The Never Ending Process of Trying to Move On

When I started this blog I had recently been broken up with by someone that I had already fallen head over heels for. It broke my heart. I couldn’t let them know how much. We stayed friends and I think outwardly I handled it well. I started to see someone else but unfortunately for them I wasn’t over my ex. I couldn’t move on. As it turned out the breakup didn’t stick and we were back together within months.

I really had a wonderful time when I was with Casey. I didn’t doubt that the love was mutual and he became my best friend. I think for both of us it was the first relationship that showed us what we were worth, and it’s a lot. I adore his entire family and all of his friends. He was the only person I ever imagined building a future with. I wanted a part of that life.

Unfortunately things change. There was some sort of disconnect in understanding each other and I started to grow distant. There is no reason to go back into that so I won’t. We wanted different things in life and we had to move on.

Casey and I are still friends. We can’t possibly be as close as we once were but I try to stay a part of his life and attempt to keep him in mine. I think we’ve done a pretty stellar job at the whole ex thing to be honest.

Last weekend I was asked to meet for a happy hour margarita. It had been a few months since we last went for drinks just the two of us and I wondered if there was a particular reason for this meeting. One margarita in, the news came out. Next month Casey is proposing to his girlfriend during their trip to Paris.

I honestly don’t remember what my initial reaction was. I guess I was somewhat shocked because I didn’t know how serious the relationship was. I felt incredibly happy for him and selfishly melancholy at the same time. I wasn’t sure why. I spent the next couple days trying to sort out my thoughts and emotions. I teared up more than once. I finally just said it. I feel like I’m losing him.

Let me clarify. I don’t want to be romantically involved or anything of the sort. I’m thrilled that someone I care so much about found the person they want to spend the rest of their life with. I’m just jealous that I don’t know her. I don’t know that part of his life. Now that part will be his everything. Casey, like a true adult, is moving on.

I have a constant fear of losing my friends. This isn’t new. I've had this reaction before. Just not with someone I once thought I would marry. I know that the people I love are going to couple up and move out of the city. I’ll hear from them in a Facebook post and maybe see them every couple years. I know we all grow apart and relationships change. I know. And yet I can’t seem to handle it like everyone else.

I told Casey this (more or less) via e-mail once I had it figured out. Now, with his blessing, I’m going to work on getting to know his future fiancé. With that in mind, suddenly, all that selfish worry is gone. Now I can be appropriately excited for my friend in one of the biggest moments of his life. Seriously, Paris?! That’s going to be one hell of a proposal. She’s a lucky girl to have you Case. I’m sure I’ll soon find that you’re lucky to have her too.

“Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving.” — Albert Einstein

Buffer Post

Dear Sky,

If you have a problem with the things I post on my blog stop reading it.

I can't avoid the Facebook posts you make about it unless I block you. Is that what you want?

It's not as if anyone that reads this knows you anyway.

White Liars Episode Two

For anyone that is interested in following...

White Liars Episode Two is UP.




I'm in the next one. It will be up on July 11th.

Today I was just invited to do a cameo in another web series filming late August. It will be all kinds of awesome... I hope.

Total Eclipse of my Patience

Whenever life gets you down, Mrs. Brown
And things seem hard or tough

And people are stupid obnoxious or daft

And you feel that you've had quite enough...

Oh Monty Python, you always know just how I feel.

Lately I’ve been having a major problem with patience. My boss, and cast, and “friends”, and health, and living situation, and love, and…well, what else is there? It’s all testing my sanity. I keep writing BE CALM and PATIENCE on whatever papers are in front of me at the time. I try not to snap at my boss for talking to me like I’m a child with a severe learning disorder. I attempt to take solace in the fact that it isn’t me, he does it to everyone but that isn’t working this week. I try not to make stabbing gestures toward the people in my cast that won’t sit down and shut the F^%& UP while we are working. The darling little children in the cast that need a severe beating have me gripping my script and clenching my teeth for fear I will snap and scare the ever loving shit out of them. Everything seems to be grating at my nerves. This leads me to believe it’s me not them. As hard as that is to comprehend.

So what is going on? Why am I so much more stabby than usual? Why does everyone suck so much more this week?

Wait, let’s look outside of yourself for a second Knight. Why is there so much crazy going on with everyone else? So many friends keep confiding in me with terrible news of death, illness, divorce, moving away, etc. What is going on?

I guess it’s just the ebb and flow of life.

Or could it be?

Solar Eclipse - June 1, 2011

Lunar Eclipse - June 15, 2011

Solar Eclipse – July 1, 2011

Three eclipses in six weeks? Well, holy hell. Three eclipses and a full moon will drive us all mad. That's if you follow astrology at all. I’m going to go ahead and blame it all on the stars. Why not? It's somehow comforting to know that this too shall pass and life will go on as it always does and always has. You've just got to remember... that you're standing on a planet that's evolving....

A combination of pictures taken in Islamabad shows the moon in various stages of a total lunar eclipse on June 16, 2011. Astronomers in parts of Europe, Africa, Central Asia and Australia enjoy a total lunar eclipse today, the first of 2011 and the longest in nearly 11 years. AFP PHOTO/ AAMIR QURESHI

Is This Really My Life?

Since this blog is my therapy outlet it appears I have turned it into a recap of what I do with my life. Well, that isn’t stopping now. So let’s talk about my weekend. Actually, let me talk. You just sit there and read with an uncomfortable look on your face.

Friday night I was hanging out with the gorgeous and ridiculously talented Benji. I plied him with wine and delicious bloody marys. He drew this amazing picture of me within about a minute and said it was just practice. What he drew in seconds I couldn’t accomplish in….ever. I would post it but that would be weird. Then we went out on the town and talked about our different kissing methods. (Yep Ben, I just announced that on my blog ;) So, yeah that was the highlight of my weekend.

It was all downhill from there.

Saturday I went to rehearsal with the terrible cover band. Apparently my “friend” succeeded in kicking out the bass player because a guy I had never seen before walked in the door and started playing with us. That’s too bad. The original bass was a nice guy. Then afterwards I went to my Cheers bar where I discovered that this same “friend” has been trash talking me for months to anyone that will listen. He was upset when he found out I was dating the bartender so he has basically been making up stories and making me look like a whore. Thanks a lot asshole. You just wait and see the kind of wrath I’m capable of. He’ll get his I assure you.

Speaking of assholes…..

Saturday night I was supposed to hang out with Sky which would be the first time we hung out just the two of us out on the town since the breakup. He bailed on me. I got a headache (probably from the wrath) and went to sleep ridiculously early. Sunday I woke up, did some work, and went roller skating. Sky wanted to see the new Woody Allen movie so we made plans. We met at the bar and everything was going fine. We got on the subway and irrational anger started pouring out of both of us. It turned into a loud F&% YOU fight on the platform. It was humiliating. He blames everything on me and I know he expects me to apologize. I disagree. So we aren’t speaking.

Then I drowned myself in tears and liquor which is a very sexy look on any devastated girl. It screams “I’m an easy target!” Luckily I survived and woke up today still shaken up but ready for a hungover day at the office.

How was your weekend?

Another Day in the Knight Life

Saturday was a fun day. I woke up in my closet of an apartment at 8am and prepared for a day I knew just might kill me. I packed my outfits and props for the day. (That makes me sound like an escort but alas it wasn’t that kind of day.) I took a couple chugs of leftover bloody mary in a jug. Then I headed for the M60 Bus that carries me through Manhattan and over to Queens.

In Queens I met up with the director of the show I’ve been assistant directing for the past couple of months. We talked about her cats. Then we prepared for our preview showing of The Trojan Women which was held outside in the rain at the Beer Garden. We watched as our darling actors sat out in that miserable weather protected by the burlap burkas. Poor babies. Then we ate kielbasa while chugging beer for a few hours.

When that fun was over four of us took the props and trash back to cat lady director’s house where I styled her fire red hair into a hot 40’s look. We drank screwdrivers and talked about… cats. Oh, and my engagement to one of them. (I only do it to make the other jealous.) Did I mention that we are four of the hottest females ever? Well, the three of them are at least. It’s ridiculous. I would show you pictures but I don’t have consent. Seriously hot AND all of us are single.

What was I talking about? Oh yeah, so I changed into a hot black dress and ran off to my friend’s birthday dinner in Hell’s Kitchen. I’m an idiot so I was late. Then we went to a gay bar we have frequented way too much over the years. I think that is what we did. I’m a little fuzzy at this point. They agreed to come with me to another bar even further downtown to watch the premier of the web series I have a cameo in. So we got in a cab.

We are now in a bar that I used to work near so I say hello to all my buddies that are working and proceed to the back room where they are about to screen the first three episodes of WHITE LIARS. Only episode one is live. They are coming out every other Monday and I’m in three so watch for it! I have to admit, episode three is the best and not just because I’m giving someone a lap dance in it.

EPISODE ONE


After the screening I think I got in a biting fight with someone because my arms are all bruised. I was just being playful. Then a friend of mine got a little too drunk and when some asshole called him a “fat f&$#” he decided to discuss the matter further outside. I thought this was embarrassing because the drunken ass who said the wrong thing was now surrounded by all my guy friends including the manager telling him he needed to leave immediately. I really hope this doesn’t become a theme in my life. The bar fight was only interesting once.

It probably isn’t too surprising that I didn’t feel fantastic on Sunday morning. All in a day though. All in a day.

Last Night

After work I walked into the bar that I consider my own personal Cheers. I know when I go I’ll always have a friend there. I walked in the front door and did my once over to see who was in the place. Bartender that I’m kinda dating, check. Friend that I do gigs with, check. Semi-friend that looks like Santa and drinks too much whiskey, check. So I head to our table.

I’m not even two steps into the bar when some drunken bag of douche turns in his bar stool, glances at the book in my hand, and says “You read?”. Instantly hating this person I very sarcastically say, “Why, yes. I can read. Can you?” which was a mistake because it invited a response. I don’t remember what other snarky drunken shit he said because I ignored it and sat down. Unfortunately, I had to go near him again to get my beer. He asked if I was married as he was looking at my snake ring. I sigh. Somehow this was met with, “What are you, forty?” I went back to my seat with my drink but he was close enough to keep talking. I advised that he should stop drinking. He was obviously way beyond his limit. I was able to avoid the douche for awhile until my friends went out to smoke. “You are really a bitch. Why won’t you be my Facebook friend?” He took out a dirty “business” card and kept trying to hand it to me. I finally took it so he would quit trying to touch me. The douche’s name is Brailey (of course) and he is a tennis instructor.

A girl showed up and hugged Brailey from behind. I think it was his prospective girlfriend. Earlier Brailey was on the phone with her claiming he was hanging out with a bunch of friends and she should come by. Mind you this guy had been drinking alone for several hours. He was drinking so heavily that he would continually forget he still had a full drink in front of him and demanded another. With the girl there he was finally off my case but I still got the occasional unprovoked nasty comment thrown my way.

Suddenly the bar gets slammed with people like I’ve never seen at that time of day. It’s just Mike working behind the bar and obviously stress level is going up. The last thing you would want to deal with is the belligerent drunk who is now screaming at you. Mike hit his limit and cut Brailey off. Brailey says “Why, cause you’re bald?” So Mike told him to leave the bar. It escalated. Mike (who only weighs 7 pounds more than me) comes out from behind the bar through the crowd of people, physically grabs the douche from behind and throws him out the door. Brailey threw a punch and missed. Mike didn’t miss. The douche is laid out on his ass. The whole bar is watching. The barback comes running up and holds the door closed while Mike went back to work. Brailey is trying his best to pull the door open and get back in while his humiliated friend collecting their shit to leave.

When I see guys fighting I usually think they look like assholes but I’ve gotta tell ya, watching Mike take care of this guy was surprisingly hot.

After Mike’s shift he was telling me all the asshole things that I didn’t even hear. It made me wish I had hit the guy right when I walked in. Mike said one of the things that sucks about having to get physical like that as a bartender is that you know nothing about that person but they know where to find you. You never know if they will come back. Then it dawns on me, I have Brailey’s card.

For defending my honor and your own hairline I gift this card to you. Do with it as you please.