Pimpin my Work Peeps

My office is so very loveless these days. I told my lonely co-workers I would help pimp them out via my blog. Luckily I've got something for everyone (except lesbians, sorry ladies). They agreed to let me post a profile of each of them in hopes of meeting new available people. They all say they are willing to travel to other cities, and countries for the right person/amount of money. Okay, in all honesty none of them are actually lonely but they are single. They are all very cool people and they agreed to let me write profiles about them.
So step right up and meet the people that get me through the work day:


StumpsAround:
Stumpy is a SWF from the South. The nickname Stumpy came from another co-worker who once opened a muffin and found mold inside the Stump. She has since dubbed our shorter work pal Stumps/Stumpy/StumpsAround, or anything else you can come up with. Her interests include buying expensive clothes, drinking beer then visiting white castle, spreading pink eye to cowboys, baking delicious cookies, dancing the robot, and hiding in duffel bags. She has a tendency to self sabotage her relationships by going for the wrong man every time. If you are Asian or look under age she will be all yours.



LargeDecafHazelnutCoffeeWithMilk:
The name is obviously the drink he orders every freakin' day at our 10:30 coffee run. For some reason the guy at the cafe can't remember all the specifics so he has to tell him every time. Ridiculous! LDHCM likes his coffee like he likes his men: Tall, light, and nutty but doesn't effect your nerves. That is only sort of true. You don't have to be light. LDHCM writes funny skits and plays and shit. He will probably write one for you if you ask real nice. He also draws random pictures all day. I think most of them are of himself which would imply that he is extremely narcissist. I wish he would start a blog because he has a sense of humor like no other. He is looking for a soulpal that will read the dictionary with him. His interests are dumplings, being a tetherball (see image), and carrots.


REX:
This is the catch of the day ladies. He has recently been made over by yours truly and the two listed above. (Seriously, new wardrobe, haircut, everything.) He is looking for a lady that will mess with his emotions and cause irreparable damage to his ego. He is easily lured with rice krispie treats, banana liquor, and needy cats. His secret desire is to be a famous white raper like Eminem or Vanilla Ice. His interests are improv, getting lots of attention, trapping people in his apartment, and condemning you to hell for smoking.
We do not take responsibility for the hat in this picture.

These are my peeps and I'm trying to hook them up so if you are looking or you know somone that is looking please feel free to make a bid and I'll except the payments via pay pal. I can have them delivered in six to eight days.

Liquor in the front, Poker in the rear.

I didn't win the pot last night but we had a pretty good game. The trick to having a great poker night is finding cool people who take the game seriously but not too seriously. Enough to keep the game going but not so much that you can't laugh while you play. Lately I have been playing about twice a month with some friends. People weave in and out of games so it's never all the same group. We play Texas Hold'em with a fairly cheap buy in so you never lose too much but if you are the winner of the night you gain a decent bundle. Anyway, the game last night was amusing. My best hand was a straight flush. We played in a Harlem apt where I had some pizza and a few Dos Equis. It's the proper way to play. Back when I had a regular poker night with co-workers we played in this fancy-schmancy Upper East Side apartment. In accordance we would eat Thai and drink wine. They were good times. I really do enjoy the game and I have learned to play fairly well. It's all about luck and bullshit.
And now it's time for The Gambler

Etsy Love

Oh no! Pickled Tink got me addicted to shopping online. She has mentioned ETSY a few times on her blog and I fell in love with some of the odd things you can find. Yesterday I bought a "vintage" 80's dress.

Who knows what it will look like in person. It should be easy enough to alter if need be. This dress is not leather but I think it will go really well with leather. This makes me happy. Now I need some jewelry. Thanks Tink!

It's crappy outside. Why does it rain in February in New York? It's not supposed to work that way. Dammit. Last night I went to The Duplex with Doodle to watch Flora the Red Menace. It was surprisingly good. A decent cast told a story about communism and it didn't have the usual musical theater gleaming happy ending. Oops, I just ruined it for you. Oh well. Tonight I have a poker game. Hopefully I will win some cash to make up for my Etsy spending.
For more viewing pleasure please get acquainted with Albi the Racist Dragon...

Obsessions

Leather Obsession -
The smell. The feel. The overall kick ass look. I love leather. Every single coat I own is leather. My shoes and bags, wait, I think every purse I have is leather. I also have a thing for animal prints but that is probably just a faze. Leather is forever.

Looking like a hooker in central park.

Coffee Obsession-
I'm an addict. I drink it at work and then I go home to my fabulous Green Mountain Coffee one cup brewer that can get my fix to me in less than thirty seconds. I will drink it in any form but I prefer it black. Around this time last year I was drinking at least three large cups a day at work alone and now I have cut it down to one so I won't twitch as much. I'm very proud of my control.

Dean Martin Obsession-
If Dino was still alive today I wouldn't be blogging. I would be too busy stalking him. I've said it a million times before, he is the perfect male specimen. His voice makes me melt and watching him perform is such a turn on. I even think he was hot when he was close to death and looked like a green corpse. Honestly this obsession is so out of control I can't even continue writing about it.

Noise

If all the people of the world could agree on one perfect song that is the most wonderful song of all time what would it sound like? What would be the meaning? Would it even have one? Would there be words and a voice? There are so many options of sounds and stylings throughout time and space. Anything that creates sound can be considered an instrument and each person could play them in a different way so how would we choose? How could we ever possibly agree? Let me digress to religions, cultures, and governments. The world will never agree that any single one of them is perfect. Some will be more popular, more powerful, more effective than others but that doesn't mean it's the best for all people. I think maybe the best song is the one already playing. We can't hear it because we are all so busy making our part of the music. What would happen if we could step back and take in everything around us? Maybe we would all agree that together, without doing anything but live our lives, we have created it. The perfect song. Or maybe it would just be a loud horrendous, intolerable noise that we can only survive by exposing ourselves to small portions. Perspective I guess.

100 & 1 Year

One year ago today I began this blog. I don't remember exactly why or what I expected to happen but today on my 100th post I can say I'm very glad I started it. In an outlet like this you have the opportunity to learn about yourself and I think that I have. I have also become a blog addict over this past year but that's okay.

So 100 posts on my 1 year anniversary. How can you beat that kind of timing? I feel like I should attempt to make this special in some way. Frankly, I don't have it in me today. Creative juices are not flowing. They are just telling me to get some coffee. Yep, that's what I'm going to do.

Good News All Around

Last night I found out my boyfriend can cook. He made an amazing meal that had us so packed full of food we had to take a break and lie down. It was that good. I went over to his apartment to find that he had set up a table for two with a candle and everything. He rocked Valentine's day this year. It was full of leather gifting and Pulp Fiction. Sweet. I'm one lucky chick.

I found out my cousin proposed to his girlfriend yesterday. After hearing about her for a long time I finally met her last Christmas and I thought she was great. I'm glad she will be family.
A cousin from the other side of the family found out his wife is pregnant again. That's one hell of a Valentine's gift. Look honey, I made you a baby! I'm very happy for them.

I'm going to the Bahamas in June! That means I only have three months to shop for bikinis. Too bad you can't get leather wet.

Show Some Love Day

Today, in honor of this hallmark holiday, I feel like giving out some blogentines. It makes me feel like I’m participating is society. So, this blogentine is for anyone reading and I also want to give a special note to a few bloggers. Here goes:

New Found Loves:

R.E.H. @ Ramblings of a Madman One of the perfect people for a blogentine because of his Rubicon Heart. R.E.H.'s posts are so honest and open I feel like I know him. Then I remember I don't know his name and only recently realized he lives in another country. Take a gander at his writing if you dare. I warn you, it's addictive.

Jay @ Cynical Bastard Obviously I originally visited this blog because of the title. I mean, come on, it spoke to me. Then Jay took me on a drive to McDonald's and I was hooked. To be honest, I was hooked long before that drive because he is damn funny.

Tink @ Pickled Beef. She is sporktastic. Sporktastic in a really cool and creative sort of way. She shares a lot of hilarious conversations that will make your day and she also hosts Weekly Words Challenge which I always intend to participate in but never do.

FuriousBall: I don't think this guy knows I'm stalking him yet. I frequent this blog because he always posts the best links to random oddities he finds on the web. There is no real lead into what the link is to so it is a great surprise when it ends up being cat nipple pasties or something equally as bizarre.

Returning Loves:

Doodle and Darla finally came back to blog world! I missed you. *single tear* I know you both have new jobs and intend to work during the day but you can't just get me addicted to blogging and then leave me here!

Blooming Loves:

NYCeCe, It's about time you started posting more frequently. You started in July and managed an amazing four posts in 2007. I'm thrilled to see you have already doubled that this year. Your writing always amazes me. So post it more often k? thanks.

And last but not least, YOU. I’m giving this Blogentine to you with a sassy wink and maybe a little blow of a kiss *xx*. See, there it is. Have a lovely day!

Commuting

Last night after work I started my journey home via subway per usual. Lucky for me the subway platform by work is above ground so you get to stand in the freezing wind praying for the lights of a train to appear in the distance. Actually, I chose to stand in the wind last night. I only did this because the wind was blowing so hard against the siding of the platform the siding was lifting up into the air. My choices were, stand in freezing wind or risk the siding breaking off and knocking me onto the subway tracks. So I only risked it for part of my wait. When the train finally came I instinctively went to the car with less people. I should have known of course that nobody was in that car because a homeless man had sprawled out across an entire row of seats. He didn't reek so I sat down across from him. I couldn't help but notice he didn't have socks and his ankles were swollen and dry. He had to be freezing because he kept twitching around. I contemplated how I could get this person some socks. I couldn't give him mine because I don't think he would be all that impressed with knee high stockings for a girl. Maybe they would make a nifty glove or headband but that didn't solve anything. Anyway, I'm thinking this over as the man lies with his back to me twitching around more and more. He has a huge coat on and he is shaking so much I'm wondering if he is okay. That is when I realize... I'm watching a homeless man masturbate. I can't actually see anything thank Jebus but as soon as the thought entered my mind I was positive that was what was happening. I was so uncomfortable but in my shock I couldn't help laughing out loud. That is when he suddenly stopped, did some "adjusting" and turned to peer out from under his coat at me. Socks were no longer on my mind. I had to get off the f'ing train. This is a disturbing story, right? So why do I think it is so funny? This city has messed me up.

Tying Things Together

I mentioned on Saturday's post that I was headed out to see a musical in New Jersey. NYCeCe has a friend on The Wedding Singer tour that is currently showing in Newark. We traveled out there with Alex! who I'm sure will be posting a review shortly. Overall I think the show in general sort of sucks. I'm really glad I went and was thankful for the free ticket but the writing is bad and I can't remember a single song. I went to a musical theater academy. I'm supposed to remember the freakin' songs. I have a tendency to pick what roll is for me in every musical and in this show it is clearly the rocker fiancee Lynda that ditches the lead guy at the alter. The show may not be good but I still want to play a roll like that. It's my alter ego. Only not so far off from my regular ego.

On Sunday I mentioned I bought a new book on my way home from brunch. When I went into the bookstore I didn't have anything specific in mind but then I saw the book I got my brother for Christmas. He requested it but I thought it looked interesting so I got it for myself this time. It is The God Delusion. Perfect gift to celebrate Christ's birth, I know. Anyway, I'm excited about the book. I think it will be somewhat enlightening. On a similar note, I got an e-mail forward from GMeyster that was amusing. I would like to share it with you.


CAN'T I OWN CANADIANS?

Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by an East Coast resident. It was posted on the Internet and is both funny and informative.

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them.

When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev.1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev.15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this only applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly
states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Lev. 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I am pretty nearsighted and also have to wear a bifocal. I'm useless without my glasses, but can see 20/20 with them. Does my vision have to be 20/20 without glasses, or is there some wiggle room here?

Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by (Lev. 19:27). How should they be put to death?

I know from (Lev. 11:6-8) that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

My uncle has a farm and plants climbing beans to run up his cornstalks. He obviously violates (Lev. 19:19) by planting two different crops in the same field. Also, so does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (a cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? (Lev.24:10-16).
Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with
people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you
can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and
unchanging.

Your devoted fan,

Moishe

For the record, I'm not trying to push any religious ideas on my blog. I just thought this was funny.

Sunday Brunch

Brunching is one of the best Sunday activities in New York City. Today I met some friends at some Italian place around one. The service was horrible but we still had a good time. It was one of the rare brunches that didn't last all day. After a couple glasses of champagne I went to Boarders for a new book and took the bus back to my apartment. Then I promptly fell asleep. When did naps become so wonderful? Is it one of the signs you are getting old? Maybe it was the champagne. Whatever it was, I wish I could do it more often.

Online Addictions

I've got plenty of them.

Today I want to share the online addiction of jigsaw puzzles. Once it gets in your head you can't stop at just one. Much like Lay's potato chips. Even though Lay's taste like crap. That's all I've got for today. I'm headed to New Jersey to see some musical. More on that tomorrow.

Finally Friday

This morning as I walked to the subway I apparently didn't have my ipod volume high enough.

Random chick on cell: "So I asked my doorman if I brought anyone home with me last night and he said he didn't know! I told him it's HIS JOB to know!"

Uh, no honey... that's your job.

I think my boyfriend's cat hates me. It makes me a little scared of her. I totally understand why of course. If I was used to sleeping with him in his room every night and suddenly some other chick showed up and I was kicked out into the hall I would be pissed. I would attack her face and bite the hell out of her if she came near me. Well, not really. I might do that to him. She is damn cute though. She looks like a little tiger and she is sort of retarded. Maybe if I stole her and took care of her she would like me more. That could always backfire and she would poke me in the eye while I'm sleeping. Do cat's seek revenge?

Have a good weekend kids.

Provoking Emotion

I spent about six hours sorting through my playlists on itunes last night. It doesn't look like I did anything. Mostly I uploaded music folders hiding throughout my computer. Listening to all these old songs that have specific memories and moments in time attached got me all emotional and sentimental. I realized I attach a lot of baggage to specific songs. Songs I will always love for what they evoke. I'm sure some tunes I listen to now on a regular basis will always be associated with this period in time but I wonder what I will remember most. Hopefully all the good things. At one point last night I teared up and couldn't for the life of me figure out why this song in particular still had that effect on me. The song playing marked the end of a love. I'm very certain I no longer care for the person so this confused me but then I realized, it wasn't them. I was able to bring back what I actually felt inside at that time regardless of who else was involved. The same thing happened with memories of graduation, moving to New York, saying goodbye to close friends, and all kinds of things. I'm hoping that I can use this as a singer to bring more honesty to whatever I'm singing. Hopefully if I associate the songs I can pull some real emotion without losing myself. I've always had a problem with disconnecting. For most of my life I have been very cold and built walls to avoid expression. That has decreased significantly in the last few years but deliberate expression is still hard. So unbelievably hard. Maybe I have found some sort of key.

Needed Time

Just found this video today.


That is some beautiful classic blues.

Go Vote!

It's your responsibility as a citizen. Go.
Unfortunately my first choice didn't run again this year. I'm not talking about Tommy Cruise. I'm talking about THE MAN. He is the only person that could ever replace George Washington whom, as you can see here was really f'n cool.


All kidding aside. Go vote.

What Brings You here?

Some of my favorite search terms bringing people to my blog:
"hugs~fear of"
McIncest
How much do morticians make?
I luvs my gun.

That sums up my entire blog rather nicely I think.

So, how about the game last night, eh? I thought it was pretty boring for awhile. That last quarter though, wow. I'm not really the get out of your seat screaming type but I was clapping on the inside. Since my profession/thing I do to pay bills is in the ad industry I can't help but intently watch all the commercials during the game. For some reason I felt like a few of the ads were targeting me. It started with the fed ex pigeon thing


Anybody that knows me is aware of my fear of birds. I don't eat them. I don't think they are cute pets. They creep me out.
Of course since it's the Super Bowl, some wings are being prepared from the pale, slimy, skin basics in the kitchen. Alright that's fine. I can handle that. I'm usually totally fine around people eating wings. It's been awhile since I've seen a large group of people pounce on a plate of sauce covered birds and rip the skin off the bone. Most of you are probably drooling. I was trying not to think about the uncooked version I just avoided in the kitchen. I have not felt like that in awhile. I didn't even know it still had that effect on me. Of course soon after this scene the pigeon ad comes up. Nice, thanks Fed Ex. My fault. I know better during super bowl parties.

Then, as I'm thinking a little too much about which spots my clients are going to ask for at work the next day, I catch myself.. why the hell do I freakin' care about this?
Que Career builders:

Damn, I wish my heart would do that!

After that a baby puked on itself and bought a clown.

I'm not sure what that means yet but I'll figure it out. I did wake up today mumbling "must invest at e*trade. must kidnap Bozo" Ah, the art of Brainwashing.