbing her back and trying to ease the pain. He couldn’t stand to see her like that. It was pure dedication and love for a person you spent the last 64 years by the side of.

So I sit here at work thinking about my family all together talking about my grandmother and how wonderful she was to all of us. I’m lucky to have such a fantastic and loving family. Sure some of them are crazy but so am I. It’s still in a loving way. Grandma was so supportive of every one of her six grandkids. We were all busy with various activities. All the boys participated at every sport available to them. I was the little singer in the family and grandma swears I got that from her. They were not only at every game/ performance/ recital possible but they also took us to practice whenever needed. I remember when I was little they lived in a house very near ours. We were dropped off before school and every morning she would make us coco with marshmallows and peanut butter toast. They were drowning in pictures of all of us. Grandma was convinced that every last one of her offspring was gorgeous. We are by the way ;)  Just like her.

I have no idea how old I was but at some point when I was still very young I had a raspberry colored pea coat. From then on I was her Raspberry Princess. Nicknames stuck for a lifetime with that side of my family. Don’t you dare call me that though. Only Grandma Knight had that privilege.

Last year for my mother’s 49^th birthday my Grandmother on my mom’s side of the family decided to throw her a party and as entertainment flew me in to sing for a few hours. I know it was partly because she didn’t think my other grandparents would have many other chances to ever hear me again. I have to remember to thank her again for that. I know it meant a lot to them because my Grandma was so proud of me and I felt so guilty for never recording something to send her. 

I wish I could be with them.

I’m thinking of you Grandma. Thank you for everything.

White Liars Outtakes

This is a little awkward for obvious reasons but I'm sharing it with you blog friends anyway. If you have yet to see the web series White Liars you are really letting me down. Or, you would be if there was any way for me to know. Whatever. I'm going to share the special outtakes video with you in hopes of making you laugh or at least getting you interested enough to watch episode three where I make a cameo.

Warning... there is a lot of my bare skin in the clip.

Fuck-it List

 I've been thinking about the end of the year coming up and what I’ve been accomplishing in life. This generally brings you to think about all the things you would like to do. You know, a bucket list of sorts. Well, I was curious so I started Googling various bucket lists to see what other people were up to. What a bunch of crap. Now, I’m not one to turn down an adventure but some of the more common stuff sounds horrible. This is what brought me to make my very own Anti-Bucket List aka Fuck-it List.

Climb Mountains of any Sort - Why do people do this? It’s cold and there are better ways to get places now.

Run with the Bulls -  Come on. This is just stupid! I would die. End of story.

Finish a Marathon - I hate running. I have a hard time understanding why this is fulfilling to people. Don’t get me wrong, if it works for you that is awesome but I can’t grasp the thrill myself.

Walk to the top of the Statue of Liberty – BORING! Why bother? The view isn’t that amazing and it’s a pain in the ass. Maybe I would do the Eifel Tower. Maybe. If I couldn't find a better view that is.

Write a Book – In my opinion more people should avoid this. You have nothing to say! I’ve got nothing to say. It would be more self-indulgent than this blog. I’m sorry to disappoint you all. 

Hit the Vegas Strip with my Girls - If I’m going to Vegas it’s not going to be with a bunch of screaming girls. Obnoxious I tell you. They even did a reality show onOxygen that shows you in detail how annoying it is.

Shake Hands with a President - Meh. Cool I guess but in no way bucket worthy. Whose hand would be bucket worthy? Do I really only get to shake the hand? A hand is a hand so what is the point? Now sitting down to a meal with someone cool; I could get on board with that. Like the Twilight Cast! (I’m kidding. Stop worrying.)

Swim with Dolphins - Those freaks are rapists and I would like to keep my sexual experiences reserved for humans. Thank you.  

Attend a FurryConvention - Again, I prefer humans and have no interest in those humans being dressed as animals. 

Bungee Jump - The perfect way to ensure my spine won’t last forever. As the saying goes “A broken rubber brought me into this world. It sure as hell isn’t taking me out.”

People have some weird goals. Some stuff I found interesting and I might consider putting it on a to-do list. It would be a lot of traveling and random adventure sports. I don’t like to plan that far ahead though. I’ve done some cool things in life thus far and my only real hope is to continue on that path. Did I leave anything off the list that I should remember to never do?

Childhood Perceptions

Yesterday I received a strange message from a girl I went to elementary school with. I'm pretty sure I only knew her two or three years. I wouldn't really say that we were ever friends but I always thought she was very nice (albeit painfully shy) and when she found me on Facebook I was glad to accept and see where she went in life.  Then I was surprised to get this message.

Ok.. so... I'm sitting here and having one of my many sentimental reflective moments. And at times it takes me back to the time I lived in Illinois. A time that is dear to me... I never wanted to move to Ohio nor do I ever want to move back to Ohio (I'm currently living in Georgia) even tho all my family lives in either Ohio or Illinois. But that is beside the point. I got to thinking about why certain things stick in our memories better than others for some reason. For instance, I have ALWAYS remembered something mean that Stephen said to me in sixth grade (do you remember him?) And then I got to thinking about you... you always hung with the "cool" crowd yet you were never mean. I never forgot that about you. But I have to say that I always saw you as being the one to settle down in the city you grew up in and being married with 2.5 children and a white picket fence, you know what I mean? So I got to wondering, what brought you to New York? And are you happy? And if you are still reading this email than obviously I've kept your attention for this long so I do hope that you will respond and I hope that you arent totally caught off guard with this random email. I used to be pretty shy but in my old age (we are almost 30!!) I've realized that it doesnt really matter what you do, you only live once, right?!


What a sweet surprise, right? I'm completely shocked by her childhood perceptions of what those years were like and how they differ from mine. For instance, the Stephen she refers to was a very shy guy himself. I think he had an extremely difficult childhood. I recall him being very nice and awkward. I wonder what he could have possibly said that bothered her for the next twenty years?

I don't really recall being a part of a "cool group". I guess I didn't realize we had a cool group because we didn't have a whole lot of kids in the class. I was also pretty insecure myself. Now I'm wondering who was involved in this group and how it came to be. I'm so incredibly flattered that she thought of me as nice. I would like to think I was a nice kid. I hope I never said anything that tormented another child for twenty years. I know things were said to me but I've forgiven those people because children are stupid and that stuff happens. It's a learning process on how to grow into a decent human.

What on EARTH gave this girl the idea that I would be a mommy in a little city with white fences? What could I possibly have done to ever put that in her head? Truth be told, I think every other girl I knew from those years did exactly that. Maybe I was a follower? Gross. I'm so glad to be me.

I wonder, since I have the almighty Facebook at hand, if I should pay it forward? Perhaps I should write a message to some other random kid from that class with my perception of those years we knew each other. What do you think? How would you feel about being on the receiving end of such an out of the blue memory sharing moment?