Arizona Turkey

I hope this post doesn’t get me in trouble! I spent Thanksgiving with my lover boy Casey’s family. I had a fantastic time and I have loads of stories to tell but maybe I should be careful what I share so I don’t accidentally offend anyone. Just because I like to share doesn’t mean everyone else does. Nah, they don’t care.

Day 1) Casey’s Step Dad picked us up from the airport. I have never met a kinder, calmer person in my life. It is my understanding that the only thing that can make him panic in the slightest is if the remote is missing. He took us back to the GORGEOUS house where Step Dad and Mom live. Um, WOW.

I have only been through Arizona once before and this place is total culture shock to me. Everything blends into the desert. Everything is some shade of brown and the landscaping is incredible. At the house there is an amazing view out the back windows. It’s nothing but mountains. I had nature overload. The house, for me, was like being thrown into the Twilight Zone. Birds everywhere! I’m not kidding. Casey’s mom is really fond of chickens and they are a major part of the decorations. I have to admit, it did look pretty cool. I was just thankful none of them were alive.

The first night Casey’s cousin cooked dinner. She is a chef and sommelier. Two of my favorite attributes in a person. It was fantastic (mmm red meat) and I think you should all be jealous. I enjoyed the meal and promptly passed out. That’s not true. I stayed up for as long as I could but towards the end I was probably mumbling and bumping into stationary objects.

Day 2) I went to a mall! I never go to malls. I don’t even know where the mall is. Casey wanted to take his two year old nephew out for some cool threads and he let me come along. Let me just say, this child has got to be the cutest thing I have ever seen. He was really well behaved and it made us look good. After he found some cars and a cup that he loved at the Disney Store we found an ultra nerdy Star Wars shirt and a kick ass Rolling Stones shirt! I didn’t know it was possible to make him cooler but he is. Also, he didn’t hate me and we all know kids that actually like me are immediately cool.

Day 3) Time to celebrate Turkey day. We spent the whole day lounging about the house, watching terrible football games and laughing at the frozen people at the parade. Okay, I was the only one laughing. In addition to all the people I already mentioned we spent the day with Sister, Brother, Sister in Law, Sister in Law’s mother, Aunt, and Uncle. The older males managed to spend the entire day making a wooden box in the garage. How could that take so long? I’m thinking maybe they were hiding medicinal drugs in this “box” and didn’t want to share with the rest of the family. Or maybe they enjoy wood working. Who knows?

Day 4) I went furniture shopping with the Sis and Sis in Law. Why is everything big and brown? I don’t get it. Everything matches the desert, like the houses, furniture, cars, and kids. It’s so unusual. Anyway, these two chicks are very cool and I was thrilled to find out that they are a little pervy too. I felt right at home. Everyone enjoys a good boob joke, right? We did some measuring of the sis’ living room and then went gambling at the Indian Reservation for a few hours. I won 10k. Maybe we didn’t do that last part at all but it would have been a great addition to the story.

That night we went to dinner with the Dad side of the family. We had a great Meal. A few bottles of wine into the dinner we accidentally found out the nickname of a certain family members certain extremity. Too much information! Aww, it’s nice when families can share like that. I will haunt Casey with that knowledge for the rest of his life. Bwah ha ha.

After dinner we went to the aunt’s place where we looked at photos and said what we are thankful for. We all gave crappy answers because nobody likes to be put on the spot. The aunt has a cool place though. It had a modern chic thing going on. I was digging it. I also liked that she was wearing all black. I knew right away that we would get along just fine.

Then I wrestled with a two year old (he won) and watched Wall-E for the 79th time that trip. We said our goodbyes and goodnights. At 5am I was on my way home to New York. It was a good trip. Much Needed. I just lucked out that the whole family was great. I’m not even lying about it. No really, I’m not being sarcastic. Casey is a lucky guy.

I've Got Your Answers - Part 1

First of all, thank you for your questions. I'm so happy I have amusing readers that can make my day and blog so much better. Now I have all kinds of shit to write about! I was going to go in order of comments received which would make Gary up first. Then I wrote the answer which (was more like a novel) during my lunch break and saved it to my work e-mail. Oops. Guess I will be posting that one on Monday. Alright, let's get started.

Furiousball asks:
what's the fastest land animal on earth?

Dear Furiousball,

That is one sexy animal. I love big cats. Rawr.


Micky-T asks:
If you lived in a house, would you own a pet?

Dear Micky-T,
How big is this house? Can I have a Cheetah? I don't think I would. I have a hard time taking care of my plant Al. It's a lot of responsibility and animals in general seem to hate me. They can sense my fear and they take advantage of it. Evil animals. When I was young we had a newt named Newt. I do like reptiles quite a bit. I just don't like feeding live animals to things. We also had a calico cat named C.C. and a cocker spaniel named Sweetness. I loved our animals but I don't think I am currently capable of taking care of one. For now I will just enjoy visiting Casey's cat Clementine. She hates me too.

Jay asks:
When did you decide that you wanted to move from the Midwest to New York? Did you always want to move there? And how did you move to NY? Just you just up and move? Or did you have a plan? And what's it like being so damn sexy? ;-)

Dear Jay,
I don't remember when it was that I decided I needed to be in New York. It always just seemed like the obvious thing to do but I don't remember why. I thought this at a fairly young age. When I was thinking about college I applied to an acting school in Manhattan and when I got my acceptance letter it was a done deal. I had never even been to the city until four months before I moved here. I was 18 when I moved into student housing on the Upper West Side. I didn't know a single person in this entire region. I didn't come out alone though. My mom flew out with me for the first couple days while I started school orientation and the whole thing was pretty easy to be honest. It felt natural. Like there was nowhere else I could possibly belong.

As for being so damn sexy, what are you asking me for? You have all the answers ;)

GMEyster asks:
What really terrifies you?

Dear GMEyster,
I could take the easy road and say rodents and birds. I have an irrational fear of both. It's embarrassing. Seriously though? I've been honest to Jeebus terrified of people lately. With the election, Prop 8, and everything else, I have heard so many hateful comments from all sides. It really scares me. If I lose all faith in people I won't have a lot left. That terrifies me too. Not having anyone. I spend a lot of time alone but I often wonder what would happen if I no longer had the people I care about to go to.

Oh geez... that is not a cheery note to end on. I meant babies. Babies scare me. They leak a lot and are too fragile. They have those scary glossy eyes all love filled and that horrid cooing sound. Eww! Yeah, babies are the most terrifying thing ever.

To be continued...

Run Away Rhyme

Hello Darlings,

I'm going to make an effort to start posting more frequently. I never feel inspired to talk about anything these days and I think it's because I'm not in the swing of things. So this post is going to have to be a stream of conscious, confusing mess of whatever flies through my brain.

Currently I'm sitting on my floor drinking Pellegrino and wondering why Sarah Jessica's voice is so annoying. I really shouldn't blame the actress. It's that annoying Carrie character. I'm turning off the TV. Good. Now I'm saving my ear drums and conserving energy.

Speaking of conserving, earlier today I was thinking I should get a bike. I have no place to put it in my apartment but if feels like the right thing to do. Then again, I take public transit so I'm not really helping anything by biking. I'm pretty sure my carbon footprint isn't bad but I feel like I should be doing more.

I think I have become addicted to Flax seeds. You are supposed to take them as a daily supplement so you can't over do it. I really like them. If I could I would eat a bag in one day. I don't because I'm afraid they will act as a laxative. Maybe I should go buy some sunflower seeds to be on the safe side. Who craves seeds? Oh crap, I have something in common with birds. I hate birds.

I'm going to go crawl into bed now and read some Faulkner. I just started "As I Lay Dying" which is interesting so far. I'm having trouble deciphering what the relationships of the characters are so I know I'll have to go back and reread a few parts. Regardless, he has my attention. Fair thee well my friends. Or is it fare? I don't know and I don't care. On that sad rhyme I must hit post and run away.

What's in a dream?

Today I woke up and Casey was already out of the shower. For some reason I could still remember part of my dreams and I began to tell him:

Knight: "I had a dream you told me you have Meningitis."

Casey: "Meningitis? That's scary."

Knight: You got it from chicken.

Casey: I don't think you can get it from chicken.

Knight: Probably Not.

We were sleeping in a parking lot.

Casey: Hmm, that's probably how I got the Meningitis.


It's really sweet of him to humor me at times like this. I couldn't even open my eyes yet.

What I really remember from the dream is that I was in the audience of some sort of show. When it was over, they sent chickens into the audience. I hate birds so this was a nightmare for me. People were exiting slowly up the isle because the birds didn't bother them meanwhile I was in a panic, jumping over seats while a chicken chased me trying to peck me. Somehow this turned into me thinking I had meningitis from a chicken. I don't even know if that is possible but I highly doubt it.
The next thing I remember is waking up in the dark with Casey but light was coming from somewhere and I realized we were sleeping in a car in a parking lot with several stores in a row. This is when he decided to tell me he had Meningitis. He said I probably did too. I was thinking I got it from the chicken and gave it to him so I felt really bad. Suddenly I remembered I was running late for work so I went into the 7/11 to change clothes and clean up. While I was in the bathroom someone kept beating on the door and screaming for me to get out. For some reason I had all my stuff all over the floor and I was panicking. I kept trying to pick it all up but there was more every time I turned around. Then I opened the door and a little girl came in to brush her hair in the mirror of the bathroom. I could see her mom leaning against a wall watching her and glaring at me. Very large, scary, truck driving, kinda woman. Then I went to make myself a coffee and this must have been when I woke up.

So what in the hell is that about? I don't know how I came up with that disease. I'm never in a car unless it's a taxi. I don't know where to find a parking lot let alone a 7/11. I would never, ever, touch anything that touched the floor in a public bathroom. What the hell?

Anyone want to make any guesses on this one?

What Brings You here?

Some of my favorite search terms bringing people to my blog:
"hugs~fear of"
McIncest
How much do morticians make?
I luvs my gun.

That sums up my entire blog rather nicely I think.

So, how about the game last night, eh? I thought it was pretty boring for awhile. That last quarter though, wow. I'm not really the get out of your seat screaming type but I was clapping on the inside. Since my profession/thing I do to pay bills is in the ad industry I can't help but intently watch all the commercials during the game. For some reason I felt like a few of the ads were targeting me. It started with the fed ex pigeon thing


Anybody that knows me is aware of my fear of birds. I don't eat them. I don't think they are cute pets. They creep me out.
Of course since it's the Super Bowl, some wings are being prepared from the pale, slimy, skin basics in the kitchen. Alright that's fine. I can handle that. I'm usually totally fine around people eating wings. It's been awhile since I've seen a large group of people pounce on a plate of sauce covered birds and rip the skin off the bone. Most of you are probably drooling. I was trying not to think about the uncooked version I just avoided in the kitchen. I have not felt like that in awhile. I didn't even know it still had that effect on me. Of course soon after this scene the pigeon ad comes up. Nice, thanks Fed Ex. My fault. I know better during super bowl parties.

Then, as I'm thinking a little too much about which spots my clients are going to ask for at work the next day, I catch myself.. why the hell do I freakin' care about this?
Que Career builders:

Damn, I wish my heart would do that!

After that a baby puked on itself and bought a clown.

I'm not sure what that means yet but I'll figure it out. I did wake up today mumbling "must invest at e*trade. must kidnap Bozo" Ah, the art of Brainwashing.

Birds. Oh my God, Birds.

I got off the subway stop in queens today and had just turned the corner in the direction of my office when the most horrifying thing happened. A chicken stood in the middle of the sidewalk facing me. A huge disgusting Chicken! I think I probably screamed out loud. Everyone else walking around glanced at it but didn't think much of it. Hello people? There is a freakin' chicken in the sidewalk!!! I didn't want to get near it. The thing was in an angry panic and was running around surprisingly fast. I was in the street trying to stay as far away as possible and get to work. Then I watched the thing strut on into a bakery. All the people inside looked down at it but didn't seem very surprised. A chicken just walked into the bakery! Then someone must have kicked it or something cause it went speeding across the street bawking. Unfortunately it was not run over. At this point I'm basically running to the office but not letting the thing out of my sight. I can not believe that the people in Queens don't find this odd. This is an omen. I should not be traveling to this dangerous borough to work anymore. It's far too dangerous to have standoffs with birds just so I can get to my desk. It's a nightmare.

Dirty, Disgusting, Filthy, Flea-Ridden Birds

A pigeon is flying around my office. We are on the top floor of a large building and we can't figure out how in the hell the thing got in here. The ceilings are high and pipes are everywhere so this disgusting rodent with wings must think it has found some sort of Disney World. If it shits on my keyboard I'm going to kill it with my stapler.
Ssshhhhh.... it's watching me. This feels very "quote the raven" I can't stand birds.