I don’t fu%$ing care what you think anymore.

Everyone needs to just shut up about Occupy Wall Street.

Shut up about Paterno being a douche.

Shut up about that strange A List Dallas character that was attacked.

Shut up about Chaz Bono.

Shut up shut up shut up.

The amount of crazy ignorance that has been spewed around me within the past couple of days has made me completely hateful and hopeless for mankind.

For the love of Jeebus people. Don’t blindly follow anything. Do your research. Real research. Get Facts. Get your facts from reliable sources. Think for yourself.  

Groped

Some days I’m a lot closer to killing strangers than usual. Sunday was one of those days.

I was standing outside my Cheers bar smoking a cancer stick and talking to a girlfriend. My mom was inside with my various male friends. As I stood on the empty sidewalk chatting about Brian Wilson or Heineken, or maybe it was the economic state of our country… whatever, I saw a person out of the corner of my eye walking up the sidewalk. I didn’t acknowledge them. Then I feel this short little guy completely rub his entire body against my back side as he passed me. The sidewalk was empty. He had plenty of room. This guy basically just groped me. You see, I’m tall. I was wearing a short dress. This little guy was able to rub his entire arm and chest against my ass as he passed me by. Once I realized what happened he had already run pretty far up the street. I started screaming at him calling him a f$%ing pervert. He turned around at the corner, blew me a kiss and grabbed himself. Then he ran away. It wasn’t worth it for me to chase the guy with my stiletto in hand because I would be arrested for maiming his pathetic face but damnit I was so pissed off. How often do you think that asshole gets away with shit like that? I happened to be outside with the one person in the whole bar that wasn’t able to kick his ass. I’m so disgusted.

Everybody, keep your damn hands to yourself. Unless, of course, you’ve received a request to do otherwise. 

Vincent Price was REALLY Into Spanking

This has nothing to do with anything. I just thought you should know.

You're Welcome.

Dear Lover,

Dear Lover,

I had this terrifying dream that you were trying to wake me in the middle of the night for a little, ahem, lovin’ and when I opened my eyes I didn’t recognize you. I didn’t recognize you because apparently before waking me you decided to shave off all your hair including your beard and eyebrows. It scared the crap out of me. Please, lover, don’t shave off your eyebrows in the middle of the night. You need them. If you promise not to do anything crazy like that I shall be happy to wake whenever you want.

Xo,

Knight

Knight for Lodge President

I've mentioned before that I belong to a group known as The Lodge. It's basically a bunch of us that hang out at a neighborhood bar and screw around. We take it very seriously. Well, today I submitted my candidacy for President. It's mostly inside jokes but I figured, what the hell, I've got to share it with my blog peeps.

Attention Lodge Skanks and Curmudgeons,

At this time I, Carly Knight, would like to announce my candidacy for President of The Lodge in the upcoming November 2011 election.

This may come as a surprise to none of you considering the endless hours I’ve spent at (Insert name of bar) campaigning over the last year. I feel it’s very important to know the lushes of the Lodge and their various hopes, dreams, needs, and cocktail orders. I’ve also put forth the extra effort to ensure a comfortable Lodging experience by befriending all Bartenders, Bar backs, and Bouncers. They are essential to our cause in securing a well bused table and well lubricated cast of characters.

In my role as Secretary of Defense not a single Lodge member has been raped or pillaged, during Lodge hours.  As President of The Lodge I would continue to maintain safety by wearing weaponry as well as taking security up a notch by directing a fan towards whoever has the strongest stench of the day (most likely Loraine). This will direct the stench out the window towards possible thieving Pirate Queens and away from The Lodge members making our overall experience much more enjoyable.

My hopes for The Lodge in the upcoming year include actualizing the many exciting theme events we’ve discussed such as Prom, Pajama Parties, and Mud Wrestling. I look forward to the induction of new members; however, as President I would require a full delousing and proper grope of Lodge candidates. This should help keep out the riff-raff. 

I’m not campaigning on Hope for The Lodge. I don’t want to bring about change. I just want to help my beloved Lodge friends imbibe in an environment free of worms and crabs. We can take care of the current President Freddy Geils’ fruit fly problem once and for all. I’ll ensure that wet wipes are always available to those in fear of infection.  I’ll help Vice President Miranda finally gets some medication for his incontinence problem, or at least buy him a diaper. We’ll keep a vat of scabies cream behind the bar for the lot of you, because I care.

I have a dream that one day this Lodge will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: “We hold this booze to be self-evident: that all alcoholics are created equal.” If I am elected President I will do my best to keep The Lodge strong not only because I love all of you but because my therapist thinks it’s good for me.

Signed,

Carly Knight

Secretary of Defense

The Lodge 

Rafting Prom 2011!

In the year 2001 I spent one special day primping and stressing over the minute details of what was a barely remembered sort of annoying night. The event I attended was known to my high school senior class as Prom.  It didn’t suck but it wasn’t the amazing momentous occasion you are told to dream of either.

Two weeks ago I was at a friend’s birthday party being introduced to a sassy guy in a pink shirt as his prom date. He didn’t appreciate his date being forced upon him. I think he assumed I was a bitch. I assumed he was gay. I had no idea what this prom thing was so my friends explained that they had plans to get dressed in formal wear and then travel to a river in Jersey where they would ride down the river on air mattresses.  No way in hell was I going to miss this. It turns out pink shirt guy is not gay, just a bit of a hipster and we have a ton in common even though I am a bit of a bitch. I get to go to prom!

Ten years later the real prom of my dreams comes to life.  Hell, even the music was better. Listening to a bunch of freaks belt out Total Eclipse of the Heart while standing in a waterfall is a million times better than standing in a swaying circle of pubescent, crying, sex crazed youth singing American Pie.

Okay, okay it wasn’t prom. It was just a really awesome outing with crazy amazing people. Here, I’ll show you so you can feel left out. Just like your original prom.

 This is the full crew. Photo taken by random man in the forest with dog. 

The Ladies of the Lake

I'm keepin' it classy New Jersey!

The guys are lookin' mighty fine. 

Actually with me putting my dress on in the background it looks a little like a terrifying woodland after-orgy photo. 

Prom Photo! Knight and Date

   The Naughty Couple

The water looks oil filled but we didn't notice anything unusual. Thanks to the hurricane we almost cancelled the trip. We were afraid of flooding, hypothermia, dead bloated animals, cemetery bits, and 10,000 gallons of diesel fuel. 

 The Mighty Waterfall

Climbing the Waterfall (aka Tits and Ass photo)

I lost my shoe climbing the rock and sensing my weakness my date started stalking me in the wood.

 Carrying my dead body down the river like a gentleman. 

#Wehadfun

So it was a pretty great Labor Day weekend. Hey if anyone has any awesome ideas of amazing things to do I'm open to suggestions.

Remember Books?

I’m old fashioned already. I’m going to grow into an evil curmudgeon someday.

Today (and everyday) I’m taking the subway to work like I always do. I’m ready at the door to get off the train and walk directly out the turnstile without any pausing to cause a traffic jam. Today (and everyday) when the subway car doors open and we are trying to exit the train, we are greeted by a sea of oblivious people blocking the doors. Every single one of the oblivious herd is looking down at some handheld device that is so important they don’t realize they have blocked us in. Now I can’t get off the train and you can’t get on the train. Today (and everyday) I have to shove you out of my way so I can go to work.

The worst part is that I look like the crazy person not for shoving my way through a crowd but because I’m holding in my hand something unheard of. A type of object that doesn’t require a charger. You may remember them from your youth. I don’t want to age myself here but it’s true, I carry a book with me. A real one! It’s made of that stuff you might recall from before the world went “green”. That stuff they make from trees? Yeah paper. Just a few years ago everyone on the train had a book. Now I feel like it’s equal to carrying a boom box on my shoulder. Okay maybe a cd player.

All I really want is for everyone to stop staring at Words with Friends long enough to enter the train or cross the street safely. If you aren’t paying attention and you run into me I’m warning you now I’m going to punch you in the head. I can’t hold out any longer. On a similar note, you don’t need to “check in” at every block. If you make it that easy for people to stalk you I just might start doing it. I’ll show up everywhere you are. It won’t be pretty.