Poodle Bear

Picture this:

Sunday Night.  A bar in downtown Manhattan with an upper level cabaret space.  A checkered stage.  A dimly lit room. The amazing Parodivas. Several of my best friends. Knight in a leopard corset dress with microphone in hand.

Didn’t anybody take a picture? No? WTF?

Well anyway, The Parodivas premiered their brand new monthly Show and invited ME to headline.

Look how hot they are despite being cold and homeless.

I did a dead diva tribute by singing some Amy Winehouse and Etta James. I don’t think they would mind. I also did the Jessica Rabbit version of Why don’t you do right and used it as an excuse to molest the audience. 

Up until I actually got on the stage I was having some serious anxiety issues. Singing with tracks instead of a live instrument is really f’ing scary. The Parodivas do it with ease but I was fairly sure I was about to humiliate myself by forgetting the lyrics and not being able to bullshit my way back out. Luckily it appears my bullshitting skills are fully intact and everything went well. 

After my set I could calm down and enjoy the last ten minutes of the show as the Parodivas performed one of their ever popular audience participation MadLib Parodies. Before I left the stage they asked me for a pet name. Not the kind you would give a pet but something disturbing a lover might say to you. I gave them the most embarrassing pet name I could recall being called. We then listened to My Poodle Bear sung to the tune of My Endless Love. *VOMITS ON SELF*

It was a pretty fantastic night. I was incredibly surprised and flattered by the friends that showed up to support us.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot to mention that Oprah was somehow haunting the show. Don’t mention or mock her onstage unless you want some serious sound issues to start up. We are sorry Oprah! Please don’t send Tom Cruise to eat us.

Is your heart broken?

I’m not talking about your damn feelings. I want to know if you have had your ticker checked recently. Chest pain? Palpitations? Get to the f’ing doctor! Especially since you cosmically know me in some way. I’m starting to feel like the beacon of all heart pain and I mean that in addition to your damn feelings. I’m sure you all know people with these problems but come on, I’m in my twenties. This is ridiculous. Within the past week I’ve had two friends in the emergency room with heart issues. They are both way too young for that to be even close to normal. Neither of them are drug users so you can cross that right off your list of excuses. My mom was just telling me the other day that my crazy uncle called her in the middle of the night saying he thought he was having a heart attack but didn’t want to call an ambulance. What the hell? Call the damn ambulance! You live across the country. What in the hell is your sister going to do to help you? CPR doesn’t work over the phone. On the upside of this everybody has been fine. Just make sure you go to the doctor. I’m a little afraid that every time I start having an anxiety attack and my heart is beating out of my chest I’m going to convince myself I’m having a heart attack. Like I needed one more thing on my list of crazy. Thanks a lot universe.

No, I’m not dead yet.

I needed a break. I needed a big break. A lot has happened in the past couple of weeks. For starters, Casey (TLJ) and I are no longer in a relationship. This isn’t something I intend to write about on my blog but I will say that we remain friends and are on good terms. Shortly after that we went through another round of layoffs at the office. This time I got the axe and a severance package that won’t last much longer. I am worried about money but I hated my soul sucking job so much I was actually relieved to be rid of the place forever. Now I’m not quite sure what to do with myself. Which direction should I go? What is my life?

My fantastic friend Jason hooked me up with a last minute temp gig at his office for a couple weeks. That is what I’m doing now. It’s seriously an answer the phone and read a magazine type job so I can finally force myself to update you all on my whereabouts. I’m really thankful he helped me out because any income is good, right? They were really great about working around the small issue that I will be vacationing in Florida the first weekend of April. Yeah, I know vacationing when you have no job is a dumb idea but I’m going with my mother and she set it all up before any of this happened.

I’m singing at the Algonquin Cabaret on Monday. You should come and see it. Okay, almost none of the people that read my blog live anywhere near New York but you are missing all the fun! At least I hope it will be fun. I got a nasty cold and lost my voice over the past week. It isn’t fully back yet. If it doesn’t come back I will sound like shit. That will suck a lot. A LOT I tell you!

This job just got so much more interesting. I was just asked to do a simple task of cutting out pictures that children drew. The place I am temping at services the autism community and the drawings these autistic children made are so unusual. I wish there was some way I could share them with you.

This post is already too long so I’ll just leave this where it is and maybe pick it up tomorrow? We shall see.

Bad Dreams

The other night I had a very vivid dream and when I awoke I couldn't seem to shake it. It started out being my normal confusion of a dream where who I am with keeps changing at random as does our location. I was North of San Francisco for some reason and I needed to find a zip car (rental car) because I had a performance later that night. I was in a huge rush and was very anxious in my dream. While I'm running out to find a car I am in New York. Somehow in my dream this makes complete sense to me. We (I have no idea who I was with.) were running up to a building that we thought might be the correct location to find the car when suddenly I hear a horrible loud boom in the distance. I look up and the skyline is suddenly mushrooming up in an explosion of smoke and fire. It was enormous. I stood there looking at it in shock. Then it was like a wave of heat from the fire hit me and I realized the whole island would soon be ablaze. The person I had been running with pulled me into the building we were headed towards in an effort to find safety. Inside we found an empty area of cement floor and walls with stairs to more of the same. There was nowhere to go and I came to the realization that we were going to die there. This is when I forced myself awake. I don't die in my dreams. I often wake up and force my dreams to go another way but for some reason I could find no solution and in this story in my head that is the only ending I have. Sure now that I'm completely awake I can think of any number of things that could suddenly happen. I should go running for the river and swim to Jersey. It's too late though. I needed to dream it. Does anyone else have this problem? Do you have dreams that are so troubling you can't get past it?

Once my mother called me at an odd time and said she just needed to know I was okay because she had a dream I killed a man and boiled his head to hide the evidence. Yes, I said my mother had this dream. I had a nightmare as a child that an alligator ate my brother. I woke up crying and wrote a story for school about it. Why are the good dreams so hard to remember comparatively?

I've Got Your Answers - Part Who The Hell Can Remember

cat asks:
Jay kinda took my question. I would love to read the story of what brought you to N.Y.

What took you into singing and acting. Where are you from? How long have you lived in N.Y.

Did you have friends that brought you there?

I think you have a good and inspiring story too tell.

Dear Cat,
You can read my answer to Jay’s question in PART 2. I know switching screens is a pain in the ass sometimes so the brief version is, I always wanted to live in a big city and when the opportunity came to attend school in New York I moved out here at 18. It’s been seven years now. I’ve been singing and acting all my life and that is really why I came to New York. I wrote about that in the answer to a question as well but now things are starting to blur together. When I moved out here I didn’t know a single person in the city. Now I have a whole urban family of friends that I’ve built over time. I grew up in Illinois. I spent my entire childhood in The Quad Cities. Not a small town but not a big city. Not big enough for me. I don’t know that my story is inspiring. I was at a time in my life where things were supposed to change and I knew what I wanted so I did it. I made the right choice.

Michael Knight Rambo asks:
Why is my pee black?
Back when it was bright green it used to be fine, but now when it gets rusty red/brown or darker, it really hurts.
It feels as if I have chomping pitbulls with poisonous porcupine quills that are on fire passing through my urethra.
I'm too embarrassed to see my doctor.
Can you help?

Dear Michael Knight Rambo,
Have you been drinking motor oil? If so you should probably stop and you might go back to normal. You also might have leprosy. For safety’s sake I suggest you double bag your favorite parts to ensure you don’t infect others and more importantly, so that nothing falls off. I suggest a strict diet of nothing. No water or food. You will urinate less and eventually the burning will stop because you will be deceased.

minijonb asks:
What person from your past would least like to see walking down the street... and why?

And the flip side... who do you really want to catch up with that you haven't seen in ages?

Dear Minijonb,
There are quite a few people I never want to run into again. One would be my old roommate from France. She was really annoying and I was so thrilled the day we moved away from her horrible voice. I hope I never run into my ex that was a millionaire. That money gives him the power to do whatever he wants and he was so manipulative and angry towards me in the end. The thought of him makes me a little nauseous.
I can think of a few people I would really like to catch up with that I have not seen in a few years but it’s harder to come up with someone I haven’t seen in ages. *Insert ten minute pause of thinking.* Okay, I got one! One of my vocal coaches I had through junior high and high school was a really wonderful woman and I find myself thinking of her every now and then. I thought of her and her husband as a really cool and eclectic old couple. She taught voice lessons to people of all ages in her own living room. Her husband was a wood carver, hypnotist, therapist, and so many other things I don’t even remember. They were the sweetest people and Mrs. Grossman would tell me these wonderful stories about her life that showed how in love she and her husband were. He grew very ill and she started having problems as well. When Mr. Grossman died I went to the visitation and was shocked to see Mrs. Grossman was now in a wheelchair due to a bad hip. She stopped teaching and I haven’t seen her since. I have always wanted to speak to her to let her know how much she influenced my life but I don’t know where to find her.

Cheers to you George

So many other bloggers wrote great tributes to George Carlin today. I don't have the proper words. I wanted to share one of my favorites with anyone who cared to watch.



To read some nice tributes go here:
Forks Off The Moment
Pessimists Need Love Too
You Just Keep On Believing That

*Disclaimer* I try to avoid making any religious statements on my blog and I'm not trying to make one with this video. I just enjoy it. Read into that however you wish.

They're Baaaaacccck.

I have no idea why my blog has turned into a religious cult information page but I can't pass up sharing this information. Apparently the Westboro Baptist Church has declared that they intend to protest outside of the Heath Ledger funeral. Some might ask why. Well, because he once played a gay man in a movie of course. That makes him a gay enabler. Well as this guy said in his video. If they show up at my funeral, I know I did something right.

Bambi Taught Me Everything

It's a wonder my co-workers don't report me. We are all very odd people and our only way of getting through the day is very bizarre conversation. Today I was discussing lunch with a co-worker via e-mail and she wrote:

Subway funch? How are you feeling today?

(Note to readers, Funch is fun lunch which we usually celebrate on Wednesdays. Subway is indeed fun because we work in Queens.)
My response was:

Er uh... subway funch sounds good. What time Milady? How am I feeling? Alone and Lost... In the woods... with impending doom always over my shoulder. Stalking me. Like a hunter after a delicate fawn. Waiting for the cold piercing metal that draws death. Wow, how creepy was that? I'm going to write a Disney movie. Wait, that was Bambi.

This does not phase my co-workers any longer. Her response:

How about 12:30? And, yes, that was so creepy, and brought back horrible memories of the cute, innocent movie that ended up tricking me into witnessing a violent death - before I even knew death existed. What a cruel world.

This made me think. Yeah, all classic Disney was pretty disturbing. Snow White's step mother told a man to take her daughter to the forest, kill her, and bring back her heart in a little fancy box. 101 Dalmatians were in danger of being skinned for a coat. I could give you examples from all the old movies but now.... now it's not the same. I have no faith in the youth of today. I fear they might not be as violent as we are.

Recently the original episodes of Sesame Street were released on DVD with a warning that they are not suitable for children. Seriously? Sesame Street? I didn't get it even when it was explained why. Apparently the scary, urban, New York streets that the kids and puppets were playing in would be too much for today's average toddler. Oscar the Grouch was too Grouchy. The Cookie Monster teaches obesity by eating all those cookies not to mention all that pipe smoking. Snuffleupagus was just a hallucination of Big Bird. Most horrifying of all, they teach you how to COUNT! The next generation is going to be full of dainty little children with no early teachings of death to get them ready for the world. Well, good luck kids. I hope you learn to hack through the child proofing on your parents TV so you can catch some late night HBO. It's for your own good and the good of the country.

Happy All-hallows Eve Darlings!

Lets celebrate like the Druids did. We can build bonfires and wear dead animals! Or, we could go to a burlesque show and watch the Parodivas light candles and wear fur! Either one sounds perfect for the holiday. I'm currently at work in my costume that wasn't supposed to be a costume. I wore red and black to work and it just happened to look a little evil so drawing red devil horns and taping them to my headband seemed only natural.

I wish someone would tell me a good ghost story right now. That is what I need. Something haunting. Anything to make me forget I'm at the office. It would be amazing if I could turn on a scary movie while I filled out spreadsheets. One of my co-workers decorated his office so it looks like blood is dripping down the walls. Is it odd that I'm jealous?



Robert Goulet died yesterday. He needed a lung transplant but couldn't get one in time. I don't think enough people are donors. Goulet, if I died within the past couple weeks I would love nothing more than to give you my lungs. They work okay but might be a little small and girly for you. Goulet! Go to you tube and watch some of his stuff. In his younger days he was a really gorgeous man. Not that he wasn't yesterday but in his youth... *wiping away drool* oh yeah.

Back to the Holiday. I want to have a late night picnic in the park with candles and wine but I'm afraid the rats will give me diseases. Ghosts are funny. Rodents are not.

Well, have a good day kids. Try not to get poisoned.
Stabs and Bites!

Dirty, Disgusting, Filthy, Flea-Ridden Birds

A pigeon is flying around my office. We are on the top floor of a large building and we can't figure out how in the hell the thing got in here. The ceilings are high and pipes are everywhere so this disgusting rodent with wings must think it has found some sort of Disney World. If it shits on my keyboard I'm going to kill it with my stapler.
Ssshhhhh.... it's watching me. This feels very "quote the raven" I can't stand birds.

Still Alive

In the early hours of Tuesday morning as I was drifting in and out of sleep I suddenly thought it was the end for me. I woke just enough to roll on to my left side when suddenly my whole body collapsed into the bed. I felt like I was cramping up all over in every muscle and every joint. I tried to look at the clock but I couldn't move my head. I couldn't move anything. This is when panic set in. I tried to call out to my roommate for help but I couldn't get my mouth to move. I couldn't do anything at all but lie there in excruciating pain. It occurred to me that I might die in that very spot and nobody would find me for days. I was praying that the pain would soon end and that I would make it through when I noticed that my arm was shaking. Was I having a seizure? A heart attack? What was happening? Finally the pain started to ease and I could think a little more clearly. I'm alive. I know I'm alive and I'm so unbelievably tired. Then I passed out.
Next morning at the ER I get an IV and CatScan. The Neurologist does some basic testing to make sure I don't have any damage. Diagnosis: Seizure. Could have been caused by any number of things but they don't want to treat me unless it happens again. I'm set up for more tests and referred to another neurologist for more review. Off I go back into the world with no changes made. Now I can't sleep at night because I'm afraid I will choke to death on my own tongue.
I can't help but feel like this is all supposed to mean something. What though? Am I not going in the right direction? Is the direction right but my vehicle all wrong? I really hope I get this figured out soon because I want to stick around for awhile.