I WAS ATTACKED....

BY ELVES! Well okay, maybe I was attacked by myself. Yesterday I was using the tiny knife on the wine opener to cut some cardboard and I stabbed it right into my hand. Turns out even with my bad circulation I have lots of blood flowing between my thumb and pointer finger. That little thing gushed all the way across the room and even hit the mirror hung six feet in the air. The cut really wasn't all that bad but the amount of blood scared the hell out of me. In my panic I started calling people in an effort to be told what to do. I was holding a towel like it was the only thing keeping me from falling off a building and trying to make phone calls with the other hand. Of course nobody picked up the phone. It was the middle of the day and apparently everyone I know has a life. Luckily Casey is the person who called me back. Being that he is an ER nurse he is the only person whose opinion I really trusted anyway. He came over while I cleaning up the blood and, disappointed that he missed the scene, bandaged up my hand. It really wasn't all that bad so he was probably annoyed he made the trip but it was still nice to have the reassurance you don't need stitches. Thanks for being there Case.

Have you ever tried washing your hair with one arm? It's surprisingly difficult.

Why don't I come here more often?

I used to love my blog. I loved building connections with other bloggers. I loved having an outlet. I don't remember why I created it in the first place but over time my blog became the diary I never had. It was a place I could hash out some thoughts or talk about what was happening in my life both good and bad. Ever since I lost my job I've written less and less. It's been a hard time for me. It's been hard to own up to it and it's been even harder to express what it's doing to my head. I miss using this outlet. I wish I could force myself back into the world because I think it could really help me get organized. I miss a lot of you out there that I used to communicate with almost daily. I wish I hadn't lost touch. UGH! I want to start over. Right now. I hope I do. I hope I'm back here tomorrow. I would promise but I don't want to be a liar.

Night.
- Knight

Back For A Spin

I've spent the morning trying to inspire myself and found a little something I would like to share.


Tim Minchin is an interesting guy. He is very talented at forcing me to think. Today I realized that spending the vast majority of my time in my mind might not be a good thing. Or should I be spending more time there? Hmmm...


One last thing before I go....Happy Birthday Dez!

Pointless Rambling Of My Thoughts

I just got back to my apartment. I've only been here for about an hour today. I'm not really the kind of person who enjoys spending the majority of my day in my home but over the past couple weeks I've grown rather dependent on the privacy and comfort it provides. I've come to realize that it's the only place I really feel safe. As safe as I ever feel that is. Perhaps I never actually feel completely safe anymore. This is the best I know of.

Do you ever feel like all you want is to be alone but once you are you get mad at yourself for choosing loneliness?

I haven't been sleeping well. I tend to stay up all night trying to sleep and then sleep during the day. I'm tired. I've tried doing all the things that supposedly put you to sleep but it doesn't work. My mind just won't be quiet long enough. It has so many things it wants me to do and it won't give me peace. My brain is a traitor to my body.

Things That Move You

Today while I was walking down Broadway and listening to my Ipod on shuffle a song came up that moved me so much actual tears welled up in my eyes. It's funny how things sneak up on you like that. When I got home I had to track down a recording on YouTube. I found this version that was performed three months before I was born. That information is irrelevant and yet it amuses me.

Now I shall share it with you.

A Bottle of Wine and Biding My Time

I've got nothing going on. I'm sitting here in my apartment after spending the day cleaning and doing laundry. I'm applying for jobs but have not really seen anything that seemed fitting or appropriate for my skill set. It worries me.

I opened a bottle of wine that my mother sent me. It's Educated Guess which is a Cabernet Sauvignon from Napa Valley. It's delicious (Thanks Mom!). I should really walk over to the cubbord and get a wine glass. I have some gorgeous red wine glasses that I adore (Thanks Case) and an AMAZING wine opener that makes uncorking a bottle as easy as removing a beer cap. (Thanks BabaHot).

I've been spending the last week reconnecting with friends that I haven't had the time to see as much over the last six months or so. I think seeing them is the only thing keeping me sane. I spent last night singing in a private karaoke room with two friends (Thanks Ava and Dana.) It's my friend Chad's birthday today and somehow I got him to share his homemade dinner with me the other day (Thanks Chad and Jess!)

Today I signed up for Skype. Want to friend me? I'm not giving out my name to just anybody but I dig this thing. It's a cool little invention. I especially like that you can do a free group chat. I think it helps build friendships. I'm not the best at keeping in communication with people so hopefully this will be another way to keep me at it.

I'm so sorry to post such a pathetic, mindless, .... whatever the f*** this is. In all honesty I've been an emotional whack job the last couple days. No idea why. I keep saying it out loud so I won't get too caught up in it and don't take anything too seriously. Honestly the one thing that really seemed to help and lift spirits was taking a Bikram class. I'm going to try and keep at that for awhile and see if it continues to help. Hell, it's a lot cheaper than therapy!

Scary Dreams

Do you ever have dreams that are so vivid you actually have to go back over what you did the day before just to make sure they didn't happen? I do. I had a dream like that last night and for a good minute I was really scared today until I remembered I didn't leave my home at all last night. The scariest part is that what happened in my dream could easily happen any time if I let my guard down.

In dream land I was at a bar I frequent where I know the bartender. I was with some old friends and some new friends that I don't know as well. I was towards the end of my first beer when I noticed I was feeling funny. Infact I was feeling intoxicated. It hit me all at once. I remember saying to the bartender that something was wrong and I think I had been drugged. I wanted him to please make sure I didn't leave with anyone and help me get a cab. Then everyone there was trying to escort me back to my apartment to make sure I was safe but I had to do it alone because I still had no idea who drugged me in the first place. Who was I supposed to be afraid of? Everyone? I don't even remember if I made it home in my dream. It just sort of fades out and I assume I must have had to wake up at this point.

I guess I probably had this dream because it is something I am constantly aware of. I feel like it's something I'm supposed to be prepared for just incase. My best friend was drugged once when she was alone at a bar with a bartender she knew. She had to keep a stranger from following her home and spent the night lying on the floor of her hallway in her own vomit. I've known several women who have had things like this happen to them. It really is a nightmare.

As for all of you I wish you only sweet dreams.