Knight for Lodge President

I've mentioned before that I belong to a group known as The Lodge. It's basically a bunch of us that hang out at a neighborhood bar and screw around. We take it very seriously. Well, today I submitted my candidacy for President. It's mostly inside jokes but I figured, what the hell, I've got to share it with my blog peeps.

Attention Lodge Skanks and Curmudgeons,

At this time I, Carly Knight, would like to announce my candidacy for President of The Lodge in the upcoming November 2011 election.

This may come as a surprise to none of you considering the endless hours I’ve spent at (Insert name of bar) campaigning over the last year. I feel it’s very important to know the lushes of the Lodge and their various hopes, dreams, needs, and cocktail orders. I’ve also put forth the extra effort to ensure a comfortable Lodging experience by befriending all Bartenders, Bar backs, and Bouncers. They are essential to our cause in securing a well bused table and well lubricated cast of characters.

In my role as Secretary of Defense not a single Lodge member has been raped or pillaged, during Lodge hours.  As President of The Lodge I would continue to maintain safety by wearing weaponry as well as taking security up a notch by directing a fan towards whoever has the strongest stench of the day (most likely Loraine). This will direct the stench out the window towards possible thieving Pirate Queens and away from The Lodge members making our overall experience much more enjoyable.

My hopes for The Lodge in the upcoming year include actualizing the many exciting theme events we’ve discussed such as Prom, Pajama Parties, and Mud Wrestling. I look forward to the induction of new members; however, as President I would require a full delousing and proper grope of Lodge candidates. This should help keep out the riff-raff. 

I’m not campaigning on Hope for The Lodge. I don’t want to bring about change. I just want to help my beloved Lodge friends imbibe in an environment free of worms and crabs. We can take care of the current President Freddy Geils’ fruit fly problem once and for all. I’ll ensure that wet wipes are always available to those in fear of infection.  I’ll help Vice President Miranda finally gets some medication for his incontinence problem, or at least buy him a diaper. We’ll keep a vat of scabies cream behind the bar for the lot of you, because I care.

I have a dream that one day this Lodge will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: “We hold this booze to be self-evident: that all alcoholics are created equal.” If I am elected President I will do my best to keep The Lodge strong not only because I love all of you but because my therapist thinks it’s good for me.

Signed,

Carly Knight

Secretary of Defense

The Lodge 

Rafting Prom 2011!

In the year 2001 I spent one special day primping and stressing over the minute details of what was a barely remembered sort of annoying night. The event I attended was known to my high school senior class as Prom.  It didn’t suck but it wasn’t the amazing momentous occasion you are told to dream of either.

Two weeks ago I was at a friend’s birthday party being introduced to a sassy guy in a pink shirt as his prom date. He didn’t appreciate his date being forced upon him. I think he assumed I was a bitch. I assumed he was gay. I had no idea what this prom thing was so my friends explained that they had plans to get dressed in formal wear and then travel to a river in Jersey where they would ride down the river on air mattresses.  No way in hell was I going to miss this. It turns out pink shirt guy is not gay, just a bit of a hipster and we have a ton in common even though I am a bit of a bitch. I get to go to prom!

Ten years later the real prom of my dreams comes to life.  Hell, even the music was better. Listening to a bunch of freaks belt out Total Eclipse of the Heart while standing in a waterfall is a million times better than standing in a swaying circle of pubescent, crying, sex crazed youth singing American Pie.

Okay, okay it wasn’t prom. It was just a really awesome outing with crazy amazing people. Here, I’ll show you so you can feel left out. Just like your original prom.

 This is the full crew. Photo taken by random man in the forest with dog. 

The Ladies of the Lake

I'm keepin' it classy New Jersey!

The guys are lookin' mighty fine. 

Actually with me putting my dress on in the background it looks a little like a terrifying woodland after-orgy photo. 

Prom Photo! Knight and Date

   The Naughty Couple

The water looks oil filled but we didn't notice anything unusual. Thanks to the hurricane we almost cancelled the trip. We were afraid of flooding, hypothermia, dead bloated animals, cemetery bits, and 10,000 gallons of diesel fuel. 

 The Mighty Waterfall

Climbing the Waterfall (aka Tits and Ass photo)

I lost my shoe climbing the rock and sensing my weakness my date started stalking me in the wood.

 Carrying my dead body down the river like a gentleman. 

#Wehadfun

So it was a pretty great Labor Day weekend. Hey if anyone has any awesome ideas of amazing things to do I'm open to suggestions.

Remember Books?

I’m old fashioned already. I’m going to grow into an evil curmudgeon someday.

Today (and everyday) I’m taking the subway to work like I always do. I’m ready at the door to get off the train and walk directly out the turnstile without any pausing to cause a traffic jam. Today (and everyday) when the subway car doors open and we are trying to exit the train, we are greeted by a sea of oblivious people blocking the doors. Every single one of the oblivious herd is looking down at some handheld device that is so important they don’t realize they have blocked us in. Now I can’t get off the train and you can’t get on the train. Today (and everyday) I have to shove you out of my way so I can go to work.

The worst part is that I look like the crazy person not for shoving my way through a crowd but because I’m holding in my hand something unheard of. A type of object that doesn’t require a charger. You may remember them from your youth. I don’t want to age myself here but it’s true, I carry a book with me. A real one! It’s made of that stuff you might recall from before the world went “green”. That stuff they make from trees? Yeah paper. Just a few years ago everyone on the train had a book. Now I feel like it’s equal to carrying a boom box on my shoulder. Okay maybe a cd player.

All I really want is for everyone to stop staring at Words with Friends long enough to enter the train or cross the street safely. If you aren’t paying attention and you run into me I’m warning you now I’m going to punch you in the head. I can’t hold out any longer. On a similar note, you don’t need to “check in” at every block. If you make it that easy for people to stalk you I just might start doing it. I’ll show up everywhere you are. It won’t be pretty.

Being a Rock Star … and Whatnot

Dear Dudes, (Because it has been brought to my attention hardly any females comment on my blog.)

Last week I spent a full day in the studio making a DVD with my band mates. We were recording audio and video at the same time so we were in full Rock mode. It was bloody awesome. It would be more awesome if I gave two shits about the music we were recording but alas, I’ll settle for spending the day singing. Because I love it. So much.

So as I’ve explained before, the guys in the band are amazing. All of them have seriously impressive resumes and have played with tons of stars. Then there are the eye candy/backup singers which consist of me and El. We basically danced in place much more than would normally be natural and hit ourselves with tambourines.

El took a ton of pictures so I shall share some here with you.

This is me not paying attention.

Knight and EL
The Studio

This is what happens when you are overzealous with a tambourine.

So last week was awesome. This week I’m doing a shoot for a short film. I’m one of four backup burlesque dancers in this film noir dark satire. I was just e-mailed a picture of our “costumes”.

I’ll let you know how it goes.

Same old crap.

I know I need to post but I’m not feeling the inspiration. Let’s try stream of thought for a bit and see where we go.

It just now occurred to me that if I ever were to receive an engagement ring with a big rock on it, wearing it would be dangerous. If I had a seizure I could stab the hell out of my face and eyes.

Not that I plan to get engaged or anything. Ever.

I’ve started to notice that every time I sing karaoke at a bar the bartenders compliment me and give me a free shot. Um… that’s just awesome. I feel pretty damn good about that. Maybe I can get a friend to record something next time so I can share it here.

I made the mistake of watching The Glee Project even though I never really watched Glee. I assume I like it because I used to be a part of the whole auditioning scene and I like watching kids get tortured. I hope nobody wins. I hate them all. My main problem is that they sing a part of a song at the end and I have no idea what song they are covering I just know the one lyric they sing and it is now stuck in my head ALL THE GODDAMN TIME. “There’s nothing I can saaaaaay. Nothing I can doooooo. Blah blah blah blah blaaaaaaah…when it comes to the truth. So keeeeeeeeep holiding onnnnnnnnn. Cause you know I’ll make it through. I’ll make it through eww eww.” Yeah maybe I don’t know it that well… but how can I get it out of my head? Please! Please help me!

Two of my guy friends are currently going through divorces. They decided to move in together. They are having a combined birthday party this weekend. Why do I think this is both awesome and adorable? I adore them both.

Is a Snuggie a good going away gift? I wish I could get one for the cat but that would just piss the pussy off. The cat not the guy.

I had my intake meeting for that whole therapy thing I talked about in my last post. It went really well. The dude was great and we talked an hour over the allotted time. I guess I was interesting. He pretty much told me what I really need is a Neuro Psychiatrist so I can get my life back in order. I agree.

Work is over. I am done.

Oh yeah, Happy Birthday Mr. President.

A 13 year old boy made me cry.

I haven’t been reduced to tears by a teenager since I was one. .. until yesterday.

I was doing my boss a favor by taking his son on a two hour train ride out to his friend’s summer home. He is a real sweet kid and we have met several times so we were pretty comfortable in each other’s company. He is a curious question asking kid but polite about it so I don’t mind. He asked a lot about epilepsy in general. Somehow I said something in jest that made him question my dating life. He actually asked how many boyfriends I have. I laughed and skirted an answer by responding with “Actually the guy I really like is moving to LA within the month.” Then we talked about theater or something and he went back to playing his PlayStation or whatever hand held device that was.

This whole time I thought I was being regular old badass me with my cold exterior and dark sarcasm. Either I’ve become totally transparent or this intuitive kid saw right through it. About twenty minutes later he turned off his game and looked at me with serious concern. “You’re having a real hard time right now, aren’t you?” I was caught off guard. Perhaps he was talking about something else? “With the epilepsy and that guy leaving, it must be hard.” When I caught my breath I awkwardly laughed and said, “Yeah, I guess you’re right. It is hard.” I smiled and went back to staring at my hands or something. “It will be okay though” was his final statement on the subject and he proceeded to watch Family Guy episodes on his phone. I didn’t think another thing of it.

I dropped him off with his friend’s babysitter at the train station. I grabbed some lunch and waited for the train back to the city. It wasn’t until I got into my seat and settled that I let it sink in. Suddenly I realize my face is totally wet due to the silent tears that are rushing down my cheeks. Damnit, that kid struck something. I’ve been bursting into tears at random for days but I just thought it was emotional backlash of the seizures. I thought it would go away. This wasn’t about that though. This kid saw through me and he is right. I have a lot of emotionally damaging stuff going on right now and I avoid dealing with it by keeping myself busy and never going home. If I go home I’ll be alone with my thoughts and that is the scariest place of all.

After what happened yesterday it has become extremely clear to me that I need to go to therapy as soon as possible. I’ve been putting it off far too long. Someone recently told me I don’t have to live like this. That’s hard to comprehend but if it’s true I want to try. It would be nice to have someone I could tell the whole story to for once. Not just the pieces they won’t judge me for.

Thanks Kid.

Why do I refuse to take care of myself?

That show I’ve been working on for the past couple months finally opened last weekend. We have seven more performances and so far the reviews have been pretty good.

Review 1
Review 2
Review 3
Review 4

I’m thrilled with how well everyone pulled together. It has been a great group of people that didn’t cause a huge amount of backstage drama. You know what bitches actors can be. I think for the most part nobody hates anybody else… yet. Overall I’m proud to have been a part of this show.

I let the stress of the show and other aspects of my personal life get the best of me. I probably did more than my share of grunt work and then tied that into going out to celebrate after rehearsals/shows plus a general lack of sleep. I have guilt and anxiety swimming through my veins thanks to this whole not knowing how to be single thing. With all that it wasn’t a huge surprise that I had two bad seizures last week.

I think the seizure/demons shook something loose in my brain because I’ve been a pretty emotional wreck since the last one. After the first I was okay because it had been ten weeks since my last grand mal seizure and other than being generally sore I seemed fine. The second one was worse. I was alone so I’m not sure what happened but I know I woke up on the floor in a puddle. I have some nasty cuts along my left knuckles and on my feet. My shoe closet is broken so my best guess is that I actually hit it apart while convulsing. I bit my tongue so bad that it started to turn black. That was the most disgusting of all.

Well, tonight I’m going to party like its 1999. That was a sleepy suggestion given to me this very morning. At the time I thought, “go back to sleep you crazy bastard” but now that I think it through it’s a good plan. I figure in 1999 I was 16 and I still had a curfew. So tonight I’m going to bed like a good girl and not sneaking out the balcony and into my boyfriend’s car. (Don’t worry mom, that only happened a couple times and obviously I never got knocked up or arrested.)

No wonder I have problems.